Myopia, My Horror: I Can’t Find My Glasses

By Alec Meer on July 4th, 2013 at 3:00 pm.

Things that would be a necessary part of an Alec Meer simulator:

- Strong aversion to visiting the barber
- Possibly unhealthy fixation upon cats (yes, it’s probably toxoplasmosis)
- Beans on toast and potato crisp-based diet
- Inability to see or do almost anything when not wearing glasses or contact lenses.

ElijahT’s domestic chaos/myopia sim gamette I Can’t Find My Glasses fully realises the latter, but with added toilet destruction.

In general, needing strong prescription glasses doesn’t get me down – with one key exception. Waking up every morning and being essentially blind, unable to do so much as read the clock or reassure myself that my bed hasn’t been teleported into the heart of an alien cannibal fortress, is mighty depressing. In those earliest minutes of the day, I realise how hampered I am, how I probably wouldn’t have been able to survive a few centuries ago, how much of my life depends on having discs of plastic in front of my eyes at all times. It’s awful. Then I put my glasses on, read the time, establish that my bed is, in fact, still in an English seaside town, and go demand that the coffee machine provides its life-sustaining bounty, and all is well.

Then I played I Can’t Find My Glasses and I’m straight back in my own, personal, near-sighted hell. The main thing it does is convey the helplessness of the spectacle-wearer bereft of their eye-ornamentation, but it also throws into a little Octodad-style chaos as you desperately try to uncover where the hell said specs are. It’s only when you finally find the absentee glasses that you can fully realise the scale of the carnage unleashed during the search. A fine, single-concept game, even if it did make me miserable all over again.

Via Robert Yang.

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37 Comments »

  1. Hyphe says:

    It’s a good idea, but I can’t fathom why everything is grey. I have severe myopia and colour vision is probably the thing I lean on most when I’m not wearing lenses.

    • staberas says:

      correct i was thinking the same WHY GRAY ???? myopia is not colorblind.

    • max pain says:

      Because coloring stuff takes time is my guess.

  2. Bluerps says:

    Great way to ruin my day: When I clean my glasses and suddenly hold a lens in one hand, and the rest of the glasses in the other. I’ve been wearing the things for over twenty years, I am completely helpless without them, and I still haven’t learned how to not break them.

    • Gnoupi says:

      The key is to never hold something else than the glass you are cleaning. Learned that the hard way, no problems since.

      • Zanpa says:

        Why would you ever touch the glass?

      • pupsikaso says:

        Simply don’t put so much pressure neither on the part you’re holding nor the part you’re cleaning. I used to pop-out lenses out of my glasses because of that all the time. You don’t need that much pressure to clean them well.
        Better yet instead of using tissues or cloth to clean go wash them in water with soap – much better clean and no lense-popping incidents!

      • Bluerps says:

        @Gnoupi & pupsikaso: Yes, I know both of these things, but I still manage to do break my glasses every once in a while (well, maybe once per year, on average, so it’s not THAT bad).

        • pupsikaso says:

          Go get laser eye surgery. I’ve already started saving up.

          • drinniol says:

            Last less than ten years, doesn’t it? I thought implanted contacts were the way to go.

          • Cinek says:

            both are quite risky though. Complications happen to roughly 3% of patients leading nearly always to worsening the eyesight instead of making it better. In worst case (that’s less than 0.5%) you might loose eyesight on an operated eye permanently.

      • hexapodium says:

        My strategy is to fold the lens cloth over the lens, rest the lens in the fingers of your hand gripping the frame firmly with the other hand. Now use your thumb to move the topside fold of the cloth over the lens surface, moving slightly further back on the cloth each stroke so you don’t just push the dust around into an even layer. This way, you only ever use the force of the frame to centre the lens in your hand, and only ever push the lens into your hand, so it stays connected to the frame.

        Doesn’t work on crappy sunglasses, though. They pop out if you breathe on them.

  3. LennyLeonardo says:

    I feel your pain, Alec. Some of the most terrifying/mortifying moments of my life have been glasses-lost-on-crowded-dancefloor moments.

    Perhaps miraculously I’ve never broken a pair this way, despite it happening a good dozen times.

    Edit: Maybe my eyesight’s not that bad – in real life I’ve never ended up stuck behind the sofa thinking I was going up stairs.

    • Syra says:

      Further to this, Alec if you woke up in an alien cannibal fortress, it may look horrifying (of which you might see a little?) but it’s probably safe as they only eat each other, not humans.

      • The Random One says:

        Human cannibals don’t subsist exclusively on human meat. The alien cannibals obviously use humans as a garnish.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      Indeed. Remember, there’s no such thing as a can’tnibal.

  4. Rise / Run says:

    Alec, according to the [I'm sure of high quality] work on Toxoplasmosis and behavior, it’s mostly about risk-taking… I believe the headline I saw in an Australian periodical of high report was “Parasite makes men into James Bond, women into sex kittens.” The crazy cat woman thing has clearly not been rigorously proven. Not saying that you’re no James Bond, but it’s probably not Toxoplasmosis.

  5. lowprices says:

    Lost my glasses in the middle of a mosh pit once in my teenaged days. Scrabbling around on the floor panicking while people jump on my hands is one of my most vivid memories of being a teenager.

    “Best time of your life!” etc…

  6. mrmalodor says:

    In before stupid “get eye surgery” posts.

    • Caiman says:

      Yeah, get eye surgery, which costs an arm and a leg, has a small risk of ruining your sight completely, a moderate chance of blurring light sources at night, and a fairly large chance of not lasting for many years before you need glasses again.

  7. Kaira- says:

    My Life Simulator: Every Damn Time I Get Out of Shower And Can’t Remember Where I Put My Glasses.

  8. Koozer says:

    Has anyone else encountered those people who insist on testing the range of your vision, by methods using the assumption that your vision goes completely black after a few metres?

    • Sir Winslave Buildbot says:

      Fortunately, no. In these parts they have all been put to the sword. You might want to encourage your representatives/overlords to adopt a similar policy.

    • buzzmong says:

      Yes, I generally point out they’re being thick.

    • Mo6eB says:

      To quote Babbage, “I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.”

      P.S. edit: I meant about the people who think your vision goes black, not about the parent poster’s question. I haven’t seen such a person in real life so far.

  9. Syra says:

    I don’t need to play this game…

    *takes off glasses*

    YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

  10. EPICTHEFAIL says:

    I have discovered that floating through the house on a table while half-blind is a perfectly legit way to find glasses. I should probably try that in real life, actually.

  11. KhanIHelpYou says:

    No one else has said this so I may be alone but when I try to play it I just walk constantly and unstoppably to the left. No amount of input jiggling seems to fix it and its really hard to do all the other stuff while fighting just to stand still.

    The squint mechanic is excellent though.

    The closest to this I’ve ever made was a project for uni years ago where I set a camera’s focus through my glasses lens and documented what it was like to try and get up in the morning without wearing my glasses. It consisted of a lot of very blurry smudges and holding things right up in front of the camera in order to read 30pt text.

    • Nastorius says:

      Do you have a joystick/controller plugged in? That’s the only time I’ve encountered that particular problem. I would try unplugging it before running the game. If that doesn’t work, try opening and closing all windows. As a last resort, sacrifice a live goat (burnt offerings work best).

  12. Axess Denyd says:

    When I drop my glasses on the floor, I can’t see them any more. :-(

    Don’t know what my vision is, but I haven’t been able to read the E on the eye chart for about 8 years, and every year it worsens.

    Now, if they can find a way to accurately simulate my left eye, which has a blind spot right in the middle, so I c“1an’t read test except by loking just to the side of it, and have to isolate one line from all the others…

  13. Low Life says:

    I actually went to the barber the other day, for the first time in almost ten years. Surprisingly enjoyable, the entire process only took like 10-15 minutes.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      God, yes. I recently reverted to barbers, and it was the best decision I ever made. They only talk to you about your hair! I mean, it’s phenomenal!

      The discomfort of haircuts is made much worse by terrible eyesight, too. Not being able to see the person talking to you about reality shows you don’t watch is almost as painful as not being able to see what they’re doing to your head.

  14. Paul.Power says:

    I wear glasses for an astigmatism, but luckily I can see reasonably well without them (not wearing them right now, for example). Mostly I need them for driving, watching TV, and just general looking at distant things (people, signs, etc.).

    And now I’m really glad of that fact. That was a horribly disorienting experience.

    e: oh, you can *squint*

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      Why does squinting help?! Someone explain it to me, it has baffled me all my life!

      • foop says:

        The image you see is blurred because the lens in your eye isn’t the right shape. Light coming in at the edges is focussed at a different point to light coming in at the middle – effectively, some of the image is focussed where your retina can actually see it whilst the rest of it is focussed behind or in front of the retina.

        When you squint, you’re lowering the area of the lens you use. The really blurry bits of the picture, where light was coming in through the edges of the lens, are no longer there because your eyelids are in the way. You get less light coming in and a restricted view, buy your view is sharper.

        As well as squinting, you can also try making a tiny hole between fingers and thumbs and peering through that; it has the same effect.

        The above is a bit of a simplification and other effects may be in play (changing the shape of the eyeball, for example).