By Alec Meer on March 14th, 2013 at 3:00 pm.
It’s a slow news day, presuming at least that you’re leaving consumer rights-championing Sim City coverage to a colleague, so I did the only sensible thing and took an extra-long shower. Inevitably, I missed three phone calls – the only phone calls I’d received all week, of course – during that time. Then I made a cup of tea and ate a bag of Smokey Bacon crisps before finally taking to Twitter to tell people to tell me what to write about. The first three games mentioned would make it into a post: this was my solemn vow. That took about two seconds, but people continue to reply even though I’ve explicitly told them not to. Oh, Twitter. Anyway, my fate is sealed. Those first three games are…
CryWankFace is a game by Craig Lager and Joe Martin (at least, I’m guessing that’s the Joe in question), two people who hope to be taken seriously on the internet. They have made a quick-time-event game about crying and wanking, so they’re probably out of luck on that front. There is a face too, but it doesn’t do much. Other than cry, anyway. It’s basically like Guitar Hero meets that thing where you have to pat your head while rubbing your stomach, but with wanking. And crying. It’s not safe for work I guess, but you can’t see any detail on the guy’s winkie so it’s probably alright really. AMERICANS: wanking means paying a visit to Madame Palm and her five lovely sisters.
We wrote about puzzle-platformer (sort of) suteF a million years ago, and it got suggested to me again today presumably because someone thought sprites that look dead babies would be funny. I’m becoming a parent in two months, so it’s basically the worst game I could possibly play right now. So thanks for that. It really is excellent though, in an incredibly devious, twisted sort of way. Game rules change without warning, the most obvious path is usually the most fatal one and it borrows tricks from most every horror movie in the book to deploy at random for maximum discomfort.
John did a long, enthusiastic Wot He Thunk of Escape Goat, another puzzle-platformer, last year, so most of my work is already done for the third game I have to mention. Ahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaah. What I’ll do instead is cherry-pick words from his piece and put them together in a way which suggests he’s a complete freak. “I’ve never much enjoyed play, but I think masochism is crazy, lovely enjoyment.” Oh, that John Walker!