Verdict: Cara And John Play Selena Hair Care

By RPS on July 23rd, 2013 at 4:00 pm.

Every day RPS is perplexingly bombarded with press releases for half-arsed Flash games aimed at some unknowable make-up-and-horses-loving audience. Why they send this stuff to us we do not understand, but today Cara and John decided to take a look. Firstly at Selena Hair Care, because it promised it was “unique” and “fun”. Here are their adventures.

John: Hello!
Cara: Hello!
John: Have you finished Selena Hair Care yet?
Cara: Nope. It is very difficult.
John: Well, we can experience your reactions as we go. You should know that I found out about it because it was emailed to us by Top Baby Games, saying: “We have released a very unique and fun spa game published by our website TopBabyGames.com. Please review and publish it on your websites if you like it.”

Cara: Okay so I didn’t know that olive oil was in so many products that you don’t eat.
John: My perspective is more that I didn’t know I could eat so many hair care products.
John: Can you just explain for our reader exactly what Selena Hair Care is?
Cara: Well the story part of this game is very lacking. In that there is no explanation of who Selena is. Or why she likes hair care. So far, it is turning out to be a mystery game about Selena, and who exactly it is making hair care products.
Cara: MAYBE IT WILL TURN OUT TO BE ME. In a sort of M Night Shaymalannnnaan type thing
John: Whereabouts in the game are you?
Cara: I am preparing some conditioner from some Oat Protein. Oh god you put emulsified wax in conditioner? I am never putting conditioner on my hair again.

John: So you’ve made the avocado mask. What do you imagine that’s for?
Cara: I think the avocado mask must be for Halloween. Scaring children. They hate vegetables.
John: For the face, right?
Cara: Yes I think so. Although you could put it elsewhere but you would get arrested. Because you don’t want to be caught on Halloween running around with an avocado butt.
John: Again.
Cara: Right.
John: I’m playing it again, and have made the avocado mask in an incredible time. I scored 3,080 points!
Cara: Do you know I really like this handholding thing. Why do games let you do so much stuff unsupervised these days. It’s dangerous… OH MY GOD YOU PUT THE PIPETTE INTO THE ESSENTIAL OIL
John: Exactly. Why can’t games just have a pointy hand over the man I’m meant to shoot, and then a pointy hand over the gun I’m meant to fire?
Cara: The trolley came back. It is like The Mack.
John: 5,500!!!
Cara: Yes! omg I got 4400 on the conditioner one.
John: I WHOOPED you.

Cara: This green mug is attractive. He gives me all my points. Okay I am applying the Avocado Mask
John: To where, Cara?
Cara: Apparently the hair?
Cara: OH GOSH IS THIS SELENA
John: I think it is!
Cara: This is the legendary Selena!
John: But then, aren’t I Selena?
Cara: This is a fucking great story. Better than Crysis 3.
John: Surely Selena should be doing the hair care?
Cara: Oh yeah.
John: I think this is Selena’s catatonic friend, Helena.
Cara: She seems quite botoxed. We are experiencing the Uncanny Valley effect
John: But can we just get back to… applying a mask to HAIR? Hair can’t wear a mask! Except, on explicit occasions, on the back of your head for comic effect.
Cara: To be honest it has made her hair look a bit gross. I’d be scared of her if she came to the door and I was a small child.

Cara: If this is what being a girl is I am probably a really shit girl. I am having some sort of identity crisis. Actually have you noticed this game is quite sexist, there are no men in it
John: I like to remember that men built the salon.

John: IF YOU WIN YOU GET TO SEE SELENA!
Cara: OH MY GOD I LOST JOHN
Cara: Ahahahahahahahah. I can’t stop laughing
Cara: I have FAILED at the task of performing my gender.
John: You can fail?!
Cara: Ahahah. I HAVE FAILED. SELENA IS CRYING. Oh my god this is emotionally devastating.
John: She’s so happy here! Proudly holding her hair dryer.
Cara: Like That Dragon Cancer
John: 13,199 I scored. A+. What grade did you get?
Cara: I got 8390 and a grade C
John: YOU HAVE TO RETAKE!
Cara: WHY ARE YOU A BETTER GIRL THAN ME?
John: It’s all about my vagina.
Cara: Damn your vagina, John.

John: I know you’re in a tough place right now, but can we go back and discuss the pink cart?
Cara: Totally. Why does it exist? Is it Selena’s?
John: It seems like it’s for a baby. But it’s used for transporting completed tonics and potions. Which seems an ultimately inefficient way to move a small bottle.
Cara: Yes, it’s weird it’s like a companion to me now. Except it doesn’t run off and get stuck behind a door. Or as far as I know it hasn’t been getting stuck in traps on the way to the salon.
John: It’s more like the Weighted Companion Cube. I kind of what it to appear in all games I play now.
Cara: The little trolley is back to pick up my shampoo!
Cara: Awww little trolley I missed you.

Cara: I don’t understand. Where is this Top Baby? Are these games for babies? Who is the target market? Do babies like the shootmans or the platformers?
John: CARA CARA CARA!
Cara: Ahahahaha John this Liam Payne thing. Who IS HE
John: He’s Famous Singer Liam Payne! I just dealt with some guy off of One Direction’s spotty face!
Cara: See you have again outperformed me in the performance of my own gender. I do not know who this guy is. Who are One Direction?
John: They’re a band off of a TV thing!
Cara: What are their ‘hits’
John: Um… “Ooh, Girly I Love Your Thoughts”? “Hey Babe, Let’s Hold Hands For A Bit”?
Cara: Hahah this guy looks silly with blue stuff on his face… Wait is my job in this game to PICK this guy’s SPOTS
John: I think we might be just concealing them.
Cara: Well. This is. This is a lot like Ride To Hell: Retribution, in that it is like my videogame Shawshank.
John: The pink trolley doesn’t appear : (
Cara: I reallly miss the pink trolley. I am thinking of all those times we had with the shampoo. And crying a bit
John: It’s too much for me to carry on.
Cara: This game would be better if the guy was 30 years old, looked more like Antonio Banderas, and you could see lower than the belly button.

John: (I’m secretly playing a clearly not-Disney-licensed Ariel Mermaid Spot The Difference.)
Cara: I am not sure that Top Baby Games understands that the arduous tasks of performing societal norms are not inherently pleasant and are a thing that no person likes doing. I do not wake up in the morning and want to make a shampoo. And I am pretty bored with applying it to myself to be honest.
John: But surely you look forward to squeezing spots?
Cara: I am not a massive fan of squeezing spots
Cara: I have never actually squeezed someone else’s either.

Cara: OH MY GOD that game was such a massive let down. I thought he’d at least naked dance for me at the end. Or SOMETHING. A chime to say I’d won. But NO.
John: In Nicoles [sic] Mommy Challenge you can just sit in a chair and sleep while your baby cries itself to death.
Cara: Oh god. Verdict: Gave me existential crisis
John: The game features a “Fatique Meter”.

John: Right, what have we learned from playing Top Baby Games?
Cara: That I don’t know how to be a lady.
Cara: That pink trolley is mysterious and cool.
Cara: And that Liam whatsisname is in a band called Some Directions.
John: We’ve done well here. And to finish, here is their collection of Cleaning Games:
John: http://www.topbabygames.com/cleaning-games.html
Cara: In any case, I do feel a bit soothed by the presence of a pink trolley. I think I might buy one.
John: Here you go!
Cara: THIS IS IT.
Cara: THIS IS THE ONE.
Cara: It’s bought.

, , , , .

92 Comments »

  1. Premium User Badge

    Fitzmogwai says:

    Thank you, Cara and John, for being brave so I don’t have to. And for giving me something to read on this day of NO NEWS WHATSOEVER.

    • nindustrial says:

      Yeah, nice try RPS; give us the royal baby coverage!

      • Premium User Badge

        DrScuttles says:

        The Onion gave us all the royal baby news we need.

        • nindustrial says:

          Cute little thing; my money’s on the name Beelzebub

          • Premium User Badge

            Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

            Pshaw, its True Name shall be unpronounceable without the specialised organs the Royal Family have evolved deep in their throats to spit acid.

          • nindustrial says:

            I suppose in that case the commoners will need an easy nickname for the little devil. Roger perhaps?

        • Wednesday says:

          Perhaps it’s because I’ve sat through two births already, but am I the only one who thinks that’s fucking disgusting and reprehensible?

          The picture that is, births are always disgusting.

  2. nopol10 says:

    According to the instructions of the game Selena is the famous singer known as Selena Gomez (and your name is Eva). That makes TWO celebrities you’ve messed up in one day already. Who’s next? The royal baby? Shame on you.

    • SkittleDiddler says:

      I thought that bobble head in the screenshot looked familiar. Apparently the developers were going for an anatomically-correct version of SG.

    • Premium User Badge

      DrScuttles says:

      My only frame of reference for Selena Gomez is the film Spring Breakers.

  3. Premium User Badge

    lowprices says:

    “Some unknowable make-up-and-horses-loving audience.”

    Bronies?

    • Premium User Badge

      Continuity says:

      Bronies are far from unknowable, you can hardly move around the internet for tripping over them. Also i’m not aware that they’re big into make-up… or horses for that matter…

  4. lewismistreated says:

    I find the more you look at that last picture, the more likely you are to start questioning the very nature of reality itself.

    It looks like he has space for a face.

    • phelix says:

      Little do you know, those two kiwis are actually supernovas.

    • Cerebulon says:

      My God, his face is stars.

    • Premium User Badge

      darkChozo says:

      Liam Payne is the alpha and the omega. Liam Payne is all that is and all that will ever be. We are all one with Liam Payne. We are Famous Singer Liam Payne.

    • Ergates_Antius says:

      He looks like something out of Cthulhu mythos.

      At first glance he appears to a normal man, but on closer inspection, you’ll realise that his face isn’t actually a face is a gaping hole of nothingness, as if space had unfolded and compressed itself into pure absense. As you stare, transfixed, into his eyes the words of Neitzsche “When you gaze into the kiwi the kiwi gazes into you” repeat over and over in your head drowning out all other thoughts and you feel your consciousness begin to grey out and fade away. His mouth, now looking more like a writhing worm on the face of a corpse, cracks open to reveal dozens of greenish-black tentacles that reach burst forth and drag you screaming into his glistening maw.

  5. phelix says:

    Wonderful read! Reminds me of the Saturday Crapshoots, the only reason PC Gamer is in my browser history.

  6. nasenbluten says:

    Rock, Paper, Nail polish

  7. Laketown says:

    Liam Payne is so dreamy~~~

    • Squirly says:

      You gotta ask yourself if he’s maybe related to the other Payne, which leads me to believe he’s got a future with barbiturates and painkillers. Like most pop stars then.

  8. unmightysten says:

    That is one expensive pink wooden trolley.

  9. db1331 says:

    THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ALLOW WIMMINZ TO REVIEW GAMES

    • Premium User Badge

      lowprices says:

      This is what happens when you get people who don’t understand wimminz to make a game for baby wimminz for no moneys.

      • db1331 says:

        Stop defending the people who don’t understand wimminz and make a game for baby wimminz for no moneys. They aren’t going to sleep with you.

        • Premium User Badge

          lowprices says:

          I’m really trying to sleep with the people who defend people who don’t understand wimminz that make games for baby wimminz for no moneys. I guess you could call me a White Knight Knight.

    • Premium User Badge

      darkChozo says:

      Aww, but I like reading John’s WITs.

    • Senethro says:

      There will be people who are actually enraged by this article though because of the presence of women and feminist ultra-leftist John. We haven’t got rid of them all yet.

    • Frisky Dingo says:

      Hmmm it has wimminz but it has no sex appeal… It is broken?

      Halp!

  10. Koozer says:

    That last image is avatar material if ever I saw it.

  11. nimzy says:

    Sounds like the next game to come from RPS will be Sir, You Are Being Groomed

  12. TheMick says:

    More of these please! I’d also like to see Tim Stone in the driver’s seat of one of these great articls as well, it would be a terrific experiment in silliness.

  13. Premium User Badge

    RedViv says:

    Whom do I address the blood sacrifice to, so we can summon more of these articles?

  14. Screamer says:

    Did Cara fail at performing her gender because the game was made by mostly men, or mostly women? :D

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      I feel the phrase ‘performing your gender’ should become part of the common lexicon. Like if a man acts markedly macho or a woman acts frivolously effeminate you’d say ‘Stop performing your gender already!’.

      • Frisky Dingo says:

        Yes! Let’s all transcend what we innately are. People shouldn’t even be allowed to bring their genitals to work. Imagine what they might do with them!

        • GunnerMcCaffrey says:

          Gender and genitals aren’t the same thing. One is social, the other biological.

  15. Premium User Badge

    Lumberjack_Man says:

    The additional lengths you two have gone to for this post really shows that RPS is a cut above other gaming sites.

  16. Ergates_Antius says:

    Staring Eyes!….Uhh….Staring Kiwis?

  17. TJ says:

    Once games have stopped being specifically insulting to women and various racial and sexual minorities can we get onto how they’re generally insulting to everyone?

  18. Cara Ellison says:

    I just want to say John’s SHAMELESS posting scores of his SECOND RUN through Selena Hair Care is a travesty

    • Premium User Badge

      RedViv says:

      Is that perpetration not punishable with at least twenty weeks Iso-Cube? Someone should call a Judge. I’m not on duty.

  19. TreeFrog says:

    You need to interview the developers. NEED to. I want to see what the world inside their minds is like.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      This is already sufficiently represented in the final image of the article.

  20. Snids says:

    This is like that level from the Batman game. The one on the Amiga.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      OH YEAH.

      What are you?
      I’m Batman.
      Wh-what are you?
      I’m-I’m Batman.

  21. Synesthesia says:

    See what you’ve done? Now people at work are giving me weird looks. Shame on you. I can’t stop laughing. Please do a ton more of these.

  22. faelnor says:

    The female gaze.

  23. Nim says:

    I do not want my potential daughters to be exposed to this. Swords, they shall play with swords instead.

  24. Premium User Badge

    bglamb says:

    Nice to see RPS catering for their lady readers with some lady games. Well done chaps!

  25. Freud says:

    And the Selenas of this world make fun of geeks and their computer games. Circle of life.

  26. Premium User Badge

    Sinomatic says:

    The fact that you are going to buy your pink trolley from a site called Soup Dragon made this a thousand times better.

  27. pupsikaso says:

    Sigh, how boorish…
    Just how bad can it get here at RPS…

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      “Boorish”. Love it. Now say “I’m listening.” Sing the tossed salads and scrambled eggs song.

  28. Radiant says:

    Selena Gomez

  29. Phasma Felis says:

    AUGH I AM SO SICK OF ALL THESE RAMBLING JOKES ABOUT DUMB GAMES THAT no, seriously, this is better than all the Crysis 3 reviews in the world. Never change, you guys.

    • Premium User Badge

      Gap Gen says:

      Well, at least change your underwear. It’s pretty sweaty out right now.

  30. Fenix says:

    Why are Famous Singer Liam Payne’s arms made of huge pixels?

  31. Yosharian says:

    Still a better love story than Twilight…

    sorry =(

  32. Tei says:

    Is interesting how all games of this type have a similar palete or graphics. Maybe they know really well the target public, and this is exactly what these in the target wants.

    About me? I am a cat. If I can’t fuck it, If I can’t eat it. Its not relevants to my interests.

  33. brulleks says:

    Hmmm. Botoxing Helena. Are you sure it isn’t Sherilyn Fenn?

    At least we can all sleep soundly knowing that this is a ‘unique’ game.

  34. hernismall says:

    I’ve fallen in love with Cara.

  35. acenck says:

    Can’t believe John convinced Cara to play this.

  36. trajan says:

    “Cara: This game would be better if the guy was 30 years old, looked more like Antonio Banderas, and you could see lower than the belly button.”

    You have a foot fetish, too?

  37. GreatBigWhiteWorld says:

    This game gives young girls a horribly skewed perception of what a facial really is.

  38. bstard says:

    I sure hope the amount of articles on RPS wont suffer now that this game is consuming so much time… whats next, a porn game review? Shame I have to presume there ain’t any good ones since quality is something porn never degrades into.

  39. Branthog says:

    Girl Gamers FTW!

  40. Uninteresting Curse File Implement says:

    I’m usually okay at reading sarcasm, but I can never tell what you try to say with these, John. Are you saying that games aimed at women are shit? Are you parodying men who make a big deal out of ridiculing the games aimed at women? Are you saying that such activities are unworthy of being turned into a game?
    Just say what you, as a feminist ally, think about these things already. Should they not exist? Should they be made differently? It’s been confirmed that the developers are reading, so I’m sure they are ready for your input.