Lengthy PvZ: Garden Warfare Video Reveals DOLPHIN GUN

By Nathan Grayson on November 22nd, 2013 at 10:00 am.

IT EVEN MAKES DOLPHIN SOUNDS

Everybody, stop whatever you’re doing. Just stop.

DOLLLLLLLLLLLPHIN GUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Go. Go watch it do both dolphin and gun things in the latest video of Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare. It makes high-pitched squealing sounds and blasts bubbles and everything. This is what Ecco The Dolphin would be like if Sega rebooted it as a gritty plant-centric zombie shooter. It is, in other words, the one thing that’s always been missing from your world – the puzzle piece that your heart and soul ached to find lodged between life’s sofa cushions – given shape and form. It is a dolphin gun, you guys. Let that just sink in for a moment. A dolphin gun.

Yes. Yesssssssssssssss. All games need a marine biologist mad scientist with a living, breathing aquatic mammal for a shotgun.

Oh, the other classes look cool too, I guess. The classes largely seem to occupy pretty familiar roles – the zombie All-Star is basically a Heavy, for instance, and the plant Sunflower is a healer, etc – but with powers and abilities that make the proceedings extra chaotic. Crazy fast charges, warps, independently controllable garlic drones, and things of that nature. Meanwhile, less traditional classes like the plant Chomper can burrow, sneak, and dole out massive amounts of melee damage.

If I’m being honest, it actually looks really fun and silly. When EA first announced that it was making a Plants vs Zombies shooter, my knee jerked so hard that I accidentally KO-ed the entire nation of Thailand, but I’m slowly coming around to the idea.

The only big problem at this point? The PC version still doesn’t have a release date. Garden Warfare is coming to Xbox 360 and its presumably distant predecessor, the Xbox One, on February 20th, but EA “doesn’t have a launch date to share at this time” for PC. That’s stupid and infuriating, but next-gen is here so of course it’s time to go back to The Old Way of blindly shunning one of the biggest gaming platforms on the planet. Because that seems like an intelligent, reasonable thing to do.

Ugh, now I’ve gone and made myself angry. I’m gonna go punch a potted office fern until I’m happy again.

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26 Comments »

  1. bstard says:

    This proud tradition goes back a long way, with aquatic ceremonies in and around lakes with ladies.

    • GernauMorat says:

      Watery tarts?

      • boundless08 says:

        Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out swords … that’s no basis for a system of government.

  2. alh_p says:

    What a horrific place to put the handle. No wonder the poor beastie shrieks whenever the trigger is pulled. RSPCA on their way.

  3. Anthile says:

    Dolphins are just dumbed down sharks.

  4. Wurstwaffel says:

    Looks like the weapons really have some punch to them. This game actually looks really solid for what it is.

    • Buffer117 says:

      Game actually looks pretty cool, and it looks like it should be more fun than frustrating. I’m a little disappointed, like the article says, that they have took traditional multi-player roles and shoehorned plants and zombies into them rather than thinking outside the box and working out a new way to use the PVZ characters in multi-player.

  5. Yossy says:

    Part my of my rage stems from the fact that PvZ blew up as a PC-exclusive. Then got sold to EA amid promises nothing would change. Meanwhile PvZ2 is a glorified Pay2Win Candy Crush and now this…argggh. Where is that office fern??

    • Deano2099 says:

      Huh? I’m as annoyed as anyone that PvZ 2 hasn’t made the PC, and might not ever do so, but it’s implementation of microtransactions is one of the friendliest I’ve seen. If you want to play the game as intended, you don’t have to buy anything. I guess it’s pay-to-win, in that the microtransaction stuff makes the game easier, but if you finished the original game you really won’t need any of that stuff.

      I’m enjoying it enough on the iPad that I’d definitely buy something to throw the devs some money, but nothing is really that appealing…

  6. froz says:

    Looks like it could be fun, BUT… am I the only one that can’t stand that 3rd person view where you can’t see what you are shooting at? Come on, if I was playing the shark guy I don’t think I would hit anything more then once in row. The character you are playing takes half of the screen.

  7. fuggles says:

    Looks like they have created a TF2 reskin mod based on a charming game, whilst showing little understanding of why the first game was so appealing. I can see this getting solid reviews around the 80% mark and then being quickly abandoned as it looks so unremarkable.

  8. Cytrom says:

    Reminds me of Battlefield Heroes. A lot.
    It wouldn’t surprize me if the same devs were behind it, and they borroved a bunch of animations and sound effects from there too.

    Gameplay feels just as crappy too.

  9. Dugular says:

    If I didn’t know Nathan was american, I would have known after this post. :)

  10. LionsPhil says:

    What a bizzare thing to exist.

  11. lowprices says:

    When I saw this in my Twitter feed, I assumed it was a gun that fired dolphins. Thus the reality is disappointing. Otherwise this looks much better than I expected it to be.

  12. HeroJez says:

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That sunflower is A-DORABLE!

    ……. O_o…

    I mean, SHARKS, ‘n’ ‘MERICAN foot-2-ball. F**k-yeah! Ooh-rah!, etc.

    (Eeeeee!)

  13. Jesrad says:

    Plants vs. Zombies was one of the very rare modern classics that was simple and elegant enough that it could’ve arrived in the SNES era and still been excellent. So what do they want to do with PvZ now? A generic class based shooter that will be forgotten in months. I guess the MMO is next on their list.

  14. Nixitur says:

    This looks pretty fun, but the variants make me kinda wary.
    The Power Flower and Ice Cactus seem like they are just better than the standard variant. My Pay-To-Win sense is tingling…

  15. knowitall011 says:

    so this is now a fps :((( I am going to miss the original style :(

  16. mistwolf says:

    This could be a great gateway game for kids who are old enough to appreciate silly violence and competition, but not old enough for the intense blood and guts violence many other games offer. My son has a friend who’s grandparents (who are raising him) absolutely will not let him play anything PG or over, and I am betting this will get a rating he could play, which will be good for him to play with my own son (who I don’t let play such games because of the communities and seethingly offensive and abusive people that are omnipresent).