Now Playable By Humans: War Of The Human Tanks

By Nathan Grayson on September 18th, 2012 at 7:00 pm.

To err is human. And tanks, well, tanks do tank things.

I imagine that – given the proper faculties and digits – it could also theoretically be played by tanks. Regardless, War of the Human Tanks is now available in our Latin-derived tongue of choice via Desura. You may remember that Alec was quite taken by its name, but does War of the Human Tanks, in fact, also take names? Well, you can find out for yourself, because there’s a free demo. Or you can just read my impressions of said free demo, because there’s, um, a lot to digest here. I have seen some things. Or rather, I’ve read them. I’ve read a lot of them.

War of the Human Tanks wants to an anime. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, either. Rather, it’s divided into multiple episodes that each have their own loud, dancy J-Pop opening and closing credits. Between battles, meanwhile, characters – which occupy just about every cliched anime role under the rising sun – chit-chat and engage in all kinds of hit-or-miss slapstick humor that you can’t actually see because (and this hurts the whole “wants to be an anime thing” a bit) there’s no animation. So you just read. Characters go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

And on.*

It’s a weird mix of candy coated hyperactive “moe” madness and soulful ruminations on the socially problematic nature of tanks with minds of their own, and I can’t decide if it’s slightly brilliant or just the dumbest thing that’s ever happened. For whatever it’s worth, though, the translation seems competent.

This thing is giving me horrible, crippling nightmares. And I'm not even sleeping.

Battles, meanwhile, definitely have potential. The ones I tried were pretty basic, but I could already see some interesting dynamics developing between the handful of core tank classes. Doing “recon” on unknown spaces, for instance, was key, so scouts paved the way for my real assaults quite nicely, but didn’t usually survive beyond the first few turns. However, rush tactics were also viable, with my enemy managing to take out nearly half my army with a well-placed early kamikaze strike. Overall, though, it felt pretty Advance-Wars-y – just with hexes instead of grid-based maps and time-based element to turn-taking.

Creating and upgrading tanks, unfortunately, seemed fairly basic, merely presenting me with a handful of options and currency amounts. There wasn’t really any tweaking to be done that I could find. Instead, the focus was on “Well, do I want this upgrade now, or would I rather spend money on a different one?”

Granted, I only checked out the first few episodes. I’d imagine (or at least, I’d really hope) War of the Human Tanks picks up a bit after its tutorial finishes slowly doling out knowledge. Even so, I have to admit to feeling a bit sad about this whole state of affairs. War of the Human Tanks, to me, serves as a reminder that I don’t live in a world where amazingness of name directly correlates to general amazingness. Because if I did, War of the Human Tanks would be Half-Life 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8, and it’d be delivered via physical media. And that physical media would be the world’s best chocolate cake. But alas. I suppose I’ll just have to keep dreaming.

*And on.

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13 Comments »

  1. killias2 says:

    “Regardless, War of the Human Tanks is now available in our Latin-derived tongue of choice via Desura.”

    I’m guessing English, which is Germanic not Latin, is also available? ;-)

    • Askeladd says:

      Um… Latin letters… only a pedant would argue what he wanted to say.
      It seems clear to me ;>

      • killias2 says:

        Well, I was being deliberately silly.

        But, to be fair, he wasn’t talking about Latin letters. He said “Latin-derived tongue of choice.” English isn’t a Latin-derived tongue.

        Still, I’m just being a dick. I don’t really care, haha.

        • Vander says:

          Well, english has a lot of french words in it…nearly 30% of english words have a french origin.

          60% of english words have a latin origin.

          • AndreasBM says:

            English is, in fact, germanic, even though it is probably the germanic language with most influence from latin languages. So it’s an understandable misunderstandig!

          • killias2 says:

            I grant that there are a lot of Latin words in English, just as, for example, there are now lots of English words in languages around the world (due to colonization and globalization). However, as noted by AndreasBM, English is still a Germanic language.

  2. hypercrisis says:

    those japanese cartoons and their wide variety of art styles huh

    • Totally heterosexual says:

      Implying that all japanese cartoons look like this.

      Thankfully not.

    • TCM says:

      This is absolutely as dumb a thing to say as “Those western cartoons and their wide variety of art styles huh,” or “Those comic books and their wide variety of art styles huh.”

      Of course, if you want to claim that, say, Azumanga Daioh looks identical to Fist of the North Star, I won’t stop you. I will call you an idiot to your face, but I won’t stop you.

      • Zepp says:

        U won’t stop me cuz… u can’t!!! I AM HUMAN TANK!!! I will ravage u with my caterpillar wheels and penetrate with bullets made of mansteel.

        APOCALYPSE!

  3. echoMateria says:

    Thanks for taking a look at our game Nathan. As you suspected, the battles get increasingly complex and your options increase as you progress through the game. Their pace never slows down, though – quite the opposite. Just to fill in the rest of the release details:

    War of the human Tanks released September 14th with a price tag of $8.99 (10% OFF $9.99). It is available from Indievania, Desura, Gamersgate and Green Man Gaming with a Steam Greenlight page waiting for your support. You can grab a link to the said demo from our homepage.

  4. Spengbab says:

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanime.

    More like no.