Rambo Is A (Beautifully Mulleted) MACHINE OF WAR

By Nathan Grayson on January 13th, 2014 at 8:00 am.

Evil forest cowboys have never been the best strategists.

I’m kind of glad that Rambo: The Video Game is looking painfully generic. I mean, who better to carry the torch of ceaseless neckshank killsplosions than the man we all colloquially associate with the tropedemic anyway? (If you’d asked me a week ago, I would’ve said Michael Bay, but now I want a game where he kills people with crazy handshake-legswing combos.) It’s almost poetic, insofar as something I would consider the opposite of poetry can be poetic. But Rambo: The Video Game’s case of terminal generitis is also kind of a shame, given that the tense nature of the original film could’ve made for a pretty interesting videogame. Oh well, though. At least they totally got the mullet right.

Well, it at least looks like stealth is an option… sometimes. And hey, you’ve got a bow, and there’s climbing. Maybe it’ll be kinda Tomb-Raider-y? Or maybe, completely, absolutely not.

You know what I’d really like? A game about Sylvester Stallone’s insane physical abuse of his own body. Seriously. Even at age Still Shockingly Ripped For Being 67, he insists on performing his own stunts. Most recently, he broke his neck during the filming of the first Expendables, but past performances saw him break, well, pretty much everything else.

He’s a madman, clearly. I would love to play a physics-based game about flinging his creaking carcass into progressively more ridiculous Hollywood machinations. In between stunts, you’d have to manage his recovery, arrange gigs, and research new technology like adamantium skeletons. I would call it Sylvester Stallone Simutilator 2014. Thoughts?

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82 Comments »

  1. Hunchback says:

    Saw the trailer this weekend. This is totally ridiculous, even for a Rambo franchise. :D

  2. VCepesh says:

    I approve of your idea, Only it should be about Jackie Chan.

  3. pledouth says:

    Man, I saw so many movie-based games fail miserably (and deservedly), it is clear as day that this game is going to suck big time.

    • Dances to Podcasts says:

      I wonder which is worse, game-based movies or movie-based games?

      • roryok says:

        Has to be game-based movies, judging by the best of each.

        The best game-to-movie is probably the second Tomb Raider film, which is at best average.
        The best movie-to-game is probably Bladerunner, which is outstanding.

        • SillyWizard says:

          Wut.

          The first Resident Evil film, taken on its own merits, is pretty strong. And while not many other people seemed to appreciate it, the Doom film was a great slow-burn Aliens-type horror/action flick.

          But most importantly: while I understand the first Silent Hill movie may have cocked up some things, on the strength of Sean Bean alone it wins this contest.

        • Geebs says:

          The best game-to-movie is, and will always be, the first Mortal Kombat.

          The worst game-to-movie, in terms of taking something which was already pretty much an awesome movie and somehow turning it into a steaming pile, was Prince of Persia: TSOT

          • LionsPhil says:

            Dear Sir,

            I think you are most mistaken in your correspondence. Where you have written “Mortal Kombat”, I believe you do, in fact, mean “Street Fighter”. The confusion is quite understandable, since both games and films were competing rivals at the time.

            Glad that I was able to bring this grave error to your attention,
            Sir Panthera Leo

  4. staberas says:

    OH BOY, mark my words boys this is going to be reviewed as an exceptional fail….

  5. Gap Gen says:

    I hope you get to kill dogs and cry in a ruined police station.

  6. Loque says:

    Breathtaking animations.

  7. TheIronSky says:

    Is it just me or does this trailer make the game look like it’s on-rails?

  8. Rich says:

    Can anyone think of a “[movie]: The Video Game” that was actually good?

  9. TheSplund says:

    Looks like Far Cry3 meets Tomb Raider – I do hope it turns out better than most other film to game conversions.
    It could be as ‘on the rails’ as TR but that was still enjoyable.

    • USER47 says:

      I don’t think you really get how much “on-rails” this will be.

      This is on-rails in the sense of old shooters like Virtua Cop etc. You won’t control the movement at all, just point at stuff and click the mouse. Tomb Raider and other contemporary shooters bashed for their linearity are almost open world compared to this:).
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esxI8ZtceMQ

  10. Spakkenkhrist says:

    A sensitive study of the brutalising effect war has on the young men that fight them, and a turret section.

  11. MonkeyMonster says:

    Dear lord, woe is this trailer… a particularly fine bit is stepping out of the jungle with 3+ assailants… and you don’t get instantly shot let alone given time to saunter over while reloading of course to only then begin to shoot them.

    Yikes.

  12. Infinitron says:

    They should make a game of the original book, where Rambo is an insane killer and Teasle is the (co-)protagonist.

  13. Turkey says:

    The original movie score makes everything else in the trailer look even worse.

  14. ioNKi says:

    I come from the future just to inform you that this game stablished a precedent on the concept of what we understand by videogames nowadays. A real gem, truly inspirational, the ultimate Citizen Kane of videogames.

  15. Core says:

    >Well, it at least looks like stealth is an option… sometimes. And hey, you’ve got a bow, and there’s climbing. Maybe it’ll be kinda Tomb-Raider-y?

    According to the earlier press material it’s a rail shooter.

  16. mukuste says:

    I don’t know what kind of budget this had, but don’t the graphics look at least one generation behind the status quo?

  17. CookPassBabtridge says:

    WHY ISN’T THERE A GAME WITH CHUCK NORRIS IN IT YET. VIDYA GAMES YOU SOOO STOOOPID

  18. Spacewalk says:

    I can see a pretty good multiplayer game in this. I wonder if they thought of it too.

  19. funky_badger says:

    This is were truly to be a Rambo game, or, in fact, any game based upon 1980′s action movies, you should never have to reload and no matter how many bullets are shot at you, the most you should get is the odd flesh wound. Nothing else would work.

  20. Maze says:

    Holy CRAP this is hideous. The Rambo character model is less expressive than the TFC birthday guy from the original Half Life…

    • KevinLew says:

      Sometimes when I look at these game videos, I wonder if the creators were trying to be ironically funny. It’s pretty apparent that Rambo is not modeled very well, but the video seems to emphasize showing closeups of his face. It’s like the marketing team wants to show off how bad the game looks.

  21. Ladygrace says:

    At 00:33 That camera turn with the hair flicking in and out of the head and the skin moving looks soooo bad

  22. Snids says:

    A shame. Let’s not allow ourselves to forget that First Blood is an excellent film. Quite absurd really how the Rambo franchise developed.

    Go insane, then go be a hero!
    Broadly speaking, quite interesting to look back now meta-textually. The business of violence. Hollywood mirroring Rambos plight in some ways. Quite a lot of depth there that I don’t have the skills to fully articulate. I think Hideo Kojima had a go in MGS2 to some extent.

    • roryok says:

      Yeah it’s so odd. The first film is this thoughful piece about a broken war veteran that goes a bit loopy and has to be talked down from killing some police officers. Its not a film that should ever have had a sequel.

      • DatonKallandor says:

        Yeah Rambo 1 is one of the best anti-war films ever made. It’s entire message is “look at what we’re doing to our soldiers by sending them into war and not providing for them when they come back”. Rambo himself is absolutely not portrayed as a hero – he’s portrayed as the thing society should avoid creating.
        The whole “RAMBO LOVES TO KILL IT IS AWESOME YEAH!” thing the sequels have (although the latest one doesn’t really?) is just absurd and sad.

        • Kobest says:

          Agreed. Did you know that he was supposed to commit suicide at the end of the first film? You can watch the alternate ending on YT.

          Nevertheless, they showed the old ending to a bunch of morons, who thought Rambo killing himself is “too dark,” so the scene was rewritten, and lo-behold, now we have those pathetic sequels…

  23. mavu says:

    How nice of them, they even used graphics and animation effects from the 80′s. Now thats what I call authentic.

  24. EnragedPixel says:

    So it’s a “modern” Operation Wolf then?

  25. mpk says:

    Ooh bobblehead… NO WAIT DAMN YOU PRE-ORDER EXCLUSIVE YOU ALMOST HAD ME.

    Also: did they forget to license Stallone’s image?

  26. Universal Quitter says:

    This is satire, right? Please?

  27. Danda says:

    Why is RPS covering PS2 games?

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