So Get Your Ural Truck And Go

By Alec Meer on April 23rd, 2013 at 2:00 pm.

By way of example, a recent specimen from the dark blue segment:

Soldier. There is some job for you. You will receive further orders from your commander Kate. But you must to know – this will be not so easy. You’ll need to deliver some secret weapon, save wounded soldiers and all this must be done as fast as possible. So get your Ural Truck and go. THERE IS SOME JOB FOR YOU.

Urals Truck, the subject of such wonderful All Your Baseisms, is a free browser game that’s essentially Snuggle/Smuggle Truck as set in a bizarre alternate Cold War-era Russia, where under-road fallout shelters and women in swimwear abound. The weirdness makes it almost work, but all too soon it feels sinister as well as gratuitous. And yes, ‘your commander Kate’ does indeed make an appearance and no, she is not dressed in a manner I would consider at all appropriate for senior military duty.

We get dozens of mails like this every week, always the same format – download links with offers to host it ourselves, promises there’ll be no ads, sparse text full of mangled English, nothing about why we’d want to do this. This is what they want us to do:

(Alas making it fit into one of our posts chops 100 pixels off the sides – if you really want the full thing, click here.)

Great music, mind. Though they probably nicked it from Red Alert.

Why would they want to send us a copy of their game and ask us to host it, for free, especially if there are “no ads”? Well, clicks mean cash somehow, I guess. Clicking anywhere other than Play on the initial screen takes you to CarMotoGames, which is a goldmine of clones, flagrant IP theft (Batman, Mario, Spongebob, Toy Story, Bratz – all from a single glance) and endlessly looping links to other, similar sites and their galleries of infinite drek, all screaming for your clicks.

So much of this stuff exists. It’s making money somewhere, somehow. People somehow, somewhere are finding it and playing it. And I’ve just helped to do that. Only in the interests of SCIENCE, you understand.

(Also, one category I left off the pie-chart was mails about ‘dress-up games for girls’, which appear to involve exactly the same game each time with different graphics, recycled forever in a nightmare of pink dresses and giant eyelashes. I’ve lately managed to have most of those filtered directly to trash, though).

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113 Comments »

  1. Premium User Badge

    Skeletor68 says:

    Will wright werds for fude

  2. djbriandamage says:

    I’m genuinely disappointed that I won’t get to hear RPS’ review of this snuggle/smuggle truck sim.

  3. Lyton Darque says:

    “The same game with different graphics” – so, there are requests for you to host Dress Up Truck games? Manly trucks in girly clothing. That seems like a great way to promote gender equality!

    • Premium User Badge

      Earl-Grey says:

      I’m a Ural truck and I’m okay, I sleep all night and I haul all day.
      I put on womens’ clothing and murder prostitues.

    • Laketown says:

      I’m a big beautiful truck who don’t need no man.

    • Lyton Darque says:

      I am truckin’, hear me roar.

    • Premium User Badge

      darkChozo says:

      I will no longer read your truck-related comments. Longly and angrily.

    • daemonofdecay says:

      Does a dress up truck game involve trying to maintain automotive decency by covering up those unsightly truck nuts?

    • Salix says:

    • Arglebargle says:

      Truckin, got my chips cashed in. keep truckin, like the do-dah man……

  4. Lobotomist says:

    What! You are accepting paid writting work from people that dont know how to spell proper english !

    Why was I not notified ! You know i am clasified !

  5. Premium User Badge

    RobF says:

    I once started writing my own dress up/shopping game for girls about six months ago until I realised I couldn’t actually manage it without totally walking the wrong side of what I wanted to take the piss out of.

    They’re horrible things most of them and some of the quizzes just boggle.

  6. Syra says:

    I can offer you Indian SEO services in the UK (with good grammar!).

  7. Meat Circus says:

    I can offer you Sexy Engaging Oral service in any accent you want, big boy.

    • Premium User Badge

      Jonfon says:

      The dead eyed Angela Lansbury avatar makes this all the more horrifying / titilating (delete as necessary)

    • The Random One says:

      If I wanted Sexy Engaging Oral services I wouldn’t be on RPS. Call me when you offer Sexy Engaging Written services.

  8. Captain Hijinx says:

    “Requests for paid writing work (Full of grammatical errors)”

    Just like every single RPS article then!

  9. Lev Astov says:

    This is actually a really cool article. I love seeing a bit behind the scenes and have oft wondered at what kinds of emails RPS must get on a daily basis. Get your ural truck and go is also a pretty great bit of engrish for undefinable reasons.

  10. DeFrank says:

    Article needs more tits, yo.

  11. Meat Circus says:

    Get your urine checked and *know*.

  12. bstard says:

    Now I cant stop thinking bout what is in that email garbage can :(

  13. engion3 says:

    Damnit. I gave them a click-through.

    • Jams O'Donnell says:

      I gave them about five before I figured out where I needed to click to get to the game.

  14. Cara Ellison says:

    All my pitches is totaly gramatical RPS y havent u comsisioned me this wk

    • Meat Circus says:

      Because soup, obvs.

    • Niko says:

      Hey i saw u on gaurdin lol jk

    • Brun says:

      Mispelling of Iron Brew, cleerly.

      • Ravenholme says:

        I’m really hoping that was irony.

        (It’s Iron-Bru for all you non-Scots who might wonder why I am calling this ironic)

        • neems says:

          Double Whammy!

          It’s Irn Bru.

          • serioussgtstu says:

            Triple whammy! It tastes like shit to everyone except the Scots!

        • Brun says:

          Yes it was meant to be a joke, the correct spelling is “Iron Bru” or “Irn Bru”, thus “Iron Brew” is a mispelling.

          Also full disclosure, I’m actually an American but I ran in to Irn Bru in college when my Scottish chemistry professor would offer it up as a reward for answering questions during lecture. The taste was…interesting.

  15. Premium User Badge

    golem09 says:

    Would have expected a “Apology from EA for Sim City disaster” in the color explanation column, without a visible slice of the pie in that color.

  16. analydilatedcorporatestyle says:

    Alic, I told youand that jon I aint paying you to write for you bro you pay me innit! and with you all the way with the girl power bro i respec me bitches like youz respect that cara coz shes hot

  17. kibble-n-bullets says:

    I gave that a click and I still don’t know what happened.

  18. Premium User Badge

    Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    Surely my Letters to the Editor should be in there somewhere.

    Dear Sir(s) or, conceivably, Madam,

    I note with dissatisfaction that yesterday’s article, “And Homeworld Went To… Gearbox?” quotes Gearbox extensively but has precisely zero column-inches devoted to the Grambly Gentlemens’ Homeworld Club, one of Britain’s foremost Homeworld-related country institutions and proud possessor of the largest and most potentially deadly brunch buffet in the civilised world.

    Our golf course, modeled on Homeworld 1 Mission 8, “The Garden of Kadesh”, is considered to be one of the world’s finest PC game-related greens, with cunningly wrought gas fields for golfers to harvest and endless, unrelenting swarmer hazards from the third hole onwards.

    Why, it was just last October that we had our well-received re-enactment of Mission 3, “Return to Kharak”, when the members, bedecked in our yellow-and-red regalia, rode servants to joust with croquet mallets in the spirit of corvette dogfighting over the burning world while our five-man miniature orchestra struggled manfully to play a passable (but still heartbreaking) rendition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings.

    It is the shameful lack of appreciation for the more gentlemanly aspects to this great pastime of ours that damns Rock Paper Shotgun to mediocrity barely ahead of its competition and leaves me little choice but to seek my PC games news from Equestria Daily.

    Yrs. Sncr. &c,

    Incandescently Furious of Umbrage Wells*

    *His Nibs, Arbuthnot Cuthbert “Custard” Smingleigh, R.N., B.Sci, OBE (withdrawn)

    • SanguineAngel says:

      I wish I had an award I could hand to you.

    • MrMud says:

      Clearly Equestria Daily is the premier source for equine based gaming information.

    • MacTheGeek says:

      Why does “Madam” have to be “conceivably”? Can’t a woman define herself, independently of her reproductive organs?

      • Premium User Badge

        Gap Gen says:

        If you’re not conceivable you might have trouble being born ever.

  19. Premium User Badge

    smokiespliff says:

    I sent John a nice email recently thanking him for his recent efforts. Alas, judging from the pie-chart, RPS must not get many of them :(

    • analydilatedcorporatestyle says:

      As did I, pah! last time for that, we didn’t even warrant a pixel wide sliver!!

      • nitehawk says:

        I think those of us that enjoy the site and comment on such are such an in significant sliver of the pie we do not show up. :)

        • analydilatedcorporatestyle says:

          Surely in these days of 1080p they could have Venn diagrammed it up with ‘us’ constituting a single pixel dotting the ‘i’ in ‘site’. I proper love a good Venn diagram me like!!

    • Premium User Badge

      Rikard Peterson says:

      Speaking of good things – it’s great that those “more from the web” things are gone!

      (Ok, it’s not directly related, but I’ve been looking for a good comment thread to thank RPS for their removal since they went away, and this was the best I’ve found.)

      • Premium User Badge

        Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

        But I would endorse a tasteful sidebar widget with random posts from the archive, as I saw some interesting things from the Dark Age of Gillen from the RPS part of those links.

        • Premium User Badge

          Rikard Peterson says:

          Yes, that could be a good thing. I don’t assume everyone to be as mad as me and browse through the complete archives upon first arrival.

          • cowardly says:

            *Whistles inconspicuously while quietly pushing the great big stack of archived articles he just read into a dark corner*

        • Cara Ellison says:

          Oh! Yes! I rather enjoyed those as well. I read a thing from someone called ‘Jim’ about Vampire The Masquerade or whatevs and it was kewl

          • WrenBoy says:

            It would be great if retrospectives became a more common feature actually.

      • WrenBoy says:

        Seriously, well done whoever was responsible for that decision.

    • Deviija says:

      I sent him a nice little ‘thank you’ email as well. I’m assuming that this pie chart is mostly made for comedic purposes (and poking fun at that particular yellow sliver), rather than actually representing every manner of email they receive. :3 On Twitter, John mentioned getting over 100 positive/appreciative emails over the course of the work day after making that post of his.

      • cowardly says:

        Yes, I was going to mention that! On Rum Doings, he said that he’d received more than a hundred emails, and almost a hundred (or something of that order) of them were positive and supportive, and only a few of them were crazy-town-banana-pants people ^^
        Of course, as is often the case with the internet, it is difficult to not feel hurt, depressed with humanity or just exasperated because of those people, and it seems that was the case for John too, so… cheer up John! We love you! *hugs*

    • Premium User Badge

      Mr Coot says:

      As did I. And even subbed. Well that’s four. Surely a pixel wide sliver.

  20. Ebslike says:

    The email I sent a month ago is not represented in this chart: offering free editorial work to check your English spelling. How about that?

  21. Premium User Badge

    Faldrath says:

    And here I thought this was an announcement for a new Euro Truck Simulator 2 expansion. My day is ruined :(

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      Russian Truck Simulator would be too much excitement for that genre.

  22. Hunchback says:

    If people in general were less stupid, this kinda shit wouldn’t exist…

    But seeing how things are, i guess teh interwebs is doomed to be forever plagued by cheap copies, spam and bullshit. There’s always a price for freedom, eh?

  23. JayTee says:

    All I have learned from this is that wounded Russians (Soviets?) are pathetically weak. I mean I was driving a truck as sedate as the Archbishop of Canterbury would drive a truck, but the weak-ass wounded-man decided that was too much for his delicate constitution.

    Man up nameless soviet. You’d not survive a taxi in Birmingham.

  24. SilentDawn says:

    I don’t even know how to spell “gramatikal”, would u hire me? :D

  25. S Jay says:

    Why is this…here?

  26. Premium User Badge

    lowprices says:

    Requesting permission to turn “THERE IS SOME JOB FOR YOU, SOLDIER” into a meme, sir!

    • RedWurm says:

      I shall be using it frequently. People will be annoyed and confused.

    • tossrStu says:

      Permission denied. However feel free to incorporate it into another meme, eg. JOBFACE, THERE IS NO IRON FOR YOU QUINNS, etc.

  27. Jason Moyer says:

    Ural. 12 o’clock. RPS. Target. Ural.

  28. JarinArenos says:

    What about emails suggesting how sexy RPS staff is and soliciting favors? I mean, my emails alone should account f-

    … nevermind.

  29. cocoleche says:

    I suggested a regular cosplay feature a while ago, never got a reply. Still waiting to see John Walker in drag.

  30. nanowired says:

    Sexual Equality, eh?

    I have yet to see a full article which seriously covers the fact that most male protagonists are either muscle men(Gears of War, God of War) or pretty boys(DMC). Marios we are, Kratos we ain’t.

    • Aaax says:

      Speak for yourself!

    • Mordsung says:

      Max Payne, and most Rockstar heroes, are neither muscle bound hunks or pretty boys.

      Most Bioware heroes, using defaults, are neither pretty boys or muscle bound hunks (though they also tend to do well with female characters).

      Jim Raynor is an aging dude with an average body.

      Everybody is wearing too much armor in Dawn of War games to accurately figure out of they’re attractive or not.

      You have a small point, a lot of male heroes are as equally over sexualized as female heroes, but we have WAY MORE options for unsexualized males than females do for unsexualized females.

      Bioware really should give a lesson to other devs using Aveline (DA2) and Jack (ME2) as “how to write females.”

      One is a non-sexual option, the other literally “fucks” you just as any dude would “fuck” a woman.

      I actually hate to fly a flag for an EA owned company, but females is something they tend to do well.

      • Sian says:

        Jim Raynor has arms as thick as his neck, sometimes thicker, and a chest like a barrel. Those are not normal proportions for an aging dude. He’s definitely a hunk, even though it’s justified with him being a marine.

        Space Marines are genetically enhanced, so they’ve got tons of muscles. Orks are born for war and have even more ridiculous muscles. The other humanoid races are less extreme, I figure, at least lorewise. Eldar are probably quite pretty, though.

        • hotmaildidntwork says:

          Aren’t space marines also completely sterile, and covered in some sort of chitin to interface with the suit?

          • Sian says:

            Well, yes. I bet there’s a fetish for that. Their faces are supposed to be slightly disproportional due to their inherent gigantism, but no video games where they are visible seem to follow that part of the lore.

            I’m pretty sure no feminist worth their salt will hesitate to call the Space Marines sexist, though.

        • Mordsung says:

          Orks are also asexual fungus, not exactly the best example. Those Orks are neither male nor female.

          And yes, beneath the SM armor we know they’re strong as fuck, but you don’t see that through the armour. Their armor isn’t form fitting.

          • Sian says:

            Sorry, but I’m quite tired of that excuse. Yes, orks are asexual fungi, but their appearance is clearly male and clearly musclebound – so much so that there’s an awful fanfic somewhere out there that completely misses the fact that orks have no reproductive organs. I’m not saying GW need to rework the race to include more feminine types of orks, but you can’t deny that they look as much like a male power fantasy as any 90s superhero.

  31. Premium User Badge

    Thurgret says:

    Upon first glance, I assumed that this article would be about the impending open beta of the second instalment of Wargame.

    That said, your email inbox must be a horrible thing.

  32. sinister agent says:

    Ugh, SEO tossers. “Dear Webmaster (because apparently it is still 1999 somewhere), we all know that thanks to people like me, some things about the internet are hateful. But are they hateful enough?”.

    Arseholes.

  33. Beefeater1980 says:

    I for one am all in favour of an RPS article constituting a short history of tractors in the Urals.

  34. protowizard says:

    NO. BAD PIE CHART. PUT THOSE SEGMENTS IN SIZE ORDER AND TELL ME WHAT PERCENTAGES THEY REPRESENT (TO AT LEAST 1 DECIMAL POINT) RIGHT NOW. #mathrage

    • Premium User Badge

      lowprices says:

      Ooh yeah. Show that pie chart who’s boss. It’s been a naughty pie chart and needs to be “corrected”.

  35. Tei says:

    I have a idea for a kickstart for RPS. We can share the money of the quickstart, 90% to me, 10% for RPS. The money can come to start a long sexual inuendo fighting campaing. The version v0.1 of this campaigan will be crown sourced comlpelty. People will not just give money to me for this campaing, but will receive Age of Wushu codes, like 53534-34445-12333 and 222-4555-222-HEX. I think the website must include this code in the url and the meta data to receive more visits.

  36. nanowired says:

    A very good post was deleted – I can appreciate that you don’t want people to say whatever they feel like, but have some restraint in regards to people who disagree with you.

  37. screeg says:

    Judging by the copious grammatical errors of the full time staff at RPS, I don’t see how receiving them in applications for work should bother you. I’m serious: for a site that champions games journalism, try proofreading your own stuff once in a while.

    • sinister agent says:

      Proofreading one’s own stuff is the biggest waste of time in the world. You need someone else to do it for it to work.

      And since all the RPS writers are figments of John’s imagination, that’s not possible.

    • Inglourious Badger says:

      Then you also realise your second sentence doesn’t make linguistic sense, I assume.

  38. iridescence says:

    Damn, When I saw that headline I was seriously hoping Euro Truck Simulator 2 was finally coming out with a Russian map expansion.

  39. Inglourious Badger says:

    What, we can e-mail you? And I’ve been commenting on here like a fool! Lesson learned. I will commence e-mailing directly until I get me very own slice of pie chart