STOP TELLING US THINGS ABOUT SPLINTER CELL

By Nathan Grayson on August 10th, 2013 at 11:00 am.

This is what it's come to, Ubisoft. You made me do this.

Do you like green goggles and Sam?

I do not like them, Sam-Fisher-I-am.

Would you like more Splinter Cell: Blacklist trailers here or there? In a house? With a mouse? Would you watch them in a box? With a fox? 

I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere. I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I would not watch them in a box. I would not watch them with a fox. I do not like green goggles and Sam. I do not like them because you’ve released so many goddamn trailers, Sam-Fisher-I-am.

Oh. Well, here’s another that pretty much accomplishes what all the others did, but more succinctly and in a single go. Tehehehehehe. 

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.

So there’s that. It sums up everything about Splinter Cell: Blacklist. Story, abilities, gadgets, various levels of stealthiness, co-op, spies vs mercs, and so on and so on and so on foreverrrrrrrrrrrr. Can Ubisoft please stop releasing a new trailer every week now? Will there even be anything left to discover when we actually, you know, play the game?

Also, I still want a game about Ghost Panther, the greatest hero of our time. He’d eat Sam Fisher for breakfast like so many ectoplasmically glowing green eggs and ham.

Splinter Cell: Blacklist will be out on August 23rd. That is very soon. May it finally spell an end to this collective international trailer nightmare.

Oh man, I just realized that Ubisoft hasn’t released anything titled “launch trailer” yet. Fuck.

, .

60 Comments »

  1. FurryLippedSquid says:

    Same with Assassin’s Creed, I’m so sick of seeing it plastered everywhere that I have no interest in it at all.

  2. Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

    When I saw overtly humorous humor being used in this article I almost flew into an uncontrollable rage. Then just in time, I noticed that the author is male.

    • tormos says:

      if only there was a karma button on RPS posts.
      EDIT
      to clarify, you would have ALL THE KARMA

    • Megakoresh says:

      I don’t get the joke. Capitan Obvious? Help?

      • Leb says:

        I had a well written funny answer for this but was sent to the Castle Shotgun 404 page.

        so TL:DR …. When Cara Ellison writes silly articles there are usually a few commenters who pipe up and say “I do not like when people are funny, especially if this funny includes references to gender or sex, thus from this point forward I will never read RPS again.”

        • Megakoresh says:

          K, thanks, cap!

        • rockman29 says:

          But I thought nerds are too smart to be sexist?

          • Geen says:

            We’re not all nerds. I have heard rumors, that from the dark depths of their mother’s basements, the dreaded neckbeards have been emerging into our comments and corrupting them with their dark spew.

    • cdx00 says:

      I could have swore that Cara posted this also

    • Geen says:

      You win one free internet.

  3. Syra says:

    I duno, I could use some more trailers to make my mind up.

  4. redredredguy says:

    It’s a shame they killed off Sam Fisher and replaced him with this new guy.

  5. Beernut says:

    By this time, I feel like I have completed multiple playthroughs of this game and know everything about it. Time to move on, maybe I’ll replay it in a couple of years, but for now I’m under the impression that I’ve experienced everything Splinter Cell had to offer.

  6. Velko says:

    Umm. Ubi doesn’t force anyone to write about the trailers, no?

    • MarcP says:

      It’s almost as if journalists are chasing page views.

      Except we know this isn’t how it is on RPS, because… because they tell us so (I haven’t yet understood how “we don’t do this because we don’t do this” is a valid line of argumentation for anything, but that’s probably due to my limited white man intellect).

      So RPS doesn’t chase hits. So this site is run by closet masochists.

      • Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

        The key word there being “limited” rather than “white” or “man”, right?..

        • gi_ty says:

          Just ignore the white man part it only serves to confuse the issue of a rather obvious limited intellect.

    • Stochastic says:

      When you have to post something new about the games industry every hour on the hour, trailers end up getting posted. And yes, of course RPS are after page views. They wouldn’t be able to do their jobs otherwise and write the meatier articles and interviews we all come here for.

  7. Professor Snake says:

    It looks like they are trying too hard to convince the hardcore fans that the game has gone back to its roots.

  8. mda says:

    Looks terrible.

    Also of note:

    “You know it.”

    and:

    Cool dudes don’t look at the guy they’ve just killed. (twice)

  9. Premium User Badge RedViv says:

    I don’t think there are many other things that make me as suspicious as this constant PR assault with LOOK IT’S LIKE YOU WANT IT AND HERE’S STUFF YOU KNOW FROM EARLIER material does.

    • KenTWOu says:

      That’s understandable, because several previews probably based on old builds mentioned waves of enemies here and there. But youtube walkthroughs proved that waves of enemies aren’t there and you can completely avoid reinforcements if you didn’t raise an alert. That’s why they’re trying so hard, they’re trying to fix their own mistakes.

  10. realitysconcierge says:

    It doesn’t seem like you’re having a very good day Nathan. Still hilarious though.

  11. fitzroy_doll says:

    :D

  12. Rumpel says:

    “with a mouse, people! now thats messed up!”

  13. bill says:

    STOP POSTING ABOUT SPLINTER CELL TRAILERS ON RPS.

    Problem fixed.

    While you are at it, stop posting about new trailers all-together, unless they are something new/special/amazing/absolutely terrible.

    • The Random One says:

      I gotta say, I agree with this point of view. Calladoody does similar trailer assaults as their Novemberfest approaches, but you guys only post two or three trailers along the year because we’re all cool people here and don’t care about boring manshootiness. So why does Splinter Cell get special treatment? Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t give a rotten cloaca about this series and you feel that if you do not cover these trailers all your precious audience will go away?

      • tormos says:

        I think the difference is that splinter cells in the past have been games that people here liked, so there was some reason to think that they might want to know about this one.

  14. Dr I am a Doctor says:

    STOP BEING A HUGE BABY

  15. Shadrach says:

    “… from the CIA, NSA, DCS, FBI…” – but mosly BS.

  16. kevmscotland says:

    I’ll try, but as a long time fan of SC (up to conviction anyway) I’ll try to summarize my feelings.

    Here goes:

    MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh!

  17. Danda says:

    I don’t care if they have 500 trailers. No Ironside, no deal.

  18. BreadBitten says:

    I’ll be honest, the game looks like it could be a good deal of fun, but I wish there was a version that stripped off all the narrative trappings (that includes characters, events, voice over, etc.) because it looks like the game is going to town on them tropes. I seriously cannot be the only one who wished to be able to put a bullet in Ubisoft’s sickeningly morbid rendition of the popular Michael Cera/Jesse Eisenberg trope yammering away about the game’s features to “Sam”, if that’s even his real name.

    • Sparkasaurusmex says:

      You see it too?
      Jessie Eisenberg and Michael Cera are the same thing.

  19. omNOMinator says:

    Protip: if you want them to stop releasing trailers, then stop reporting on them every time they release a trailer.

    • Sparkasaurusmex says:

      This is probably true. When it comes to AAA massive marketing any press is good press.

  20. Premium User Badge liquidsoap89 says:

    And yet, I haven’t watched a single minute of video footage of this game, despite having more of that released than any other game I can think of…

    I still have to play through Pandora Tomorrow and up, so I’ve got a long way to go until I get to this game.

  21. Don Reba says:

    Splinter Cell: Blacklist will be out on August 23rd. That is very soon.

    NO IT IS NOT. That’s almost the end of summer, pal. That’s ages away.

  22. jonahcutter says:

    You do realize that by the end of the poem, he ends up LOVING green eggs and ham.

  23. Premium User Badge Ninja Dodo says:

    Given that there have been several games that have done this correctly, I really wonder why Ubisoft chooses to go with a realistic visual style but still uses plastic shaders from 2007 for skin. Subsurface scattering, you guys.

  24. Megakoresh says:

    This seems like a nice game to play in Coop. Are the coop missions same as Story missions like in DS3 or separate (if they are separate that kinda means less coop content)?

    • KenTWOu says:

      There are 13 single player missions and 14 co-op missions (~9 of them single player too).

      • Megakoresh says:

        Alrighty. Though 13 missions for an entire AAA game seems kinda weaksauce…

        • KenTWOu says:

          13+9 and it’s not a weaksauce, it’s a very big number for a stealth game.

  25. Discopanda says:

    SHIT IS SO STEALTH, YO!

  26. ZX k1cka55 48K says:

    Is it me or does the game looks worse than the previous games did? Its probably because they want to release it on WiiU as well…

    Well anyway, without Mr Ironside, Sam not looking like Sam and the series going steep downhill after amazing chaos theory, i don’t really give any damn.

  27. Scumbag says:

    If you take all the Blacklist trailers plus promo material and put them back-to-back, how much longer then the full game will it be?

  28. Geen says:

    If you’ll excuse me I’m off to replay Metal Gear Solid 3 again to try to convince myself there can actually be good stealth games.