J.J. Abrams’ Portal Script Leak Probably!

By John Walker on February 7th, 2013 at 1:00 pm.

With yesterday’s news that Valve and J.J Abrams are working on a potential Portal movie, RPS immediately sent its spies into action. Infiltrating Valve HQ, we managed to steal three pages of script before the turrets woke up.

Oh, and while they were there, they grabbed this page of the Half-Life movie.


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  1. FrostySprite says:

    Twelve Oscars.

  2. Meat Circus says:

    Tilda Swinton for Weighted Companion Cube.

    Danny Dyer for Gordon Freeman.

    Jack Black as the funny monkey.

  3. Cameron says:

    You’re thinking with chortles. (Havin’ a laugh, gov)

  4. gschmidl says:

    No lens flares? This is totally fake.

  5. Vfall says:

    I guess this is the kind of quality journalism that this was made for:


    • Mario Figueiredo says:

      Oh LOL! That was brilliant Joannes. Thanks. :)
      If anyone reading it doesn’t know if they should be laughing or taking mental notes. The answer is, of course, both.

    • Esteis says:

      That was excellent. Now reading your Mass Effect 3 script, which is equally good. People reading this: go read Joannes’ script, you’ll not regret it.

  6. Low Life says:

    Those elevator scenes really capture how I felt playing the game.

  7. Mario Figueiredo says:

    Ah! Loved it!

    Look at all the subliminal messages in the script for Portal. Down to the word “Loading” in all its wide range of meanings (the smartest of us realizing even its sexual innuendo). This is perfect for the likes of J.J. Abrams, a director we have come to know to so masterfully capture on screen the satire, double meaning and social critic we came to love about this game.

    And Gordon… omg! So much to say about Gordon!

    Edit: Actually I reread the Gordon script (you only know after you reread that script. Go read it again). I changed my mind. This is where I say that Half-Life isn’t a movie for the likes of J. J. Abrams. Gordon is too shallow. He lacks any kind of personality. I hope they give the Half Life script to someone less skilled than him. I wouldn’t want to see the master’s image blemished by this one.

  8. Jams O'Donnell says:

    IF Portal is a thing they might do and IF Cave Johnson is going to be in it it absolutely 100% has to be JK Simmons. If not, I will storm out of the theatre in disgust!

    • LukeNukem says:

      If you feel that strongly about it I would find out who was playing him before buying your ticket, unless you have money to burn/want to contribute but not watch it.

    • Bob says:

      While I totally agree with the sentiment of your comment LukeNukem has a good point.

      Perhaps in the Half Life movie they could have Gordon with some kind of throat wound Ă  la Heston in Planet of the Apes. I can’t think of anything he’d say if he regained the ability to speak though.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      I agree. I nearly boycotted the entire movie industry when he wasn’t even NOMINATED for an Oscar for his portrayal of JJ in Spiderman. Absolutely disgusting.

      Hold on a minute…….. JJ…. JJ Abrams….. coincidence?

  9. Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    I, for one, would like an hilarious alien-monkey assistant.

  10. jalf says:

    huh, reply function is wonky… Yay

  11. SuicideKing says:


  12. Totally heterosexual says:

    Not reading. Portal is my favorite game and if any movie is made it better not be bad.

  13. osragati says:

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  14. Xardas Kane says:


    Gordon is the monkey assistant.

  15. nemryn says:

    Uh, you’ve got a ‘jj-abrams’ tag and a ‘j-j-abrams’ one, you might want to fix that.

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