Agent 47 Didn’t Ask For This

By Alec Meer on December 3rd, 2012 at 5:00 pm.

His head is too big

Why distort one beloved franchise when you can do two at once? The latest DLC for Hitman: Ablutions once again fails to add new missions, ideally in a Streets of Hope vein, but instead a new costume and gun which can only be used in the Contracts mode. This new costume is the kevlar’n'metal duds of one Adam Jensen, he of Deus Ex: Human Revolution fame. This happens due to Hitman and Deux Ex being publisher stablemates, of course. As far as I can tell there is no narrative justification for why Baldy McChoke would come to acquire the augmented form of a mopey, bearded cyborg from the future, but hell, if Ridley Scott can contrive to unite the Blade Runner and Alien universes then this is no less silly.

The DXHR togs do make 47 look a bit like Gunther, mind.

The Jensen outfit, and his Zenith pistol (bought separately via Steam, for 69p each) are only useful in terms of combat, not stealth or sneaking into an all-cyborg dinner party, so don’t get your hopes up that the combination of two stealth-related games would result in ULTRA-STEALTH. It’s just a skin with a damage reduction buff and a gun for shooting dudes with. Kind of like this:

He doesn’t even get elbow swords!

Altogether now:
What
A
Shame

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119 Comments »

  1. Wreckdum says:

    Everything I have read about this game says I won’t like it. Torrenting it now to find out. If they ruined my favorite franchise I’m going to be very angry…

    • Carwash says:

      But if you enjoy it, you’ll of course rush out and purchase it .. ? ;)

      • Riaktion says:

        Hah! Yes! Seconded! *very much happy on high horse*

        • jessicahutchins7 says:

          up to I looked at the draft 4 $6111, I accept that my neighbour was actualy receiving money in there spare time at there computar.. there aunt has been doing this for less than sixteen months and as of now cleard the debts on their house and bourt a great Volkswagen Golf GTI. we looked here.. http://www.Google.MEL7.CoM

          • Tom Walker says:

            If you’re going to have a computer program fire your advert all over the Internet in the hope of making millions from the stupidity of the stupid, it’s perhaps best not to type it by just slamming your face against the keyboard.

    • AlwaysRight says:

      Uh oh, prepare to be angry.

    • colossalstrikepackage says:

      Methinks Hitman: Ablutions rather gives the game away.

    • lordfrikk says:

      I’ll save you the bandwidth, if you’re fan of previous games (especially BM) you’ll hate it before you’re done with the first mission (literally).

      • Uthred says:

        Absolution has as much if not more in common with the earlier games than BM does, BM was a bit of a departure from the earlier games and people need to stop with the revisionist bullshit. Why do people feel the need to dress up “I dont like this game because its not BM” with random bullshit?

        • PikaBot says:

          I think you’ll have to explain that statement a bit, chum. I’ve admittedly not played Agent 47 or Contracts, but I played Silent Assassin into the fucking ground and Blood Money was basically a better version of it.

          • yourgrandma says:

            Nope contracts was just like blood money as well. Blood money was not a departure at all. Only one that is a departure is H:A. Absolutely freaking awful game with awful game mechanics.

          • KenTWOu says:

            Blood Money was basically a better version of it

            It wasn’t, it has different disguise system.

  2. tobecooper says:

    Oooh, he looks so cute! He’s gonna get SO many sweets when he goes trick-or-treating.

    This looks more like Jensen wearing an Agent 47 mask. The head is too big to be a real head.

  3. Carwash says:

    if Ridley Scott can contrive to unite the Blade Runner and Alien universes then this is no less silly.

    WHAT?!

    • kevmscotland says:

      I too, would like further explanation of this…. this… monstrosity of a idea.

      • Baines says:

        A good description is here:
        http://www.firstshowing.net/2012/does-this-prometheus-easter-egg-hint-at-a-blade-runner-tie-in/

        There is an Easter Egg email that got people’s attentions, but it apparently went further than that. The article above mentions Scott floating the idea of the company being Weyland Tyrell, and has a supposed concept art of Roy Batty as a guard.

        • Subject 706 says:

          This + the news of this DLC almost makes it necessary for me to get drunk at work. Too bad I’m in an office space.

        • Pippy says:

          But what does Prometheus have to do with Alien or Blade Runner?

          • zaphod42 says:

            Are you joking? Not sure if serious.

            Prometheus is a clear prequel to Alien. I mean, fuck dude, they USED THE SAME SETS. Didn’t you notice the space jockey from Alien 1 in Prometheus?! That was HUGE! They’re directly related, set in the same world, over the same events. (SPOILERS) Prometheus CREATES the xenomorphs which cause Alien 1, Aliens, etc.

            Now, as for Blade Runner, the Alien series is set off on fringe mining colonies, while Blade Runner is set on a core world, Earth. They’re both in the future, set in the kind of used retro-junk-future. There’s no reason why the two aren’t completely compatible.

            They aren’t really necessary to be in the same world either, though. So it doesn’t matter either way. I just see it as Ridley Scott having fun.

          • Carwash says:

            Prometheus is not set on the same planet that is in Alien and Aliens (unless you mean same “world” as “universe” kind of world/setting.. not planetary body). The planet in Alien, LV-246, is in inhabitable, in Prometheus (set much much earlier) it isn’t. It’s not until Aliens, which is set 57 years after, where LV-246 is being terraformed.

            The xenomorph at the end of Prometheus is not the same as in Alien and Aliens either, its head is different.

            The space jockey ships can be spread around the universe, which in Aliens, looks like it crash landed on LV-246 anyway.

          • Enso says:

            Xenomorphs also reproduce through the use of hosts. They take on characteristics of their hosts so it’s logical to assume those are originals and those in Alien are descendants.

    • iucounu says:

      Well, in the crapfest that was Prometheus there’s the implication that the androids = Blade Runner’s replicants.

      • Earl-Grey says:

        What?
        But what about the white body fluids and the androids being slightly distinguishable from their human counterparts?
        White body fluids as in what about all the androids’ bodily fluids being white in the Aliens films.
        Not as in what about the androids’ white bodily fluids from pornographic fan fiction.
        As I recall Replicants are supposed to be indistinguishable from humans, except for under vigorous Voigh-Kampff testing.

        I should, perhaps, clarify that I have not seen Prometheus.

        • iucounu says:

          Yes, it doesn’t really add up, especially as Alien’s apparently supposed to be set later than Blade Runner. (Although perhaps they’d learn from their earlier problems and make androids easier to distinguish from humans than replicants were?) I think it’s mainly a bit of fan-service. “Why the hell not?”, Ridley was probably thinking.

          Don’t bother seeing Prometheus unless you’ve ever wondered what Alien would be like if literally every character were both an idiot and incredibly drunk.

        • Unaco says:

          See below, but it was an extra from the DVD/BluRay Prometheus release. It is actually about the difference between Tyrell’s Replicants, and Weyland’s Synthetics. They aren’t the same. Weyland sees the Replicants as Tyrell just trying to copy God, while his Synthetics are inventive, ingenious, innovative.

          • Earl-Grey says:

            Oooh…I see.
            Then maybe Ripley is really a replicant!
            And Rachael is Ripley’s “mum”!
            Now that’s fan service.

            I hope Ridley doesn’t read this.

        • SominiTheCommenter says:

          I had not seen Prometheus
          Good for you.

          • Kefren says:

            It’s disappointing, but worth seeing, if that makes sense. Spoilers: karldrinkwater.blogspot.com/2012/06/prometheus-film.html

      • Unaco says:

        No. There is no such implication. In the extras, there is the implication that Weyland used to work for Tyrell, but disagreed with Tyrell’s approach, and thus created the Weyland Robotics Division… producing Synthetics, using a different approach to the Replicants.

        It’s actually implied that they are NOT the same thing. It’s making a point of the difference between the two.

        • iucounu says:

          Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean to imply exactly the same thing, and thanks for the link. (I should have said replicants ≈ androids or something.)

    • dontnormally says:

      He has said before that they are to take place in the same universe, yes.

      Blade Runner on the ruined, sprawl-blighted waste that is Earth.
      Alien in the corporate-controlled, rugged frontier space.

    • DrScuttles says:


      Prometheus Easter egg hints at Blade Runner crossover.

      I for one can’t wait for Ridley Scott to burn another of his greats to the ground.

    • rustybroomhandle says:

      Hehe, have you ever heard of the Tommy Westphall hypothesis? If not, I’ll hand you over to Bob Chipman, who’ll explain it. It’s all connected!

      http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/the-big-picture/6074-Worlds-Within-Worlds

    • Unaco says:

      Peter Weyland used to work for the Tyrell Corporation, and was Eldon Tyrell’s protege type thing. It was a diary/journal entry or similar, written for the BluRay/DVD release Extras for Prometheus.

  4. DonDrapersAcidTrip says:

    It doesn’t seem that unbelievable that Alien is an offworld story in the blade runner universe. I could of swore Ridley Scott said as much in the 80s.

  5. darkChozo says:

    Hitman: Ablutions – the story of one brave janitor’s efforts to clean up after a series of brutal murders. Featuring heart-pounding action and an immersive epic storyline. Coming to 360, PS3, and PC spring 2013.

  6. AmateurScience says:

    Is it me or is 47′s head waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than it should be for the Jensen body model?

    And, if so, are Square charging 70p for a cut and shut 3D model that someone put together in an afternoon?

    Have we come full circle back to horse armour again?

    Hold me.

    • tobecooper says:

      I’ll give you an arm to cry on, but watch out cuz it’s got elbow swords in it.

    • Baines says:

      It has tiny arms and tiny legs, which make it look worse than it would otherwise.

      At first, I wondered why Uncle Fester had tiny arms, until I realized it was supposed to be Agent 47.

  7. Seniath says:

    What a shame.

  8. Low Life says:

    It’s funny because 47′s vision is (in Absolution) already augmented.

  9. Earl-Grey says:

    I spill my drink!

  10. Dowson says:

    I can’t wait for the Agent 47 DLC in Thief 4.

  11. Squirrelfanatic says:

    My disappointment is augmented.

    • Brise Bonbons says:

      That was a fine job there, sir, thanks for the laughs.

  12. Pryde says:

    Whether it’s Jensen “wearing” 47, or 47 “wearing” Jensen… no backing from gay themes now, you damn c*nt-eyed publisher. Where are my tentacles now? If you japs want to ruin it all – go all the way down, I dare you! x)

    • jrodman says:

      I think they would make a rather awkward couple.

      And perhaps an equally awkward coupling.

      As much as I enjoy the multiple male porn, this sounds rather grotesque.

  13. olemars says:

    Agent 47 looks embarrassed to be seen in that outfit. And 47 has worn a lot of crazy shit.

    • Sarkhan Lol says:

      I had no idea that was supposed to be Adam “No Genitalia” Jensen.

      It looks like a post-chemotherapy Alice Cooper doing an edgy remake of ice Pirates.

      • Sarkhan Lol says:

        *looks at picture* *turns green* I need to use the bath room!

  14. Morlock says:

    The “Adam Jensen disguise”? In case his target surrounded himself with Adam Jensens?

    • Morlock says:

      So the best way to assassinate the Queen of the Commonwealth is to dress up as a South American macumba-priest?

      • Jackablade says:

        To be fair, 47 flouncing about dressed as the queen might arrouse some suspicions.

  15. Faren22 says:

    His head is so big and shiny I half expect to see him in some kind of shooting gallery.

  16. KevinLew says:

    Square Enix is probably furious that Agent 47 doesn’t wear a hat normally, and now they can’t exploit that avenue of DLC.

  17. jezcentral says:

    How can you get Hitman DLC wrong? Give us some mission packs, not this dross.

    • MrLebanon says:

      Yes please!
      I actually really enjoy contracts mode and feel it needs loads of new maps

      What i certainly don’t need is an “Adam Jensen” disguise… and if you’re going to give me an Adam Jensen disguise… at least give me a cool beard

  18. Uthred says:

    This DLC has been out since the 20/11, rather odd to report on it now.

    • Sarkhan Lol says:

      They were probably using that time to confirm five or six times that this was actually a real thing and not a sick practical joke.

    • Hahaha says:

      Slow news day plus a need to get some page views from people raging in the comments.

    • Kadayi says:

      Slow day in the RPS office obviously, that this completely optional clothing DLC constitutes ‘news’ still any reason to people an excuse to ‘hate’ (read: find a reason to pirate) HM:A it seems.

  19. cjlr says:

    Down with this sort of thing.

  20. sinister agent says:

    This is the kind of thing that only gets suggested in a sensible office nanoseconds before everyone else lines up to punch you in the mouth for it.

    • Low Life says:

      The concept itself (i.e. a random game reference costume) is the kind of thing that gets added as an easter egg on a long Thursday evening, and is in a way kind of awesome.

      Selling that same costume is ridiculous and makes Squenix (this HAS to come from them..) lose a lot of respect in my eyes.

      • darkChozo says:

        It’s rather odd, actually; Squenix has done cross-promotional stuff like this before but it’s been more a “you get this if you’ve played the game”-type deal. Sleeping Dogs had a JC2 Rico skin if you had JC2, not if you had money and a questionable sense of value.

  21. Artista says:

    If Christopher Nolan made a Robin movie…

  22. Phantoon says:

    I don’t get it. What does this have to do with a penguin?

  23. mehteh says:

    bad console focus game receives bad DLC. what a surprise…

  24. SuperNashwanPower says:

    If this was a mod on steam you would instantly click past it whilst tutting

  25. pakoito says:

    My embarrassment is augmented.

  26. Gap Gen says:

    By Gunther I hope you mean the penguin from Adventure Time.

    • Dilapinated says:

      I will not be satisfied until there is a mod to replace all of 47′s dialogue with WAAK WAAK WAAK.

    • Shadowcat says:

      Gunther was killed today. Can’t let myself think about it.

  27. fallingmagpie says:

    I finished replaying Blood Money last week. It was excellent, and looked absolutely nothing like that video. Well, except for Requiem where it’s obligatory to SHOOT ALL OF THE MEN.

  28. MrUnimport says:

    The real indignity is the suggestion that Adam Jensen’s outfit provides any degree of bullet resistance at all. If it did, I’d have liked to have seen it in DX3.

  29. QualityJeverage says:

    This DLC (Along with a few other outfits and weapons) have been available since release. But I’ve seen it reported on a few sites today, did they just today suddenly start marketing it to you guys or what?

    I’m not so much trying to should “old news!” as figure out why today everyone seems to be aware of it suddenly.

    • HadToLogin says:

      I THINK it’s trailer that just was released, and all “reporters” proved how good they are and instead following the trail of bullets, just wrote “new DLC because new video”, quite often followed by “let’s try to be witty and say Hitman sux”.

    • KenTWOu says:

      Agree with that.It seems RPS is jumping on the hate wagon.

  30. Lukaspz says:

    Almost better than the 47 DLC in Sleeping Dogs…

  31. Jahkaivah says:

    “The DXHR togs do make 47 look a bit like Gunther, mind.”

    They make me think of Sergeant Cortez from Timesplitters.

  32. Safilpope says:

    Wow, I thought Agent 47 had been assimilated by the Borg at first. I should read the article before coming to conclusions – However if they owned the rights to Star Trek, who knows? They’d probably do it

  33. Danda says:

    But can you power-punch a breakdancer with this?

  34. rocketman71 says:

    to unite the Blade Runner and Alien universes then this is no less silly

    Thank you SO MUCH for the spoiler.

    Some of us haven’t seen the movie yet, you know?. This is not the fucking Sixth Sense we’re talking here, it’s still a recent one.

    • MacTheGeek says:

      Prometheus was released almost six months ago. It’s already available on DVD. Whatever the statute of limitations is for spoiler tags, it’s either run out or is close enough to make no real difference.

      Of course, all media can’t be timed equally. For example, if I tried to talk about what happens to Jon Snow at the end of A Dance With Dragons, I’d probably meet with a bloo– ::gurk ::

  35. Nihil says:

    Is there a reason people all over the internets constantly quote the first line of the E3 trailer ‘I never asked for this’ as ‘I didn’t ask for this’? Pedantic yes, but I’m curious.

  36. fugo says:

    “Now everyone will see why I needed a skull-gun”.