26 Factual Inaccuracies In ‘Baby Hazel Stomach Care Game’

By Alec Meer on December 13th, 2013 at 8:00 pm.

Baby Hazel Stomach Care Game‘ is a free webgame which RPS was emailed about today. It concerns an unspecified parent, who may or may not be a single Mickey Mouse glove, attempting to help the titular Baby Hazel with a stomach complaint. As the father of a seven-month-old daughter, I felt qualified to list 26 factual inaccuracies in this infant-management simulator, ranging from inconsistent depiction of the baby’s motor skills to her psychic capabilities, possible Timelord attributes and the poor professional standards of her parents’ chosen medical practitioner.

1. The baby is able to consume an entire milk bottle in less than a second; in reality this would require at least ten minutes. Furthermore, she is not repeatedly distracted from drinking by anything that moves (or doesn’t) and at no point waves the spraying bottle around haphazardly. She also fails to sick up even a small quantity of milk shortly after drinking.

2. When holding her pet rabbit, the baby neatly pets and feeds it, rather than grabbing an ear, foot or jaw and wrenching it as hard as possible, or attempting to insert the carrot into its eye socket or anus rather than mouth. Furthermore, the rabbit is still alive at the end of the encounter. The animal’s relative motionlessness suggests it may be in a state of extreme trauma, however. Additionally, the rabbit is wearing lipstick.

3. At no point does the baby sweep everything off the table in a pique of rage/excitement/random muscle movement. In fact, not a single item is disturbed.

4. The mother, who spends the first stage cooking, with her back to the camera, at no point turns to check that her daughter is OK, despite all the crying. She also fails to admonish the father even once for not doing things exactly as she would have done them.

5. The ‘baby’ is toilet-trained, and can be left on the toilet, behind a closed door, indefinitely without fear of drowning or the attempted consumption or use of as a toy of her own effluence. On average a child is not toilet-trained until it is around three years of age – well past ‘baby’ stage.

6. The baby’s apparent father is a single, disembodied Mickey Mouse glove. It is highly unlikely this entity would have been capable of reproduction.

7. Despite being termed a baby and having the appearance of a child I would estimate to be approximately one year old, Baby Hazel possess the motor skills and cognitive ability of a five year old (see also point 5).

8. Baby Hazel is able to psychically project her thoughts. Furthermore the Hand Father is able to ‘hear’ and interpret these thoughts as static images of vegetables.

9. Baby Hazel is deemed to be at ‘maximum happiness’ even while suffering diarrhoea.

10. Upon ringing the doctor several hours into the day, Mom is told to bring Baby Hazel straight in rather than that the surgery is out of appointment slots for that day and she should have rung before 8am.

11. Baby Hazel is comforted by having a full, open hand rubbed repeatedly around her face in a circular motion. In reality, this would be extremely uncomfortable and quite possibly dangerous.

12. The Hand Father has in his/its possession, kept within a gold ring, a pair of disembodied, enormous, bright red, most likely female (and certainly collagen-enhanced) lips almost the width of the Baby Hazel’s head. Repeatedly applying this unusual item to the baby’s face comforts her, and she at no point attempts to grab and devour it.

13. At one point the Hand Father makes a ‘kissy’ noise in a voice which clearly sounds like that of a woman. However, we repeatedly see that the mother is a separate, conventionally human entity. This raises significant questions as to the true identity of the Hand Father. A baby with two mums is totally cool of course; my only concern involves the Hand Father-Mother having no larynx or indeed any physical presence beyond Floating Tiny Hand and Floating Oversized Lips. What, then, was the source of that kissy noise?

14. Baby Hazel is able to keep her head perfectly upright when she falls asleep in a sitting position. No lolling, or the resultant neck ache, is in evidence.

15. Baby Hazel flushes the toilet before using it, but not afterwards. While ultimately this could be said to achieve the same outcome as the more traditional bowel/bladder evacuation > flushing procedure, it is highly likely to create hygiene or at least odour issues.

16. The doctor attempts psychic communication (depicted as a thought rather than speech bubble) with Baby Hazel, asking via thought alone what happened to her troubled stomach. The baby replies with a telepathic image of a maraca. It is left unclear as to whether either party has truly ‘heard’ the other, and if they did whether a hitherto unseen maraca consumption event was the true cause of Baby Hazel’s complaint. If this is the case, it would fly in the face of earlier claims that peanut-eating was responsible.

17. Coincidentally, the doctor keeps a large, spotted maraca in a tray alongside her stethoscope, syringe, band-aids and medicine. While this proves useful, it seems unlikely that a large, spotted maraca is part of a general practitioner’s standard array of medical implements.

18. The doctor is happy for the Hand Father-Mother to perform medical tests, including injections, on her behalf. She simply watches, smiling, and ultimately makes a prognosis based on observation alone. In fairness, so little is known about the true identity and nature of The Hand Father-Mother that it is entirely possible he/she/it possess suitable medical qualifications. However, this would seem to negate the need to have visited a doctor.

19. Using the stethoscope reveals that Baby Hazel has two separate heartbeats, and thus presumably hearts. This suggests she is a Timelord; this may at least explain the psychic abilities (however, please note that the precise psychic capabilities of The Doctor and other Gallifreyans is the subject of some debate due to their inconsistency of portrayal across over 800 television episodes).

20. Later it transpires that Baby Hazel has four separate heartbeats (arranged in a square-like formation), and thus presumably hearts. Thus, the Time Lord explanation is no longer valid. Unless Baby Hazel is some manner of Supreme Time Lord, or a future evolution of the species? While this explanation would not fit Doctor Who canon, it could potentially be used to waive many of the discrepancies regarding this creature’s unusual abilities for one so young and apparently human.

21. Baby Hazel requires only five seconds to pre-flush (see point 15), defecate and clean herself up afterwards. However, see point 20.

22. Baby Hazel can be kissed (see points 12 and 13) directly on her open eyeball without complaint. However, see point 20.

23. Baby Hazel suddenly becomes capable of psychically-projected written speech rather than images, first seen as ‘I am hungry.’ This is followed, suddenly, by the single spoken word ‘no’ immediately afterwards upon deciding she is not, in fact, hungry. While events prior to this day are not shared with the player, the lack of any other speech during this period strongly suggests this may be Baby Hazel’s first word. Neither parent seems surprised or excited by this turn of events. However, see point 20.

24. The baby makes the noise of a squeaky rubber duck toy if you place a spoon in slightly the wrong place on a metal tray next to her. However, see point 20.

25. Upon Baby Hazel sleeping, The Hand Father-Mother stares motionlessly at the creature for the entire night, and willingly turns on the light to resume duty when Baby Hazel awakes at 5am without exclaiming “oh fucking hell, no, please, just one more hour, please, I can’t bear it any more.” Point 20 would not begin to explain this.

26. At no point does either parent attempt to blame and reprimand the other for causing this situation. Point 20 would not begin to explain this.

List of factual accuracies in Baby Hazel Stomach Care Game

1. It doesn’t stop. Not ever. You don’t rest. You can’t rest. Ever. You just have to keep going. You can’t go to the toilet, you can’t have a meal, you can’t have a drink, you can’t stop and think about what your life is now. Ever.

__________________

« | »

, , .

95 Comments »

  1. Nenjin says:

    Pic #2 is absolutely terrifying looking. Somehow they managed to make that baby look like one of Disney’s animatronic abominations.

    • Baby Hazel Games says:

      Well how can you explain that these Baby Hazel games are the most popular flash baby games online? and players absolutely love this baby hazel games..
      you can surf a little and see how much time these games are played…
      And how can a game with so poor graphic and rpg be that popular ?

      • Jackablade says:

        Partly it’s because the specular reflections in her eyes are mirrored, making it look like her eyeballs are pointing off in different directions.

      • cdx00 says:

        wtf is this person even trying to say? pretty sure your dev team are the only ones who have and would make a game like this

        not a thing to be proud of, really

      • Danley says:

        Explain to me — EXPLAIN TO ME!!

        Watch your back, Baby Hazel. Someday I’ll have the best flash baby games online.

        Also, the comparison to Disney is ironic, as apparently the Baby Hazel games feature ‘versions’ of Mickey, Minnie and Donald Duck.

        Sure, they should technically be in the public domain by now, but if we have to wait til 2019 SO DOES BABY HAZEL.

      • redd says:

        Please, this can’t be the last we hear from Baby Hazel Games.

    • Baby Hazel Games says:

      Well how can you explain that these Baby Hazel games are the most popular flash baby games online? and players absolutely love this baby hazel games..
      you can surf a little and see how much time these games are played…
      And how can a game with so poor graphic and rpg be that popular ?

      • Nenjin says:

        If your spam posting and SEO bullshit is any indicator, I’d say it’s because Baby Hazel whatever is using any kind of inaccurate metric they can to claim people like their game.

    • levan says:

      lol :D I agree with you man. it really looks terrible. and what about other baby hazel games?

  2. darkChozo says:

    There’s some blatant disembodiedhandphobia at work in this article. I realize that society at large still treats the anatomically disadvantaged as second-class citizens, but RPS really should be better than that.

  3. Viscera says:

    I think we shouldn’t judge those inaccuracies. It’s obvious from the screenshots, particularly the expressions of the baby, that she is not a human being. And she is most likely not a Timelord either, since those look human (or rather, we look Timelord), while this little hellspawn doesn’t. Whatever vile race she belongs to, they clearly work differently than us.

  4. Muzman says:

    That glove has had some times man:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPnR-zIwvQ0

    Good to see it trim down a bit though.

  5. pupsikaso says:

    Here we go again. RPS picks a game that is outside their comfortable definition of “games” and then attempts to be humorous while making fun of it.
    And actually this time the creators of the game asked RPS to actually review the game, and rather than being polite and saying that it falls outside the category of games that RPS usually posts about, they just decide to be dicks about it.
    You know, despite what you might think, the world extends further than your narrow point of view, which, from my observations, doesn’t seem to go much farther than the tip of your nose. You are mocking these kinds of games for being shallow, trivial, or poorly made, but there are far more games like these, in a bigger market, than the usual AAA games that you are used to. Just do a search for games for teen girls and you will be introduced to a whole new world of “what is this shit, does anyone even play this?”
    If you’re going to review the thing, you need to do inside the right context. Mocking it simply because “haha, who plays this shit” really says a lot about you and how low RPS has fallen.

    • Kitsunin says:

      Teehee

    • ividyon says:

      I would respond that the actual message is less “haha this game sucks” and more “being a parent is torture please send help”, but I feel I may fall victim to some nefarious scheme.

      • Geebs says:

        I reckon if the game implies that injecting drugs into your baby’s eye will have a positive outcome, it deserves what it gets.

    • Lars Westergren says:

      I thought it was mainly some lighthearted silliness rather than mocking. A lot of the jokes are self-deprecating, or just about what a chore it is to take care of babies in general.

    • Crane says:

      Ah, so I assume you’re the person who e-mailed them, and the creator of the game, yes?

      Because that’s the only way you could know from the statement: “‘Baby Hazel Stomach Care Game‘ is a free webgame which RPS was emailed about today.” that the e-mail was from the creator, asking for a review, instead of, say, from a friend of one of the staff suggesting they mock it in an amusing manner.

      • pupsikaso says:

        Do you think anyone reading RPS would email about a game like this?

      • darkChozo says:

        Even if it was from the creator, there is a rather good chance that it wasn’t an email asking for a review. Idle googling suggests that this game actually came out yesterday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the email was basically a press release stating that fact. I’m sure that there are a lot of small-time developers who cast that net wide looking for any sort of coverage.

        Also, idle googling suggests that there’s apparently an entire Baby Hazel series. I thought that was surprising enough to share.

    • Mbaya says:

      I’m certainly an odd one, but I often watch programs or play games while poking fun at the oddness, the daft mistakes or plane lunacy of what’s going on – all while enjoying it for what it is (perhaps even more so as a result).

      This is the type of game I wouldn’t have given any attention to at all, yet as a result of Alec braving the virtual parenting world as well as the real parenting world (at the same time, no less!) the result has been some entertainment and a few chuckles.

      Maybe it’s a British humour thing, maybe I’m just cut from the same cloth (all be it less stained with baby sick) than Alec. I certainly wouldn’t go as far as to say RPS has narrow views given the fact they actually did give this game a try! (And you know, the coverage of all the games…not just AAA titles you mentioned).

      Anyways…I can’t help but imagine a Daily Mail article about how Alec has ignored his actual child to instead, torment a virtual child with giant lips and a maraca.

    • Jac says:

      At not one point did this article make me think “haha who plays this shit” before returning to my throne of superior smugness.

      Just found it an amusing take on a game I doubt anyone would normally come accross.

    • Bull0 says:

      He’s right. RPS, I demand from now on you exclusively cover shit like this. Sincerely, nobody

    • skyturnsred says:

      I think the factual inaccuracies are the review. If a game cannot be accurate in detail about how to raise a child (Timelord, possibly) then I do not want to play it. Thanks for the heads up, Alec. I was looking forward to this one. Now my time shall be spent elsewhere.

    • Nenjin says:

      They asked RPS to review it. You can’t throw your product out there then object to how it’s reviewed. That’s like a AAA game studio asking to have their game reviewed but then saying it can’t be published because they don’t agree with the conclusions or the tone.

      Don’t go asking people to judge you if you can’t accept criticism or humor. Otherwise you’re just another developer looking for free PR and getting mad when you don’t get it in the form you wanted.

    • melnificent says:

      Wow you changed your attitude on what constitutes a game… or are you just a long term troll? Seems looking at your post history the latter…

      “Ok, I really don’t want to pick on this particular game because it looks so pretty, but this prettiness is the whole point. I understand how these games sell on touch devices like tablets. You tap on things and you see pretty lights and colours and maybe sounds. That sells on tablets, I get it.

      What I don’t get is how this would sell on the PC? Where is the game in this? The challenge? Is this a puzzle game? If so, what is the puzzle, I don’t see anything here. Is this a game requiring reaction and hand-eye-coordination skill? I don’t see that either. Is there a story to be engrossed in? Not that either.

      I don’t see a game here at all. What I see is a toy. A toy you poke to produce delightful sounds and lights. Toys like these sell well on tablets, but unfortunately on the PC they have a long history of doing particularly not well.

      “Racing games in which you can somehow trip/damage/slow down/adversely affect/whatever someone who is in the lead in front of you have always seemed rather poor taste to me. It takes the focus away from being a good ‘racer’ and into being a good ‘douche that throws a banana peel with no skill’.”

      “I have never found anything that comes out of Something Awful to be either interesting, funny, or fun.
      This game doesn’t change that.
      Just random ‘not-funnies’ splattered across a boring game.”

    • Shieldmaiden says:

      “You are mocking these kinds of games for being shallow, trivial, or poorly made,”

      Those all seem like fine reasons to mock something. Except for swimming pools. Shallow, poorly made pools are a health and safety nightmare and shouldn’t be mocked.

    • Ako says:

      Nicely put, troll :)

    • Niko says:

      Market-shmarket.

    • Darth Gangrel says:

      “You are mocking these kinds of games for being shallow, trivial, or poorly made, but there are far more games like these” Oh, there are more shallow, trivial or poorly made games like this one? Well, that immediately makes the game better, because 10 poorly made games together form one good game. Don’t judge a game by how good it is in itself, but by how many similar games there are out there.

    • mouton says:

      You missed the whole point of the article. It is not about that game. It is about Alec Meer being borderline insane due to joys of parenthood.

      You obviously neither have children nor have ever been near one for any longer amount of time.

    • roguewombat says:

      I give your complaint a 6/10.

  6. Syra says:

    “She also fails to admonish the father even once for not doing things exactly as she would have done them.”

    There, there Alec…

  7. Lars Westergren says:

    > What, then, was the source of that kissy noise?

    Contractions of the bucal mass sphincter, if I remember Hand Father-Mother anatomy correctly.

  8. Klydefrog says:

    This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read on RPS, I wish there were 100 of these.

  9. lowprices says:

    So it’s a game about a baby Ultra-Timelord who is being raised by her possibly-lesbian-but-possibly-not mothers/fathers, one of whom is a floating hand?

    I really want to play this game now.

  10. Geebs says:

    If baby-timelord spends the entire game being belittled, blamed and resented by their companion for no obvious reason, does that confirm that this game was written by Stephen Moffat?

  11. Heliocentric says:

    Contender for the RPS advent calendar me thinks.

  12. Fumarole says:

    [...] and the poor professional standards of her parents’ chosen medical practitioner.

    She wasn’t chosen for her medical training, if you’re hip to what I’m saying.

    • CookPassBabtridge says:

      What are you talking about? Everyone knows that good looking people are automatically better at whatever job they happen to be doing. Also, if they look at the camera, looking all serious and with their arms folded, or are seen berating another adult as if they were a 4 year old, this indicates that they are almost definitely an expert in their chosen field. Members of the public should thus humiliate themselves whilst desperately seeking their approval. Preferably on national television.

  13. Lanfranc says:

    “Later it transpires that Baby Hazel has four separate heartbeats (arranged in a square-like formation), and thus presumably hearts. Thus, the Time Lord explanation is no longer valid. Unless Baby Hazel is some manner of Supreme Time Lord, or a future evolution of the species?”

    Possibly a Klingon variant of a Time Lord, thus with two eight-chambered hearts.

  14. rustybroomhandle says:

    Mystery Gaems Theatre 3000

  15. Keyrock says:

    it seems unlikely that a large, spotted maraca is part of a general practitioner’s standard array of medical implements.

    Maybe not where you live.

  16. mattevansc3 says:

    There are so many more inaccuracies. Why does the baby have a bed and not a cot? Why is the baby not trying to sprint/roll/jump off said bed. Continuing with the Dr Who theme why didn’t the baby be somewhere else when the player blinked? Why has the baby made no attempt to go for the wall sockets? Why is the room tidy? Why is the room not destroyed

  17. -funkstar- says:

    The list of factual accuracies is… factual.

  18. The Dark One says:

    There’s still the possibility that she’s a Timelord! We just have to assume that we’re looking at a case of fetus in fetu, where she has a partially-developed parasitic twin contained entirely within her torso.

  19. SuicideKing says:

    The RPS Slogan: All your snark is belong to us.

    Which is 1/4th the reasons i visit this site.

  20. stahlwerk says:

    Alec has been replaced by the shut up and sit down supercomputer.

  21. scottyjx says:

    I giggled the entire way through. Great work, Alec.

  22. kristy622 says:

    Stаrt wоrĸing at հom℮ with Gооgl℮!. witհоսt а dоսbt its tհ℮ mоst-соmfоrtаbl℮ jоb I հаv℮ ℮v℮r հаd. It has blessed me with a ch℮ck for $6974 this m0nth. I асtսаlly stаrt℮d 7-mоոtհs аgо аոd imm℮diаt℮ly wаs briոgiո հоm℮ miոimսm $75/ հоսr. Useful Reference http://cutt.us/sgEc

  23. Rikard Peterson says:

    “6. The baby’s apparent father is a single, disembodied Mickey Mouse glove. It is highly unlikely this entity would have been capable of reproduction.”

    Ew.

  24. Don Reba says:

    6. The baby’s apparent father is a single, disembodied Mickey Mouse glove. It is highly unlikely this entity would have been capable of reproduction.

    (checked rule 34) You would be surprised!

  25. Ergates_Antius says:

    Her room is an odd mix. She has a swing seat – usually meant for very young babies, yet her bed has no sides.

    Her parents also saw fit to leave a glass jug and beaker and an electric lamp on low – easily baby reachable – bed side tables (what could possibly go wrong?).

    They’ve also put a low, climable, table right below the window.

  26. skullBaseknowledge says:

    wow, this was profound and funny. also this: http://con.sagepub.com/content/17/3/237.short

  27. Commander_Zeus says:

    And by uncanny coincidence as I read this, my 2 month old daughter decides that half an hour of sleep was quite enough for now thank you, I’d like some food please (not expressed in quite such verbose and scream-less vocabulary).
    So yes, when is someone going to develop the Arma of baby management sims?

  28. The Random One says:

    Disembodied Mickey Mouse Hand-dad
    Nobody suspects a thing

    • Grygus says:

      The entire game is a radical feminist statement: a woman needs a man like a disembodied invisible hand needs a glove. Sure, the hand wears a glove, but it’s just for appearances, serves no actual purpose, and makes all proceedings slightly sweatier than they need to be.

    • Groove says:

      I like the idea that this game is just a subtler version of Octodad.

  29. Don Reba says:

    Towering over the door frame, the doctor must be 2.5 meters high.

  30. GrayJester says:

    You mocked Father-Mother you worthless kak!

    • Fenix says:

      I kept thinking about Zeno Clash while reading “fathermother” as well, but every time that happened it also reminded of how bad the sequel was :(

  31. Ooops says:

    That’s a lot of attention given to a game that, by now, probably already received a “cease and desist” letter from both Disney and Sanrio (creator of Hello Kitty)!

  32. spectone says:

    Baby eats in kitchen but the floor is so shiny you can see your reflection in it.

  33. Megakoresh says:

    - Are you a gamer?
    - Absolutely! I am such a hardcore gamer, I love videogames!
    - And which genre do you like?
    - Well… Oh! I like Action Adventures! They are so cool!
    - So what is your favourite Action Adventure?
    - Well, I don’t know… OMGPOP…

  34. Caspian says:

    Look at those eyes! Look at them! I think we need a ‘Staring Eyes’ tag on this post as fair warning…

  35. belgand says:

    Baby Hazel is deemed to be at ‘maximum happiness’ even while suffering diarrhoea.

    Way to judge. We have no idea the sorts of things that Baby Hazel is into. If she claims that provides her with “maximum happiness” and she isn’t causing any other problems with it I say we just let her do her thing.

  36. zerozx says:

    I play a lot of baby hazel games on Babyhazelonline.com. But yeah there are some inaccuracies, but still fun…

Comment on this story

XHTML: Allowed code: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>