Get A Room: Going Down With Love Hotel

By Cara Ellison on July 30th, 2013 at 8:00 pm.

shaking shack
One thing I learned whilst living in Japan was that there is no love without love hotels. Japanese houses are small, thin as plywood, and property prices are so huge that you often won’t leave home until you’re married with a well-paying job. So… In a society where it’s not even socially acceptable to kiss in public, where can you do all your clam dippin’, begattin’ and sock adjustin’? You certainly don’t want to do it in your parents’ house with them right next to the sliding doors. Well, the answer is… you gotta make a trip to a love hotel. 3 Silly Hats have made kink-friendly SimTower-esque simulation game Love Hotel, where you’re a love hotel manager and you have to provide a place for every kind of couple to rut like gymnastic fuckbunnies. And it’s actually flippin’ amazing. I played it all day. Solo.

Nintendo had an adolescent fumble with a few love hotels in Japan in the 60s, before it really knew what it was doing, and lovely developers 3 Silly Hats, some students from Adelaide, Australia, decided that was enough to make their NES game jam game a blocky love hotel sim. It’s brand new, lovely fun, and has extremely loud beepy music you might have to turn down a bit before you get going. If you have a USB NES controller even better! As you can map the buttons to it and have a truly Ninty erotic experience.

You start off with just a two storey shag nest, with only one room and a nice bellhop to escort you for your brief residence in the booty hall. You can buy more storeys up into the air or down into the darkest earth (there’s even some treasure down below) and you can slowly unlock buying more ‘interfacing’ rooms as your star rating goes up. You can inspect clients to see what they want, or what is pissing them off.

This person is pissed off that her lover won't take the top hat off in bed

As you build more interesting themed rooms more diverse couples will arrive for some x-treme cuddling. When increasing guests arrive, you need more bellhops (time spent at the desk is fucktime wasted), and more cleaners (obviously. Some real damage can be done to your squelch shacks). You can add vending machines for food and condoms (keep hydrated and wrap up those dongs!) and as long as you keep restocking them and the utility cupboards everything will go boinkingly. Later on, you can buy a stocker who will replace all the condoms in the condom machines for you, instead of you relieving it manually.

Spooning
Here in the top floor you can see (I feel like David Attenborough) the closed door of the Spooning room behind which a nice bearded dude and a lady are perhaps doing the notorious P.I.V, or horizontal tango. Bless ‘em. Below that there are two ladies being escorted to the Missionary room. I hope it that is satisfactory for them, because I would like them to come back to my shag shop.

There’s a large selection of hump houses available: the Missionary (your standard room, naturally), the Spoon (medium size), and then super expensive ones like the Tropical (takes over an entire floor but is a giant beach theme and brings in the posh fuckers). Then there’s a balloon themed room, a banana one, one called ‘Heaven’ and you can even put in a room with a chocolate fountain, a spa (hell to clean) and a kitchen and dining room.

The best thing about the game is the cool guests you can get. Build your hotel tall and green people who get off on vertigo called Skylanders will come over to do a midnight organ fight in your lofty interior, build it higher still and astronauts will come and space spelunk. Two posh gentlemen in top hats came in to roger each other on my fake beach. These two lovely lesbians snuck into my utility cupboard for a quick no pants dance. LOOK AT THEM THE CHEEKY FUCKERS.

Some cheeky lesbians in my utility cupboard

Make sure you have enough cash coming into your back pocket though, as the electricity bills can be quite high and it’s pretty easy to go nuts spending on new rooms to invite new lovely people along to dock the Enterprise and before you know it you are left with a pants pole and no punt.

Phewf. Wow. Now, RPS, after all those special hugs. Off to have a cigarette. Get IT here for free on Windows, Mac and Linux.

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60 Comments »

  1. jonahcutter says:

    Sex Ed Day on RPS apparently.

    • db1331 says:

      What does the female vagina look like?

      • Low Life says:

        About the same as a male vagina, I imagine.

        • Don Reba says:

          I’m imagining this dialogue taking place in some country, where almost all girls have disappeared. Like China.

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      Gap Gen says:

      Hi, Ed!

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      SaxonDouglass says:

      Hi, I’m one of the 3 Silly Hats who made Love Hotel. Just incredible to wake up down here in Oz and see our little game on the front page of my favourite website! Wow. To Cara: so glad you enjoyed Love Hotel :D

      If anyone has any questions or issues just let me know here or elsewhere. If our little server goes down you can also download the game from IndieDB (http://www.indiedb.com/games/love-hotel) or GitHub (https://github.com/3SillyHats/LoveHotel).

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        lowprices says:

        Kudos, Chap. I just spent the last two hours playing this, and it’s huge fun. It made me bellow “STOP LETTING THEM FUCK IN THE CUPBOARDS, YOU IDIOTS” at a monitor, and before today, I didn’t know that was a thing I wanted.

      • Miltrivd says:

        I just played it and finished it (not sure). I totally loved it when I noticed someone using the utility room and when the new flying costumers arrived.

        I’m not sure if you are planning on expand the game, but this looks like it has so much potential (specially for the mobile market). In case you do…

        1. Lateral space, maybe buying a place next to it and expand the building sideways.
        2. Events: rainy days with low traffic and city celebrations when it gets really crowded.
        3. Different costumer behavior. Some messier than others (longer time to clean the room), some taking longer than others (makes it trickier to handle rooms and staff).

        Best of luck with it, I think it can make a fine marketable game. I had a jolly good time trying it out.

      • EGMG says:

        I keep getting a “No Game” message accompanied by the Rubber Piggy, when I attempt to run Love Hotel for mac

  2. db1331 says:

    CARA STOP THROWING YOUR SEXUALITY IN OUR FACES! We get it, you have girl parts!

    /only kidding

    • Cara Ellison says:

      Kieron used to throw his girlparts around all the time, although I have to admit his were better girlparts

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        JamesTheNumberless says:

        I can’t help but read this and imagine Kieron having a locker (a freezer would be more practical) full of dismembered arms and legs belonging to his ex-girlfriends… Be right back, have to go and throw my girl parts around for a bit.

        • Don Reba says:

          That would imply that Kieron dated above Cara’s level. Or maybe she meant her ex-girlfriends, as well.

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            JamesTheNumberless says:

            Naturally it would mean Cara’s collection of girl parts is inferior to Kieron’s, where either of them obtained such hoards of horror, is a matter for the proper authorities.

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    Gap Gen says:

    Right so Cara is basically Kieron reborn as a soup elemental.

    • apocraphyn says:

      I’m surprised all this talk of KG hasn’t summoned him forth, cosmic horror that he is.

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        Gap Gen says:

        I think the summoning spell involves naming all the X-Men. So, uh, Wolverine, Laser eye man, Weather lady, Jean-Luc, uh, Sharktopus, Blue Hairy, Duncan Chigwell, Ms Pelican, The Zorb, Quetch, uh, Xanthippus? Oh, and the magnet dude. Gandalf.

        Man, it’s hard living in a country where none of the dudes in the comics are magic. Unless they’re Breton, I guess.

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          DrScuttles says:

          Don’t forget the amazing Brittle Bone Boy, the astonishing Bleeding Orifice Man and everybody’s favourite, Wesley the Master of Headaches, Weakness and Fatigue, leader of the Brotherhood of Fevered Mutants.

        • A Bunny says:

          Jean-Luc killed me. Bunny ribs aren’t designed to withstand this type of humor. :(

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    Hodge says:

    you can even put in a room with a chocolate fountain

    Um…

    Those filthy fuckers.

  5. Shadowcat says:

    “My spoon is too big.”

  6. MrThingy says:

    I wish I had the energy for it thesedays.

    (err, playing games, I mean…)

  7. Premium User Badge

    DrScuttles says:

    Crikey. It’s been a raunchy day at RPS towers today. Down with this sort of thing *fnar fnar*

  8. engion3 says:

    You lived in Japan? Nice, my friend and I are totally going there next summer. Totally.

    • Shadowcat says:

      Being in places partially is only recommended whilst crossing border lines.

      • Don Reba says:

        Not true! There are two ways you could be in a place partially without crossing border lines and still remain whole. One way is if the place you are in is entirely within you. The other applies to the outside of that place.

        Oh, that reminds me of university maths. What a nice time that was.

        • The Random One says:

          What if you are in a contested region? Wouldn’t you also be partially in each country claiming sovereignty?

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    lowprices says:

    Is there a medal for services to euphemisms? If so, who could give it to you?

  10. The Random One says:

    Now all I can think of is a Bioshock Infinite condom machine, with its uncanny animatronic shouting “Wrap up those dongs!”

    • Shadowcat says:

      Heh. Despite the potential for “rapture” jokes, I think “Bioshock” must rank amongst the worst possible condom brand names.

  11. noom says:

    Think Cara’s been at the catnip today

  12. Don Reba says:

    I came here for the pun thread, but the euphemisms make up for the omission.

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      JamesTheNumberless says:

      Kudos to Cara, personally I’d be unable to use so many euphemisms in an article without the word “Woof!” appearing at least once.

    • Stuart Walton says:

      I’m just so glad that I’m not the only person who has used the word ‘interface’ as a euphemism.

    • whollyrandom says:

      Missed opportunity: “the euphemisms make up for the emission.”

      You’re welcome.

  13. Ross Angus says:

    “Squelch shacks”. (shudders).

  14. ElElegante says:

    Today, I learned more euphemisms for intercourse than I did in years of studying the works of William S. Burroughs. Thank you, Ms. Ellison!

  15. GreatBigWhiteWorld says:

    Can you delete the doors, Sims-style, and leave your patrons to drown in an ever increasing death chamber of mangravy?

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      SaxonDouglass says:

      Unfortunately you can’t stop clients leaving your hotel… anymore. During development you could build and delete elevators, which would allow you to trap people on a floor.

      We found that after a while though, couples managed to evolve the power to teleport – circumventing your cunning death trap.

      • GreatBigWhiteWorld says:

        sneaky bastards! nothing a few 40 gallon drums and a bank vault can’t stop..

    • Frisky Dingo says:

      Hmmm.. you’ve given me an idea involving Dwarf Fortress meets Love Hotel. Oh, yes.

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    Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    Electromonical sexulation? It’ll never catch on.

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    Wret says:

    Featuring Abe Lincoln/Condoleezza Rice?

  18. bstard says:

    I guess I was wrong, there is not limit to depravity anymore. I can die happy now.

  19. Gundrea says:

    There’s something vaguely disquieting about reading about a girl playing a video game about high level friendship hotels.

    I need to think, what would Jesus do?

  20. Bo Steed says:

    This was the worst thing to read at work.
    At the same time, this was the best thing to read at work.