Sex’n’Dogs’n’Wrack’n’Ruin: Total War Rome II Live

By Alec Meer on July 2nd, 2012 at 7:00 pm.

'I'm sorry I insulted the AI, I'm sorry I'm sorry!'

In-game footage of Total War: Rome II is being cruelly withheld until time indeterminate, but the important thing is that I’ve seen it and you haven’t, ner ner ner ner ner ner ner. Ner. I’ve even spoken to the devs about it. Ner! I suppose you deserve to see something for yourself though, even if you are a horrible person who’s going staight to hell because you were rude to that cat once.

So, here is a live-action, mood-setting, betrayal-including trailer for the Creative Assembly’s latest strategy titan, showing off the glory, folly and cruelty of the Roman empire. Warning: includes bare-naked nipples.


Haha, fooled you! I meant a man’s nipples, not a lady’s nipples! You desperate lech, you.

It’s no I, Claudius and it doesn’t really tell me anything about the game, but heck: dogs and death. I’ll take it.

Rome II is out late next year, which is of course nowhere near soon enough. Harrumph.

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72 Comments »

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  1. MuscleHorse says:

    Gah! I got all excited then. is there no where on the internet where I can see a lady’s nipple?

    • DrozzRith says:

      Oh you can definitely find good nipples, but the women showing them are definitely not ladies…

      Also, I just found out about this game yesterday and I’m already hyped to hell and back for it, that’s kinda cool…

  2. Drake Sigar says:

    With the return of Rome Total War we also need the return of TV’s ‘Time Commanders.’ Make it happen.

    • Drake Sigar says:

      Aw man, now I’m watching the series on Youtube. I’ll never be able to stop.

      • Plivesey says:

        I didn’t even think it was on youtube. Thanks, now I can watch it too!

        • NetsukeMonkey says:

          Now I’m watching Time Commanders too and with the same feeling of inherent rage at the incompetence of the Commanders that I felt many years ago. Was it this and the Crystal Maze that has made me the angry man I am today?

    • ukpanik says:

      Was it hosted by Alan Partridge ~_~

      • Drake Sigar says:

        First season was hosted by Eddie Mair, second by Richard Hammond. I think they stopped making them after that because they no longer had permission to use the Rome Total War engine (if they ever did). It was pretty awesome because the show started almost a full year before the actual Rome Total War game came out! It was the ultimate sneak preview.

        • Ringwraith says:

          They even used the pre-battle formation (complete with two hidden flanking units) that the first episode’s team used in the Hannibal vs Romans fight for the game’s actual scenario of that battle.

    • DK says:

      They need to do another Time Commanders series based on the Wargame:EE engine. All the non-mainstream battles from 1945 to 2012 with the same expert analysis and amateur commanding. It would be glorious.

  3. Lynchbread says:

    Everyone check out the Ground Branch Kickstarter, we need to get this funded. It’s made by the people who made the original Rainbow Six and Ghost Recon, we must fund this.

    http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/670743543/ground-branch

  4. azhag says:

    No lady’s nipple then.

  5. The Hammer says:

    And lo, it’s almost amusing in how you can track the year’s trends in other mediums by watching gaming trailers. Games of Thrones: Rome Edition!

    (I’m aware that there was a Rome TV series steeped in the very same principles of debauchery and ruthlessness too, mind)

    • Lowbrow says:

      2 series actually, HBO and Showtime each had a run of it.

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      sonofsanta says:

      Rather more relevantly, Spartacus is doing very well at the moment, and is generally excellent in the same tits ‘n’ gore manner as Game of Thrones.

      This is a very strange game to do a live action trailer for, though. Given the continuing trend, I am very excited to see how they film Peggle 2 in live action.

    • Werthead says:

      It seems to have a somewhat low profile compared to other HBO dramas, but for my money ROME is one of the best things they’ve ever done: it’s better than GAME OF THRONES, much as I like the latter, and only a notch below DEADWOOD and THE WIRE on my HBOmeter.

      James Purefoy as Mark Antony is fantastic and the bromance between Lucius Vorenus and Titus Pullo (THIRTEEN!) is great. Shame they had to rush the ending, but at least it managed to reach an ending (unlike DEADWOOD).

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        drewski says:

        Rome was just a little bit soapy to hit the heights of HBO’s other series, I think.

        Good, but basically Days of our Lives: Empire Edition (Now With Tits).

      • Baboonanza says:

        Bits of it were excellent (all of the bits with James Purefoy in) but generally it suffered from some terrible script writing and acting. Much like Game Of Thrones.

    • Inglourious Badger says:

      Why are you all SHOUTING the titles? Is this a new thing I missed. No more italics!

  6. ReV_VAdAUL says:

    Ginger lady was probably a deliberate attempt to evoke Atia from BBC/HBO’s Rome. Which is fair enough because Atia was awesome.

    Man I wish Rome had lasted longer than it did AND they didn’t smush season 2 and 3’s plotlines into just one season.

    • BwenGun says:

      I view the ginger lady more as an indication that Rome will have an equivalent of Geishas from Shogun. Which obviously means that their only weakness will be Titus Pullo, a special character who will appear once one of them is on the field. I’ll leave it to your imagination as to how he stops her.

  7. serioussgtstu says:

    It’s nice to see that dog Meeko is still getting some work.

  8. SominiTheCommenter says:

    No nipples, no see.
    I like my nipples all organized in one place, I don’t like to search around.

  9. Binho says:

    So it’s going to be another caricature of ancient Rome? Yay…?

    What this makes me hope is that they improve the TW diplomacy system. That we can expand as much by arms as by clever politicking. A lot of tribes, kingdoms and cities willingly allied themselves with Rome. Others offered tribute and hostages to the Romans so as not to be sacked or to be placed under their protection.

    Hopefully it’s not just sex, betrayal and centurions!

    • Ateius says:

      It’s not diplomacy I want to see, but rather a dropping of the trade/economic system they’ve had in place since Empire. It forces you to rely to an enormous extent on foreign powers for your income, which just doesn’t work in Total War games because the AI will declare war for no reason and refuse to make peace ever. Go back to RTW1’s or MTW2’s economics, where foreign trade gave you a nice boost but wasn’t absolutely necessary to keeping your finances afloat.

      That said: A new Rome! I am ever so excited.

      • Binho says:

        That’s what I mean though. The diplomacy AI needs massive revamping. The AI is much too belligerent, and impossible to force in to a treaty – even if you’ve won every battle to date and conquered 90% of their land, they will never ask for peace. It’s impossible to ally with anyone as well, it’s frustrating. The whole world hates you all the time.

        • Ateius says:

          Some manner of war-score system like Paradox uses in their Crusader Kings and Europa Universalis games would be ideal. I have won X amount of battles involving Y amount of troops and captured Z amount of territory, so I’ve got a score of 90% and the AI is willing to pay me off for peace with money, land or treaties.

          I still want the old economics back, too, though.

    • Lycastus says:

      “Hopefully it’s not just sex, betrayal and centurions!”

      I’m sure that was Battlestar Galactica…

  10. egg651 says:

    Those notes at the end… Aahhh nostalgia..

    • Redkid says:

      Yes! I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought those music notes at the end was the best thing about this video.

  11. Scarf Ace says:

    Let’s hope they make it more historically correct, history is a better source for units than making silly stuff up. Europa Barbarorum is full of really cool units.

  12. Yosharian says:

    Is it me or is there something slightly wrong with that picture above

  13. Jimbo says:

    John writes all of the opening paragraphs now?

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    Bluerps says:

    Huh. Apparently every game does now get a live-action trailer.

    I wonder if that means that movie trailers will show game scenes from now on.

    • Jay says:

      Maybe they’re prepping us for the second wave of FMV games. I’m getting that old sensation of being slightly embarrassed for everyone concerned again.

      • LionsPhil says:

        The 7th Guest HD: Now you can see people fail to act with even more pixels!

        …actually, worryingly, the kickstarted Tex Murphy is sort of a second-wave of FMV adventures. Hrrm.

  15. Text_Fish says:

    What a cheesy eyebrow-raise.

  16. Morte66 says:

    Europa Barbarorum II is the only Rome Total War II that matters.

  17. BubbaNZ says:

    Wot, no flaming pigs? Bring back the flaming pigs!

  18. JamesPatton says:

    A Game of Rome(s)?

  19. Premium User Badge

    Gap Gen says:

    Rome II: Total Stabbing
    Rome II: Stab Stabbing
    Stab II: Stab Stabbing
    Stab Stab: Stab Stabbing

  20. Premium User Badge

    Rikard Peterson says:

    So this is where the whole warface thing comes from? I missed the origin of the thing, so I’ve just been baffled by the unexplainable comment threads.

  21. rickenbacker says:

    I’ve seen that in-game footage, AND talked to the devs about it, so the joke is on you, Mr Meer. Ha!

    And yes, it’ll be awesome. Awesome-er. I just want to play it, dammit!

  22. Binho says:

    Any word on when us plebs will be able to see the in-game footage? I hate it when they show trailers to the press, but withold it to the rest of us. All we get is two screenshots. Boo! I want more media to pick apart and analyze!

  23. sysdefect says:

    Biggus Dickus is quite pleased.

  24. wrcromartie says:

    OMFG my nerd-boner is so huge right now. RTW2 will ruin my professional & personal life, and all I can say is “are we there yet?”

  25. Brashen says:

    YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

  26. Davie says:

    Dammit Roz! Are you just going to show up in every intrigue-y period piece now?

  27. thesmileman says:

    An Army of Irish Wolfhounds! Yes now that would strike fear in your enemies!

  28. lordcouty says:

    it needs spartans

  29. MistyMike says:

    Hats off to RPS for mocking the guy from the Spec Ops thread with this weeks top-of-page motto.

  30. Bhazor says:

    To all developers: Stop spending money on these fucking live action trailers.

    Just post a link to HBO’s sadly overlooked and nudity riddled Rome.

    • Grobmotoriker says:

      Even they lived in a matriarchy like we do, but I thought the same; is this promotion for season XY of a HBO series or am I still on a videogaming site…

  31. Premium User Badge

    jrodman says:

    But those are just the kind of salacious nipples I was lecherously hoping for!

  32. Premium User Badge

    Kong says:

    why is this pegi 16? What did I miss? And why is this wonderful warface dropping a perfectly good sword?

    What I love about Shogun 2 should find its way into Rome 2: single barbarian rowboats plundering all along the coastline of my empire. Hunting them down is good fun. Er…
    And the Praetorian Guard of TW:R 1. Want armies of them.
    Burning Irish hounds.
    Frisian witches throwing themselves at testudos with nothing but tit and vagina weaponry.
    Frisian witch Roman testudo. Pegi 99

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      Kong says:

      no witty word games?
      Frisian which does Roman
      Witch does testudo
      Sword and tits
      Shield of Vagina

      Why is it always the 9th of armies that gets lost? The Roman 9th, the Soviets wasted a 9th in Afghanistan, what is it about the 9th? Turned upside down it makes six, together they make 69. That is what warriors miss when on the job, isn’t it? Rome lost 3 Legions to the north of the Limes, 3 times 3 is bad omen for conquerors?

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    Makariel says:

    I am thrilled about this game. Being relative late to the party (just bought Shogun 2 last year as my first Total War-game) I’m happy to see more!

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      Kong says:

      Welcome to the club. No game series comes close. Well, maybe Arthur by Paradox. Just close.
      People criticize hard what they love most. The older I get, the more I ridicule the annoying parts of my beloved parts. Does this make any sense?
      Total War series rocks my gaming life since Medieval TW. I played the Shogun demo when it came out last millenia, but I just did not have the money then. TW Medieval I own and that was it. At one session I watched my Urban Guard being hopelessly surrounded by the enemy but they survived and they prevailed, I watched the men dy, cut down, theyr stripes going up and I was thrilled – my focus was on them the grand scope of the battlefield lost. The Unit survived…with less than 20 men. It was marvellous. I am hooked since then to CA, hoping and praying to the lords of destruction to get again that special moment. Until today that moment of gaming experience has remained singular. I will continue to hunt down single ships bombing my harbours until TW rises again to heights unknown to gamers.
      Shogun 2 battles are: Troopers of the Line and Cannons equals victory. It is still the best there is. Maybe my brain has gone where old age disease feasts…

      Edit: Shogun 2 Fall of the Samurai: the AI continously sends single ships in order to bombard my coast, good fun who made that up? Fire the imbecile please