These Sporting Lies: Olympic Videogame Events

By Alec Meer on July 30th, 2012 at 1:30 pm.

is Sebastian Coe going to sue me now?

Occasionally, certain corners of the internet and media defiantly make their case for pro-graming being included as an Olympic sport. I call those people narrow-minded in the extreme – of course gaming should be part of the greatest sports show on Earth, but restricting it to that tiny, scary niche would be a terrible mistake. There are far more important aspects of gaming that deserve their own Olympic classes. Here are just a few, and I hope you’ll suggest some more.

  • MOBA 3-Lane Pro-griefing
  • Desert Bus 1600 Mile Endurance
  • Day Z Installation Time Trials
  • The Diablo III Real Money Auction House Go For Broke Challenge
  • YouTube Comments Godwin’s Law Speed Trial
  • Cross-Country Playing Ubisoft Games On Public Transport
  • Fattest Man Squeezed Into A Replica HEV Suit Weigh-Offs
  • The Minecraft 5 Minute Giant Phallus Construction Sprint
  • Boiling Point Flying Jaguar 800 Metre Pursuit
  • Generic FPS Naming Slalom (Current record holder: Medal of Honor Warfighter)
  • Pretentiousness Gymnastics (Independent Entrants Only)
  • Still Moaning About Bioshock After Five Years Dressage
  • Synchronised Retweets From Notch, CliffyB and Tim Schafer
  • Out Of Context Quote / Speculative Headline / Spuriously Finding Cause To Avoid Linking To Rival Site Triathlon (Media-only event)
  • Half-Life 3 Rumour-Mongering
  • 1000 Comment RPS Pun Thread Relay
  • Hey, that guy who’s going to post ‘slow news day, eh?’ You win Gold in the Stupid Git Marathon.

    , .

    119 Comments »

    1. Rao Dao Zao says:

      You’re really going for gold this time, but I think we’ll be running rings round that Pun Thread Relay.

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        RaveTurned says:

        It should be plain Sailing for regular readers, as long as they don’t start re-Cycling puns too soon.

        • westyfield says:

          I’m still on the fencing about this thread, but perhaps it will épée out. I’d be pretty piste if anyone tried to foil my swordplay puns though, this is the last one I have, luckily it’s a life-sabre.

          • Tams80 says:

            Now, now. Don’t start rowing about it. I’d hate to see this thread dive to the bottom of the table.

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            RaveTurned says:

            I’m in awe of your rapier wit. ;)

            • westyfield says:

              To attempt a response to that would be without point, you are clearly on very sharp form. I’ll simply say: well blade, sir! Well blade!

            • MikoSquiz says:

              Rapier than what?

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              RaveTurned says:

              I Salute you dear commenter, Touché! Such a Riposte did almost Pommel me into submission, and left me feeling Feint. Since endurance punning is not my Forte I feel I must Pass on this Engagement, but I hope you will be En-Garde for any fencing puns in Absence. :)

          • HothMonster says:

            You set a high-bar sir.

      • Milky1985 says:

        With a hop a skip and a jump we will bunny hop our way to victory

      • Ian says:

        Judo-n’t just get this ability to create pun threads naturally, we commentsthreaders have had to put a lot of effort in building up to this glorious day.

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          felisc says:

          A 1000 punthread you say ?
          I’m sure we could roundhouse click our way through it. I’ll bring a camera though : camera roll… TakeOne,Do it !

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        Arathain says:

        The starting gun’s gone off and this pun thread’s off and running, so I only need to pass the baton to the next commentator.

        • Untitled says:

          Relay? Judo know you can’t get away with puns of that quality in this event?

      • McDan says:

        I’m glad to see other RPS commentors are really on the ball with this event, but the 1000 pun thread would definetely be a herculean effort.

        • Screamer says:

          Naah, shouldn’t be more difficult than one lap of breast stroke!

        • Milos says:

          Will they or won’t they manage? The tennis-ion is killing me.

      • sinister agent says:

        1,000 puns, you say? That would make this a killer thread.

      • P7uen says:

        Would love to contribute to this thread but my old Pentium laptop is throwing in the towel. My friends told me to try Athlon, should’ve listened.

      • Raiyan 1.0 says:

        A thousand puns? Only the Olympian commentators of RPS can jump over that hurdle!

      • Raiyan 1.0 says:

        It’s a long shot, sure, but when has that stopped these folks from gunning for the gold?

      • Urthman says:

        Gentlemen! Ladies! Simply mentioning a sport isn’t a pun! You’ve got to have some really terrible wordplay, and I think ten is the most genuine puns we’ve got so far.

        • The Random One says:

          Mentioning the name of a sport when not actually referring to it is what a pun is.

          You soccer at this! (Okay so maybe I’m not really qualified to talk about puns either)

          • Rhin says:

            Try not to put your football in your mouth next time. (Yeah, I’m not winning any medals either)

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          Gap Gen says:

          300 metres!

          • mr.black says:

            Hope the referees won’t disqualify him for that.
            But just remember, the most important thing isn’t wining, it’s taking pun. And making a new one.

        • Skabooga says:

          Hush now, stop medalling with our fun.

        • pmcp says:

          I totally agree. Who let all the wiff-waff into Wock Paper Shotgun?

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        Gap Gen says:

        Interesting discussion.

      • McDan says:

        Keep it up people, it’s a marathon not a sprint. If we each break our personal best we can do it.

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        Lambchops says:

        I amazed this pun thread hasn’t gone off the Boyle. This is turning into an Ippon-ymous example of punning expertise.

      • Iliya Moroumetz says:

        Not sure where else to put this, but dang, threads like these are why I LOVE RPS. :D

        Keep shining you crazy, wonderful people!

      • Faxmachinen says:

        It’s a high aim
        But it won’t take long-
        Bow before our pointed wit
        We’re flying towards our target

    2. Flint says:

      It’ll take some major mental gymnastics to make a run for that pun thread.

    3. JohnnyMaverik says:

      O.o

      …Slow news day eh?

      I am champion ^_^

    4. grundus says:

      I guess this would explain the SAM launcher that just popped up on my roof.

      • Malk_Content says:

        The best thing about the missiles is now all we get is a cardboard box containing pamphlets about the armed forces with a note saying “They are here now, nothing you can do, please take a pamphlet for more information.”

      • bill says:

        sounds serious…

        • sinister agent says:

          Are you sure? I couldn’t really tell, I didn’t hear it. Might have to play it again.

          • Skabooga says:

            Of all the comment threads, in all the articles, in all the internet, you pun into mine.

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              bear912 says:

              Skabooga, I link this is the beginning of a beautiful threadship.

            • Dr. Evanzan says:

              bear912, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the puns of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.

    5. Burning Man says:

      Hey, I don’t live anywhere near the Olympics. At least you got a shot at seeing em.

      In other news, here’s the USA’s Swimming team goofing off in song

      • Ninja Foodstuff says:

        The thing is, we don’t have a shot at seeing them. I live about 1/2 mile away from the nearest venue, and you either need a LOT of money or to be linked to some corporate sponsor in some way.

        Hence all the empty seats.

      • Tams80 says:

        That was a great video! They actually look like team in it.

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      MonkeyMonster says:

      I’m going to have to pass, on that thread relay idea

    7. The First Door says:

      At least you didn’t say you didn’t say “2012″, “London” or “Olympics” together, or you would really have been in trouble.

      Wait…

    8. Kdansky says:

      More suggestions:

      - Loudest nerdgasm for Starcraft 2 or UMvC3 commentators.
      - Quickest person to deactivate VSync and mouse-acceleration in modern console-ports.
      - Zombie-counting

      • The Random One says:

        - Quickest to vomit due to lack of FOV controls
        - For console players: least stupid defense of a controller’s superiority for playing FPS’s
        - For PC players: least stupid defense of a keyboard’s superiority for playing platformers
        - Boycott endurance challenge (current world record is almost an entire hour before breaking down and finding a flimsy justification for buying the game anyway
        - Synchronized entitlement

    9. DanPryce says:

      Modern Warfare Pentathlon.

    10. Enzo says:

      Wow this is a bad post.

    11. sinister agent says:

      The 300 metre DRM Legitimate Customer Shoot.

      The Triple Triple Jump

      The I Won’t Play This Unless It’s On Steam Relay.

      The Synchronised Fanboy

      The Wait-I-left-my-torch-on-shit-damn-it Sprint

      The Leftie Multicultural Crap, Skip and Jump

      The Ubisoft Release Decathlon

      Origin Knows You’re Not Clapping, Citizen.

      The Shotgun Put

      The G-(DOWNLOADING PATCH… 1%)

      The Secretly Y-inverted Javelin

    12. The Polo says:

      Where’s QWOP competiton?

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        particlese says:

        I just got -2m.

        • gwathdring says:

          I forget my best forward distance. But the most I ever got backwards was -10. I figured … if I kept going … maybe I’d find a way to stabilize and then go forwards again … so I kept barely keeping the poor man from falling backwards and eventually DID manage to move forwards for about a step or two only to fall over anyway.

    13. RuySan says:

      Great post. I was yesterday talking with a friend of how silly is that golf is going to be an Olympic Sport starting in 2016. Even if i love computer gaming very much, this post explains better than i ever will that asking for it to be an Olympic sport is just downright insane.

    14. bill says:

      “I got turned down for tickets and now half the bloody seats are empty I mean what a farce”

      I hope this is in jest.

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      particlese says:

      Huh. I just realized that I still haven’t made a giant phallus in Minecraft. Unless you count all the 128-high pillars of dirt with trees at the top and beds at the bottom that I use for landmarks.

      In other news, the US team stabbed itself in the face about 30 seconds into the “broadcast something Olypics-related without inane commentary or commercials” event.

    16. Unaco says:

      I think that 3rd/last picture counts as ‘Doping’.

    17. Det says:

      I’m aghast that there’s no out of place portal mechanic insertion event myself, but one step at a time I suppose.

    18. Hazzard65 says:

      +1 internets!

    19. phelix says:

      ‘Generic FPS Naming Slalom (Current record holder: Medal of Honor Warfighter)’

      You sir, made my day.

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      Man Raised by Puffins says:

      - Beach Bloodbowl
      - Coxless Duke Nukem Forever
      - Keirin Gillon (replacing Fucking Judo)
      - Team Hot Pursuit
      - Tom Clancy’s: Water Polo: Red Tide
      - Men’s Laser Squad
      - Lightweight Double Skulltag

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        MonkeyMonster says:

        “Keirin Gillon” :D or perhaps Gallon?…

        “Cleaning the hive mind tank using remote edible subs”

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      felisc says:

      I think RPS has two strong contenders for the famous “Stalker Namedropping Marathon” and the overlooked “Adventure game sobbing Sprint”.

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      MonkeyMonster says:

      Board game eating competitions; extra bonus points for eating warhammer scenery along with your tomato sauce and pesto painted skaven?

    23. AbyssUK says:

      - 512m teabaging
      - 1024m corridor man shoot dash
      - 8096m press e to open door hurdles
      - high rocket jump
      - never ending install direct x-ATHON

    24. pakoito says:

      >MOBA 3-Lane Pro-griefing

      My kind of competition

    25. Screamer says:

      The 100m Fat Men With Horse on Back sprint

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      Smashbox says:

      I wonder how long it will take for Mr. Coe to smash down the gates of Castle Shotgun for using those RINGS in an image.

    27. Chris D says:

      Ooh! Fake game-related olympic events and bad puns!

      My nomination is for an event based on a dark and gritty retelling of the film “Bambi”s dramatic last scenes only with Korean martial arts instead of guns.

      Would go by the title: “Take One Doe”

    28. KDR_11k says:

      Is Gordon holding a 1 Pfennig (0.01 DM) coin?

    29. hjd_uk says:

      Elite Solar-Hydrogen Skimming Freestyle
      Bunnyhop 200m
      Full Inventory Encumberment 1000m (all-day event)
      Portal Terminal-Velocity Gymnastics

    30. MythArcana says:

      And speaking of sucker punches…

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      Lumberjack_Man says:

      To pun or not to pun, that is the equestrian

    32. Syra says:

      Linking real life tragedies to videogame violence slalom.

    33. UncleLou says:

      Is Gordon holding a good old German Pfennig? I sense a subtle political commentary on the Euro crisis.

    34. Dizzard says:

      I think it would be pretty interesting if there was a gaming equivalent of the Olympic Games.