By Craig Pearson on September 18th, 2013 at 8:00 am.
[coffin opens] Hello! Hello? Can you… no, obviously you can’t. Someone has set the dry ice machine all the way up to nimbostratus. I clearly specified cirriform! Fine! We’ll just let it clea – [sound of fan being switched on]. Really? This is amateur hour. Honestly… Well, at least I can read the autocue. Can they see me? Good. VELCOME! Aha-ha-ha-haaaa! Ha! Tis I, Plague Fearsome. I am your g[ho]u[l]ide on this DEADLY JOURNEY into the HEArT of HoRRor and broken k£yboard$. We have The Evil Within trailer for you. It puts “demon” in “demonstration”, and the “er” in “trailer”. For that is the noise I made when I watched this collection of eldritch cliches, this midnight gathering of unscary moments, this fl
eash video of awkward peril. Follow me as I drop to the paragraph below to escape its blunt and ticklish claws… [Wilhelm scream]
[Wilhelm landing] You can tell this horror trailer didn’t work on me (or John or Adam) because the pale and clammy dwellers of the Forbidden Chatroom of Mystery ended up discussing its representation of door hinges: John thinks the hinges seen at 1.15 are on the wrong way. We are some of the meekest people on Earth. I once got so scared by Paranormal Activity that I had to leave the lights on in my old house. I still get chills installing System Shock 2. So when we’re mocking it, when we are pointing out scenes that we’ve seen a hundred times before (a scary mental hospital, missing people, piles of bodies, security cam footage, people appearing BEHIND YOU, scratchy fake film stock, that end monster), then maybe you’ve leaned a little heavily on the tropes?
I think it’ll be well made, and it might even have a couple of jump scares that will give some Let’s Players something to scream about, but I currently remain resolutely unaffected by what I just watched.
[squeal]. See? That cat just jumped out at me and I didn’t even flinch. It’s out next year.