J.J. Abrams’ Portal Script Leak Probably!

By John Walker on February 7th, 2013 at 1:00 pm.

With yesterday’s news that Valve and J.J Abrams are working on a potential Portal movie, RPS immediately sent its spies into action. Infiltrating Valve HQ, we managed to steal three pages of script before the turrets woke up.

Oh, and while they were there, they grabbed this page of the Half-Life movie.

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68 Comments »

  1. Premium User Badge

    DrAmateurScience says:

    Very droll. Bravo!

  2. FrostySprite says:

    Twelve Oscars.

    • McDan says:

      Curses, you pipped me to the post good sir. Damn this computer making me log in yet again.
      You win this time.
      Half-life script penned for main character development award.

    • BarneyL says:

      Reads more like seven Oscars to me.

    • DirtGunfrey says:

      I’ve decided to fight WITH the test subject metaphor AGAINST the robot overlord metaphor.

  3. Meat Circus says:

    Tilda Swinton for Weighted Companion Cube.

    Danny Dyer for Gordon Freeman.

    Jack Black as the funny monkey.

  4. Cameron says:

    You’re thinking with chortles. (Havin’ a laugh, gov)

  5. Bhazor says:

    This is a better idea
    http://xkcd.com/311/

  6. gschmidl says:

    No lens flares? This is totally fake.

  7. Vfall says:

    I guess this is the kind of quality journalism that this was made for:

    http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/157536

    • Lacessit says:

      Wow. Downloaded all of 74 times. A true people’s movement.

      • Low Life says:

        Well, it can apparently be easily modified to filter posts by any other person, so I’d guess even a few of those are modified to filter Porpentine’s posts because the games she mentions sometimes have homosexual characters.

    • Meat Circus says:

      John’s ability to root out idiots is his Superpower. It is a good one.

    • rustybroomhandle says:

      Isn’t it easier to just not read them? Articles are clearly marked with the author’s name.

      • Premium User Badge

        Llewyn says:

        But how are you then supposed to assert your superiority in the comments thread?

      • Sheng-ji says:

        Clearly, someone is trying to make a point. What they hope to achieve is anyones guess.

    • McDan says:

      Genuinely flabbergasted that someone has done this.

    • Jams O'Donnell says:

      Yes, because creativity and industry commentary is not at all wanted. Only the news, please!

      Good grief.

    • apocraphyn says:

      Heh. Well, this is funnier than the article, I’ll give you that.

      • Mario Figueiredo says:

        LOL! I’m still laughing about it. You got to. I mean I was totally caught by surprise. Wasn’t understanding what was this all about until I reached the line explaining the default setting. But even if you weren’t caught with your pants down like I was, and didn’t burst in laughter, taking this shite seriously is not the way it should be.

        I know little of the man, but I could almost bet John’s bursting his ass laughing at it.

    • Eddy9000 says:

      Wow Vfall, what a petty, nasty little comment to write. Really pathetic. Why don’t you do the RPS community a favour and not post comments on here again?

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      Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      Does that mean we can look forward to no further comments on Walker articles from you, and people like you?

      In that case, I whole-heartedly endorse this script.

      • Mario Figueiredo says:

        Ugh! You too? Stay right there while I go find someone to strip you of your title.

        (Bunch of grumpy tightasses. Instead of laughing at the clown…)

        • Stochastic says:

          I think you misread Lord Custard Smingleigh’s comment. Unless I’m misreading your comment.

      • Cuddlefish says:

        Yeah, on reflection I’m really having trouble seeing a downside here. Can we edit it to filter for ‘nice things’?

    • mondomau says:

      Good grief. Just don’t read them you idiot.

  8. Joannes says:

    Here’s my equally ludicrous take: http://playthroughline.com/scripts/portal/

    • Mario Figueiredo says:

      Oh LOL! That was brilliant Joannes. Thanks. :)
      If anyone reading it doesn’t know if they should be laughing or taking mental notes. The answer is, of course, both.

    • Esteis says:

      That was excellent. Now reading your Mass Effect 3 script, which is equally good. People reading this: go read Joannes’ script, you’ll not regret it.

  9. Low Life says:

    Those elevator scenes really capture how I felt playing the game.

  10. Mario Figueiredo says:

    Ah! Loved it!

    Look at all the subliminal messages in the script for Portal. Down to the word “Loading” in all its wide range of meanings (the smartest of us realizing even its sexual innuendo). This is perfect for the likes of J.J. Abrams, a director we have come to know to so masterfully capture on screen the satire, double meaning and social critic we came to love about this game.

    And Gordon… omg! So much to say about Gordon!

    Edit: Actually I reread the Gordon script (you only know after you reread that script. Go read it again). I changed my mind. This is where I say that Half-Life isn’t a movie for the likes of J. J. Abrams. Gordon is too shallow. He lacks any kind of personality. I hope they give the Half Life script to someone less skilled than him. I wouldn’t want to see the master’s image blemished by this one.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      Lacks a personality?! He has a beard and glasses. How much more personality do you want? Jeez, some people.

  11. Jams O'Donnell says:

    IF Portal is a thing they might do and IF Cave Johnson is going to be in it it absolutely 100% has to be JK Simmons. If not, I will storm out of the theatre in disgust!

    • LukeNukem says:

      If you feel that strongly about it I would find out who was playing him before buying your ticket, unless you have money to burn/want to contribute but not watch it.

      • Jams O'Donnell says:

        I will buy a ticket specifically to give me the opportunity to walk out in a huff!

    • Bob says:

      While I totally agree with the sentiment of your comment LukeNukem has a good point.

      Perhaps in the Half Life movie they could have Gordon with some kind of throat wound à la Heston in Planet of the Apes. I can’t think of anything he’d say if he regained the ability to speak though.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      I agree. I nearly boycotted the entire movie industry when he wasn’t even NOMINATED for an Oscar for his portrayal of JJ in Spiderman. Absolutely disgusting.

      Hold on a minute…….. JJ…. JJ Abrams….. coincidence?

  12. Premium User Badge

    Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    I, for one, would like an hilarious alien-monkey assistant.

    • Premium User Badge

      Llewyn says:

      There are plenty with commenting accounts on RPS, I’m sure no-one would mind if you ‘borrowed’ one or two.

  13. jalf says:

    huh, reply function is wonky… Yay

  14. SuicideKing says:

    7/10.

  15. Totally heterosexual says:

    Not reading. Portal is my favorite game and if any movie is made it better not be bad.

  16. osragati says:

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  17. Xardas Kane says:

    SPOILER ALERT!

    Gordon is the monkey assistant.

  18. nemryn says:

    Uh, you’ve got a ‘jj-abrams’ tag and a ‘j-j-abrams’ one, you might want to fix that.