You Can Pre-Order Aliens: Colonial Marines If You Like

By John Walker on September 13th, 2012 at 6:00 pm.

The start of a beautiful romance.

Here’s a good idea for a game. There’s this giant alien, like, the size of a suburb, and it’s eaten all the locals. You are a member of an elite squad of marines, and you must enter its intestines to save them. It’s called Alien’s Colonial Marines. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the difference an apostrophe can make. Another joke I would like to tell at some time in the future is when Aliens: Colonial Marines becomes cheaper but not quite cheaper enough, and I can say, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this drop.” Meanwhile, the best I can do is alert you to the knowledge that you can now pre-order the game, and that there’s a trailer telling you to do so.

Except the game’s website is very naughty, and no matter what you pick it only directs you to the pre-order for the Collector’s Edition at this point, for a rather enormous £60. (£70 on consoles, mind.) In that box you get a bunch of pretend paperwork, a box that is calling itself a “Xeno Hive”, and a power loader figurine. Toys, basically. Very expensive toys. Which is lovely. Then of course there’s the utter tedium of exclusive in-game bullshit. So you’ll get access to extra movie characters, Ripley’s flamethrower, some firing range, and oh who gives a crap. Bloody ridiculous nonsense.

Pre-order the somewhat more hidden “Limited Edition”, and you’ll pay £35, and get the same in-game rubbish that should be either in the game or not, but none of the expensive toys.

The game is out in February next year, so don’t go getting too excited just yet.

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38 Comments »

  1. Shooop says:

    The real question is will they tango or do a waltz in the screencap?

  2. mouton says:

    Nice facial animation there – gotta love bland, expressionless faces. Then again, some of them are probably androids anyway.

    • dE says:

      They’re all androids. Solves the gender issue.
      (please don’t torch me… too much?)

      -
      Now about the game, my first reaction to the headline was: No I don’t. At which point I’ll backpedal out of this comment section and go back to playing the first AVP.

      • spectone says:

        If we can get them to frisk with the ships captain then we’ll believe they are not androids.

    • Fumarole says:

      I prefer the term Artificial Person myself.

    • Subject 706 says:

      Or very stoic marines, made out of cardboard.

  3. sonofsanta says:

    Didn’t Gears of War 2 already have that level?

    • Tommando says:

      It did indeed. I could never understand how the inside of that monster was so well lit.

  4. Premium User Badge Tom De Roeck says:

    and somewhere along the way, they managed to make something which was genuinely scary, rather bland.

    I blame the horrible soundtrack.

  5. noom says:

    Don’t take my money.

    • tobecooper says:

      I’m actively throwing my money away from the monitor.

      • Dances to Podcasts says:

        I’m waving money at the monitor and making nya nya nya nya nyaaaa sounds.

  6. db1331 says:

    I don’t think I could ever pre-order an Aliens game. It’s like Bond. For some reason, people just can’t seem to turn an awesome franchise into an even average game. I will keep an open mind to it, but I need to see some reviews first. Not for a number or a percentage, but just a little insight.

  7. jonfitt says:

    Please Guardian Online tell me more about how it is “compelling”. Can you tell us if the graphics are realistic? How about replayability? I hear that it will appeal to fans of .

  8. felisc says:

    my answer to this game is still a big fat “meh”

  9. Shortwave says:

    Well, that trailer seriously.. Almost showed me, something.
    I seen some flashes.. I seen “GIVE US MONEY NEOW”.
    Right, kay so.

    No, I will not preorder this game.
    No, I will not buy it’s DLC either, ever.
    Release a SP demo please, I will try it.
    And if I like it, I will buy it..
    The end.

  10. Archipelagos says:

    Bizarre. One of the earlier trailers for this was actually really quite good, nice choice of music and edited well. How they went from that to this rubbish is baffling. Is the marketing department just a revolving door?

    • Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      Actually, it is. Literally, it is a revolving door. Some days it has good days and people actually use it. Other days it just gets ignored as everyone mashes the “DISABLED ACCESS” button and flounces through the traditional door to the side of it.

      • buzzmong says:

        It’s rare, but this is one of those times I wish I could do a “Like” on a post. :)

      • Archipelagos says:

        That’s a name to make people swoon. Me included.

  11. buzzmong says:

    Well, 12th of Feb is still over 4 months away. I really hope all the recent trailers have been created using really old builds, as what I’ve seen in the recent trailers for this game isn’t impressive on the gameplay front.

  12. int says:

    If Michael Biehn and Bill Paxton provided their voices I would buy this game now.

  13. Jim9137 says:

    Nah.

  14. YourMessageHere says:

    “There’s this giant alien, like, the size of a suburb, and it’s eaten all the locals. You are a member of an elite squad of marines, and you must enter its intestines to save them. It’s called Alien’s Colonial Marines. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the difference an apostrophe can make.”

    I am saving this in my sizeable text file of other people’s genius for later deployment. It is this and things of its ilk that brings me back here and vindicates my slogging through all the tedious bits about indie platformers and board games. You RPS people are lovely.

  15. thecat17 says:

    Aliens: Call of Duty Colonial Ops

    That’s what I’ve seen from the gameplay trailers.

  16. DarkFenix says:

    Ehh, a few years ago you could probably have sold me this game on premise and franchise alone. I’m a little less inclined towards blind franchise faith now, so this looks very much like a pirate-to-try job to me.

    • Caiman says:

      I almost feel that the time for licensed Aliens games is past. They had their chance, they screwed it up again and again and again, and now I really just don’t care anymore. I will probably pick this up in a sale if it’s above average, but it’s going to have to be absolutely mindblowing for me to buy it at release. As for pre-order, the schmucks are over in that direction.

  17. eclipse mattaru says:

    “Follow in the footsteps of legends”, they say, and then they show Hudson, who spent 97% of his time in the movie whining, and Apone and Drake, who got their asses kicked about 7 minutes in. And no Vazquez. And, of course, let’s not even mention Ripley. But hey, Ripley’s flamethrower is in there. Motherfuck this garbage.

  18. TwwIX says:

    This game exudes “meh”. I just hope that i don’t regret pre-ordering Borderlands 2.

  19. razgon says:

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but isnt this the game that was almost cancelled, put on hold, and then picked up by another Developer team than the original one, since they were let go? That would explain the jarring shift in the game’s focus and looks. Honestly, this looks like something that some executives ordered rushed out to door to minimize cost and loss from.

    • atticus says:

      Yeah, it was initially called: “Alien Duke: Colonial Nuke Forever.”

  20. Screamer says:

    DLC coming out of the walls! Lets Book! I mostly read wot I think first…..mostly.

  21. DestructibleEnvironments says:

    Vasquez? VASQUES?! VASQUEZ!!?! No? Oh okay.

  22. DXN says:

    Time for Vasquez to get those big black boots on..

  23. Cpl Hicks says:

    I can not wait for this game. Been waiting for ages, gonna lock myself in a room and play for eternity. Does anyone know if you get the Pre-Order extras with any Pre-Ordered game, regardless of where you bought it from?