Dota You Want It, Baby: No More Queues For Valve’s Moba

By Alec Meer on December 17th, 2013 at 3:00 pm.

INT: Valve HQ, midnight. GABE NEWELL, DOUG LOMBARDI, MARC LAIDLAW, CHET FALISZEK, ERIK WOLPAW, ROBIN WALKER, SAXTON HALE and MR G. MANN sit astride their genetically-engineered red and black-striped lynx, supping liquid gold from goblets carved out of velicoraptor skulls.

NEWELL: Gentlemen! I have gathered you here today to discuss my gravest concern. The day we have long awaited is here.

ALL: [Anxious muttering, some shouting.]

NEWELL: [Holds up a hand. The room falls quiet immediately.] No, please, silence. It’s true. The time has come. We have made… [bows head. In pride? In shame? In reverence?] We have made enough money. We need no more. There is nothing we could do with more. Nothing is beyond our reach. Our work is done. Complete our last remaining project, and then we shall shut the doors on our mighty empire.

NEWELL: While 6.5 million already play it, a few human beings on this Earth are not yet able to access Dota 2, or at least not quite so conveniently as they would most prefer. Pray, remove the requirement for a sign-up process – let them simply install and play.

ALL: [Fevered activity, frantic instructions sent from their iPhone 8s.]

NEWELL: Furthermore, queueing to be allowed first access to the game has meant an unacceptable wait for some players. Here, [Reaches into own mouth, grunts in pain, then withdraws his hand. Clasped within it is a single, platinum, diamond-encrusted MOLAR] take this, and with it obtain all the servers we need to end this sad situation. No more queues! All shall play instantly! None shall wait! All shall fea… worship us!

ALL: [Coo in awe, followed by more fevered activity and communication to their unseen, blind, four-armed minions].

NEWELL: The Steam machines are on their way. Four hundred million and twelve indie games have been Greenlit. The end… approaches. Gentlemen, tell me – is there anything else we must complete before we close Valve, execute its staff and board our rocket to Ganymede to begin the terraforming project? Anything at all we might have left unresolved, unconcluded, that people have been waiting for while we busied ourselves with hardware and MOBAs and virtual trading cards?

ALL: [Pause, head-scratching]. Nope, can’t think of anything.

NEWELL: Excellent. Then, to Ganymede! [Dons mech suit, punches through roof and jets skywards].

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52 Comments »

  1. rustybroomhandle says:

    Thank the maker! No more random people sending me gift keys. There will be peace in Steam-land.

  2. Timberwolf says:

    I knew living on Sol 3 would get to them sooner or later.

  3. LionsPhil says:

    I am OK With this conclusion.

  4. AngelTear says:

    I, for one, welcome our new valvular overlords.

  5. dfuse says:

    This is why I love reading RPS

  6. Low Life says:

    The problem with that headline is that you have to drop the a from Dota to be able to sing it.

  7. Viper50BMG says:

    This level of journalistic professionalism is why I come to RPS.

  8. almostDead says:

    He pulled out his fucking tooth for us!

    To allow all the nations of the world to come together and hate.

    So I say unto thee sosi ebanataya suka!

    You fucking tryhard filthy casual!

  9. Lucid Spleen says:

    “supping liquid gold from goblets carved out of velicoraptor skulls”

    That has got to be the best thing I’ve read today! And now I’ll read the rest of the article.

  10. strangeloup says:

    I always read Erik Wolpaw as Erik Wolfpaw and in my mind he’s some kind of Viking werewolf and I’ve been playing too much Skyrim haven’t I.

  11. sketchseven says:

    I hate to be that guy but … “Four hundred million indie games have been Greenlight”

    Surely that should be ‘Greenlit’?

  12. Synesthesia says:

    Expect a phonecall from Michael Bay any moment now, alec. It just needs a few tweaks, and that script will be perfect.

  13. DatonKallandor says:

    “Excellent. Then, to Ganymede! [Dons mech suit, punches through roof and jets skywards].”
    Someone’s been playing One Must Fall 2097.

  14. Eukatheude says:

    Now, they could use all that money to hire more customer support reps.

  15. Hodge says:

    I’m surprised that they were able to get Mr Mann to turn up to the meeting. It’s impossible to get a hold of that guy.

  16. MellowKrogoth says:

    Epilogue: the abandoned and forgotten sheets of a design document bearing the symbols “lambda” and “three” flutter to the wind. A mysterious stranger picks them up and weeps.

    • CookPassBabtridge says:

      Heh… ninja’d by a fair few minutes :) I really should read the comments first….

    • guygodbois00 says:

      “Epilogue: the abandoned and forgotten sheets of a design document bearing the symbols “lambda” and “three” flutter to the wind. A mysterious stranger dressed in an ordinary gray/blue two-piece business suit, holding a thin briefcase, picks them up. Hes mobile phone rings with default alarm sound; he answers it with simple and brisk “Yes”, following by authoritative “Send in the Freeman”. The music starts with uptempo and the camera soars to the skies.”

    • MellowKrogoth says:

      Alternate ending: the mysterious stranger finishes weeping and turns to the camera, the gleam of a new project in his eye. The audience, shocked and horrified, recognizes Peter Molyneux.

  17. CookPassBabtridge says:

    “Excellent. Then, to Ganymede! [Dons mech suit, punches through roof and jets skywards].”

    A lone gamer sits outside castle Valve, her head bowed solemnly. She stares at the floor in front of her, and a single tear falls from her cheek, before falling in slow motion. The camera tracks it, slowly, almost interminably, before striking a crudely chalk-drawn lambda symbol on the pavement, washing away a tiny fleck. Then one raindrop. Two. Three and four. The rain becomes heavier, and the symbol vanishes amongst small orange rivulets down a platinum coated drain

  18. spahj8i says:

    Jose`s report is cool, on friday I got a gorgeous Renault 4 from having made $9813 this-past/month and a little over 10k last munth. it’s by-far the most-financially rewarding I have ever done. I started this 8-months ago and almost straight away started to make minimum $70, per-hour. view it http://ho.io/Freelance

  19. Megakoresh says:

    The only reason why Valve has not flown to Ganymede is that they have to keep coming back to mend the hole in the roof.

  20. Devan says:

    Wait wait wait. That “No queues” and “All shall play instantly” part is inaccurate. The linked page seems to indicate nothing about matchmaking queues, meaning the time it takes for the system to put together two fairly-matched teams to play against each other. Instead they’re talking about previous limitations to the size of the Dota2 player base.
    Having “instant” matchmaking queues would severely limit the effectiveness of matchmaking as a whole since the only people you could be matched with are those who happened to choose to play the same mode as you at the exact same time, and that doesn’t leave much flexibility for making fair fights.
    It’s not just a question of server power, it’s a design tradeoff.

    Very entertaining article though :)

    • Mashhhhh says:

      I think they mean the sign up queue, not in game queues…

      • Devan says:

        @Mashhhhh
        Right, that’s what I intended to clarify. As a MOBA player if I hear “No more queues for Valve’s MOBA” it means the matchmaking time because that is what is most commonly referred to by “queues”, and the other text such as “None shall wait” seems to back that up.
        After all, if DOTA2 could truly eliminate queue times then that would significantly set it apart from other games in the genre, so a headline like that would be expected.
        Perhaps it’s a UK – NA thing. Over here we don’t use the word “queue” very often except to refer to something specific. All I’m saying is that the article should clarify that it’s not talking about the matchmaking queue.

  21. Mashhhhh says:

    HALF LIFE 3 THEY FORGOT HALF F***** LIFE 3!

  22. OlliX says:

    But… what about HALF LIFE 3? D:

  23. Boarnoah says:

    I wasn’t even aware dota required additional signup other than owning a steam account (which it still does?)

  24. Darklycan51 says:

    Registered just because of this article

    ——

    damn no freedom of speech? :( damn i will have to leave this ol’ site

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