Stalin vs Martians vs Common Sense

By Alec Meer on November 27th, 2013 at 2:00 pm.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

Oh, how simple things were for PC gaming back in 2008. With the indie invasion yet to begin in earnest, a videogame with a funny name and a techno soundtrack grabbed our attention wholesale, rather than made us roll our eyes or utter an ‘oh, you guys.’ Russian-made comedy RTS Stalin vs Martians! It was the best of jokes, it was the worst of jokes. However you might feel about the depiction of the General secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union as a figure of cartoonish fun, it was certainly the worst of games. And now, like warts or that stray cat with bowel troubles that you once took pity on, it’s come back unbidden.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

It’s back as Stalin vs Martains 3, and it’s back via Kickstarter, and that means before I write anything else I want to say WOAH-HO-NO THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST. Fool us once, shame on us. Fool us twice, well, also shame on us.

At least they’re openly fessing up to how awful SvM was. While simultaneously asking for $125,000 to do it again. This is a mixed message if ever there was one.

“The most groundbreaking and innovative feature of Stalin vs. Martians 3 is that we plan not only to turn the concept up to 11, but also… you know… make it fun to play.”

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

Half of their KS page bangs on about how crap the first game was, in fact:

“The main problem of the first Stalin vs. Martians game (apart from historical accuracy) was actually its budget. You wouldn’t believe how low it was. The most crushing thing was that all of these happened during the crisis of the economy, so the game was rushed for release. You must get us right: making a great strategy game wasn’t our goal from day one. The game is not about that. But releasing a beta-version wasn’t our intention.”

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

They’re sticking to the line that their real goal is “the whole package. You have main missions and a crazy storyline. Then you have videos. And demented mini-games. And wild music. It is the sum of all parts that matters. A perfect guilty pleasure. A kitsch gaming icon.”

But, somewhere, there’s an RTS in the mix, one they describe as “Battletech meets Desert Strike meets Cannon Fodder meets your mom.”

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

A similar level of gaggery abounds in their pitch video. Whole lotta eggs in just the one basket here, it seems: essentially, either you laugh with ‘em or you walk away entirely.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Take heart, at least, that the techno endures.

They’re also promising a free copy of the original SvM if they hit their funding target. Er, won’t that just put people off pledging?

I will pull this expression for a full day if this hits its preposterously high funding target:

Incidentally, as far as I can establish there wasn’t ever a Stalin vs Martians 2. So they’re making the gag that Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number failed to make.

THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION POST.

, , .

80 Comments »

  1. mgardner says:

    Thanks for the recommendation!

    • grimdanfango says:

      Hehehe, great minds…

      (…okay, maybe that’s pushing it a little)

  2. grimdanfango says:

    Thanks for the recommendation! I might not have paid much attention to this if it hadn’t been featured on RPS! :-D

  3. Yosharian says:

    RPS is seriously going too far with these kickstarter recommendations

    • Drayk says:

      I don’t know if it’s too far. But this time it’s definitively not a game for me….

  4. ZIGS says:

    All heil Stalinator!

    • Premium User Badge Don Reba says:

      Hehe. I actually enjoyed the first game. I guess, I like that sort of humour. And despite them saying they rushed it out in beta state, I did not encounter any bugs.

  5. DrollRemark says:

    “‘THIS IS A RECOMMENDATION POST’

    – Alec Meer, rockpapershotgun.com”

    Coming soon to a trailer video near you.

    • Runty McTall says:

      Surely: “THIS IS… A RECOMMENDATION”

      - RPS

      • Premium User Badge distantlurker says:

        “THIS [IS A] RECOMMENDATION!”

        -RPS

        • Conehead The Barbarian says:

          “RECOMMENDATION”

          -Rock, Paper, Stalin

          • zachforrest says:

            ‘RECOMMEND’

            - Rocking Rocking Shotgun Blog

          • Meat Circus says:

            COMM

            - Gun Blo

          • Premium User Badge colossalstrikepackage says:

            RECOMMENDATION, Paper, Stalin

          • Shazbut says:

            “MEN”

            – Gay Times

          • Meat Circus says:

            “N”

            - T

          • Scumbag says:

            Oh, how simple things were for PC gaming with the indie invasion grabbed our attention wholesale. Russian-made comedy RTS Stalin vs Martians! It was the best of jokes about the depiction of the General secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union as a figure of cartoonish fun. And now it’s come back unbidden.

            THIS IS A RECOMMENDATION POST.

          • Meat Circus says:

            Oh and vs the like how a Martians Central warts simple techno It Committee or things soundtrack was of that were grabbed the the stray for our best Communist cat PC attention of Party with gaming wholesale jokes of bowel back rather it the troubles in than was Soviet that 2008 made the Union you With us worst as once the roll of a took indie our jokes figure pity invasion eyes However of on yet or you cartoonish it’s to utter might fun come begin an feel it back in ‘oh about was unbidden earnest you the certainly

            THIS a guys depiction the IS videogame ’ of worst NOT with Russian-made the of A a comedy General games RECOMMENDATION funny RTS secretary And POST name Stalin of now

            –Rock Smith Walker Meer Rossignol Paper Nathan Gaming Shotgun Grayson Adam John Life Alec Jim

          • Bull0 says:

            It’s like reading William Burroughs

          • Scumbag says:

            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ああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああああ

    • SuicideKing says:

      AssCreed V?

    • solidsquid says:

      “The most groundbreaking and innovative… strategy game… from day one”

      Alec Meer – Rockin Paper Shogun

    • Turkey says:

      ‘It was the best of jokes.”

      -Alec Meer, Rock Paper Shotgun

    • Yglorba says:

      “As featured on Rock, Paper, Shotgun!”

  6. Premium User Badge jrodman says:

    Where is the lost Stalin vs Hitler expansion?

  7. Bull0 says:

    Coming soon to their kickstarter page:

    REVIEWS

    “promising”. – Rock, Paper, Shotgun

    • The Godzilla Hunter says:

      “I heartily recommend this kickstarter!” -Alec Meer

    • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

      “RTS Stalin vs Martians[...]do it again[...]!”
      “groundbreaking and innovative”

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      “you laugh with ‘em”
      “MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM”
      “Whole lotta eggs”

    • Kubrick Stare Nun says:

      “Game of the Aeon! 11/10″ – SHOTGUN, Rock Paper

  8. Premium User Badge Anthile says:

    What…what did I just watch?

  9. james.hancox says:

    I really hope they have a good legal team, because that looks suspiciously like a Timberwolf from Battletech…

    • Kollega says:

      Copyright and IP laws don’t mean jack shit to Russians, didn’t you know?

    • Haplo says:

      You clearly mean a Mad Cat.

    • hamburger_cheesedoodle says:

      Don’t worry, I’m sure that Harmony Gold will still manage to successfully sue Catalyst Game Labs over the use of this image somehow anyway.

    • KDR_11k says:

      By now so many games and such use obvious Timberwolf knockoffs that it’s practically the archetypical mech now. E.g. Scribblenauts gives you a Timberwolf if you ask for a mech.

      • Premium User Badge Napalm Sushi says:

        I’d say they had a reasonable case for that excuse right up until they decided to copy even the hexagonal gun pods.

  10. Kollega says:

    I’d rather play “Ratchet & Clank versus the Communazis”. Funnier, better, more historically accurate.

    • Premium User Badge cpt_freakout says:

      Banjo Tooie vs. William The Conqueror’s Waffen-SS
      Mario and Luigi in… Koopa Koopa Guantánamo!
      Chairman Sly Cooper: Great-Leap Forward

    • solidsquid says:

      That actually sounds both like an awesome game and one which would be able to fit within the fairly silly and over the top Ratchet and Clank universe

  11. Sergey Galyonkin says:

    There actually was “Stalin vs Martians 2″. It was called “Stalin vs Martians Online”, it was a social game for Russian social network VKontakte.

  12. bit_crusherrr says:

    I feel compelled to throw money at the screen.

    • Stardreamer says:

      Awesome. Just don’t throw it at their Kickstarter bank account. The notes and coins falling onto your keyboard should be reward enough, and will likely form a better videogame than SvM.

      • bit_crusherrr says:

        I just bought Aliens: Colonial Marines and Bad Rats. Did I do good?

  13. Lucid Spleen says:

    Yes, I know it’s not a recomendation and all that, but did you have to put a picture of a mechanised moustache up there? See, now I’m interested.

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      Hunt for the Red Movember.

      • Lucid Spleen says:

        Indeed, sir. As I often say, there is nothing in this world that cannot be improved by the correct amount of imposing facial hair. Apart from, just maybe, lasagne.

        • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

          In that case the correct amount is None, unless it’s on the face of the Italian stereotype serving you.

  14. Spoon Of Doom says:

    If nothing else, I’m happy about the kickstarter because it led to you posting this amazing owl picture. Thank you very much, it has brightened my day!

    Also, was anyone else disappointed that “Stalin vs Martians vs Common Sense” was not actually the name of the game?

    • Stardreamer says:

      The Owl picture made me laugh and say in my head “WELCOME BACK ALEC! I’VE MISSED YOU.”

  15. the_leveller says:

    The prospect of Alec making that face for a full day is all the recommendation this game needs.

  16. Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

    One of the pledge levels gives you the ability to write a song for the game.

  17. Kitsunin says:

    Go read the kickstarter page. Probably don’t contribute, but do read it…it makes me tempted to contribute, but not quite enough to actually do so.

  18. brat-sampson says:

    SvM to all backers of SvM3? How about if this happens and is worth anything you gift it to anyone who actually bought the original. Also you owe them dinner.

  19. Cytrom says:

    “Skott Kromie – Producer from America / Capitalist Pig” LOL

  20. SighmanSays says:

    THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION COMMENT.

    But seriously, if that one joke about fabricated cakes couldn’t survive past one game I don’t see how a worse joke can form the foundation for three. Also, what ever happened with that Cheetahmen 2 kickstarter?

  21. eQuality_Ninja says:

    For anybody who is wondering, that funny script above the SVM3 in the kickstarter video screenshot is Japanese (Katakana) script, which reads:

    “Stalin Vs Martians Vs Google Translate”

    It made me chuckle here in Tokyo.

  22. Meat Circus says:

    Fucking 3D GRAPHICS, bro.

  23. NailBombed says:

    THIS IS NOT A LOVE SOOOOOOOAAAANGG…….

  24. MadTinkerer says:

    Am I really the only one who thought the gameplay of the first game was decent? Like, not groundbreaking, but not nearly as awful as most others who reviewed it? Oh well…

  25. Premium User Badge DantronLesotho says:

    Gameplay or gtfo of kickstarter, I say

  26. Stevostin says:

    ” So they’re making the gag that Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number failed to make.”

    OMG you’re right, that would have been a fantastic title.

  27. Alisa3546 says:

    I simply got paid $9000 operating off my laptop computer this month. And if you’re thinking that it is cool, and you also want to earn money then you are on the right way just go to this site for amazing details……….> W­W­W.B­L­U­E­4­8.C­O­M

  28. Lanfranc says:

    I highly approve of this project. I gave it a dollar.

  29. KevinLew says:

    This Kickstarter has absolutely no chance of getting funded. The lowest tier to even get a copy of the game is $25. When a contributor asked about why it was so high, the response was that you would be getting “two games” (the original SvM plus SvM3). I need to point out the Kickstarter campaign tells everybody how terrible the first game was, so I thought this was horribly ironic.

    • Premium User Badge Don Reba says:

      There is also that trip to Cambodia (ticket not included) to meet the developers at the highest tier.

  30. Stupoider says:

    Who cares about Stalin vs Martians? What we really need is a kickstarter sequel to Limbo of the Lost.

  31. The Dark One says:

    Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.

  32. LionsPhil says:

    Like many Internet things trying to be funny-random, a lot of its attempts to be “weird and disturbing” come across as pretty tired and boring.

    Ninja monkey kazoo LOL HITLER.

  33. Draycen says:

    Sounds great, thanks Alex! I will check out the KS now!

    /listens for sound of Surface 2 hitting wall/

  34. Premium User Badge steves says:

    Hmm. Seems in Soviet Russia, game Kickstarts you, or something…but that video!

    “AMOUNT OF BOOBS IN GAMES ARE CLOSE TO PORN INDUSTRY”

    Cracked me up.

    …watched the rest. This must be satire…is there such a thing as Russian Nathan Barley?

    • MellowKrogoth says:

      That video was indeed funny.

    • Metr13 says:

      This video was heavy satire. I laughed so hard I cried, really (although I am Russian, admittedly, and the fun part is realizing why they are saying all that and not what they are saying/doing).

      And, if they actually give kickstarter some techdemo videos, it’s going to be amazing.

  35. Danda says:

    Stalin vs Martians is the single worst game I own on Steam. I’m not joking.

    Thankfully it’s not sold anymore. Don’t fund this. JUST DON’T.

  36. default_name says:

    That proverb at 6:23 very roughly translates as “I’m ready to work my butt off if that’s drinking and fucking” parodying the style of the Soviet era proverbs. That’s why people were laughing hysterically at the background.

    • Metr13 says:

      Well, having attitude like that is probably the only thing that *might* get them funded, but probably will do opposite.

      It’s like students from a humorist club (no idea how to translate KVN, sorry) were let to swear onstage.