NSFW: F**kQuest: Highway To The Bonerzone?

By Cara Ellison on July 30th, 2013 at 2:00 pm.

EXPLODE
Imagine if you were in some sort of hot makeout session with some lithe babe of your dreams, in my case some skinny nerdy bloke with stubble, low voice, and a weird penchant to hate you immediately after sex, and you were just going to proceed to take all your clothes off and make ‘aaah’ noises when Leisure Suit Larry popped into your head.

I’ve been playing Leisure Suit Larry: Reloaded all weekend (sadly not a euphemism), and it’s probably the worst heterosexual pants-droughtener you can ever think of, it even scorched my neuropathways with its un-hotness so that all creative wordening left my brain and flew out of the open door into the Brighton sunlight. Frankly all I could think of was not sex which is a miracle, if you’re me. It’s funny that Leisure Suit Larry has this titillating tit rep, when you never see it going in and it’s not even funny. So I harkened back to the only Sierra-esque adventure I ever actually thought was naughty: the silly funny parody game, FuckQuest. (THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK THERE ARE TITS AND WILLIES.)

FuckQuest is a 1998 parody of games in the KingsQuest and SpaceQuest veiny area, a very easy adventure game starring a man called, you guessed it, Richard. It’s amazingly crass, like Leisure Suit Larry, but here I feel FuckQuest’s pure whimsicality outstakes its bigger, girthier older brother. The dialogue boxes are succinctly funny as well as being informative:

Boring.

(That’s two people rutting on park bench in the background in an ‘animated’ fashion.)

Grinding this game is all about picking up items as gifts to persuade a woman to sleep with you. This is no surprise. However, as Pippin Barr writes, there is some real charm to this adolescent-drawn full colour sleaziness: one of the items you can pick up is the Brad Pitt mask, and once you put it on your whole head resembles a very blurry Brad Pitt. It’s odd: once the game tells you that it is a Brad Pitt mask, you can’t help squinting at it and nodding in agreement. Yes, you think. There is something quite Brad Pitt about me now.

Amazing architecture waow

Richard says very little that is offensive (that is left up to the game’s disembodied narrator, who talks about pussy as if it is the most important thing in the world), instead he is voiceless. This is perhaps Larry’s increasing mistake: talking. I do not want my men to talk if they’re going to use super gross pick up artist pick up lines, like the one where you have been running around in someone’s head all night and oh you must be very tired just NO Larry. Shh. It is quiet time now.

FuckQuest manages to have a gross sense of humour and be quite nice. For example, try and pick up the Dick O’ Matic 2000 in the amazing feat of architecture that is the House O’ Porn, and you get told that you’ve got a perfectly good dick.

No need

YES. You hear that player? You have a pretty sweet dick. No need for that expensive thing. And vibration is not the Only Way. Off you trot.

However, convincing a woman to sleep with you by wearing a mask is probably one of the creepiest behaviours I have ever heard of. To be fair, she probably realised that you were wearing a Brad Pitt mask, as she later addresses you as Richard in the bedroom (rumbled). So perhaps this bumbling mask-wearing is cute to her. Which… could happen? Maybe? I mean she couldn’t have just thought Brad Pitt would walk up and proposition, she isn’t as completely debilitatingly good-looking as me. (I love measuring my own attractiveness against six-pixel women, I always win.)

In any case you end up boning, you DO see it going in, and you can put it in and out in FOUR, yes FOUR different positions. I have neglected to screenshot this as I thought it’d be spoilers, not because I am scared of luncheon meat truncheons. It is a highly amusing, gross-erotic experience which is probably why teen-perv me liked it so much.

THERE ARE ONLY FOUR POSITIONS

Of note is the fact that a) your penis is entirely disembodied and incredibly difficult to aim going in and out and b) you can only go in and out for as many times as it takes you, Dick, to climax in a spectacular firework display of what I am supposing are ‘feels’. The woman’s orgasm is not mentioned.

Just going on an eternal quest for fuck

Cara’s Final Thought: I’d make a joke about relationships which climax in orgasm and then the protagonist loses interest, but maybe I’d cry. But it’s odd that videogames have not really moved on from this model of ‘romance’ where you feed a person gifts until you can ruthlessly fuck them and move on. Odder still that sex often isn’t made more interesting for more sexualities than a heterosexual male with something to prove.

In Oblivion you could bribe a woman to fall in love with you, in Dragon Age you can just give men and women gifts until they succumb to your… ‘charm’. The pursuit of orgasms is a win/lose state, and that’s it. That’s true of FuckQuest. However, at least in FuckQuest the sex itself is an actual process, even if it is awkwardly mechanical. It doesn’t say anything profound about sex, and it’s certainly the most boring way of articulating a sexual process, but there is something still…naughty and graphic about it. The in-and-outs are considered. It’s slower than your usual sex. It’s… a disembodied penis with a purpose.

Oh, we slept together, deal with it, I’m off to become champion of the arena. BYE.

You can pick up FuckQuest for a mere zero dollars. It’s a classic.

Have an excellent French video about videogame sex.

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78 Comments »

  1. FurryLippedSquid says:

    Delightful!

  2. Devilturnip says:

    I am offended that Ms. Ellison apparently believes my disembodied penis to be purposeless.

  3. Keiggo says:

    I wonder at what point I became the sort of person who would think “Oh, that looks a bit rude”.

    Wah! I want to enjoy the silly willies!

    • Syra says:

      I was never the kind of person who enjoyed silly willies. At school I didn’t draw a single one like every other weird schoolboy.

      I take my willy very seriously. So seriously that I call it a penis.

  4. Low Life says:

    Zero dollars? This game’s worth at least twice that.

  5. Fred S. says:

    I look forward to Cara’s exploration of the emotional range of Japanese ero-games.

    • Ragnar says:

      She could pick up where Leigh Alexander left off. It would actually be kinda awesome.

    • The Random One says:

      I know you’re being sarcastic but I’d like to see that too. I mean, Something Awful’s was funny, and literally anything is better than they are!

    • MaXimillion says:

      I sure wouldn’t mind seeing RPS coverage of games with sex in them that are actually good, rather than terrible crap like this or Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars that have a few pixelated dicks or boobs as their only feature of note.

  6. Turkey says:

    Does this game have a boss key? This is very important!

  7. Wang Tang says:

    But it’s odd that videogames have not really moved on from this model of ‘romance’ where you feed a person gifts until you can ruthlessly fuck them and move on.

    There’s nothing odd about that, especially in games which don’t have relationships as their main subject. Relationships are complex beasts in reality – modelling something like that must be hell (and not even really possible) in code.
    Also as most of the players don’t show open contempt with the used formula, it won’t change in the near future very much.

    I also do not understand this sentiment:

    Odder still that sex often isn’t made more interesting for more sexualities than a heterosexual male with something to prove.

    It may be regrettable, but again, nothing odd about that. Videogames are only part of our (“western”) society, which is still largely (heterosexual) male-centric. So the line of thought may well be, “When there is no marketing research showing substantial demand for having different types of sex and relationships, why bother the effort, time and money?”.

    This will only slowly change, and should be cause for concern – but not astonishment.

    • Cara Ellison says:

      I should point out that Christine Love’s games are often based on relationships between people, often not straight people, and are super SUPER excellent. Look her up on steam. I love everything she does.

      Also check out this thing about the BEST free sex games I wrote for IGN if you would like further reading on the subject. http://uk.ign.com/articles/2013/06/06/six-of-the-best-free-games-about-sex

      • Wang Tang says:

        I skimmed a few articles about Love’s games, but am usually put of by the art style, which is just a non-favorite of mine :/

        Thanks for the link to the IGN article.

        My point still stands that one should not be too puzzled about the sort of treatment relationships in general get in games, some exceptions notwithstanding.

      • OMMad says:

        Thanks for the link to your article on IGN, Cara. I should’ve known better than to read the comments.

    • Swanny says:

      Relationships are complex beasts in reality – modelling something like that must be hell (and not even really possible) in code.

      As a student about to graduate with an engineering and physics degrees, I’d state modeling physics must be as hard or harder than, say, modeling a dozen or so believable personalities for a dating/sex/etc. game. I think a crowd might be impossible, but maybe with a little fluid dynamics…anyway.

      I think the reason it hasn’t happened is deeper- look at who is doing the coding in video games- mostly men. I don’t want to make assumptions here, but I believe it can be proven, on average, that women understand relationships better than men (men get a nice +15% str bonus, though). I think, that as more women get into coding video games, believable relationships will just condense out of that.

      I quite enjoy the niche Cara is carving here at RPS, and the debates she’s stirring up.

      • Wang Tang says:

        As a math/cs student who just graduated, I believe that hard sciences like physics can be much more easily implemented than stuff which is analyzed by psychologists or sociologists ;)
        At least the imminent observable features.

        But then, I know almost nothing about physics, and even less about psychology, so… :D
        I agree with you on the coder issue, and would argue that often relationships which are not as frequent as man-woman (male-female? please save the attacks, I’m not a native english speaker and am not enough informed about the difference, i.e. which expressions covers which forms of living) relationships are “simply” overlooked (see Massive Chalice for an example where they were brought to realize that and are planning to change it). Slowly, homosexual relationships are being a thing that exists in games, and other forms will follow; society only moves slowly. But it moves! I was shocked to hear that even the new Pope doesn’t outright condemn homosexuality, instead condemns it a tiny bit less than the old one :D

        I would contest this thought though: “women understand relationships better than men”.

        • Takeda says:

          I would say women understand men better than men understand women (as a general observation) but neither truly understands the other.

        • Tukuturi says:

          As a student in the social sciences, I would like to add that people are really quite simple. We only like to think that we are complex and difficult to model because it makes us feel special, and we are special, but not for that reason.

          • nrvsNRG says:

            We only like to think that we are complex and difficult to model because it makes us feel special, and we are special, but not for that reason

            Nicely put :)

      • belgand says:

        Managing a dozen or so people for a sex game, however, quickly becomes a physics/engineering problem.

      • belgand says:

        Modeling relationships is ridiculously complex compared to something with consistent, observable rules. Humans have been trying to figure out relationships for thousands upon thousands of years and we’re still not always that good at it. Not to mention the issue of how to provide challenge or define win states.

        So in the end almost anything is either ridiculously simple or heavily scripted and with little player agency where things work out the way the designer views they would and only gives you the choices they manage to think of.

        Even the games that don’t come down to “give gifts to person to improve relationship” are usually little more than “manage who you will spend time with to improve relationship”. Quite frequently with some dialogue options that are either “remember something they said before” or “guess what the designer thinks you should say here”. It’s a math problem, a quiz and an organizational simulator that isn’t terribly complex. There’s also usually little reason why you can’t hang out with two friends at once or explain to someone that you’ve honestly been rather busy lately and haven’t had a chance to spend time together.

      • crinkles esq. says:

        Not just “men” who are making these games, but barely-adult men who are usually inexperienced in relationships and women in general. And it goes along with the male power fantasy trope that especially pervades the fantasy RPG genre.

  8. GernauMorat says:

    That french video is excellent, cheers Cara

  9. Kefren says:

    I think The Sims games have moved on from that – getting a character into bed is often only the start of something long and grinding. (I.E. a career and buying ever-more-powerful toasters).

  10. VindicatorSteve says:

    Oh, we slept together, deal with it, I’m off to become champion of the arena. BYE.

    And here I was thinking you were reviewing a game that wasn’t The Witcher, and then I read that …

  11. solymer89 says:

    What you don’t understand
    Is I make love to my hand
    So I don’t need you honey!
    I beat my d*ck like it owes me money!

  12. Elementlmage says:

    THIS is why I come to RPS, because any other major games site would have never sat through the proposal for such an article, let alone publish it or allow the writer in question to continue their employment. Well played!

    I think I’ll skip this one though. I find the idea of disembodied penis sex to be a bit, off putting…

  13. realmenhuntinpacks says:

    OO flippin ERR! Matronnnnn!!!!!

  14. Jenks says:

    “But it’s odd that videogames have not really moved on from this model of ‘romance’ where you feed a person gifts until you can ruthlessly fuck them and move on.”

    Haha, romance, so adorable.

    • JackShandy says:

      Ah, reminds me of my school days. Training CHA in the bar weeknights, chopping wood every weekday, down to the shops every Saturday to buy 20 chocolate boxes, then church on sundays to get rid of the SIN penalty. I was the maximally efficient lover.

      Alas, it was all in vain. I went for thigh stroke-nipple tweak-crotch grab. How could I have known she wanted nipple tweak-thigh stroke-crotch grab? Her meter went red. We never spoke again.

  15. Moraven says:

    There are good and bad JRPGs that revolve around working on your relationship status with various women. The result is usually the ability to craft or obtain better weapons/abilities. And sex is never a part of the game unlike Western RPGs.

  16. LennyLeonardo says:

    Dear Cara, at the beginning of your post you appeared to describe Adam from the TV series Girls. If you haven’t, you should watch it right now. It’s incredible, and so is Adam.

    • Cara Ellison says:

      Actually I sort of disliked him. I thought he was a bit of a wanker. Would not hit that. I prefer Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec. I bet he would hate me after sex and never call.

      • belgand says:

        Nah, he would be adorably awkward after sex and then not call due to Concerns. The only question really is: Batman suit or not?

  17. Faxmachinen says:

    Excellent article. I’ve been wishing for more reviews of rude games since Leigh Alexander started (and subsequently neglected) the Busy Hands tag at Escapist.

  18. Branthog says:

    God damn, this is exactly what “adult” games were in the late 80s. So awful.

  19. MadTinkerer says:

    Might as well link to the Let’s Play I saw of this ages ago: Let’s Play Shorties F#@% Quest with PushingUpRoses and OanCitizen. One of the all-time most hilarious Let’s Plays I’ve ever seen.

    You and me, baby, we ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel!

    • Fomorian1988 says:

      God yes. This was Roses’ funniest shortie, and with my favorite TGWTG/Chez Apocalypse reviewer, too. Kyle’s the man.

  20. Anthile says:

    Dude, mechanical spoilers.

  21. waltC says:

    What excites living human beings about cartoon sex adventures is one of those eternal, never ending questions wrapped in wet and slimy enigmas. (Or, was that “enemas”?)

    I was never a fan of LSL.

  22. rustybroomhandle says:

    Cara, you should interview Brenda Romero on the topic of sex in games. Bet she’ll have plenty to say.

    • Cara Ellison says:

      I did once try to but she was moving house recently – she is a super busy smart lady. I met her for the first time at GDC this year. She’s the legend everyone says she is.

  23. ruaidhri.k says:

    apropos to not much this is on sale on amazon by someone called Cara Ellison

    http://www.amazon.com/At-Any-Cost-ebook/dp/B0084HWDCE

    shome mishtake shurely ….

    • cowardly says:

      Not sure if you were wanting a response and whatnot, but unless our Cara has beeing scandalously lying about her Scottish credentials and is in fact a Yank living in a Victorian house in England, you’ve got the wrong Cara.

  24. cdx00 says:

    I like your articles when you’re not intentionally trying to be edgy. Seriously, your work WHERE YOU DO NOT TYPE LIKE THIS AND USE INTERNET EUPHEMISMS SUCH AS ‘HURR HURR’ and TRYING TO BE FUNNY WITH THE INTERNET MEMES is deplorable. Given the context of this game, I guess it is fitting — but seriously, why even write an article over this time?

  25. C0ntnu1ty says:

    How dare you say that games have not improved from ending in fucking!

    What about my Femshep and her tragic love for a moribund lizard assassin monk? I’ll have you know even as a 6″1′ goliath of beard and too much homebrew ale I went all “English Patient” style weepy when she said a prayer at his deathbed! Even though I am romantically indifferent to both men and lizards I could totally get her being all tummy butterfly over Thane.

    That said F**kQuest is still a loud getting to the point of where most games are going with romance but cant because the WalMart goblins still think videogames are SNES cartridges that kids used to teeth with.

  26. Phasma Felis says:

    Cara, you are everything RPS never realized it needed until now. Never change.

  27. Timmytoby says:

    I love that French video. That part with the Sims crystal made me spray my coffee all over my screen.

    Don’t speak a lick of French, but will watch all of their stuff now with subtitles.

  28. Keiggo says:

    Don’t start that line of thinking, you’ll bring out the alpha in us al!

  29. apocraphyn says:

    Probably applies to half the readers of this site, to be fair. I honestly doubt you exhibit the “hate sexual partner immediately after sex” attribute though – somehow I can’t imagine someone that behaves in such a manner would use any emoticons in their text, let alone a crying one.

    My sincere apologies if you do present this behaviour, however.

  30. Cara Ellison says:

    Only heartless bastards hate someone after sex. I am some sort of MAGNET to them

  31. Cara Ellison says:

    *Possibly a shitty lay

  32. gunny1993 says:

    Long marriages that display this trait are just people trying to give each other cancer via passive smoking … the long game

  33. Low Life says:

    I would certainly hate anyone who smoked in my apartment, sexual partner or not.

  34. DrScuttles says:

    Some of us are a little arse over tit and just exude the hate before. But then bedding for a single bed is cheaper so I guess I win in the end.

  35. JamesTheNumberless says:

    You mean we’re not supposed to leave immediately either? I thought the female would devour us if we didn’t.

  36. Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    You’re safe until she dislocates her jaw to swallow you whole. That makes a distinctive loud clacking sound, so as long as you’re a light sleeper you’ll be fine to stay as long as you like.

  37. engion3 says:

    They dislocate their jaw to swallow something else. AMIRITE?!!

    I’m so lonely…

  38. Guvornator says:

    Awww, I think those are genuinely the saddest two posts I’ve ever seen on this website. Poor Cara.

  39. Syra says:

    I just hate everyone!

    All the time!

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