Aliens: Colonial Marines Trailer Heavy On The “Colon”

By John Walker on January 24th, 2013 at 6:00 pm.

Ahem.

The latest trailer for Aliens: Colonial Marines has the worst – and I mean the worst – voiceover script I have ever heard. So bad, and so badly delivered, I cannot help myself but transcribe it in its entirety, and present it to you in the form of poetry.

Listen up marines
Rhino-Two-Three ran into a shitstorm
aboard the USS Sulaco
Now we gotta pull them out of the fire
We don’t leave marines behind

Now
anybody in their right mind
would hop the next transport home

But you’re not in your right mind
You’re in the corps
So here’s what you’re going to do

First
If it moves
Kill it

If it’s not moving
Kill it again

Second
You’ve each got more fire power
than an army platoon
So use it
All of
it

Third
You don’t die
Unless I give you a direct order

And remember
We’re not just fighting
for the human race

We’re fighting for the title of baddest motherfuckers in the galaxy.
That’s a battle I intend
to win

*click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*

Edit:

Oh, this is brill. The writer of the game, Mikey Neumann, has disowned this trailer, and promised that the dialogue is not from the game!

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161 Comments »

  1. ukpanik says:

    Hope the aliens win.

  2. Sunjammer says:

    Ooof. If this game turns out to be great I’ll eat my hat. I’ve seen spongebob squarepants episodes with more dramatic flair and tension than this.

  3. goettel says:

    Mostly just as bad as Prometheus.

    Mostly.

  4. UberWaz says:

    I’ll probably have to pull this when Fox see it, but I removed the dialogue and stuck the original Aliens music over the top.

    See for yourself.

    It’s the game I always wanted to play.

    • LJFHutch says:

      Now look what you’ve gone and done; I want to play it after seeing that!

  5. Melf_Himself says:

    I… didn’t actually find this dialogue (as *transcribed*, did not hear it voiced) over the top at all, *except* for the last bit about being baddest mofo’s in the galaxy.

    The rest was fine.

  6. P.Funk says:

    Thing is I’m willing to bet that Gearbox is more pissed off than anybody, hopefully. I’m hoping this is some unilateral bullshit the publisher pulled… hopefully. How else can the writer disown it without losing his job?

  7. Zarunil says:

    Painfully bad.

  8. Chaz says:

    Gentlemen, we have a situation.

  9. DaftPunk says:

    Overall trailer is good but that soldier speech was horrible :D

  10. writerryan says:

    It sounds like it was written by the Bro Team guys: http://youtu.be/JsDrGgDOtj8

  11. Enkinan says:

    That article title made me laugh pretty hard. The trailer made me cry pretty hard.

  12. aDemandingPersona says:

    I really wont mind if the game opens like this if the guy got killed off in the first 5 minutes. Marines were pretty macho in the beginning of Aliens if I remember correctly, and the aliens put them in their place.