Hallelujah: Chemical Spillage Simulation Is Real

By Nathan Grayson on May 25th, 2013 at 9:00 am.

Nondescript warehouse boxes are a leading cause of radiation.

Fact: 52848202102395 chemicals spill every hour. Another fact: said spillages have resulted in the near-extinction of humanity on countless occasions. Third fact: one such spillage recently caused me to forget the meaning of the word “fact”. Fortunately, Chemical Spillage Simulation will soon be on the scene to save the day. Or teach me to save the day, anyway. It’s about stopping oozing, multi-tendriled sludgetastrophes before they ever happen, but instead of going about it the normal way (time travel), you use meticulously calibrated analysis vehicles, tools, and robots. Be still, my beating heart. Oh wait, that’s just my Geiger counter.

The serious game about serious things that will seriously never be used in hilariously dumb 420 dubstep montages unless they’re serious heralds from Excalibur Publishing, they of Train Simulator 2013, Euro Truck Simulator 2, Police Simulator 2, and Fritz 13 Chess. They maybe like simulating things a little.

So then, how do you simulate a chemical spillage? Pretty much like this:

“You’ve just been enlisted as a novice member of the Special Chemical Disaster Prevention unit and as such cannot yet be trusted to engage in highly specialised missions. Your initial assignments are geared towards chemical spillage prevention but will also include extinguishing house and warehouse fires. You’ll then progress onto the recovery and analysis of chemical and radioactive materials, escorting radioactive materials transportation and a mission involving an atomic power plant.”

Escalation! From grease fires at Denny’s to nuclear meltdowns. That’s my kind of career progression.

In the process, you’ll get behind the wheel of a Special Chemical Analysis Vehicle, fire trucks, and a fully controllable robot. You’ll also need to make frequent trips to your truck-mounted Chemical Prevention Mobile unit or else risk dire consequences without oil absorbing units, contamination meters, and, er, hazard suits. But who cares about those, right? Mop up extremely dangerous fluids naked! It’s the only guaranteed way to get super powers, you know.

Chemical Spillage Simulation will be out on June 14th. That’s a fact, right? Or maybe it’s a pretzel. These days, you never really can be sure what’s true and what’s edible.

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42 Comments »

  1. godofdefeat says:

    CHEMICAL FACE

  2. Mr. Mister says:

    I wish my SCAV could fire trucks.

  3. Premium User Badge

    Anthile says:

    I don’t know about this, the chemistry just isn’t there. Nothing to bond over.

    • Mr. Mister says:

      Gill out, man.

    • Low Life says:

      And what do you base that claim on?

      • pack.wolf says:

        Why reacting so acidly? Are you really that salty a personality?

        • EPICTHEFAIL says:

          To be fair, this discussion does seem quite volatile. The best solution is to just ignore it.

          • Premium User Badge

            Jimmy Butler says:

            Keep the news articles and reviews coming. I’ll soak up all info you have

    • Prolar Bear says:

      I beg to differ, such an original concept makes my head spin.

      • EPICTHEFAIL says:

        HERETIC! You missed a pun thread!

        • Droopy The Dog says:

          I think there was a pun there, even though it didn’t resonate with you.

          • Prolar Bear says:

            Yup. I understand though, science can be Bohring.

            RPS: Pun Threads for Cultured Gentlemen since 1873

        • Aaax says:

          Noob! How could you miss the relevalence of this?

      • SominiTheCommenter says:

        This is truly a quantum leap in punning. Next stop: MATH!

    • mr.black says:

      Well for many a German it’ll be pure distilled fun!

      • Droopy The Dog says:

        It’s true, this kind of thing does seem to come natriumly to them.

        • The Random One says:

          Yeah, get a German to play one of these and they’ll be right in their element.

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    JiminyJickers says:

    It just doesn’t get any better than this. We are at the height of the golden age of gaming.

  5. MuscleHorse says:

    They should have called this Chemical Spillulation, shurely?

  6. Low Life says:

    Soon they can combine all their efforts into a single simulator MMO, the World Simulator 2015.

  7. El_Capitan says:

    What? No Zombies?

  8. Tehol Beddict says:

    “Control a special analyser robot who will venture into areas not safe humans”

    Riiiiiight….

    • Skabooga says:

      I’ve always wanted to take a robo-trip through Los Angeles.

  9. staberas says:

    Is that the store room that has the Ark of the Covenant?
    I dont think that a hazmat suit will help with the face melter….

  10. Premium User Badge

    Lambchops says:

    No NMR spectroscopy no sale!

    In all seriousness I’m so tempted to buy this for comedy value.

  11. jonahcutter says:

    “Escalation! From grease fires at Denny’s to nuclear meltdowns. That’s my kind of career progression.”

    Environmental catastrophe is a growth industry.

  12. physys says:

    I do love a good clean ‘em up.

  13. Premium User Badge

    Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    For added verisimilitude, suck on some phosphorus to give yourself phossy jaw while you play.

    • arccos says:

      Thank you for teaching me something I never, ever, ever wanted to know.

      My nightmares tip their hats to you!

    • The Random One says:

      ” Affected bones would glow a greenish-white colour in the dark.”

      Shut up, real life, you’re trying too hard

  14. TariqOne says:

    Unfortunately the hazmat suit is a day-one DLC only.

  15. Strange Brew says:

    Are all games simulations?

    Are all simulations games?

    IS THERE A SPOON?!

  16. Stinkfinger75 says:

    I’m flabbergasted to read that Denny’s has made its way across the Atlantic.

  17. spectone says:

    When I started to read this article this image of a computerised WHS quiz jumped into my head. Now I cannot dissacociate this game from work :(

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