By John Walker on October 31st, 2012 at 11:00 am.
It’s Halloooweeeeeeeeeen, and as such every game in the existence of King Time is having an event. Where once there were soldiers, now there are zombies. Fantastical creatures are now undeeeeeeeeaaaaad. Artists have drawn fangs on lots of their assets. But what about the other forms of media? How are they redesigning their output to suit this night of uncontrolled evil? I’ve rounded up the highlights, from Saving Private Ryan to 50 Shades Of Grey.
Film
Saving Private Ryan
If you pop in your DVD of the Spielberg war-o-rama this evening, you’ll be in for a treat! As the American soldiers storm the beaches of Normandy, where you might be expecting to see their facing the might of the German army, today it’s vampires! The 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 101st Airborne Division, put down their guns and pick up their stakes, in a battle against these bloodsuckers like you’ve never seen before! Will they be able to rescue Private First Class James Francis Ryan before he join the ranks of the nightwalkers?
You’ve Got Mail
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan’s romantic classic gets an update for one night only, as the ghost of AOL turns ugly and does all it can to drive the two apart. Angry at its increasing obsolescence in the world of sending and receiving email, the two lovebirds find their missives not being delivered, instead able to focus on their intense personal dislike of one another. This finishes with Greg Kinnear gruesomely murdering both Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, before pleading to the camera that everyone watch the infinitely superior The Shop Around The Corner instead. “You’ve got impaled!”
Star Wars VII
Yes, despite promises it would never happen, George Lucas has sold his entire company to Disney so they can continue the franchise… Ha ha, sorry, just my little joke. I was perhaps going too far in trying to scare you.
Books
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
Most people are familiar with the adventures of Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy, as they travel into the magical world of Narnia. But what about if they had guns? If you open your copy this evening, highlights will include the White Witch slaughtering and roasting Mr Tumnus, stuffed with Turkish delight, the brutal fight between Mr and Mrs Beaver that sees neither survive, and Aslan’s rising from the dead as ZOMBIE ASLAN, and devouring his own army.
50 Shades Of Grey
Some extracts:
“He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing against my spleen. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and puts it in a jar. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me, eating my left eye. My legs begin to stiffen as I push against his hand. He gentles his hand, so I’m brought back from the brink of death… I bleed instantly again and again, falling apart beneath him.” (p.195)
“Suddenly he grabs me, tipping me across his lap. With one smooth movement, he angles his body so my torso is resting on the bed beside him, my legs and head on the floor by the wardrobe. He throws his right leg over both mine, where it lands with a thump, and plants his left forearm on the small of my back, holding me down so I cannot move. He places his hand on my naked behind, softly fondling me, stroking around and around with his flat palm. And then his hand is no longer there, severed and thrown against the wall.” (p.273)
Board Games
Chess
It’s going to be a whole different experience when pieces “take” each other this evening.
Kerplunk!
The stakes are certainly higher if you plan on a game of Kerplunk! tonight. MB Games have made a few changes for this hallowed eve, such that each marble represents a year of your life. Ready to pull those straws and see who’s going to make it to 2050?
Buckaroo
Despite the class action lawsuit from last year, Hasbro is persisting with its Halloween-themed changes today. Dig out your copy and you’ll find that stubborn mule won’t stop at bucking. Be prepared to have your front room trashed as that naughty mule experiments to see if further cross-species fertilisation is the solution to his infertility woes.
31/10/2012 at 11:04 MrThingy says:
Those extracts gave me a raging semi.
31/10/2012 at 13:35 RC-1290'Dreadnought' says:
Ahhh, yes, the extract!
31/10/2012 at 13:46 Low Life says:
Oh god, that sounds so wrong.
31/10/2012 at 11:05 Jockie says:
Those extracts are probably the most legitimately frightening thing I will see this Halloween.
31/10/2012 at 11:11 AndrewC says:
All hail the extracts – infinitely more disturbing than were probably intended!
Now we must begin the great ‘which RPS writer showed a bit too much of his subconscious’ Halloween hunt, 2012!
31/10/2012 at 11:14 John Walker says:
You wouldn’t believe how close they are to the originals. I barely had to change a word.
31/10/2012 at 11:19 SanguineAngel says:
I notice those pages are quite far in. Random picks or did you have to do some extensive “research”?
31/10/2012 at 11:39 lordcooper says:
Meaning you actually have a copy of the book?
31/10/2012 at 11:43 John Walker says:
Heh, no. I googled and found this:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/04/16/50-shades-of-grey-speed-read-14-naughtiest-bits.html
31/10/2012 at 11:51 AndrewC says:
Oh John, that’s cheating you *naughty* boy.
31/10/2012 at 12:27 Optimaximal says:
Full Disclosure at work people!
31/10/2012 at 14:38 Bhazor says:
Ahh 50 Shades of Grey. Porn written by a woman who has only had sex described to her.
I’ve read clop fics with more passion. And a better grasp of female biology.
31/10/2012 at 17:36 Phantoon says:
Wait, that WASN’T quoted verbatim?
Also, 50 Shades of Grey is probably about a realistic view of sex as what a preteen imagines it’s like. Just kidding, preteens aren’t mentally unstable in that way.
31/10/2012 at 11:20 phuzz says:
And this ladies and gentlemen is what happens to you when you play Hotline Miami.
BAN THIS SLICK FILTH!
31/10/2012 at 11:43 Fede says:
Now, this might be an english language fail on my part, but as far as I know the spleen is a bit towards the side and more or less where the last rib is. How can his thumb get that far (unless there is another spleen)?
31/10/2012 at 12:24 JB says:
Because, Halloween.
31/10/2012 at 12:27 Low Life says:
But that’s assuming the entry point of the hand is what you’re assuming.
31/10/2012 at 13:48 Syra says:
Quite so, you naughty boy reading the extract with your dirty, dirty, not scary enough mind
31/10/2012 at 11:25 Hodge says:
Obligatory.
31/10/2012 at 15:54 Mr-Link says:
Even more Obligatory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oUa-3W0BFI
31/10/2012 at 17:06 noom says:
Most Obligatory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1RcKJVbHA
31/10/2012 at 21:21 belgand says:
Even Mostest Olbigatory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnIl4g6qvpE
Though, of course, a few choice excerpts from the book would trump even that.
Actually, now that I think about it, someone get on merging these books. Well, unless they’re only going to do it because they have a terrible understanding of BDSM and the reality of D/s relationships.
31/10/2012 at 17:39 Phantoon says:
help i cant breathe
laughing too hard
send help
31/10/2012 at 11:26 nopol10 says:
Thought this was a serious article until I saw Star Wars VII. Who’s going to believe that?
31/10/2012 at 11:54 McDan says:
I know right? It’s ludicrous, the only way that’d happen would be for billions of dollar, like $4 billion or some stupid money. Other than that this is a hilarious halloween post. Good work.
31/10/2012 at 12:47 Screamer says:
I get still nightmares about George Lucas manically giggling and muttering almost inaudibly “….. from my cold dead hands……”