These Sporting Lies: Olympic Videogame Events

By Alec Meer on July 30th, 2012 at 1:30 pm.

is Sebastian Coe going to sue me now?

Occasionally, certain corners of the internet and media defiantly make their case for pro-graming being included as an Olympic sport. I call those people narrow-minded in the extreme – of course gaming should be part of the greatest sports show on Earth, but restricting it to that tiny, scary niche would be a terrible mistake. There are far more important aspects of gaming that deserve their own Olympic classes. Here are just a few, and I hope you’ll suggest some more.

  • MOBA 3-Lane Pro-griefing
  • Desert Bus 1600 Mile Endurance
  • Day Z Installation Time Trials
  • The Diablo III Real Money Auction House Go For Broke Challenge
  • YouTube Comments Godwin’s Law Speed Trial
  • Cross-Country Playing Ubisoft Games On Public Transport
  • Fattest Man Squeezed Into A Replica HEV Suit Weigh-Offs
  • The Minecraft 5 Minute Giant Phallus Construction Sprint
  • Boiling Point Flying Jaguar 800 Metre Pursuit
  • Generic FPS Naming Slalom (Current record holder: Medal of Honor Warfighter)
  • Pretentiousness Gymnastics (Independent Entrants Only)
  • Still Moaning About Bioshock After Five Years Dressage
  • Synchronised Retweets From Notch, CliffyB and Tim Schafer
  • Out Of Context Quote / Speculative Headline / Spuriously Finding Cause To Avoid Linking To Rival Site Triathlon (Media-only event)
  • Half-Life 3 Rumour-Mongering
  • 1000 Comment RPS Pun Thread Relay
  • Hey, that guy who’s going to post ‘slow news day, eh?’ You win Gold in the Stupid Git Marathon.

    __________________

    « | »

    , .

    119 Comments »

    1. Rao Dao Zao says:

      You’re really going for gold this time, but I think we’ll be running rings round that Pun Thread Relay.

    2. Flint says:

      It’ll take some major mental gymnastics to make a run for that pun thread.

    3. JohnnyMaverik says:

      O.o

      …Slow news day eh?

      I am champion ^_^

    4. grundus says:

      I guess this would explain the SAM launcher that just popped up on my roof.

    5. Burning Man says:

      Hey, I don’t live anywhere near the Olympics. At least you got a shot at seeing em.

      In other news, here’s the USA’s Swimming team goofing off in song

    6. MonkeyMonster says:

      I’m going to have to pass, on that thread relay idea

    7. The First Door says:

      At least you didn’t say you didn’t say “2012″, “London” or “Olympics” together, or you would really have been in trouble.

      Wait…

    8. Kdansky says:

      More suggestions:

      - Loudest nerdgasm for Starcraft 2 or UMvC3 commentators.
      - Quickest person to deactivate VSync and mouse-acceleration in modern console-ports.
      - Zombie-counting

      • The Random One says:

        - Quickest to vomit due to lack of FOV controls
        - For console players: least stupid defense of a controller’s superiority for playing FPS’s
        - For PC players: least stupid defense of a keyboard’s superiority for playing platformers
        - Boycott endurance challenge (current world record is almost an entire hour before breaking down and finding a flimsy justification for buying the game anyway
        - Synchronized entitlement

    9. DanPryce says:

      Modern Warfare Pentathlon.

    10. Enzo says:

      Wow this is a bad post.

    11. sinister agent says:

      The 300 metre DRM Legitimate Customer Shoot.

      The Triple Triple Jump

      The I Won’t Play This Unless It’s On Steam Relay.

      The Synchronised Fanboy

      The Wait-I-left-my-torch-on-shit-damn-it Sprint

      The Leftie Multicultural Crap, Skip and Jump

      The Ubisoft Release Decathlon

      Origin Knows You’re Not Clapping, Citizen.

      The Shotgun Put

      The G-(DOWNLOADING PATCH… 1%)

      The Secretly Y-inverted Javelin

    12. The Polo says:

      Where’s QWOP competiton?

      • particlese says:

        I just got -2m.

        • gwathdring says:

          I forget my best forward distance. But the most I ever got backwards was -10. I figured … if I kept going … maybe I’d find a way to stabilize and then go forwards again … so I kept barely keeping the poor man from falling backwards and eventually DID manage to move forwards for about a step or two only to fall over anyway.

    13. RuySan says:

      Great post. I was yesterday talking with a friend of how silly is that golf is going to be an Olympic Sport starting in 2016. Even if i love computer gaming very much, this post explains better than i ever will that asking for it to be an Olympic sport is just downright insane.

    14. bill says:

      “I got turned down for tickets and now half the bloody seats are empty I mean what a farce”

      I hope this is in jest.

    15. particlese says:

      Huh. I just realized that I still haven’t made a giant phallus in Minecraft. Unless you count all the 128-high pillars of dirt with trees at the top and beds at the bottom that I use for landmarks.

      In other news, the US team stabbed itself in the face about 30 seconds into the “broadcast something Olypics-related without inane commentary or commercials” event.

    16. Unaco says:

      I think that 3rd/last picture counts as ‘Doping’.

    17. Det says:

      I’m aghast that there’s no out of place portal mechanic insertion event myself, but one step at a time I suppose.

    18. Hazzard65 says:

      +1 internets!

    19. phelix says:

      ‘Generic FPS Naming Slalom (Current record holder: Medal of Honor Warfighter)’

      You sir, made my day.

    20. Man Raised by Puffins says:

      - Beach Bloodbowl
      - Coxless Duke Nukem Forever
      - Keirin Gillon (replacing Fucking Judo)
      - Team Hot Pursuit
      - Tom Clancy’s: Water Polo: Red Tide
      - Men’s Laser Squad
      - Lightweight Double Skulltag

    21. felisc says:

      I think RPS has two strong contenders for the famous “Stalker Namedropping Marathon” and the overlooked “Adventure game sobbing Sprint”.

    22. MonkeyMonster says:

      Board game eating competitions; extra bonus points for eating warhammer scenery along with your tomato sauce and pesto painted skaven?

    23. AbyssUK says:

      - 512m teabaging
      - 1024m corridor man shoot dash
      - 8096m press e to open door hurdles
      - high rocket jump
      - never ending install direct x-ATHON

    24. pakoito says:

      >MOBA 3-Lane Pro-griefing

      My kind of competition

    25. Screamer says:

      The 100m Fat Men With Horse on Back sprint

    26. Smashbox says:

      I wonder how long it will take for Mr. Coe to smash down the gates of Castle Shotgun for using those RINGS in an image.

    27. Chris D says:

      Ooh! Fake game-related olympic events and bad puns!

      My nomination is for an event based on a dark and gritty retelling of the film “Bambi”s dramatic last scenes only with Korean martial arts instead of guns.

      Would go by the title: “Take One Doe”

    28. KDR_11k says:

      Is Gordon holding a 1 Pfennig (0.01 DM) coin?

    29. hjd_uk says:

      Elite Solar-Hydrogen Skimming Freestyle
      Bunnyhop 200m
      Full Inventory Encumberment 1000m (all-day event)
      Portal Terminal-Velocity Gymnastics

    30. MythArcana says:

      And speaking of sucker punches…

    31. Lumberjack_Man says:

      To pun or not to pun, that is the equestrian

    32. Syra says:

      Linking real life tragedies to videogame violence slalom.

    33. UncleLou says:

      Is Gordon holding a good old German Pfennig? I sense a subtle political commentary on the Euro crisis.

    34. Dizzard says:

      I think it would be pretty interesting if there was a gaming equivalent of the Olympic Games.

    Comment on this story

    XHTML: Allowed code: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>