By John Walker on February 7th, 2013 at 1:00 pm.
With yesterday’s news that Valve and J.J Abrams are working on a potential Portal movie, RPS immediately sent its spies into action. Infiltrating Valve HQ, we managed to steal three pages of script before the turrets woke up.
Oh, and while they were there, they grabbed this page of the Half-Life movie.
07/02/2013 at 13:03 DrAmateurScience says:
Very droll. Bravo!
07/02/2013 at 14:20 Vicki_Garland says:
my buddy’s mother-in-law makes $85/hr on the laptop. She has been laid off for 8 months but last month her pay check was $17494 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Read more on this web site… http://www.newyorker.com.qr.net/j8b7
07/02/2013 at 20:51 goettel says:
Writing faux scripts ?
07/02/2013 at 13:04 FrostySprite says:
Twelve Oscars.
07/02/2013 at 13:07 McDan says:
Curses, you pipped me to the post good sir. Damn this computer making me log in yet again.
You win this time.
Half-life script penned for main character development award.
07/02/2013 at 13:20 BarneyL says:
Reads more like seven Oscars to me.
07/02/2013 at 22:04 Xardas Kane says:
6 Oscars and a goat.
08/02/2013 at 10:22 Safilpope says:
2 Oscars and a partridge in a pear tree
07/02/2013 at 13:21 DirtGunfrey says:
I’ve decided to fight WITH the test subject metaphor AGAINST the robot overlord metaphor.
07/02/2013 at 13:04 Meat Circus says:
Tilda Swinton for Weighted Companion Cube.
Danny Dyer for Gordon Freeman.
Jack Black as the funny monkey.
07/02/2013 at 13:09 Patches the Hyena says:
Ray Winstone for Cave Johnson.
07/02/2013 at 13:12 Meat Circus says:
Cave: “Use the fackin’ portal gahn.”
Scientist: “Which fackin’ portal gahn?”
Cave: “THIS fackin’ portal gahn!”
[Cave smashes scientist in the face with the a portal gun.]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jt4RtXJGAg
07/02/2013 at 13:15 Surlywombat says:
Can’t we have J.K. Simmons?
07/02/2013 at 14:02 Mario Figueiredo says:
Hmm… tough. He’s too old for a J.J. Abrams movie. I mean, c’mon you have to agree there’s no room for these people except in support roles. Wait… he can only be a contender for a support role in the Academy Awards though. So maybe yes.
But I’m against it, just so you know. Too old.
07/02/2013 at 16:39 Muzman says:
Are you serious?
07/02/2013 at 13:10 GameCat says:
Morgan Freeman (with make-up) as Gordon Freeman, or no Oscars at all.
07/02/2013 at 13:15 Meat Circus says:
Come now, Half Life already has a Magical Negro role just begging for some Morgan Freeman.
07/02/2013 at 13:52 GameCat says:
Oh, snap. Forgot about Eli. Nevermind.
So maybe… Martin Freeman as Gordon Freeman.
Yes!
07/02/2013 at 16:41 Kasper says:
No, no! Morgan Freeman (with makeup) as Gordan Freeman. Morgan Freeman (sans makeup) as Eli. Wins both male oscars.
07/02/2013 at 15:23 Scare Tactics says:
Morgan Freeman can’t play Eli as Eli dies.
07/02/2013 at 16:18 spindaden says:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
07/02/2013 at 16:57 GameCat says:
So, Eli Wallach (Tuco from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly) as Eli then?
07/02/2013 at 18:53 ma9nifico says:
Nah, everyone known Hugh Laurie is Gordon Freeman. As evident by this picture: http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/write.ign.com/69618/2011/08/LOOKALIKE-7.jpg
07/02/2013 at 20:55 Syros says:
The real deal:
http://jond7.deviantart.com/art/Half-Life-Gordon-Freeman-291924768
07/02/2013 at 13:06 Cameron says:
You’re thinking with chortles. (Havin’ a laugh, gov)
07/02/2013 at 13:09 Gap Gen says:
Making people glad(OS)
07/02/2013 at 13:11 Bhazor says:
This is a better idea
http://xkcd.com/311/
07/02/2013 at 16:52 stiffkittin says:
YUSSSSS!
07/02/2013 at 22:06 Xardas Kane says:
Shiny, cap’n!
08/02/2013 at 01:01 wireless says:
A’okay!
07/02/2013 at 13:11 gschmidl says:
No lens flares? This is totally fake.
07/02/2013 at 13:16 Vfall says:
I guess this is the kind of quality journalism that this was made for:
http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/157536
07/02/2013 at 13:31 Lacessit says:
Wow. Downloaded all of 74 times. A true people’s movement.
07/02/2013 at 13:39 Low Life says:
Well, it can apparently be easily modified to filter posts by any other person, so I’d guess even a few of those are modified to filter Porpentine’s posts because the games she mentions sometimes have homosexual characters.
07/02/2013 at 13:33 Meat Circus says:
John’s ability to root out idiots is his Superpower. It is a good one.
07/02/2013 at 13:41 rustybroomhandle says:
Isn’t it easier to just not read them? Articles are clearly marked with the author’s name.
07/02/2013 at 13:50 Llewyn says:
But how are you then supposed to assert your superiority in the comments thread?
07/02/2013 at 13:52 Sheng-ji says:
Clearly, someone is trying to make a point. What they hope to achieve is anyones guess.
07/02/2013 at 13:47 McDan says:
Genuinely flabbergasted that someone has done this.
07/02/2013 at 13:52 Jams O'Donnell says:
Yes, because creativity and industry commentary is not at all wanted. Only the news, please!
Good grief.
07/02/2013 at 14:03 apocraphyn says:
Heh. Well, this is funnier than the article, I’ll give you that.
07/02/2013 at 14:22 Mario Figueiredo says:
LOL! I’m still laughing about it. You got to. I mean I was totally caught by surprise. Wasn’t understanding what was this all about until I reached the line explaining the default setting. But even if you weren’t caught with your pants down like I was, and didn’t burst in laughter, taking this shite seriously is not the way it should be.
I know little of the man, but I could almost bet John’s bursting his ass laughing at it.
07/02/2013 at 14:20 Eddy9000 says:
Wow Vfall, what a petty, nasty little comment to write. Really pathetic. Why don’t you do the RPS community a favour and not post comments on here again?
07/02/2013 at 14:27 Lord Custard Smingleigh says:
Does that mean we can look forward to no further comments on Walker articles from you, and people like you?
In that case, I whole-heartedly endorse this script.
07/02/2013 at 14:36 Mario Figueiredo says:
Ugh! You too? Stay right there while I go find someone to strip you of your title.
(Bunch of grumpy tightasses. Instead of laughing at the clown…)
08/02/2013 at 01:19 Stochastic says:
I think you misread Lord Custard Smingleigh’s comment. Unless I’m misreading your comment.
07/02/2013 at 22:40 Cuddlefish says:
Yeah, on reflection I’m really having trouble seeing a downside here. Can we edit it to filter for ‘nice things’?
07/02/2013 at 15:33 mondomau says:
Good grief. Just don’t read them you idiot.
07/02/2013 at 13:17 Joannes says:
Here’s my equally ludicrous take: http://playthroughline.com/scripts/portal/
07/02/2013 at 13:52 Mario Figueiredo says:
Oh LOL! That was brilliant Joannes. Thanks. :)
If anyone reading it doesn’t know if they should be laughing or taking mental notes. The answer is, of course, both.
07/02/2013 at 21:48 Esteis says:
That was excellent. Now reading your Mass Effect 3 script, which is equally good. People reading this: go read Joannes’ script, you’ll not regret it.
07/02/2013 at 13:31 Low Life says:
Those elevator scenes really capture how I felt playing the game.
07/02/2013 at 13:39 Mario Figueiredo says:
Ah! Loved it!
Look at all the subliminal messages in the script for Portal. Down to the word “Loading” in all its wide range of meanings (the smartest of us realizing even its sexual innuendo). This is perfect for the likes of J.J. Abrams, a director we have come to know to so masterfully capture on screen the satire, double meaning and social critic we came to love about this game.
And Gordon… omg! So much to say about Gordon!
Edit: Actually I reread the Gordon script (you only know after you reread that script. Go read it again). I changed my mind. This is where I say that Half-Life isn’t a movie for the likes of J. J. Abrams. Gordon is too shallow. He lacks any kind of personality. I hope they give the Half Life script to someone less skilled than him. I wouldn’t want to see the master’s image blemished by this one.
07/02/2013 at 17:42 LennyLeonardo says:
Lacks a personality?! He has a beard and glasses. How much more personality do you want? Jeez, some people.
07/02/2013 at 13:47 Jams O'Donnell says:
IF Portal is a thing they might do and IF Cave Johnson is going to be in it it absolutely 100% has to be JK Simmons. If not, I will storm out of the theatre in disgust!
07/02/2013 at 13:53 LukeNukem says:
If you feel that strongly about it I would find out who was playing him before buying your ticket, unless you have money to burn/want to contribute but not watch it.
07/02/2013 at 14:17 Jams O'Donnell says:
I will buy a ticket specifically to give me the opportunity to walk out in a huff!
07/02/2013 at 14:15 Bob says:
While I totally agree with the sentiment of your comment LukeNukem has a good point.
Perhaps in the Half Life movie they could have Gordon with some kind of throat wound à la Heston in Planet of the Apes. I can’t think of anything he’d say if he regained the ability to speak though.
07/02/2013 at 17:39 LennyLeonardo says:
I agree. I nearly boycotted the entire movie industry when he wasn’t even NOMINATED for an Oscar for his portrayal of JJ in Spiderman. Absolutely disgusting.
Hold on a minute…….. JJ…. JJ Abrams….. coincidence?
07/02/2013 at 14:35 Lord Custard Smingleigh says:
I, for one, would like an hilarious alien-monkey assistant.
07/02/2013 at 15:01 Llewyn says:
There are plenty with commenting accounts on RPS, I’m sure no-one would mind if you ‘borrowed’ one or two.
07/02/2013 at 15:24 jalf says:
huh, reply function is wonky… Yay
07/02/2013 at 16:22 SuicideKing says:
7/10.
07/02/2013 at 16:29 Totally heterosexual says:
Not reading. Portal is my favorite game and if any movie is made it better not be bad.
07/02/2013 at 16:55 Eddy9000 says:
Hmm, you probably should read it…
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07/02/2013 at 22:11 Xardas Kane says:
SPOILER ALERT!
Gordon is the monkey assistant.
09/02/2013 at 20:32 nemryn says:
Uh, you’ve got a ‘jj-abrams’ tag and a ‘j-j-abrams’ one, you might want to fix that.