Star Stable: The Horsey MMO For LADYGIRLS ONLY

By John Walker on February 14th, 2013 at 7:00 pm.

OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD Star Stable is like totally a thing! And you can have a horse, and be in the world, and… WAIT WHAT IS THIS?! You can only be a girl?! MISANDRY! THIS IS MISANDRY! FINALLY I AM EXPERIENCING WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE A SUFFRAGETTE.

It’s not like they just leave it at this gross act of sexism, either. They have to rub it in, too. “Every year hundreds of boys and girls from all over the world come to Jorvik to practice their riding at the island’s riding camps.” OH DO THEY? The boys do, do they? AND HOW DO THEY GET PAST YOUR FEMINAZI GUARDS?

This vile prejudice is deeply entwined in the game’s mythos, as well.

“The legend says that Jorvik once was a lifeless rock in the middle of a dark and cold ocean until the day a star fell from the sky. From the impact of the star emerged a girl on a horse, shining from within with a glowing light. Majestically she rode across the surface of the ocean and her presence calmed the rough waters.. In her right hand she held a shining candle. The girl and her horse reached the middle of the dead island and placed the candle. Light and life spread from that single flame and what once was cold and dark bloomed with light and warmth.”

Once you’re started (I created a WOMAN called Zsuzsanna Turtlestreet), riding on your horse (mine is called Thunderchampion), you enter a world of women. Just girls on horses, and no boys, because GAMING HATES MEN. Well, one boy. Justin. He works at the stables, and he sends you on your first quest – to find a girl to tell you (because boys can’t tell you things, I SUPPOSE) to ride in a circle. Then another girl tells you to ride in another circle slightly faster. But this girl is horrid!

After you’ve ridden in her circle, yet another girl tells you to ride in a really big circle, before you come back to the horrible Loretta who sends you back to Justin. But, because men are just meat for girls to stare at in games these days where men are basically marginalised to the point where we’re not even allowed to tell someone to go back to the kitchen and make us a sandwich without some FEMINIST telling us that gaming’s not for us any more, Justin is fought over like the piece of meat I was just describing. Loretta instructs me that “Justin’s mine!” and I’m not to go near him, while giving me a quest to go hear him.

Returning to Justin I was told I needed to gather items to groom my horse, whereupon the game froze up my entire PC, PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM A MAN.

If you want to subject your children to this despicable feminist propaganda, the game is designed to be entirely child friendly, with pre-determined names and no way to use speech to call others horrid names (like “boy” PROBABLY). And it’s free up to level 5.

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290 Comments »

  1. cyan says:

    I just appreciated the heads-up for a horsey MMO.

    Thanks man.

  2. PopeRatzo says:

    I honest-to-God have nightmares that look like this game.

  3. Drakedude says:

    This is depressing. This article made me laugh. Admittedly, i have had better laughs, and I’d rather have more of those, but considering the inundation of sheer idiocy flowing forth i don’t blame John in the slightest. I’ll admit, mistakes have been made, for those of you attacking the politicization. On the other hand, these mistake s have been made by commenters. Take Cyberpunk 2077. I found the idea that it was intended to be erotic, bearing in mind she has bloodstained arm blades, has the epitome of fake looking skin and is obviously traumatized, not counting that she was near naked on top of this with a gun to her head, would have given most a turnoff in my view. On the other hand, in a similar time frame we had the dead island 2 zombie torso, so i can understand such claims.

    On the other side, we have those advocating Men’s rights. Nominally, i agree with your points. We need gender equality on both sides and both need discussion. However, that’s when you go on to dismiss articles such as this. All of them, it appears. You say that your viewpoint is not getting enough of a pedestal, and in some instances it’s true. Tearing down attempts to address that of the other half of the population is not exactly conducive to your point. For fucks sake! This is an audience of middle class middle aged white males who spend large enough amounts of time on games to the point where they advocate it should be taken seriously as, and move towards, an art form! You really think that the people writing and reading this never had or have problems with male stereotypes?

    I’m not going to debate which of the fuck-ups in gender portrayals is worse. I do know which audience has a far smaller presence. Fail to address both and little progress will be made, and you may as well expand the audience who you’re delivering the message too while your at it.

    • DrDrBeat says:

      This is an audience of middle class middle aged white males who spend large enough amounts of time on games to the point where they advocate it should be taken seriously as, and move towards, an art form! You really think that the people writing and reading this never had or have problems with male stereotypes?

      Yes.

      Or at least, never looked at them.

      To assume that because a group is populated by men must mean it has already addressed actual men’s issues is like saying that Ladies’ Home Journal and Good Housekeeping were started as feminist magazines because they were aimed at women.

      Discussing how great your gender role is and how best to fulfill it isn’t actually addressing the issue. Women of the time had a reflexive hatred of the suffragettes because they were supporting the gender role they had been socialized into thinking was right (They also thought getting the vote would mean they would have to serve in the military and voting wasn’t worth being shot in the head).

      And now an audience of primarily men have a reflexive hatred of “MRAs” because part of the male gender role is that admitting weakness or inadequacy means you are literally without any value whatsoever as a human being and deserve limitless contempt and nothing else. MRAs talk about male weakness and are treated, surprise surprise, as if they are without any value whatsoever as human beings and deserve limitless contempt and nothing else. Their complaints are misremembered or fabricated so that “we don’t want to have to take on all of society’s risks and responsibility and we want our lives to be considered to have inherent value. Also if we could, you know, not get killed or abused so often, or at least have society act like it cares instead of pretending we’re never victims or making our abuse into a punchline, that would be just fucking grand.” becomes “privileged whining” of “fedoras” who are threatened by the concept of female empowerment.

      • jrodman says:

        It’s certainly much easier to respond to someone when you wholly invent their position for them, isn’t it?

  4. Kamos says:

    Reply fail.