You Simulator: Pro Gamer

By Alec Meer on December 4th, 2012 at 6:00 pm.

At least I'm not fat! Yet.

Do you want to earn money from playing videogames, but haven’t yet been able to arrange sponsorship by a manufacturer of processed corn snacks? Now you can, from the comfort of your own home! All you need is a stool, a television and the willingness to not move for hours at a time!

Free browser game Pro Gamer: The Game is the life you’ve always dreamed of!

It’s a game about gaming, and picked up a prize at the recent Brazilian International Games Festival. You play as a fat guy who sits in his spartan, lonely aparatment, playing an assortment of Atari-era classics and what appears to be Canabalt. Up, down, left, right and space control the tiny green-screen action, whose sprites are a whole lot more mobile than the corpulent player is.

The more times he wins, the more money he earns. This money can only be spent on upgrades to his gaming setup – or ‘battlestation’, as it’s referred to with arch-snark. He plays so that he can earn so that he can play. It’s absurd. It’s horrible.

Obviously I can’t stop playing it. I need that better chair, that bigger TV, that fast food, that Mario cap. I am spurred on – PUMPED – by the ridiculous you-go-hero soundtrack. I must play more!

So I am that man, sat there on his chair, playing playing playing playing at the expense of everything else in life. Indeed, most of the disposable income I earn from writing about videogames for a living is spent on devices that can play videogames.

I’m just going to pop out for a walk now. Hope you don’t mind.

, .

42 Comments »

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  1. rustybroomhandle says:

    I’m reminded of Lazy Jones. Anyone remember that?

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      AmateurScience says:

      I fucking loved that game. Loved it.

      • karengossage6 says:

        Addison. I can see what your saying… Lawrence`s artlclee is really cool, on friday I bought a great McLaren F1 when I got my check for $5758 this past 5 weeks and-in excess of, ten thousand last-month. it’s by-far the most-financialy rewarding I’ve ever had. I actually started 3 months ago and right away was making at least $82 per hour. I work through this website..www.Google.Mel7.com

        • kansdmwb says:

          Bluetooth Keyboard Case for iPhone5-Ultra-thin Slide-out Wireless Keyboard for iPhone 5! I gave my 12-year-old children gifts at Christmas! We think that how? I’m like, I hope that my children like! Really great! http://800wx.com/a9

        • Groove says:

          Oh karengossage6, why don’t you use a hyperlink? Do you really expect your target audience to copy the link into the address bar? They don’t even know where the address bar is.

          Take a lesson from kansdmwb, he knows what’s up. Bluetooth keyboard case for my iphone 5? Yes please kansdmwb!

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      Hodge says:

      Hear, hear! A true pioneer of meta-gaming. The context sensitive music was brilliant for the time.

      Also, whenever he found the empty cupboard I used to pretend he was doing a wee.

      • yhalothar says:

        Ha, glad to know I’m not the only one. I think it was because of the glitchy, “tinkly” sound effect that played when you got into the cupboard.

    • Bhazor says:

      “The bar works like a video game, but the bed, the cleaning closet and the toilet are useless decorations”

  2. lordcooper says:

    Sit the fuck back down and play your games.

  3. sinister agent says:

    Oh well. RPS was fun while it lasted. Bye, everyone!

    • Slinkyboy says:

      Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    • LionsPhil says:

      If there’s to be a gaming site about sensible gaming in moderation without obsessively pouring hundreds of hours into become “pro” or exploring every hectare of an unnecessarily vast virtual world for Magical Dongo-dongo Weeds, RPS seems well-positioned to be it, especially with all its writers being grown-ups with mortgages and concerns about pension plans.

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        X_kot says:

        RIP Crispy Gamer

      • Hahaha says:

        it’s funny cause it’s highly likely to be true.

      • Lone Gunman says:

        because we all know the meaning of life is shifting money around for mortgages and pensions plans

        • mouton says:

          It is not polite to shatter people’s illusions, though

        • Groove says:

          My morgage is 2/3rds of my previous rent cost, for about 4 times the floor space (plus gardens, parking, general area that isn’t depressing). It’s kinda convenient compared to renting honestly.

      • I Got Pineapples says:

        Anyone talking about emergent game play is pretty squarely in the realm of ‘Well, I could go to the bathroom….Or I could wear one of these fine adult diapers.’

  4. Phantoon says:

    Now we just need a game where you play as a games journo writing about a game in which you play games for a living where there’s a game on the screen you also have to play during this.

  5. I Got Pineapples says:

    Well, that has certainly blown my mind and caused me to take a hard look at myself was not at all kind of trite in a way a high school art student trying to be daring would be ashamed of.

    That said, I did have fun.

  6. SominiTheCommenter says:

    “Mountain Dude, helps soul dead journalist promote your game”
    TOPICALFACE

  7. Premium User Badge

    X_kot says:

    “He plays so that he can earn so that he can play.”

    Isn’t that how work…er, works? I get that this is metacommentary, but the successful competitive gamers can earn a living on this (similar to pro poker players). There’s enough of a market to support it, although hopefully the game reflects that only a small percentage of people can “make it big.”

  8. apocraphyn says:

    “that Mario cap”

    I don’t think so, Tim. It’s called a “Fresh Cap”.

    In West California, born and raised-

    • Phantoon says:

      Sorry, this has gotten out of hand, and it’s just too silly.

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      JiminyJickers says:

      On the beach(?) is where I spent most of my days…

      • lordcooper says:

        Oh come on, how hard would it have been to open a new tab to look that up?

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        Qwallath says:

        Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, all cool, just surfin’ some waves outside of the school…

      • Milky1985 says:

        Sounds to me like there are some people here who are up to no good.

        Just don’t cause any issues in the neighborhood!

  9. Bhazor says:

    For a game jam game it’s pretty amazing.

  10. rapchee says:

    i’ll be hanging around in the park

  11. Drake Sigar says:

    This reminds me of Mario Party – multiple games and you always get the same three, which are also the longest.

  12. The First Door says:

    I really wish they’d say what the different items are supposed to do, it took me ages before I worked out the use for food. What does upgrading your TV actually do? (And in the game to both of those)

    • belgand says:

      What does the food do?

      I particularly wish there were instructions for the games. I failed out of a bunch of them before I figured out what the controls were. I don’t want to simulate being a gamer who doesn’t read the manual.

      Now, where’s my Sim Civilization!?

      • mazzratazz says:

        I *think* the food gives you “lives” which allow you to fail at a game without losing your combo counter thing.

        I only bought the first tv (the game wasn’t exactly stuffed with variety to compel me to continue playing), and the only thing that did was give me a slightly bigger screen. Which is handy because you don’t have to strain your eyes quite so much when playing the games.

    • Eukatheude says:

      The food gives you “lives” which let you keep your combo even if you fail at a game. The TVs multiply the money you get from winning, and the chairs let you play (chain combos) for longer. I played 40 minutes of this, damn me.

  13. Jraptor59 says:

    Do they include giant fart clouds that you must sit there and inhale, to avoid stopping playing? You should also slowly get oozing sores from not bathing to avoid interrupting your gaming session. Included, with the game, should also be some adult sized diapers, easily changed and thrown into a pile of rotting garbage, during loading screens. You should also have a “dedicated Mom” to wipe and dipe you (and maybe sprinkle on a little baby powder) and blend giant milkshakes for you to eat, to keep you fed.

  14. SuicideKing says:

    GAMECEPTION!

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    jrodman says:

    Too bad it’s awful.