By Alec Meer on July 30th, 2012 at 1:30 pm.
Occasionally, certain corners of the internet and media defiantly make their case for pro-graming being included as an Olympic sport. I call those people narrow-minded in the extreme – of course gaming should be part of the greatest sports show on Earth, but restricting it to that tiny, scary niche would be a terrible mistake. There are far more important aspects of gaming that deserve their own Olympic classes. Here are just a few, and I hope you’ll suggest some more.
MOBA 3-Lane Pro-griefing
Desert Bus 1600 Mile Endurance
Day Z Installation Time Trials
The Diablo III Real Money Auction House Go For Broke Challenge
YouTube Comments Godwin’s Law Speed Trial
Cross-Country Playing Ubisoft Games On Public Transport
Fattest Man Squeezed Into A Replica HEV Suit Weigh-Offs
The Minecraft 5 Minute Giant Phallus Construction Sprint
Boiling Point Flying Jaguar 800 Metre Pursuit
Generic FPS Naming Slalom (Current record holder: Medal of Honor Warfighter)
Pretentiousness Gymnastics (Independent Entrants Only)
Still Moaning About Bioshock After Five Years Dressage
Synchronised Retweets From Notch, CliffyB and Tim Schafer
Out Of Context Quote / Speculative Headline / Spuriously Finding Cause To Avoid Linking To Rival Site Triathlon (Media-only event)
Half-Life 3 Rumour-Mongering
1000 Comment RPS Pun Thread Relay
Hey, that guy who’s going to post ‘slow news day, eh?’ You win Gold in the Stupid Git Marathon.
30/07/2012 at 13:35 Rao Dao Zao says:
You’re really going for gold this time, but I think we’ll be running rings round that Pun Thread Relay.
30/07/2012 at 13:50 RaveTurned says:
It should be plain Sailing for regular readers, as long as they don’t start re-Cycling puns too soon.
30/07/2012 at 13:55 westyfield says:
I’m still on the fencing about this thread, but perhaps it will épée out. I’d be pretty piste if anyone tried to foil my swordplay puns though, this is the last one I have, luckily it’s a life-sabre.
30/07/2012 at 14:18 Tams80 says:
Now, now. Don’t start rowing about it. I’d hate to see this thread dive to the bottom of the table.
30/07/2012 at 14:52 Smashbox says:
I can tell you wrestled with that one for a while.
30/07/2012 at 15:03 P7uen says:
That pun was so awful my toes are curling.
30/07/2012 at 15:07 lasikbear says:
But in the end he did manage to pin down a good pun
30/07/2012 at 17:22 Suits says:
I thought it was going swimmingly so far
30/07/2012 at 21:08 Cheese says:
This is just the opening ceremony, but I think I’m going to keep a minimum of 100 meters between myself and this thread.
31/07/2012 at 07:01 ombasfw says:
Are you sure? I couldn’t really tell, I didn’t hear it. Might have to play it again.
http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2011/06/27/supreme-court-videogames/
31/07/2012 at 14:58 Unaco says:
Disappointing. Obviously the RPS punners lack the stamina to go the distance. They’ve fallen at the final hurdle, and they really haven’t given this 110%.
I saw a Chinese pun thread that started around the same time… they’ve got 560 puns, and they’ve even stripped out duplicates and ones that weren’t very good.
30/07/2012 at 14:47 RaveTurned says:
I’m in awe of your rapier wit. ;)
30/07/2012 at 14:50 westyfield says:
To attempt a response to that would be without point, you are clearly on very sharp form. I’ll simply say: well blade, sir! Well blade!
30/07/2012 at 15:30 MikoSquiz says:
Rapier than what?
30/07/2012 at 15:47 RaveTurned says:
I Salute you dear commenter, Touché! Such a Riposte did almost Pommel me into submission, and left me feeling Feint. Since endurance punning is not my Forte I feel I must Pass on this Engagement, but I hope you will be En-Garde for any fencing puns in Absence. :)
30/07/2012 at 15:20 HothMonster says:
You set a high-bar sir.
30/07/2012 at 13:53 Milky1985 says:
With a hop a skip and a jump we will bunny hop our way to victory
30/07/2012 at 14:08 Ian says:
Judo-n’t just get this ability to create pun threads naturally, we commentsthreaders have had to put a lot of effort in building up to this glorious day.
30/07/2012 at 14:19 felisc says:
A 1000 punthread you say ?
I’m sure we could roundhouse click our way through it. I’ll bring a camera though : camera roll… TakeOne,Do it !
30/07/2012 at 14:25 Arathain says:
The starting gun’s gone off and this pun thread’s off and running, so I only need to pass the baton to the next commentator.
30/07/2012 at 20:28 Untitled says:
Relay? Judo know you can’t get away with puns of that quality in this event?
30/07/2012 at 14:31 McDan says:
I’m glad to see other RPS commentors are really on the ball with this event, but the 1000 pun thread would definetely be a herculean effort.
30/07/2012 at 14:38 Screamer says:
Naah, shouldn’t be more difficult than one lap of breast stroke!
30/07/2012 at 16:08 Milos says:
Will they or won’t they manage? The tennis-ion is killing me.
30/07/2012 at 14:35 sinister agent says:
1,000 puns, you say? That would make this a killer thread.
30/07/2012 at 15:02 P7uen says:
Would love to contribute to this thread but my old Pentium laptop is throwing in the towel. My friends told me to try Athlon, should’ve listened.
30/07/2012 at 15:05 Raiyan 1.0 says:
A thousand puns? Only the Olympian commentators of RPS can jump over that hurdle!
30/07/2012 at 15:12 Raiyan 1.0 says:
It’s a long shot, sure, but when has that stopped these folks from gunning for the gold?
30/07/2012 at 16:18 Urthman says:
Gentlemen! Ladies! Simply mentioning a sport isn’t a pun! You’ve got to have some really terrible wordplay, and I think ten is the most genuine puns we’ve got so far.
30/07/2012 at 16:39 The Random One says:
Mentioning the name of a sport when not actually referring to it is what a pun is.
You soccer at this! (Okay so maybe I’m not really qualified to talk about puns either)
30/07/2012 at 17:14 Rhin says:
Try not to put your football in your mouth next time. (Yeah, I’m not winning any medals either)
30/07/2012 at 20:31 SuperNashwanPower says:
Usain we suck at puns?
30/07/2012 at 17:06 Gap Gen says:
300 metres!
30/07/2012 at 18:41 mr.black says:
Hope the referees won’t disqualify him for that.
But just remember, the most important thing isn’t wining, it’s taking pun. And making a new one.
30/07/2012 at 17:09 Skabooga says:
Hush now, stop medalling with our fun.
30/07/2012 at 20:02 pmcp says:
I totally agree. Who let all the wiff-waff into Wock Paper Shotgun?
30/07/2012 at 16:49 Gap Gen says:
Interesting discussion.
30/07/2012 at 17:42 McDan says:
Keep it up people, it’s a marathon not a sprint. If we each break our personal best we can do it.
30/07/2012 at 17:44 Adam Smith says:
It’s something of a rampant marathon, with all sorts of emotion on display.
30/07/2012 at 17:49 Lambchops says:
I amazed this pun thread hasn’t gone off the Boyle. This is turning into an Ippon-ymous example of punning expertise.
30/07/2012 at 19:58 pmcp says:
Steady on Sunshine, it’s not gone off the Boyle yet, Beach.
30/07/2012 at 18:14 Iliya Moroumetz says:
Not sure where else to put this, but dang, threads like these are why I LOVE RPS. :D
Keep shining you crazy, wonderful people!
30/07/2012 at 22:55 Faxmachinen says:
It’s a high aim
But it won’t take long-
Bow before our pointed wit
We’re flying towards our target
30/07/2012 at 13:35 Flint says:
It’ll take some major mental gymnastics to make a run for that pun thread.
30/07/2012 at 13:37 JohnnyMaverik says:
O.o
…Slow news day eh?
I am champion ^_^
30/07/2012 at 13:52 RaveTurned says:
Turns out that medal’s pyrite. :P
30/07/2012 at 15:41 syndrome says:
with depleted uranium traces
30/07/2012 at 17:14 Aardvarkk says:
Forged in the fires of Hitler and his natzis. in their bumhole. Wear it with pride.
30/07/2012 at 13:37 grundus says:
I guess this would explain the SAM launcher that just popped up on my roof.
30/07/2012 at 13:45 Malk_Content says:
The best thing about the missiles is now all we get is a cardboard box containing pamphlets about the armed forces with a note saying “They are here now, nothing you can do, please take a pamphlet for more information.”
30/07/2012 at 14:02 bill says:
sounds serious…
30/07/2012 at 16:47 sinister agent says:
Are you sure? I couldn’t really tell, I didn’t hear it. Might have to play it again.
30/07/2012 at 17:16 Skabooga says:
Of all the comment threads, in all the articles, in all the internet, you pun into mine.
30/07/2012 at 18:12 bear912 says:
Skabooga, I link this is the beginning of a beautiful threadship.
30/07/2012 at 19:31 Dr. Evanzan says:
bear912, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the puns of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.
30/07/2012 at 13:40 Burning Man says:
Hey, I don’t live anywhere near the Olympics. At least you got a shot at seeing em.
In other news, here’s the USA’s Swimming team goofing off in song
30/07/2012 at 14:06 Ninja Foodstuff says:
The thing is, we don’t have a shot at seeing them. I live about 1/2 mile away from the nearest venue, and you either need a LOT of money or to be linked to some corporate sponsor in some way.
Hence all the empty seats.
30/07/2012 at 14:35 marcusfell says:
Didnt they make it free for students?
30/07/2012 at 14:26 Tams80 says:
That was a great video! They actually look like team in it.
30/07/2012 at 13:40 MonkeyMonster says:
I’m going to have to pass, on that thread relay idea
30/07/2012 at 13:51 The First Door says:
At least you didn’t say you didn’t say “2012″, “London” or “Olympics” together, or you would really have been in trouble.
Wait…
30/07/2012 at 13:51 Kdansky says:
More suggestions:
- Loudest nerdgasm for Starcraft 2 or UMvC3 commentators.
- Quickest person to deactivate VSync and mouse-acceleration in modern console-ports.
- Zombie-counting
30/07/2012 at 16:32 The Random One says:
- Quickest to vomit due to lack of FOV controls
- For console players: least stupid defense of a controller’s superiority for playing FPS’s
- For PC players: least stupid defense of a keyboard’s superiority for playing platformers
- Boycott endurance challenge (current world record is almost an entire hour before breaking down and finding a flimsy justification for buying the game anyway
- Synchronized entitlement
30/07/2012 at 13:53 DanPryce says:
Modern Warfare Pentathlon.
30/07/2012 at 13:54 Enzo says:
Wow this is a bad post.
30/07/2012 at 13:57 Alec Meer says:
The thing I like about you is that hopefully I’ll never meet you.
30/07/2012 at 14:05 bill says:
I’m not sure the “your mum” style responses to readers are befitting of a serious news outlet that was featured on the BBC!
30/07/2012 at 14:19 The First Door says:
To be fair, it is more accurate reporting than the BBC featured during the Diamond Jubilee Pageant.
30/07/2012 at 17:07 Gap Gen says:
Saudi Arabias, how do they work?
30/07/2012 at 14:21 Tams80 says:
You’re just jealous because your mum wasn’t featured on the BBC.
30/07/2012 at 14:32 sinister agent says:
Well of course she wasn’t. We’re still before the watershed.
30/07/2012 at 14:01 Ninja Foodstuff says:
Oh come on, how can you not smile at synchronised retweets?
30/07/2012 at 17:06 Gap Gen says:
Traitor! No retweet!
30/07/2012 at 15:08 Nick says:
Thats very self aware of you, Enzo, your post is indeed bad.
30/07/2012 at 13:55 sinister agent says:
The 300 metre DRM Legitimate Customer Shoot.
The Triple Triple Jump
The I Won’t Play This Unless It’s On Steam Relay.
The Synchronised Fanboy
The Wait-I-left-my-torch-on-shit-damn-it Sprint
The Leftie Multicultural Crap, Skip and Jump
The Ubisoft Release Decathlon
Origin Knows You’re Not Clapping, Citizen.
The Shotgun Put
The G-(DOWNLOADING PATCH… 1%)
The Secretly Y-inverted Javelin
30/07/2012 at 13:59 westyfield says:
The Valve Software triathlon, consisting of swimming and cycling.
30/07/2012 at 14:18 yhancik says:
Well done ;)
30/07/2012 at 14:19 Telzis says:
The Quantic Dream Shark Jumping Competition
30/07/2012 at 14:25 SanguineAngel says:
oh well done sir
30/07/2012 at 14:27 Arathain says:
Hah. I had to think about that one for a second.
30/07/2012 at 14:32 Mbaya says:
Excellent, took me a while too…you could hear the clunk as it fell into place :)
30/07/2012 at 14:33 sinister agent says:
Welp, time for me to retire. Well played!
30/07/2012 at 18:11 Magnusm1 says:
I don’t get it. >:(
30/07/2012 at 23:34 Arathain says:
How many events are in the Valve triathlon? How many should there be?
31/07/2012 at 00:11 Magnusm1 says:
Oh. Wasn’t sure what a triathlon was. Now I get it.
30/07/2012 at 14:01 Ninja Foodstuff says:
Beach Volleyball physics
The inability to 100m sprint
30/07/2012 at 14:29 Mbaya says:
“The Secretly Y-inverted Javelin” = Brilliant :)
30/07/2012 at 14:47 roryok says:
Scratched unreadable Discus
Rocket Jump
100m No Clip
10cm Kerb Jump
30/07/2012 at 15:39 westyfield says:
Also the Call of Duty Heptathlon: running, running, running, running, running, running, running.
30/07/2012 at 16:07 LennyLeonardo says:
Zarch-ery.
Thank you.
30/07/2012 at 16:14 westyfield says:
*Googles Zarch*
*Pause for effect*
*Applause*
30/07/2012 at 17:24 Skabooga says:
Waist-high fence hurdling.
30/07/2012 at 13:58 The Polo says:
Where’s QWOP competiton?
30/07/2012 at 14:11 particlese says:
I just got -2m.
30/07/2012 at 23:41 gwathdring says:
I forget my best forward distance. But the most I ever got backwards was -10. I figured … if I kept going … maybe I’d find a way to stabilize and then go forwards again … so I kept barely keeping the poor man from falling backwards and eventually DID manage to move forwards for about a step or two only to fall over anyway.
30/07/2012 at 14:04 RuySan says:
Great post. I was yesterday talking with a friend of how silly is that golf is going to be an Olympic Sport starting in 2016. Even if i love computer gaming very much, this post explains better than i ever will that asking for it to be an Olympic sport is just downright insane.
30/07/2012 at 14:06 bill says:
“I got turned down for tickets and now half the bloody seats are empty I mean what a farce”
I hope this is in jest.
30/07/2012 at 14:06 particlese says:
Huh. I just realized that I still haven’t made a giant phallus in Minecraft. Unless you count all the 128-high pillars of dirt with trees at the top and beds at the bottom that I use for landmarks.
In other news, the US team stabbed itself in the face about 30 seconds into the “broadcast something Olypics-related without inane commentary or commercials” event.
30/07/2012 at 14:07 Unaco says:
I think that 3rd/last picture counts as ‘Doping’.
30/07/2012 at 14:10 Det says:
I’m aghast that there’s no out of place portal mechanic insertion event myself, but one step at a time I suppose.
30/07/2012 at 14:16 Hazzard65 says:
+1 internets!
30/07/2012 at 14:24 phelix says:
‘Generic FPS Naming Slalom (Current record holder: Medal of Honor Warfighter)’
You sir, made my day.
30/07/2012 at 14:29 Man Raised by Puffins says:
- Beach Bloodbowl
- Coxless Duke Nukem Forever
- Keirin Gillon (replacing Fucking Judo)
- Team Hot Pursuit
- Tom Clancy’s: Water Polo: Red Tide
- Men’s Laser Squad
- Lightweight Double Skulltag
30/07/2012 at 15:23 MonkeyMonster says:
“Keirin Gillon” :D or perhaps Gallon?…
“Cleaning the hive mind tank using remote edible subs”
30/07/2012 at 15:15 felisc says:
I think RPS has two strong contenders for the famous “Stalker Namedropping Marathon” and the overlooked “Adventure game sobbing Sprint”.
30/07/2012 at 15:30 MonkeyMonster says:
Board game eating competitions; extra bonus points for eating warhammer scenery along with your tomato sauce and pesto painted skaven?
30/07/2012 at 15:51 AbyssUK says:
- 512m teabaging
- 1024m corridor man shoot dash
- 8096m press e to open door hurdles
- high rocket jump
- never ending install direct x-ATHON
30/07/2012 at 15:53 pakoito says:
>MOBA 3-Lane Pro-griefing
My kind of competition
30/07/2012 at 16:00 Screamer says:
The 100m Fat Men With Horse on Back sprint
30/07/2012 at 16:30 Smashbox says:
I wonder how long it will take for Mr. Coe to smash down the gates of Castle Shotgun for using those RINGS in an image.
30/07/2012 at 17:12 Gap Gen says:
In Canary Wharf, where the shadows are.
30/07/2012 at 16:50 Chris D says:
Ooh! Fake game-related olympic events and bad puns!
My nomination is for an event based on a dark and gritty retelling of the film “Bambi”s dramatic last scenes only with Korean martial arts instead of guns.
Would go by the title: “Take One Doe”
30/07/2012 at 17:21 KDR_11k says:
Is Gordon holding a 1 Pfennig (0.01 DM) coin?
30/07/2012 at 17:44 hjd_uk says:
Elite Solar-Hydrogen Skimming Freestyle
Bunnyhop 200m
Full Inventory Encumberment 1000m (all-day event)
Portal Terminal-Velocity Gymnastics
30/07/2012 at 17:51 MythArcana says:
And speaking of sucker punches…
30/07/2012 at 17:57 Lumberjack_Man says:
To pun or not to pun, that is the equestrian
30/07/2012 at 18:51 Syra says:
Linking real life tragedies to videogame violence slalom.
31/07/2012 at 09:23 UncleLou says:
Is Gordon holding a good old German Pfennig? I sense a subtle political commentary on the Euro crisis.
31/07/2012 at 21:47 Dizzard says:
I think it would be pretty interesting if there was a gaming equivalent of the Olympic Games.