Star Trek Into Trailerness

By Alec Meer on February 12th, 2013 at 8:00 pm.

The JJ Abrams Star Trek movie was alright! So the sequel due out later this year, starring Benedict Cumberbund as maybe-Kahn or maybe Some Other Guy, will probably be alright too! I know, I know, another controversial opinion about consumer entertainment products, eh?

There will also be a Star Trek game, and that probably won’t be alright, because licensed games so rarely are. But it’s got Sylar’s face in it, and Vulcan nerve pinches, and some spaceship corridors that look a bit like The Normandy, so maybe I’ll be proven ULTRO-WRONG.

Here’s lots of noise, an inappropriate soundtrack, a bunch of lizardy things and a Vulcan nerve pinch takedown:

I watched that and I felt nothing. No negativity, no positivity: just numbness, a blank lack of response. But enough about my morphine habit.

Star Trek: The Game is developed by Digital Extremes and willl be out in late April, shortly before Star Trek Into Doncaster or whatever it’s called arrives in the box office. I wish they’d make an HD version of Star Trek: 25th Anniversary instead:

“You’ve retrieved a sample of berries.” Yeah, dawg.

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67 Comments »

  1. LordCiego says:

    Valve, you missed your chance.

  2. Taidan says:

    An appropriately Star-Wars-y trailer, given the tone of J.J. Abrams’ take on the license. (AKA. A remake of A New Hope with Star Trek window dressing.)

  3. db1331 says:

    Mass eTrek

  4. DrAmateurScience says:

    I do wish Star Trek hadn’t tumbled down the slippery slope of shooty shooty bang bang *grump*

  5. abandonhope says:

    I remember being so excited to play Star Trek: TNG: Future’s Past on SNES. I beat it in two days, decided I hated it, and returned it to Electronics Boutique for those reasons. They fucking hated me at that store. I don’t think I’ve played a Trek game since.

  6. benjamin says:

    I am not a merry man.

  7. Tom Servo says:

    Am I the only one who thought Abrams’ Star Trek movie was terrible?

    • SuperNashwanPower says:

      No

    • abandonhope says:

      Compared to the rest of the Trek movie franchise, I think it’s a much more watchable film. That doesn’t make it good Star Trek though.

      • Cinek says:

        Somehow I tend to agree. Star Trek has got a long history of pathetic movies that are sold in Tesco for 1$, and hardly ever deserved more than that.

    • Vinraith says:

      Not remotely. Abrams managed to take a group of characters I genuinely enjoy spending time with (no matter how farcical the plot they’re embroiled in, or how hammy the acting) and turn them into a group of characters I find painful. The whole thing just makes me sad.

    • Chris D says:

      If Harry Plinkett thinks it’s ok that’s good enough for me.

      (That’s not a short clip but if you have the time it’s well worth a look. I wouldn’t accept any pizza rolls though)

      • Bhazor says:

        It was a terrible Star Trek film, it was an acceptable pop corn film.

        • Kadayi says:

          Agreed. It’s just an action flick in Trek clothes with lots of gratuitous visual shout outs.

          • imralizal says:

            This. Sadly, it’s still more watchable (imho) than the TNG films. They were determined to make those into generic action adventure films too… they just failed at it completely. But then again I hear some people like First Contact. To each his own, but personally I could never get over how different movie Picard was from series Picard.

      • D3xter says:

        I remember watching that and I never really heard any arguments from him as to why it’s “good”, what I remember hearing was over an hour long of arguments as to why it sucks, why it isn’t a good Star Trek movie, why it doesn’t make any logical sense and why it is a dumbed down cash-in for brainless mass-market audiences that need everything spelt out for them (with rather fitting imagery being used throughout to that point).

    • derbefrier says:

      I thought it was pretty good. I have to admit I have never been a fan of the original series though, so that might explain it. I’m a huge TNG fan though and if they ever rebooted that series this way I would grab a pitchfork right along side the rest of the trekkies.

      • Bhazor says:

        Agreed, I like the original series but it was always incredibly camp with soap opera level acting and often very silly plots. Kirk was always an arsehole who couldn’t so seeing him portrayed by a young arsehole who can’t act wasn’t too big a stretch.

        Now if they did that to Picard? Then there’d be blood on my hands.

    • dmastri says:

      You know I absolutely hated it when I saw it, but I’ve warmed up to it just a little. It’s definitely better than the trashy TNG movies… what a disgrace they were. Abrams camera work is a real turn off though. I don’t understand this shift to shakey cams… you spend all this money crafting great special effects and then you don’t let me watch them. Transformers was very guilty of this – fuck if I knew what the hell was happening in any of those fight scenes.

      Really though the plot of the Trek reboot is probably the biggest problem. They captured some of the feel… the chemistry between characters felt pretty good, but the story was awful. And stupid.

  8. x1501 says:

    “The JJ Abrams Star Trek movie was alright!

    The hell it was! Even forgetting about the dumb plot (who needs good writing anyway), the horrible B actors alone made the movie completely insufferable in my view. I spent half the movie wanting to punch “Kirk” in his obnoxious talentless mug (particularly during the Kobayashi Maru apple-devouring scene), and another half almost expecting the inept serial killer from Heroes who played Spok to begin massacring the crew with a razor blade, all that while trying to calm myself from being constantly irritated by the ridiculous lens flare kaleidoscope seemingly directed at ADD-affected 12-year-olds. And that’s not mentioning the small fact that the tone and spirit of the movie were not in slightest way similar to anything from any of the Star Trek series. “Alright”? “Alright”?! I think not, sir!

    • Tuskin38 says:

      someone shit in your coffee this morning.

    • DK says:

      Hey guess what. You’re supposed to want to punch young Kirk. He’s an asshole. So was old Shatner Kirk. A womanizing moron with a hero complex who survives through the fact that his entire crew trained in the single best military academy in the galaxy.

      And Abrams got that part perfectly right. Every Starfleet Captain in Abrams Movie could have his own show and pull off the hero role, which is something that was supposed to be the case in original Trek, but never actually came across as such.

      • x1501 says:

        I’m not sure what to say here. If you believe that Shatner’s Kirk at the time of his creation was supposed to be an incompetent, moronic antihero, you are just utterly clueless.

    • AlienMind says:

      Well you’re wrong about Kirk, but you’re right about everyting else.
      And: I WANT MY ARCHER AND T’POL BACK

  9. Tei says:

    I like the movie where they timetravel and fish some whales. That was very fun.

  10. TheBuff1 says:

    I absolutely adored Star Trek: 25th Anniversary back in the day! Full speech by the entire cast in a point and click!! Amazing! Except the shit combat sections. I could never beat the last space battle…..

    • AlienMind says:

      Star Trek has concluded with S4E22 (“These Are the Voyages…”).. Paramount wouldn’t know what Star Trek is today if you showed them the “we the people” constitution scene or the “one can not blindly follow orders” picard scene. In fact, Abrams stated that he didn’t watch Star Trek, all trailers of the new game hint in this direction: We don’t give a crap about exploration and piece anymore, let’s explode.

  11. ruaidhri.k says:

    I’ve been watching star trek for nearly 30 years. I genuinely believe that people who diss on abrams version have never properly sat through TOS (Miri, The Alternative factor, all of season 3), the motionless picture, final frontier, nemesis, all of season one of TNG, the entirety of voyager, early DS9 and a good portion of pre Manny Coto enterprise.

    most trek is garbage. I’ve never said that before but its true. The reboot is a cut above most of it.

    edit : this game looks shit.

    • ulix says:

      Very true. Most Trek really is utter shit. Some of it is good, but not much.
      Especially TNG season 1, it’s just laughable how incredibly bad it is.

  12. -Spooky- says:

    KKHHHAAAAAAAAAAANNNN ! *nuff said*

  13. Rian Snuff says:

    The tailor itself is pretty crappy.. Don’t quite get the music they chose either. Ha.
    However the game from what I’ve seen so far looks fantastic.
    I’m a bit of a sucker for anything Trek no matter what, so I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.

    Coming from someone who’s watched everything Trek multiple times,
    I will gladly say I enjoyed the newest film, be it different.. That’s okay.
    They made it more average person friendly in my opinion.
    Which will only create enough public interest I hope to start pushing out a new series.

    And well.. At least this isn’t an F2P MMO… Heh.
    Theres no chance this could be worse than that.

  14. neolith says:

    Needs more lensflares.

  15. alms says:

    “You take the Klingon’s detached hand.”

    ROFL!

    I only watched the 25th anniversary gameplay video and totally ignored the trailer, make what you want of that.

  16. Ernesto says:

    I always cry a little when I see Mr Spock behaving like an action hero. Or any Starfleet officer for that matter…

  17. dmastri says:

    25th anniversary was amazing. Please tell me I’m not the only one here who spent a bunch of his parent’s money on the Interplay tip line to solve some of the more obscure puzzles. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

  18. ueberOne says:

    The whole debate about JJ’s take on Trek is totally misguided.
    most trek is garbage. I’ve never said that before but its true.
    Quite true and also what makes it so awesome!
    Rewatching JJ’s Trek again recently let me nearly accept it, under the pretext: ‘hey its ok, its alternate reality’…
    But JJ didn’t get the memo that in Trek there are phasers and disruptors, but no blasters!!!
    This alone totally ruins the movie(s) and any potential game for me! Trek is ”thheuffww’, not ‘pew pew’!!! God dammit!!! how on earth can one get something so elemental wrong!?!

  19. D3xter says:

    “The JJ Abrams Star Trek movie was alright!”
    No it wasn’t, it was an abomination…

    Here’s a lengthy explanation as to why: http://whatculture.com/film/15-blunders-that-ruined-j-j-abrams-star-trek-and-destroyed-the-franchise.php

  20. Deadly Sinner says:

    On another note, Digital Extremes’ Warframe is actually very fun to play. It’s like the Mass Effect 3 multiplayer except much better in every way. Slicing space marines in half has never been so much fun.

  21. Bart Stewart says:

    No analogy is perfect, but I’m tempted to suggest that Abrams’s Star Trek is to Original Trek as Deus Ex: Invisible War is to Deus Ex.

    • Harlander says:

      You mean “Not that bad in and of itself but looks utterly terrible when compared to one of the best games of all time”?

    • Bart Stewart says:

      That was one of the possible (NG) resonances I had in mind, yes.

      Another would be consolization (a shift from stories-with-meaning to simple action).

      Yet another might be “shinier graphics.”

      I only posted the original comment after that third possibility occurred to me….

  22. Iskariot says:

    A modern full 3d remake of Star Trek: 25th Anniversary with love for detail would be so cool. That game feels so trekkie.

  23. Vercinger says:

    That trailer made me mentally puke. It should be used in classes as an example of how to make your potential customers disinterested.

  24. SwobyJ says:

    Cover shooter madness!

    It’s also my least favorite element of Mass Effect.

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