By Alec Meer on December 13th, 2013 at 8:00 pm.
‘Baby Hazel Stomach Care Game‘ is a free webgame which RPS was emailed about today. It concerns an unspecified parent, who may or may not be a single Mickey Mouse glove, attempting to help the titular Baby Hazel with a stomach complaint. As the father of a seven-month-old daughter, I felt qualified to list 26 factual inaccuracies in this infant-management simulator, ranging from inconsistent depiction of the baby’s motor skills to her psychic capabilities, possible Timelord attributes and the poor professional standards of her parents’ chosen medical practitioner.
1. The baby is able to consume an entire milk bottle in less than a second; in reality this would require at least ten minutes. Furthermore, she is not repeatedly distracted from drinking by anything that moves (or doesn’t) and at no point waves the spraying bottle around haphazardly. She also fails to sick up even a small quantity of milk shortly after drinking.
2. When holding her pet rabbit, the baby neatly pets and feeds it, rather than grabbing an ear, foot or jaw and wrenching it as hard as possible, or attempting to insert the carrot into its eye socket or anus rather than mouth. Furthermore, the rabbit is still alive at the end of the encounter. The animal’s relative motionlessness suggests it may be in a state of extreme trauma, however. Additionally, the rabbit is wearing lipstick.
3. At no point does the baby sweep everything off the table in a pique of rage/excitement/random muscle movement. In fact, not a single item is disturbed.
4. The mother, who spends the first stage cooking, with her back to the camera, at no point turns to check that her daughter is OK, despite all the crying. She also fails to admonish the father even once for not doing things exactly as she would have done them.
5. The ‘baby’ is toilet-trained, and can be left on the toilet, behind a closed door, indefinitely without fear of drowning or the attempted consumption or use of as a toy of her own effluence. On average a child is not toilet-trained until it is around three years of age – well past ‘baby’ stage.
6. The baby’s apparent father is a single, disembodied Mickey Mouse glove. It is highly unlikely this entity would have been capable of reproduction.
7. Despite being termed a baby and having the appearance of a child I would estimate to be approximately one year old, Baby Hazel possess the motor skills and cognitive ability of a five year old (see also point 5).
8. Baby Hazel is able to psychically project her thoughts. Furthermore the Hand Father is able to ‘hear’ and interpret these thoughts as static images of vegetables.
9. Baby Hazel is deemed to be at ‘maximum happiness’ even while suffering diarrhoea.
10. Upon ringing the doctor several hours into the day, Mom is told to bring Baby Hazel straight in rather than that the surgery is out of appointment slots for that day and she should have rung before 8am.
11. Baby Hazel is comforted by having a full, open hand rubbed repeatedly around her face in a circular motion. In reality, this would be extremely uncomfortable and quite possibly dangerous.
12. The Hand Father has in his/its possession, kept within a gold ring, a pair of disembodied, enormous, bright red, most likely female (and certainly collagen-enhanced) lips almost the width of the Baby Hazel’s head. Repeatedly applying this unusual item to the baby’s face comforts her, and she at no point attempts to grab and devour it.
13. At one point the Hand Father makes a ‘kissy’ noise in a voice which clearly sounds like that of a woman. However, we repeatedly see that the mother is a separate, conventionally human entity. This raises significant questions as to the true identity of the Hand Father. A baby with two mums is totally cool of course; my only concern involves the Hand Father-Mother having no larynx or indeed any physical presence beyond Floating Tiny Hand and Floating Oversized Lips. What, then, was the source of that kissy noise?
14. Baby Hazel is able to keep her head perfectly upright when she falls asleep in a sitting position. No lolling, or the resultant neck ache, is in evidence.
15. Baby Hazel flushes the toilet before using it, but not afterwards. While ultimately this could be said to achieve the same outcome as the more traditional bowel/bladder evacuation > flushing procedure, it is highly likely to create hygiene or at least odour issues.
16. The doctor attempts psychic communication (depicted as a thought rather than speech bubble) with Baby Hazel, asking via thought alone what happened to her troubled stomach. The baby replies with a telepathic image of a maraca. It is left unclear as to whether either party has truly ‘heard’ the other, and if they did whether a hitherto unseen maraca consumption event was the true cause of Baby Hazel’s complaint. If this is the case, it would fly in the face of earlier claims that peanut-eating was responsible.
17. Coincidentally, the doctor keeps a large, spotted maraca in a tray alongside her stethoscope, syringe, band-aids and medicine. While this proves useful, it seems unlikely that a large, spotted maraca is part of a general practitioner’s standard array of medical implements.
18. The doctor is happy for the Hand Father-Mother to perform medical tests, including injections, on her behalf. She simply watches, smiling, and ultimately makes a prognosis based on observation alone. In fairness, so little is known about the true identity and nature of The Hand Father-Mother that it is entirely possible he/she/it possess suitable medical qualifications. However, this would seem to negate the need to have visited a doctor.
19. Using the stethoscope reveals that Baby Hazel has two separate heartbeats, and thus presumably hearts. This suggests she is a Timelord; this may at least explain the psychic abilities (however, please note that the precise psychic capabilities of The Doctor and other Gallifreyans is the subject of some debate due to their inconsistency of portrayal across over 800 television episodes).
20. Later it transpires that Baby Hazel has four separate heartbeats (arranged in a square-like formation), and thus presumably hearts. Thus, the Time Lord explanation is no longer valid. Unless Baby Hazel is some manner of Supreme Time Lord, or a future evolution of the species? While this explanation would not fit Doctor Who canon, it could potentially be used to waive many of the discrepancies regarding this creature’s unusual abilities for one so young and apparently human.
21. Baby Hazel requires only five seconds to pre-flush (see point 15), defecate and clean herself up afterwards. However, see point 20.
22. Baby Hazel can be kissed (see points 12 and 13) directly on her open eyeball without complaint. However, see point 20.
23. Baby Hazel suddenly becomes capable of psychically-projected written speech rather than images, first seen as ‘I am hungry.’ This is followed, suddenly, by the single spoken word ‘no’ immediately afterwards upon deciding she is not, in fact, hungry. While events prior to this day are not shared with the player, the lack of any other speech during this period strongly suggests this may be Baby Hazel’s first word. Neither parent seems surprised or excited by this turn of events. However, see point 20.
24. The baby makes the noise of a squeaky rubber duck toy if you place a spoon in slightly the wrong place on a metal tray next to her. However, see point 20.
25. Upon Baby Hazel sleeping, The Hand Father-Mother stares motionlessly at the creature for the entire night, and willingly turns on the light to resume duty when Baby Hazel awakes at 5am without exclaiming “oh fucking hell, no, please, just one more hour, please, I can’t bear it any more.” Point 20 would not begin to explain this.
26. At no point does either parent attempt to blame and reprimand the other for causing this situation. Point 20 would not begin to explain this.
List of factual accuracies in Baby Hazel Stomach Care Game
1. It doesn’t stop. Not ever. You don’t rest. You can’t rest. Ever. You just have to keep going. You can’t go to the toilet, you can’t have a meal, you can’t have a drink, you can’t stop and think about what your life is now. Ever.