RPS Decides: Who Won E3 2012?

By John Walker on June 6th, 2012 at 7:00 pm.

I'm retiring now.

With all the press conferences over, and the action switching to the show floor, it’s time to ask that all-important question: Who won E3? Because saying what games are coming out is a game. One you can win. And we decide who that was.

Let’s begin with the rules: Firstly, naturally, no slaps. Secondly, don’t forget the Hotpants Bonus! And of course most importantly, dubstep.

It was a crowded field this year, and ultimately a somewhat disappointing showing from many. Atari’s Jaguar line-up was a massive let-down yet again, while Braun’s new range of pots failed to get the crowds whooping. But there were success stories too, with a huge reception for the news that Peter Molyneux would be digging a hole to the Earth’s core, and the annual high-five contest resulting in few broken limbs than ever before. Here’s a breakdown of the big players:

Two Cans – Peter Molyneux

After a modest indoor firework display and pageant, the mild-mannered developer took to the large stage standing in front of a massive screen that showed only one word, writ in 50ft letters: “DREAMSPANGLE”.

“Dreamspangle,” said Molyneux, as the Chicago Symphony Orchestra began playing the theme to Diagnosis Murder. “Dreamspangle,” replied the attending press and investors with one voice, as they bowed their heads and solemnly prayed.

“But what if the Dreamspangle could smell you too?” Molyneux suddenly declared, startling the crowd into screams of excitement, as the screens behind the developer began to glow. He spoke once more: “Consequences.”

Fifteen cheerleaders walked angrily across the stage, their pom-poms by their sides, bunchied-hair failing to bob. Once they had gone, Molyneux sat on a stool and wept. For ten minutes he cried, his tears pooling in two scoops hung around his shoulders, while the screens began to rotate 360 degrees. As they settled back into place, a gasp spread across the theatre. The words “Tear-based controls?” slowly appeared in front of them. Dipping a finger into each scoop, the Populous creator flicked the salty facewater toward an augmented iPad, and stood back as children began flooding onto the stage, pawing at the screens and begging for freedom. The lights went down and the crowd silently filed out, their lives forever changed.

Xploshun Games

The first-time conference for the fledgling indie developer proved to have been perhaps too ambitious. Despite hiring out the Nokia Theatre for their debut, only one member of the press showed up to see the unveiling of their Kickstarter for a “platform game, we think, or it might be a shooter.” Despite a warm reception from Jeff Brigham, deputy staff writer for Tractional Gaming Web, it was considered by those watching online to have been a waste of the four hundred thousand dollars it had cost to hire the squadron of tanks, especially as safety regulations meant they had to stay in the car park. However, things livened up toward the end when the two-man indie team announced that there was a free copy of T’Pau’s China In Your Hand under every seat!

Nostradamus

Coming on stage in a light show so dazzling that fifty percent of the audience were left permanently blind, the Great Soothsayer slammed down his mighty staff and began his prophecies.

“After combat and naval battle,
The great Total of War ascends the highest belfry:
Into the world’s first war shall the series drink its mighty milk,
As the seas turn red and the heavens weep.”

At this point he welcomed Jean de Chavigny on stage, who performed some expressive dance to Nostradamus’s beatboxing. A sudden change of mood saw the stage lighting darken, as Nosty walked to the front of the stage and sternly bellowed,

“AT FORTY-FIVE DEGREES THE SKY WILL BURN,
MARS AND MERCURY, AND THE SILVER JOINED TOGETHER;
A DOUBTFUL ONE WILL NOT COME FAR FROM THE REALM,
AVAILABLE AS EXCLUSIVE DLC ON PS3 ONLY.”

The pumped crowd then carried the mystic prophet upon their shoulders and marched him out into the LA night.

Cancelled Games Conference

For a fourteenth year in a row, the CGC proved to be a loser with the crowds. Sponsored by THQ, EA, Sony, Microsoft, Ubisoft, Sega, Activision and 2K, and featuring some of the most extraordinary full 3D stage-based CGI hologram technology ever witnessed, the four hundred million dollar event highlighting this year’s cancelled games seemed to only spread unease amongst the attendees.

Beginning with the entire 38 Studios and Big Huge Games team parading across the stage, as the planned theme music for Amular 2 played through the speakers, a downbeat reaction to the release of a brand new video of what would have been in Copernicus set the tone for the evening.

This was not helped when GSC Game World announced that they would once again be making STALKER 2, before quickly declaring that no, actually they wouldn’t, then re-announcing it as in the works with a planned release for October 2012 before adding that it had been cancelled.

THQ misjudged the mood by announcing the closure of several more studios, and things ended poorly after David Braben came out to explain that he still wasn’t working on Elite IV.

Nintendo

A subdued crowd response was followed by a dismayed reaction from those watching on the internet, as Shigeru Miyamoto, Reggie Fils-Aime and Katsuya Eguchi came on stage, pulled down their trousers and underwear, and took a shit on Mario’s face.

So who won? Well, we’ve put it through our traditional RPS E3 Metric, and here are the results:

Congratulations to everyone. We’ll see you all again next year!

__________________

« | »

, , .

149 Comments »

  1. smg77 says:

    Kittens sure are adorable

  2. westyfield says:

    So, 8/10 then?

  3. Unaco says:

    Was it wrong to think of Kitten Bolognese when I saw that bottom image?

  4. wodin says:

    Well Mario certainly lost…

  5. jedoran says:

    It’s a well deserved win for Dolmio. They really stepped up their game this year.

    • Dowson says:

      Indeed, especially for the revelation that the ‘puppets’ on the TV adverts are actually a group of diseased orphans with pupatitis.
      Broke my heart.

      • jedoran says:

        I’m also SICKENED by Walker’s constant kow-towing to Starbucks. How much did they pay you for that score, John? I mean 84 people standing in a queue? Starbucks is only 65 queuers at best. AT BEST.

  6. Crimsoneer says:

    I think 4Chan is leaking

  7. Rinox says:

    A full 3 orange bootie shorts? That’s it, RPS completely sold out.

  8. djbriandamage says:

    Molyneux Wept – wasn’t that an Ayn Rand book?

  9. LionsPhil says:

    This is the kind of quality journalism which keeps me coming back to RPS time and again.

  10. Jay says:

    Amazing scenes.

  11. Danorz says:

    the peter molyneux bit is like fifty achewood strips condensed into a pearl, amazing

  12. Jimbo says:

    Standa back! Standa back! Eetsa ready!

    But seriously, I just held an E3 triathlon consisting of British Bulldog, World Cup and The Circle Game, and Ubisoft easily won.

  13. Yachmenev says:

    Yikes, that´s one not funny article.

  14. Greggh says:

    I had to google what the hell is Dolmio… oy you british chaps and your inside jokes… We don’t have Dolmio’s Delicious Tomato Sauce here in Brazil.

    • Danorz says:

      we don’t have their delicious tomato sauce in the UK either, just their usual stuff

    • magnus says:

      Or Marmite if your lucky!

    • The Sombrero Kid says:

      Greggh
      If you are American – Now you know how we feel, I’ve seen a twinkie and I still don’t know what it is!
      If you are European – Lidl, WTF.
      If you’re from anywhere else, you should probably be used to being dumbfounded by foreign brands by now surely?

  15. dawnmane says:

    I come here for news and intelligent journalism, dangit!

    • Shuck says:

      Madness is the only intelligent response to the insanity that is E3.

      • MadTinkerer says:

        As I keep pointing out, the AAA Publisher Circus that gets all the attention isn’t E3.

        The Real E3 does often get some coverage among the smaller news sites, and usually that coverage trickles out slowly over the coming weeks after the big loud shenanigans are all done. So stay tuned, and you may actually get to see some coverage of this year’s E3!

    • McDan says:

      It wasn’t as bad as last year when John actually went I think? And his little E3 diary. Thought that and this are hilarious.

  16. Mungrul says:

    Beans, precious beans.
    They’re all mine. MINE.

    • cyrenic says:

      *shoots Mungrul in the head from 300m away*

      The circle of bean related violence will never end.

    • PopeJamal says:

      Was that a not so subtle reference to the “bean wars” in DayZ?

      Like post-apocalyptic survivors fighting for survival, so too do the game publishers fight…to the death…over beans.

      If so, who are the “bean counters” in DayZ? Hmm…

  17. Morph says:

    Warface!

  18. Daniel Klein says:

    DREAMSPANGLE

  19. reggiep says:

    I don’t know what to make of that article, but that turd-flavored ice cream sure looks good.

  20. Archaeon says:

    Prediction for E3 2013: Jesus announced as an Xbox exclusive.

  21. Hypernetic says:

    I lost E3 because it destroyed what little faith I had left in the game industry.

  22. GT3000 says:

    This is the good and bad of british humor. Sometimes it’s spot and clever. Other times it’s completely tryhard and bland. This is very much the latter. RPS, maybe you should’ve included something about women have equal rights, that always gives me a hearty laugh.

    • Jay says:

      Equal rights? For people? PC Gone Mad Since 1873, more like! *kicks passing vagrant into a stack of bins*

    • Spider Jerusalem says:

      aren’t you the coolest?

      yes you are the coolest.

    • Nick says:

      and thats the trouble with arseholes, they always want to let everyone know what an arsehole they are.

    • Auldreekie says:

      Wait, it’s only the latter? You said it was both the good and the bad.
      Maybe you should stick to Eskimo humour if you can’t take the heat. What you describe is perfectly suited to life on the British Isles; “Sometimes it’s spot and clever. Other times it’s completely tryhard and bland” and that’s what we like about it.
      I didn’t know there was such a thing as a British humour, at least it isn’t categorised in such a manner here and it wouldn’t be suited to an export market.

      • PopeJamal says:

        You might not recognize it as such, but THE REST OF US recognize your so-called “British Humor”. Oh yes.

        BTW, Is Benny Hill still your Prime Minister over there? He’s on Netflix now, you know…

        • Auldreekie says:

          Damn foreigners, stealing our laughs
          British Jokes for British people!
          Arrggh!
          We don’t recognize anything, we may or may not *recognise* certain things. ;P

    • Harlander says:

      If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this comment thread, it’s that we need to prevent “tryhard” from being adopted into the extra-Internet lexicon.

  23. JD Ogre says:

    “A subdued crowd response was followed by a dismayed reaction from those watching on the internet, as Shigeru Miyamoto, Reggie Fils-Aime and Katsuya Eguchi came on stage, pulled down their trousers and underwear, and took a shit on Mario’s face.”

    So, they’re concentrating on the Japanese market this year, eh? :)

  24. squareking says:

    Videogames!

    Videogames.

    Videogames?

  25. The_B says:

    I think it’s clear from this story that John has clearly been bought out by faux-Italian pasta sauces, and I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before Alec joins him and starts dressing in a suit and bowler hat as the Homepride man, while Jim tells us how much he feels like Chicken Tonight. Adam will be prefacing every article by exhaling loudly while slipping in the name of a popular gravy brand, and Nathan will be throwing around the rice of his new Uncle, who happens to be named Ben. I hope RPS are pleased with themselves for selling out. :(

  26. Garnavis says:

    Thing is, I’d actually believe all of that stuff about Molyneux.

  27. pilouuuu says:

    PC won! It was great seeing great looking games shown on PC for once!

    • PopeJamal says:

      Yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if 70%+ of those “live demos” were running on PCs. We know that Star Wars was, for sure.

  28. Gap Gen says:

    I’m so glad to have seen Peter Molyneux speak. You start to maybe think that his reputation is unwarranted or blown out of proportion, but no, it is not. The man is genuinely a messiah.

  29. Perkelnik says:

    Mr. Walker, you are my hero. What a great article!

  30. D3xter says:

    I know you hate numbers and all that… maybe your math teacher touched you at the wrong place?

    But UbiSoft won: http://www.abload.de/img/ubisofteeum7.png
    And Microsoft lost: http://www.abload.de/img/75a2vhoc2c.png

  31. DanPryce says:

    Not going to mention the Branston conference? Really? How was anything better than Chamillionaire coming out on stage in a hollowed-out log kayak, accompanied by We No Speak Americano, to announce Picklequest: The Preservening: the Online Pass: The on-disc DLC? RPS; be ashamed.

  32. Nallen says:

    Am I allowed to do a swear? That was fucking hilarious.

  33. Advanced Assault Hippo says:

    I’ve read the article and I’m thinking “hmmm”.

    Perhaps I need a sense of humour upgrade to be able to get this sort of thing.

  34. Maldomel says:

    Kittens. Adorable, fluffy kittens.

  35. Radiant says:

    holy shit

  36. Tiguh says:

    John wins RPS!

  37. Jamesworkshop says:

    petermolydeux ‏@PeterMolydeux
    Idea for WatchDogs game. What if you could hack a electronic road sign to say ‘I love you’ as you’re driving past it with your loved one?

    That’s who won E3 ^^

  38. RizziSmoov says:

    John’s angry.

  39. Zorak says:

    That was the plan! To give you a boner.

    And you got one.

  40. whexican says:

    It was a sucky E3 so I voted for your mom.

    We all know she sucks the hardest.

    :rim shot:

    Thank You! Thank You! And now your main event, a fat child falling in mud!

  41. Shadram says:

    Only 84 people for Starbucks? I hope you realise you’re doing them out of their bonuses, they only get paid if they have 85!

  42. Some_Guy says:

    so made me think of 2 girls one cup.

    do not search that,

  43. tomeoftom says:

    That fucking Copernicus picture made me lose it. I love you John Walker.

  44. Dizzard says:

    The sad part is that this could have actually happened and I wouldn’t have been surprised.

  45. The Sombrero Kid says:

    Thank god dolmio won, that’s who I thought won too and it’s important for the internet to agree with me because I spent £420 on that delicious pasta sauce.

  46. Joof says:

    This is the New Vegas Wot I Think of Comedic writing.

  47. S Jay says:

    I see LSD has been distributed in E3.

  48. Fitzmogwai says:

    It’s sad that Walker has such a downer on this year’s E3, because I think it’s only fair to say that the real winner of E3 is us, the gaming public. When before have we seen the console manufacturers put aside their differences and announce base cross-compatibility throughout their entire new range of products?

    When before have we seen AMD and nVidia agree to use nothing but a single industry standard in their video hardware, and agree on the use of a single, non-proprietary GPU-accelerated physics engine as well?

    When have we seen software companies step up to the mark and – together – sign a pledge never to release another shoddy port, unfinished game or crappy bit of shovelware?

    When have the assembled crowds witnessed such stirring scenes as the one where the CEOs of EA, Activision and UbiSoft wept genuine tears of contrition before ritually disembowelling themselves in front of a live audience?

    This year’s E3 marked a turning point; a bright new future for the games industry, and we – WE – the simple, humble gamers are the winners.

    Thank you E3.

Comment on this story

XHTML: Allowed code: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>