AC III: Tyranny Of King Washing Machine Out Now

By Nathan Grayson on February 20th, 2013 at 8:00 am.

HOW'S THIS FOR A STAINLIFTER?

I think that was my country’s first President’s name. Something like that. Honestly, I’m fuzzy on the details, because history was never my strong suit, and I secretly pledge my allegiance to the vengeful, cursed spirit of Mummy King Ramses II. But yes, Assassin’s Creed III: The Tyranny of King Washingface episode one has officially ridden a star-spangled, single-tear-propelled eagle onto Steam, Uplay, and the like. You may tomahawk your way to its historically inaccurate heart as you please. But first, you must watch a trailer. Otherwise, you won’t get a proper preview of Connor’s fancy new clothes. They’re quite spiffy. I bet he even gave them a thorough rinse in one of those – argh, what do you call ‘em? – oh, right: Washingtons.

The whole story’s not only an alternate reality in the context of, er, real life, but also seemingly in Assassin’s Creed canon. Here’s the gist:

“In the first episode of The Tyranny of King Washington, the American Revolution is over but the true battle is just beginning. In The Infamy, George Washington, blinded by a thirst for unlimited power, has declared himself king. Connor awakes in this reality as Ratonhnhaké:ton – never having joined the Assassin order – and accepts a new mission to take Washington down. Acquire all-new skills to fend off this new threat to freedom. Live history as it never happened, and ignite a new revolution!”

Which is actually a really fun setup, I think, but the trailer makes it all look so implausibly over-the-top. Yes, I’m aware I just said that about Assassin’s Creed – a series that concerns itself with genetic memories, doomsday prophecies, and Adam and Eve inventing parkour – but this seems like it actually could’ve been really compelling if Washington was a bit less comically evil.

Then again, maybe Ubisoft’s only playing up his mania for promotion’s sake. Perhaps, in actuality, his wooden dentures are acting up, and he’s just feeling a little grumpy. So naturally, he sicks his scummiest soldiers on a couple innocent townships – like you do. Or not. Given that this one apparently focuses on not-Connor’s spirit powers to a large degree, I’m betting things will get pretty ridiculous in a hurry. Here’s hoping that’s a good thing. Or, at the very least, a better-than-Assassin’s-Creed-III thing.

The DLC’s available now for $9.99. The next episode, “The Betrayal”, is out next month, followed by “The Redemption” in April.

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56 Comments »

  1. karthink says:

    I dunno if it was the case in AC 3, but I bet Ubi says “the apple” drove Washington mad with power. You can even see it on his person in the trailer (and in the promotional poster)

    This would faithfully follow Ubisoft’s practice of attributing everything about every pivotal or exceptional event in history to their lousy mcguffin.

    • Marik Bentusi says:

      It’s Warcraft’s way of creating villains all over again.

      “Went mad, lol, what a tragic victim of his own desires.”

    • Triplanetary says:

      I can’t wait for AC4, where we’ll play as a German Jew during the Third Reich, and it’ll all lead up to us assassinating Hitler, who was also turned evil by the Apple, naturally.

      Man, I’m glad I’m making that up, but if it turns out to be true I will END IT ALL ALL OF IT THE WHOLE WORLD IT WILL BE OVER DO YOU HEAR ME UBI?!

      • Skhalt says:

        Actually it was part of the little hidden clues in AC2 that Hitler was a rogue Templar and was indeed using an Apple. Then an Assassin got to him at the end of the war (in the bunker where he supposedly suicided) and made off with the Apple.

        • karthink says:

          Well, of course. We can’t have anyone of historical import dying without an assassin being involved.

          • Gap Gen says:

            Lincoln goes mad, starts putting black people in cages, you’re teleported into the genetic memory of John Wilkes Booth to try and stop him?

          • Triplanetary says:

            It’s sad. They’re really watering down the story. When you killed the freakin’ Pope at the end of AC2 (spoilers btw), it was a pretty fuckin’ big deal. Now it seems like Ubi just wants to take us through the Who’s Who of Historical Figures You Learned About in Grade School. It’ll get to the point where we’re yawning while sticking a blade in Ghandi’s neck.

          • Gap Gen says:

            Yeah, but Ghandi turned evil and tried to conquer China after he ate a bad apple.

          • Michael Fogg says:

            Ezio actually let the Pope go at the end. What a disappointment.

          • rsanchez1 says:

            Yeah, Ezio let Borgia go, he didn’t kill him at the end of AC2. And it was a big enough deal that the Pope’s son sent an army to Monteriggioni to utterly destroy the Assassin base.

      • rsanchez1 says:

        I’m pretty sure AC already established that Hitler was given the Apple. If you paid attention during AC2 and Brotherhood you’ll know.

    • yurusei says:

      Went mad because of the Apple? Bull manure.

      He probably went to see a gypsy, peeked into the future, met Nathan and subsequently lost all hope for Americans, pushing him to near paranoia and deluding him to the need to police America so that it won’t stray from the condition it is in now.

    • rsanchez1 says:

      It worked for Al Mualim and Rodrigo Borgia, why not for George Washington?

  2. Mister Yuck says:

    So in Ubi’s alternate history things go slightly worse for the Indians slightly faster? I’m not really seeing why the Indians would care if America went back to a monarchy given how poorly American democracy went for them.

  3. arche.exe says:

    Is it just me, or does the texture/video quality seem a bit low?

    • baby snot says:

      It’s not just you. The settings are so low I think it could be played on a Vita

      • f1x says:

        I thought the same when the girl gives him the vambrace, “Take this vambrace, we looted it from the fresh corpse of a SNES”

  4. Just Endless says:

    Wait, as in The Betrayal of Washinton and The Redemption of Washington?

    As in, this is Ubisoft’s ENTIRE plan for AC3 DLC??

    That is amazing and I am so glad I didn’t play AC3.

  5. pakoito says:

    WASHINGFACE

    • jrodman says:

      I always assumed the Amiga demoscene musical classic “Cardinal Washlotion” was an alternate name for this gentleman.

    • The Random One says:

      I heard that in the US they don’t have washing machines at home so everyone sends their dirty clothes to the politicians to clean. That’s why they call their capital Washing Town.

  6. Triplanetary says:

    “Commander Washington, why are you doing this?”
    “Mwa ha ha.”
    “O…kay… I get that you’re an eeevil villain, but that doesn’t really answer my question.”
    “Mwa ha ha.”
    “…This is getting us nowhere.”

  7. John Connor says:

    > I secretly pledge my allegiance to the vengeful, cursed spirit of Mummy King Ramses II.

    You’re a republican then?

    • dE says:

      Do you have some sort of masochistic desire, to toss things at the hyper-aggressive bee’s nest and see what sticks?

    • Alfius says:

      Wouldn’t that be the Mummy President-for-life Ramses II?

  8. Pryde says:

    Looks like the tyranny of laundry machine to me. Or milking machine. Or…

    • Gap Gen says:

      “Sir! A number of gents are trying to assassinate you!”
      “Hmm. How does one deter gents?”

  9. crinkles esq. says:

    This is about as implausible as you can get. George Washington was the only American president to give up executive powers he felt the office didn’t need, and didn’t even want to be president. He was a true patriot, and Ubisoft, you snobby Quebecoise have just insulted the United States of America.

    And you know, the United States has gone to war for far less. I think it’s about time those Canadian brats in Montreal were given some comeuppance. They can’t even speak French correctly.

    • misterT0AST says:

      It seems that everything’s gone wrong since Canada came along!

      • Gap Gen says:

        Seward should have been less of a spineless weakling and annexed it in the 1860s like he said he would.

    • Lenderz says:

      Sir, may I remind you of 1812, do you really want to be embarrassed by a colony again.

      • crinkles esq. says:

        The War of 1812 was a bag of mixed results, with the Indians being the only real losers, but I certainly give the Canadians their due. Frankly, America deserved to be beaten back after Madison and his hawks set their wide, greedy eyes on Canada. This issue, on the other hand, is a matter of honour, dear sir.

        • Llewyn says:

          Surely, sir, that is like two beggars fighting over a banquet.

          • jrodman says:

            I want this to have actually meant “Two beggars fighting over a bouquet.”

    • Gap Gen says:

      Ah, well, it’s only the one woman from Quebec who’s insulted you, so I guess it’s OK.

      • jrodman says:

        She did that last time I went there, too.

        All I did was say “Sorry I don’t speak crazy frog.” Is that supposed to be offensive? You’d think they hate Americans for no reason at all.

    • rsanchez1 says:

      I’m more outraged that Ratonhnhaké:ton never became an Assassin.

      How dare you, Ubisoft?

  10. CaspianRoach says:

    I just finished playing it and it is solid 2 hours long. I’ve ignored collecting all the collectibles though and only got some.

    It is an alright piece of content but in no way it is worth the 10 dollars. You can get a good indie game or a bundle for that amount of money.

  11. SominiTheCommenter says:

    My game crashed right in the last cutscene, never came back. I have only one save, and to get even near the fun of just exploring the Frontier I have to play for at least 10h.

    For Ubisoft sake, I hope Watchdogs is AC4, or tomahawks will fly.

  12. Gramarye says:

    So right off the bat they’re saying everything you did in AC3 to advance the revolution was useless and you were never needed. That bothers me.

    On the other hand, I was bothered that they inserted Connor into everything like major world events needed an assassin to be important. I guess I’m not happy either way.

    Grump.

    • Deano2099 says:

      Actually the context is quite interesting. It’s an alternate history, that does seem to wipe out the events of AC3 and go off in a different direction. The key thing is that Connor is aware of this. He’s trying to figure out why he’s playing through such an implausible scenario like you.

  13. Gap Gen says:

    It’s worth noting that I invoke Ramses every day as part of my job.

  14. Treebard says:

    The payoff for the Washing Machine / Washington thing in the opener was absolutely fantastic. KUDOS TO NATHAN

  15. Brun says:

    He’ll save children, but not the British children…

    • JademusSreg says:

      Washington, Washington,
      6-foot-8, weighs a fucking ton.

  16. MadTinkerer says:

    ” but this seems like it actually could’ve been really compelling if Washington was a bit less comically evil.”

    Well they are deliberately changing the attitude of a person whose real-life attitude towards monarchy was along the lines of “What? You’re forming a conspiracy to make a King out of me? Do we really need another King George? I’d hate to come down there and put a violent end to your plan, so you better just let it go.” according to his own letters.

    So yeah, alternate-universe George Washington would be “given into madness”, because it’s totally out of character for him to want to reign as a monarch.