By John Walker on March 4th, 2014 at 9:00 am.

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81 Comments »

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  1. brgillespie says:

    Just when I thought the level of reporting on RPS couldn’t possibly get any worse, they go and do something like this… AND TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES.

    • Jumwa says:

      Someone make an upvote button, fast!

      • quarpec says:

        no. dont

        • Premium User Badge

          tigerfort says:

          I think a Blue Peter-style upvote button, probably made out of a loo roll centre and a paper plate, might be a good thing to help John cope with his internet deprivation. He can use it when he approves of things, secure in the knowledge that it’s at least as effective as the real online thing.

      • Contrafibularity says:

        No, please don’t.

    • Fumarole says:

      That John Denver’s full of shit, man.

  2. LycanGav says:

    More like this please

  3. olemars says:

    I hear Vladimir Putin is eager to respond to pleas for help these days, so I forwarded this to the Kremlin.

    • SanguineAngel says:

      Perfect

    • Fellhuhn says:

      He is one of the few people willing to create new scenarios for war games. Kudos for that.

      • applecup says:

        Not really sure “Crimean War pt 2″ counts as ‘new’, technically.

      • Heliocentric says:

        War games and Olympic sports rarely cross over, so it’s nice to see efforts being made.

        • P.Funk says:

          Oh if only he had invaded the Crimea DURING the games, maybe, just maybe, all those fucking quadrennial figure skating nerds would be forced to accept how corrupt the games are.

          • HadToLogin says:

            Paralympic Games start 7 March in Sochi, that will be blast.

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        AndiK says:

        Yo dawg. I herd U like war games, so I put a war game into your war game, so you can war game while you war game.

      • TechnicalBen says:

        I hope it’s the most interesting FPS ever, where no shots are fired… well, we can hope.

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          AngelTear says:

          A semi-open-world Mirror’s-Edge-like in which you are a war journalist and you have to photograph war scenes and weapon deals and the likes, and depending on your choices and what you decide/manage to photograph and publish (or not publish, and blackmail a faction with) affects the storyline and your relationship with soldiers of either or both factions as well as the local civil population (a bit like Wikileaks’s Collateral Damage).

        • SillyWizard says:

          I’ve long been waiting for the “FPS” where you play as an unarmed army medic. You get the excitement of running around a battlefield, but no opportunities to engage in the fighting.

          Instead, find your wounded countrymen (and perhaps even enemymen) and perform quick operations on them in hopes of staving off death — or if it’s too late, just be a comforting presence in their final moments.

          I’d play that game.

          • jonfitt says:

            You can do that in Arma. I read a PC Gamer article from Evan Lahti where he joined a massive Op with ShackTac or a group similar to that and was put in the role of war correspondent.

            It required participation from the other players, but hard core Arma groups are totally into RoE and that kind of thing.

      • Lemming says:

        He just wants to be in the next Call of Duty, bless him.

    • Premium User Badge

      Anthile says:

      Genuinely surprised the article didn’t reference the Crimea crisis at all. Tom Clancy was obviously a medium.

  4. Syra says:

    This is the best.

  5. LooneyPoirot says:

    Bravo.

  6. Bull0 says:

    Seriously consider doing all your posts like this, it’s great.

  7. cafeoh says:

    what the fuck is that shit? John is excellent at drawing cartoons, but never drew any in your articles?

    You obviously have the humor, and you do cartoons, I believe this would be an absolutely AWESOME thing to add to your articles.

    • John Walker says:

      I’ve drawn every Horace pic we’ve used : (

      • CookPassBabtridge says:

        And he’s awesome.
        Will there ever be a plushie version?

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          lowprices says:

          It’s in production, but given the dimensions of Horace, the prototype model will never actually be finished.

          • CookPassBabtridge says:

            I would actually gladly pay for a horace (non infinite). 15 to 20 quid for infinite happiness? Bargain.

          • Syra says:

            The Horace bookends in production got scrapped. Not enough books in the world to make it realistic apparently.

          • SominiTheCommenter says:

            @CookPassBabtridge Blasphemy! Depicting Horace as non-infinite is a crime punishable by death.
            Thou shall not worship false idols.

          • jonfitt says:

            You just need to feed a pattern into the Loom of Fate. It can then eternally churn out endless bear.

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          MarkN says:

          He’d make a great draught excluder. One unit, no more draughts anywhere, ever.

      • Ergates_Antius says:

        You mean… those weren’t photographs????

        I feel betrayed.

      • Horg says:

        You mean STARTED drawing every Horace picture you’ve used. We have still not see one complete endless bear. Make it happen, no excuses.

  8. LunyAlex says:

    *slow clap*

  9. Premium User Badge

    Gap Gen says:

    OH NO. INTERNET. IS DOWN.

    THIS IS MEER, TAKING COMMAND. I SAY AGAIN, MEER, TAKING COMMAND.

  10. Premium User Badge

    DrScuttles says:

    If we all concentrate really hard and start chanting “internet” in unison, can we not gift John a little bit of our internet through the shared psychokinetic interweb of time that surrounds us and penetrates us and binds thinking machines together?

  11. GardenOfSun says:

    I especially appreciated the paper headline.

    Now I want a whole game about reviewing games done in this graphic style.

  12. Heliocentric says:

    John “Overcompensating secret misogynist” Walker is treading on thin ice here because he acknowledged he never played any Splinter Cell games but calls Thief 4 rather good.

    I WENT THERE.

  13. Zekiel says:

    Innovative multiplayer features you say? Count me in!

  14. Premium User Badge

    FullMetalMonkey says:

    Pulitzer prize-winning article here.

  15. DatonKallandor says:

    Isn’t Tom Clancy dead? Ubisoft should honor his memory by never releasing another game with Tom Clancy in the name.

  16. Premium User Badge

    Bluerps says:

    I suspect that the game that is shown in the pictures here is much more awesome than the game Ubisoft (maybe) announced.

  17. CookPassBabtridge says:

    That tank has ice cream drawn on the front of it. I can’t think of a pun. Someone help.

  18. SanguineAngel says:

    On the other hand I would quite dig a new Ghost Recon or Rainbow 6 game in the same vein as the originals

    • SillyWizard says:

      There’s this Takedown: Red Sabre game that came out a few months back…I don’t really know if it’s any good or not. But I think it was supposed to be like those other things you mentioned.

      Its was just recently 93% off on Steam. I’m guessing it’s not selling a great deal….

  19. Tei says:

    Random lines of random:

    “The details about this are … sketchy at best”
    “We can blame this on the cleptocraptas on Ukrania or the cleptocrata on Rusia?”
    “I am concerned a new war game can raise the prices on ram, I know that RAM is already cheaper than rammen, but still… ”
    “These that forget his RAM’s are forced to repeatly load from disc”.
    “Democracy is one man, one vote. And Putin is that man.”

  20. Serpok says:

    The lack of mouseover text, especially in an article like this, is appalling.
    Are you mimicking tablet-games developers and ignoring features that are unavailable on touch screens?

  21. Bullfrog says:

    Is this why there’s no new Rum Doings?

    I thought the blind had finally gotten to you.

  22. eclipse mattaru says:

    Goddamnit, show us some images from the actual damned game! When will this FARCE end? Those screens are CLEARLY pre-rendered video >:(