PC: The Review

By John Walker on November 13th, 2013 at 4:30 pm.

The day has finally arrived! Rock, Paper, Shotgun’s review of the PC can finally be unveiled…



 

This joke works a bit better on a PC, with Flash, I’m afraid.

 
 

With apologies to Polygon.

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247 Comments »

  1. bit_crusherrr says:

    10.5? Fucking PC shills. How much did they pay you for this?

    • RaveTurned says:

      105% of the monies.

    • akstro says:

      AND they dont even have any launchday excusives. Fuck this shit Im gonna stick to my current gen iPad.

      • Sakkura says:

        Sure they do. Microsoft Flight Simulator 1.0 for example.

        (okay, not actually launch day, but relatively close)

      • frightlever says:

        Minesweeper? Free Cell?

        Why’d they stop bundling a Pinball game with Windows?

        • Don Reba says:

          The pinball game was lost in transition to 64 bits. Here is the story.

          http://blogs.msdn.com/b/oldnewthing/archive/2012/12/18/10378851.aspx

          The 64-bit version of Pinball had a pretty nasty bug where the ball would simply pass through other objects like a ghost. In particular, when you started the game, the ball would be delivered to the launcher, and then it would slowly fall towards the bottom of the screen, through the plunger, and out the bottom of the table.

          Games tended to be really short.

          Two of us tried to debug the program to figure out what was going on, but given that this was code written several years earlier by an outside company, and that nobody at Microsoft ever understood how the code worked (much less still understood it), and that most of the code was completely uncommented, we simply couldn’t figure out why the collision detector was not working. Heck, we couldn’t even find the collision detector!

          • LionsPhil says:

            What I don’t get is why they would have to do that, given Pinball was a 32-bit executable, and those still run under 64-bit Windows (even the unloved XP 64). You can copy it off an XP box and have it run under 7, although in my experience the performance was dreadful for some reason, which I would more readily point a finger toward the new DWM/Aero/etc. stuff than the WoW64 layer. :/

            Edit: Oh, there was a first comment on that, it just needed JavaScript to show because…reasons.

        • LionsPhil says:

          I believe Windows 1 only shipped with Reversi.

          And that’s not really the launch of the PC. DOS, man.

        • drewski says:

          There’s a reasonable MS pinball game in the Windows 8 app store, although only the first table is free.

          Not really worth using Windows 8 for, mind.

        • Malcolm says:

          It’s back admittedly as a free download rather than as being bundled, but still.

    • Gap Gen says:

      RPS are in the pocket of Big PC.

      Big PC is a friendly giant that carries people around in his shirt pockets. It’s pretty sweet.

    • Baines says:

      Not so impressive if it is being graded on a 100 point scale.

  2. melnificent says:

    But is it Next-gen enough?

  3. Chillz says:

    Shockingly good drawing skills.

  4. wavedash says:

    Game of the year, surely.

  5. Viscera says:

    Well, at least, it’s easy to tell what’s your lamest article now. I pity everyone who actually thinks that this is funny.

  6. zachforrest says:

    Yeah but how much of pixels are there? How many megaframes per minute?

  7. yurusei says:

    It makes the most business sense.

    Like so.

  8. Nenjin says:

    Three cheers for more worthwhile, hard-hitting journalism.

  9. stoopiduk says:

    The background is an ad I have to scroll through. My word.

  10. Jesus_Phish says:

    The lads over at Videogamer also made a video making fun of Polygon for their review. I’m sure on both parties (VG and RPS) it’s all in good fun.

    Funny though that two websites that look very similar and use a blog-roll approach to their content are making fun of one of the few websites pushing forward and presenting themselves in a new way.

    *EDIT*

    Obviously I wasn’t clear. I don’t think Polygon is at all a great site, their content or their layout. But they certainly don’t skimp when it comes to presentation. That’s all I was trying to say and I think people are trying to read into my words a bit too much.

    • grechzoo says:

      New way?

      Okay their site is pretty i guess…thats it…its pretty, sums up polygon as a whole. its bland, the same old blandness of every other mainstream review site.

      there is nothing edgy, nothing interesting and nothing new in any of their words. they just have the same old journalists writing about games in the same old way on a pretty looking new website.

      people SHOULD be pointing it out. this review just proves everything i said above. How do you give a score to a piece of hardware that isn’t even out yet, consoles are by their very nature successful after they get an audience and a back catalogue. they are nothing without those two, and they are reviewing it when it has neither.

      I dont mind a write-up on a console specs and features, but a scored review is just pathetic and sums up polygon as a whole.

      • klmx says:

        I use Polygon for my day-to-day gaming news because of just that, it’s pretty and bland. Never a fan of their reviews, no (*cough*SimCity*cough*), but you have to give it to them, the long feature articles are outstanding

        And yeah RPS is “old-style” compared to those features and stuff like that. Their sister site, The Verge, pretty much revolutionized the whole “I LUV GADGETS” scene with their feature articles and such. It’s just something else compared to a simple blog such as this one (and don’t get me wrong I love RPS for it’s silly ways)

        • rockman29 says:

          Polygon has frequently, and specifically Arthur Gies, have been using their “journalistic titles” to harass Sony in favour of the Xbox brand.

          The amount of BS Agies has spouted about the Sony branded systems, even the PS4 as earlier as the beginning of this year with FUD comments about the performance relative to the new Xbox… and the contempt he has shown for his own colleagues on many occasions, or the fact that Polygon accepted a $750,000 grant from Microsoft…

          They are blatantly biased and put little effort into hiding it, against Sony and their products. Their 5/10 review, a score reserved for next to utterly broken games, was given to Killzone Shadowfall for the sake of hits.

          They are an embarrassment to the gaming community, despite their other programming that isn’t related to them actively trying to disparage the Sony and PlayStation brands in favour of Xbox.

        • Tams80 says:

          I can’t stand any Vox publications. The Polygon is bland and boring; I much prefer Kotaku (though Eurogamer and of obviously RPS are on my reading list). The Verge I absolutely can’t stand. I find the reviewers obnoxious and far too often ignorant (the worst was their Nokia 808 PureView review; an absolute joke).

          Both are unnecessarily bloated design wise. Yes, I do use Opera (Presto), but even with more popular browsers their sites are slow.

    • demicanadian says:

      “One big fullscreen image/animation above pinterest style (I think it’s pinterest style) post in not new way. It’s been haunting desing for some time now.

    • cqdemal says:

      “Presenting themselves in a new way” doesn’t mean anything when a large amount of the content being served up is so dry and lifeless. Polygon’s feature articles are outstanding, but the day-to-day site content is so dry that I usually just read the news from other sites.

      Also, and this is going deeper into the personal opinion territory, I think quite a number Polygon reviews are intentionally scored too high or too low to generate clicks. Just a feeling. I do like it when they try to use the full 10-point scale, but sometimes it just feels like pandering.

      • I Got Pineapples says:

        I thought it was just me thinking that. I don’t usually buy into that sort of conspiracy theory but that is seriously the vibe I’ve been getting off Polygon for a while now and it’s gotten consistent enough that your sort of can anticipate when they’re going to do it. It feels like in particular they tend to give lower marks to fringier games that are highly anticipated by their particular niche.

        • Grygus says:

          We could test this feeling. Are you predicting low scores for Grim Dawn and Star Citizen, for example?

          • I Got Pineapples says:

            Star Citizen, no. Because that won’t be a review of the game itself so much as a review of the game being community funded.

            Grim Dawn…maybe. Actually, yeah. I’m gonna go with lower for that, depending if they give path of exile a good review or not.

        • rockman29 says:

          Polygon has actively been doing this for awhile, particularly on scoring Sony platform titles low.

          The explanation for a 5/10 score on a high profile game from Sony in KZ Shadowfall? Clicks and attention to their site.

          • cqdemal says:

            Especially the 7.5/10 score handed to The Last of Us. High enough to maintain credibility, low enough to stand out from the 9.5s and 10s (which, in my view, the game thoroughly deserves).

          • I Got Pineapples says:

            I can see not giving every AAA game a 9 or whatever, but that Last of Us review and score was a genuinely odd thing. If there actually was a AAA game that deserved it’s initial rush of hype, it was Last of Us,

      • Jesus_Phish says:

        I can’t remember where it was, but on youtube somewhere there’s a video of a presentation that the Rev 3 guys gave where they explain how you review a game without having played it and how different sites will react to different games. They too joked about how if you’re writing for Polygon you take the average score and subtract or add 2.5 to it just to be different.

      • SkittleDiddler says:

        I can certainly appreciate Polygon’s willingness to update their per-game reviews to reflect ongoing changes in development (something that’s sorely missing from games journalism), but the majority of their content is extremely shallow — you can pretty much count on what it’s going to consist of before you even click the link. Typical industry sycophantism.

        I really can’t stand the design of their website either.

        EDIT: Wow, I just went back to Polygon and read that “review” of the PS4. Not counting the tacked-on score at the end, the entire piece looks and feels like a giant press release. I hope the money Polygon got from Sony goes to something worthwhile. Maybe they can buy off their independence or something.

    • Gap Gen says:

      Link?

    • Jason Moyer says:

      Polygon could be written by Ernest Hemmingway and Douglas Adams and I couldn’t be arsed to read the thing because the layout is so completely non-functional. There’s a reason the mostly text article summary–>click to expand article format is so widely used and it’s because it works.

      Polygon is the Macintosh of gaming websites. Congratulations on finding a use for your graphic design degree, but what is your function exactly.

    • Axess Denyd says:

      Their presentation definitely means I won’t be going back there.

      That is one of the most annoying sites to look at since the animated GIF craze ended.

  11. Soulstrider says:

    I can’t wait for PCOne

  12. Turin Turambar says:

    What are you apologizing?
    It’s Polygon we are talking about here.

    When they cut funding ties with one of the main companies they review for, maybe it will start to be relevant. Maybe.

  13. Sakkura says:

    Aww, I thought something cool was going to happen if I copied the sequence on that Polygon page.

    • cthulhie says:

      Yes! Me too! And when that didn’t do anything, I was like, “Wait, maybe the Konami code would work here.” And then as I started working out what would be analogous to A and B, it suddenly occurred to me that WHAT AM I DOING

  14. db1331 says:

    10.5? How many Doritos out of how many Mountain Dews is that?

  15. kaputt says:

    Nice. I’ve just bought a R9 280X to be my “next-gen” upgrade for this Christmas. It will arrive later today, can’t wait.

    I think it’s a better option to clean my backlog, since the new consoles won’t be retrocompatible.

  16. RedViv says:

    Plus, I can go into a store and buy one! Outside of the Land of Freedom! And it has games, too! Crazy!

  17. Ich Will says:

    Never change, not ever!

  18. Anthile says:

    You can actually type the Konami code into that Polygon thing. I feel clever now.

  19. Stellar Duck says:

    I broke my selfimposed rule of not reading Polygon (I can’t remember why I imposed it but it was probably Arthur Gies who made me do it. Guy’s a tosser) and damn, I don’t like the format. I even had to scroll through an ad.

    Nah, I’ll stay on RPS, as ever.

  20. Melonfodder says:

    The Polygon article feels so overdesigned, it’s almost painful. Am I watching an advert? It kind of feels like it.

  21. amateurviking says:

    Reads like a 7…

    • Press X to Gary Busey says:

      Please… [insert rabid rabble rabble] … a 6.99999999998 at most. I now declare jihad on House Amateurviking.

  22. NeyPo says:

    you got me, you’re so good !
    It’s so true !
    Let’s vote for PC, the best machine to play : http://worldversus.com/PC-vs-Consoles

  23. lomaxgnome says:

    Totally sold me, where does the line start?

  24. Insaneg33k says:

    Have you seen the controller for this? Motion Control and classic buttons. This thing blows the others out of the water!

  25. TT says:

    That´s some proper Trolling!
    The Polygon review is beautiful looking but even thoug I could´t be arsed to read it

    • Gap Gen says:

      I admit when people include a number at the end my instinct to scroll right down and just read the number is too strong.

      • DrScuttles says:

        Hmm. May I propose my ultimate plan: Scuttlesvidyagames.com. A new kind of web­site, built on new tech­nol­ogy, backed by a new kind of media com­pany. Its design­ers hope that the new tech­nol­ogy dri­ving it will turn web pub­lish­ing on its ear. Its founders, soon to be some of the most accom­plished jour­nal­ists work­ing in the medium, plan a new kind of video game review.
        No words. No justification. No accountability. Just a score.

        Who’s with me?

  26. tomeoftom says:

    That Polygon PS4 review is shockingly high-budget. Their web team is amazing. It’s such a waste! The very idea of assigning a numeric score to a console at this point is so utterly ludicrous.

    • bwrrp says:

      I do love their art team’s insightful source comments, especially the “Square Screen Thing (idk what this is)” in the image just above the video. :)

  27. DickSocrates says:

    Polygon has some good people working for it, yet the final product is far too up its own arse to be taken seriously. I’m not sure there’s a single website that presents games properly, but the fashionista approach is the furthest from the truth and the least representative of the audience. Might be time to reread Crecente’s tour of his home for a good laugh.

  28. Don Reba says:

    10.5% sounds unduly harsh. Does it mean PC is dead? :(

  29. Gemsa says:

    now the Xbox One will be easier to draw – its just a big black box. Polygon is a great website to look at but not to read- so humourless

  30. Fitzmogwai says:

    Pitiful. I have one of these “PCs” in front of me now: A measly 1.8 GHz single core processor. A GPU that doesn’t even support DX9. 512 Mb of RAM. I’m frankly amazed that there’s actually an ethernet connection on it and I don’t have to dial up with a 56k modem to get online. Windows 98. Genuinely: Windows bloody 98!

    And you score that a 10.5?

    Shameful, John Walker. Just shameful.

  31. ZackRoyer says:

    Hah, better than GTA V on most gaming advertisement news websites!

  32. DantronLesotho says:

    PCs = 3 letters
    PCs still great = 3 words
    10.5 = 3 digits

    Half Life 3 confirmed.

  33. Freud says:

    Obviously an inflated score in exchange for the exclusive review.

  34. hypercrisis says:

    So Polygon finally disappeared up their own arse. This makes Doritosgate palatable

  35. Clement says:

    What version of the “PC” are you using? My version looks nothing like that picture.

  36. Psymon says:

    I just pre-ordered one based on this review.

  37. Sigh says:

    I also appreciate how Tom Chick has been re-reviewing “The Secret World” every day this week and giving it a new score each day as a response to Polygon’s review score updates/changes.

    Polygon’s technique:

    Sim City 2013 (launch day): 9.5 Awesome! Best game ever!
    Sim City 2013 (1 day later): 4.5 Ummm maybe something something is wrong.

    • Grygus says:

      That sounds terrible, but then I realize this is exactly how I think about games myself. If you asked me on launch day how Rome II was, I would have gushed about all the things that are good about it. If you ask me today, I’d tell you to wait for a deep discount and more patches, and most of our talk would be about the things that are wrong with it. Now obviously I’m not a journalist and nobody wants reviewers to write like I think, but my point is that maybe it’s not a bad thing that a site realizes that, over time, how good a game is CAN change.

      • thekelvingreen says:

        Which is why the race to get the first review out is so counter-productive in most cases. Unless you’re going to review the basic mechanics or the flashy stuff in the first couple of hours, you need more time to get the feel for a game than you do with some other media. On the other hand no one’s going to wait until they’ve put in forty hours of play before they review the thing so it’ll never change.

        • Deadly Sinner says:

          I hardly ever read Polygon, but I’m fairly certain that the score change was a direct response to the massive server problems that the game had that led to people not being able to play their game. One extra day would not be enough time to completely change your opinion of the core game itself.

          I’m not sure about Polygon’s specific implementation, but I completely support the idea of review updates. It’s not 2003. Games these days are ever-changing. What scores would Fallout: New Vegas get today, considering that it was lambasted on release for its bugs (which have since been mostly fixed?) What scores would Team Fortress 2 receive today, considering that the game is almost unrecognizable compared to its initial release.

          • HadToLogin says:

            First number was pre-release, it was review of played-at-EA game, where there were no problems with internet, and probably time-limited (and it’s important to know, Sim City biggest problems started to appear in time – this game was means to be played as Sim Village, maybe Sim Town, but not as Sim City).
            And then score went down inversly to number of minutes they needed to be able to get into game.

  38. Scumbag says:

    It does not have Halo 14 on launch.
    I shall make 6 Metacritic accounts and with each give it a zero to balance out the score.

  39. Kinch says:

    I’d give it 10.5 if it let me play Journey, Shadow of the Colossus, GTA V, The Last of Us, RDR, etc.

    Seems people need to hate something to make them feel better. Hate consoles, hate a website for its web design. So trendy.

    • Grygus says:

      I’d point out that emulation is a matter of time, but that wouldn’t really address your main point.

      • I Got Pineapples says:

        I’m actually not entirely sure it is anymore. I mean, they only really solved the PS2 emulation problems by just shrugging going ‘Go find a bios that is totally legal no really’ and some stuff still chugs a bit.

        Though they did eventually get the Saturn working, I guess.

        • Nouser says:

          The BIOS thing for PS2 emulators is more legal stuff than a technical issue.

          • I Got Pineapples says:

            Oh yeah. I’m more saying that we’re at a point where it’s difficult to make up the pretend console needed to not unleash an unholy torrent of C&D letters.

    • hotmaildidntwork says:

      There is nothing to hate but hating itself!

      • hamburger_cheesedoodle says:

        But that leads to infinite hate! …are you some kind of monster trying to destroy the world/a mad scientist hoping to build a hate-powered generator?

    • Gap Gen says:

      Your PC won’t let you play those games because you got in a fight. Buy it some nice RAM, get a candlelit LAN party for two, everything will be forgotten.

    • Jackablade says:

      I’m old. I hate everything but Matlock.

    • Don Reba says:

      It should be noted that PS4 won’t let you play Journey, Shadow of the Colossus, GTA V, The Last of Us, or RDR either.

    • Harlander says:

      You could play all of those games on PC.

      When they were being developed on one.

  40. stoner says:

    PCs are DEAD! Dead, I tell you. Consoles rule the video game environment. No PC will ever match Defender on my Atari 2600.

    //trolling…am I doing it right?

  41. mpk says:

    Polygon gave PS4 a 7.5… so going by industry tropes the machine is only slightly better than average?

  42. Tuor says:

    But can it run Crysis?

  43. dangermouse76 says:

    But will it run Crys……… oh wait ( looks up ). I’ll get my coat.

  44. junglist 69 says:

    Did I miss the teaser trailer ,screen shot , the trailer , another screen shot , quick look preview ,a preview ,second trailer , more screen shots , dev team at work , dev team talking about how good it is , another trailer , dozen more screen shots , in depth preview ,Q &A online , standing on stage in front of thousands of people at an Expo looking like a chump , final trailer , oh wait release trailer, geez take my money I can’t stand it anymore!!!!!

  45. Jason Moyer says:

    That’s a sexy ad for the Sony Entertainment Network smack dab in the middle of their PS4 review.

  46. Tei says:

    How good are the graphics compared to a Ti-86 calculator? Draw sin and cos better tan the Texas Instruments?

  47. Barberetti says:

    Clicked the Polygon link and was presented with a blank page.

    Nice to see my adblocker is working correctly.

  48. Lemming says:

    1080p, 60fps for all games or no sale!

  49. 12inchPlasticToy says:

    Where’s the review of Polygon’s review?

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