Another Goat Simulator Update, Another Incredible Trailer

By Nathan Grayson on June 4th, 2014 at 2:00 pm.

Goats on a bike! GOATS ON A BIKE

Goat Simulator really is just the dumbest thing, isn’t it? Naturally, that’s why everyone in the whole world loves it and I have a pet goat now. I was surprised (and let’s face it: a bit saddened) to find that real goats have functional neck bones and lack tongues that stretch like elastic and stick like gorilla glue, but them’s the breaks. Related: do not hurl real goats into traffic. They will break. That got a bit dark there, didn’t it? But you know what’s not dark? Goat Simulator’s new patch, which includes multiplayer, a new map, and a billion other bits and bobs. The patch notes are incredible, as is a new sunny-as-a-million-dandelion-fields trailer. See both below.

And now for a first. Here are some patch notes I highly, highly recommend that you actually read. Deep breath aaaaaaaaaaaand:

  • Added local splitscreen multiplayer
  • Added a new map, try it out in the “custom game” section
  • The humans have been given a brain with the cognitive abilities of a 4 year old
  • Humans consequently learned to speak. You’ll wish they hadn’t.
  • Added more goats
  • Isn’t this kid super cute?
  • Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.
  • Added more powers
  • Fixed the hitbox of flappy goat
  • Poured several buckets full of Optimization™ into the game
  • Made sure no class differences exists in Goat City Bay
  • Added tons of achievements
  • You can now run along walls
  • You can now run up walls
  • Stand by for Goatfall
  • Changed batteries in our fire alarm
  • The Goats have learned to ride bikes, press R to mount.
  • The Goats have learned to ride longboards, press R to mount.
  • The Humans have learned how to ride Goats
  • Enjoyed flappy goat
  • You can now buy hats for money
  • This woman made her skin look 20 years younger DOCTORS HATE HER click here
  • Fixed display of Int enchantments on crafted gear
  • Applying plastic wrap around your screen will now give you a 3D-effect.
  • Added VR support
  • Reverted hitbox of flappy goat
  • Made hitbox worse on flappygoat
  • Removed Flappy Goat, I hate that fucking game.
  • Got 11 points on Flappy Goat; readded Flappy Goat.
  • Spent more time writing jokes about Flappy Goat than working on the patch
  • Changed the points required for the Flappy Goat Achievement from 10 to 30
  • Just kidding.
  • Removed VR support
  • Ultra-realistic water simulation
  • Fire alarm still beeping
  • You can now swim. Well not really swim, more like float around in a semi-controlled buoyant propulsion fashion.
  • Added volume slider in options for NPC speech.
  • Deadmau5 has finally left EDM. Is now making Goatronica.
  • We went to see Godzilla. It was ok. Cool sound effects.
  • Updated patch notes.
  • Added a lot of new sound effects.
  • Mary had a little … GOAT!? Historians uncover new evidence, click here!
  • There is a new game inside of the game, it’s called SteamWorld Goat.
  • Honored Notch
  • Changed batteries in fire alarm. Again.
  • Wanted to add shadows to buildable blocks but couldn’t figure out how, can someone please tell us?
  • Patch notes now covers more than an A4.
  • Seriously stop making threads asking about patch notes 4 seconds after the patch goes live, calm down
  • Game downloading, does anyone have the patch notes?
  • New patch?
  • Patch released today does anyone know what it does
  • Where are the patch notes
  • Fire alarm still beeping
  • Why is the patch so big?
  • Lazy devs.
  • If you want we can zip it, then rar it to make it smaller. Do you want it on Megaupload?
  • Is this game worth it? Should I buy?
  • Devs please put the game on a sale so I can save 4 bucks
  • I don’t like ___, please add an option to remove ___
  • Performed Satanic rituals to summon Phil Fish
  • Plz come back
  • Actually optimized the game a bit
  • What use are ladders when you can run on the walls?
  • I hate water
  • Played a whole lot of Wildstar
  • Volvo pls fix ___.
  • Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
  • Added Uncle Goat, I’m sorry about my Goat.
  • Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
  • Added five new colors, all of which are unseeable by the human eye.
  • We actually bought a stuffed goat head IRL for our office, we have no idea what to do with it.
  • Updated our Meta Score to 91/100.
  • Killed PC gaming
  • How long will the patch notes be?
  • Changed batteries in the other fire alarm
  • Increased Storm Spirit’s Static Remnant AoE by 15.
  • Ride a bike with a human on your back. Not like this dude.
  • You can now play ragdoll goat hockey!

I really do adore both this game and the attitude behind it. Rampant silliness. That’s it. No pretensions of being anything else. It’s a comedic playground, and that’s wonderful. I wish more games would embrace the spirit of unbridled laughter. And unbridled goats. Do people bridle goats? Is that a thing?

Oh, and I totally agree. Godzilla was OK. Kinda boring, honestly. Fingers crossed for Goatzilla.

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76 Comments »

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  1. Bartack says:

    How much will I be paid for playing this garbage?

    • Gilead says:

      The important thing is that it keeps money in circulation and helps games journalists generate easy copy on a slow news day.

    • AndyTheGeeky says:

      -US$9.99

    • Chalky says:

      Why do you hate goats so much? You must be kidding.

    • Premium User Badge

      Gap Gen says:

      Sigh.

    • Niko says:

      I wish people paid me so I can have fun, but it’s usually the other way around.

    • dE says:

      Depends. Do you have a personality and charisma? Well, uhm, okay that’s fine. Many people manage without. We appreciate all kinds of people around here. In that case, just record yourself screaming into a cheap webcam while you play the game. Upload on Youtube. Won’t take long until you’re being paid money to play this game.

    • jonahcutter says:

      Nothing in hard currency.

      But you will be spared those who do love it insisting you “HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR OR JOY IN YOUR EXISTENCE” if you don’t love it as much as they do.

    • Shodex says:

      Nobody is paying you anything because nobody gains anything out of you playing their game and moaning like the living dead about it. I however, have something to gain from grabbing some beer and pissing the night away with a few friends while we try out various hats then hurl a goat into traffic.

      • Hahaha says:

        What do you have to gain? they are already friends so they aren’t going to become closer over this toy and paying for “fun” is a loss.

        • Shodex says:

          Is your username “Hahaha” to make up for the lack of happiness and fun you are able to have in real life?

          • Hahaha says:

            Im having more fun responding than playing goat simulator

          • Shodex says:

            Congrats dude. I’m glad you found your niche. If you get your kicks out of being an unlikeable twat over the internet then that’s more power to ya!

          • Hahaha says:

            And if you get your kicks from herp derp youtube bait then more power to you.

        • Wynter says:

          Today I learned two new words: Internets and Contrariness! By these powers combined I can disagree randomly with anything and seem superior despite lack of cohesion or logic!

          BEHOLD! I disagree with your statement and thus prove myself the victor – that will show those mean guys at my high school that I mean business.

          Now, where is that dictionary site? I need to look up this “trolling” thing….

          • Hahaha says:

            You have played to much goat simulator and seem to be talking about yourself

          • The Random One says:

            Gasp! Not the dreaded “yes you are but what am I” response! We are truly dealing with a debate master!

  2. McDan says:

    Patch notes of the year.

  3. BobbyDylan says:

    I loled.

  4. aksen says:

    i had more fun playing on the new map for the last hour than i’ve had in 30 years of gaming*.

    * – may be an exaggeration.

  5. gabrielonuris says:

    In a world filled with awesome digital game deals, where my backlog seems to grow as a germ colony, I think I will never, EVER play this game, and I won’t feel a single flying swinge for that. Actually I only remember this exists when I see posts like this one.

    • sweeces says:

      Dude, my kids (ages 9, 5, 3) absolutely LOVE this game. They spend the entire time I play it in uncontrollable laughter and any time we have family game time they request this game by name….so you may want to check it out it’s pretty quirky.

      • Hahaha says:

        Or you know if they have kids he may want to help by providing something that will make them more intelligent instead of turning them in to the next herp derp generation.

    • matnym says:

      k

  6. Durandir says:

    Damn, seems like I need to reinstall this! Just uninstalled it last week to save space. Only local multiplayer though? Oh well, I can understand the difficulty in making this work online.

    Also, always fun to see all the “I am too cool to like this game”-people come out and say their piece. You are all very cool for not liking this game, and spending your hard earned time saying how lame you think it is. Good for you!

    • Hahaha says:

      The toy is retarded and “hard earned time” why do people say this? it took less than 2 mins to write this post…..

      • Squirly says:

        Still wasting your time here. Bottom line is, a game that costs a fraction of the latest shiny piece of AAA garbage is providing more fun than said AAA garbage, has an update that adds more to the game than said AAA garbage offers in paid DLC and is making a bunch of people happy.

        It must frustrate you so much.

        • Hahaha says:

          BF3 is free and pVz was free on orgion both games provide more fun and the last AAA game I brought was the total war bundle which gets me much more than buying this.

          wasting my time? no, that would be your time.

          “Congrats dude. I’m glad you found your niche. If you get your kicks out of being an unlikeable twat over the internet then that’s more power to ya!”

          • Shodex says:

            I’m curious as to the reason you quoted my post. Unless you think wearing insults directed towards you like a badge disproves them.

          • Hahaha says:

            If I’ve found my “niche” and get my “kicks out of being an unlikeable twat” then this would be time well spent from my viewpoint and a waste of time for you.

      • Wynter says:

        Stop wasting your hard earned minutes! It took years of work to become the condescending shithead you are today – don’t throw that away on game-enjoying simpletons! Go join MENSA or write stern editorials for your local paper, maybe knock the ice cream out of a child’s hand and give them a lecture on nutrition. Wastrel!

      • Durandir says:

        You are kinda bad at this whole “trolling”-thing, you know? I believe a troll tries to make people angry, while your exaggerated attempts at saying how much of a bad game you think this is just comes off as pathetic. Every level-headed adult can see that if something can provide joy then it is good. You might not find it amusing yourself, you might even hate it. But if it doesn’t hurt anyone while making just a few people smile, then it is a good thing. So cheer up, life is too short to waste on trying to make other people miserable.

        • Hahaha says:

          That rasies the question why your on a site where peoples personal opinions are posted since all I’m doing is posting my opinions on the game. it’s not my fault if people take disapproval of what they like to heart.

        • Shodex says:

          Pretty much what Durandir said, if you’re going to troll you have to piss people off, get them angry, make them make fools of themselves. This just sort of leaves me a little disappointed, with a tinge of pity for the sad cynical commenter, then I go about my day and enjoy fun.

        • drinniol says:

          No, Durandir, trolls say something stupid and then try and pass it off as LOL TROLLING.

          This understanding has changed my view of the internet. Trolls are just dumbarses.

  7. Premium User Badge

    JamesTheNumberless says:

    I love the mention of Phil Fish, there are a few Phil Fish wannabes around who moan about games like this, who could do with having a goat catapulted into their faces.

    • Hahaha says:

      “who could do with having a goat catapulted into their faces”

      Why would you resort to animal abuse which will seriously hurt someone?

      • Wynter says:

        It’s good that we have someone here with the common sense and decency to stand up for helpless Internet goats that live in computers.

        For shame, metaphor-indulging commenter, your callous indifference endangers the lives of E-goat and Phil Fishes alike. Bravo to Hahaha for saying what we all are feeling even when we aren’t!

  8. Shodex says:

    No fun allowed!
    No goats allowed!
    Video games are serious business!

    • Premium User Badge

      OctoStepdad says:

      ^ best comment on a article with the best patch notes for the best game of all time!

      (Not really the best game but I have enjoyed my time with it and glad I bought it when it came out.)

  9. grodit says:

    Deadmau5 has finally left EDM. Is now making Goatronica.

    Youtube search on Goatronica: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jT8ezOBzvDs&list=PLA9B12D4EA5304036

    Now blast that Psytrance through your SPEAKERS!

    • dE says:

      Goa-tronica. Surely this is a genre that exists already? I know they come up everytime a band applies a different instrument, or in the case of electronic music: Found a new button to smash on the keyboard (sorry, I’ll see myself out).

  10. Premium User Badge

    DrScuttles says:

    Can’t believe I paid nearly £20 to see Godzilla. ‘Okay’ is far too generous an appraisal for a film I can only credit for having good sound design. Yeah, the fighting was entertaining but Bryan Cranston and Ken Watanabe were wasted. A shame given that Edwards’ Monsters was, if not exactly great, at least interesting.

    • Premium User Badge

      J. Cosmo Cohen says:

      Speaking of Godzilla, is Pacific Rim worth a watch?

      • Premium User Badge

        DrScuttles says:

        It’s a slice of very silly fun. Not the kind of film to really stick in your head for very long after viewing, but definitely worth a blast.

      • Niko says:

        If you like giant humanoid robots and good camerawork (e.g. not like in Michael Bay’s Transformers). It’s also the only film I know where a kaiju gets hit in the head with a tanker, so.

      • Premium User Badge

        Monkeyshines says:

        I thought it was surprisingly dull. I went in for big dumb spectacle and Guillermo Del Toro, thinking that it would at least scratch that itch. Didn’t work for me at all.

        I did watch it on the rather small computer screen though, it might have made a bigger impact on IMAX.

        • Niko says:

          Big robots require big screens. So yeah, you might have done it a little bit wrong.

          • Dances to Podcasts says:

            Yeah, on a computer screen you’d only see their feet!

          • Premium User Badge

            J. Cosmo Cohen says:

            Thanks for all the replies. All of this is basically what I’d concluded, but my hope is that I’ll still enjoy it on a smaller screen.

  11. Grottismo says:

    never ever will play etc

    Based on the patch notes these guys should join a decent studio\hire proper programmers and artists (unless this isn’t a total joke and they can do something proper) and starting making actual games with proper, intelligent writing. This display of stupidity shows more imagination and willpower than like, anything being advertised beside this article, for example.

    Also no one will have fun playing this game alone

  12. Mittens89 says:

    I think Goat Simulator is fun. I enjoy it for what it is. Does that make me a bad person?

  13. Muzman says:

    I think somehow gaming needs gonzo-gaming. The overweening pomposity of things like Watch Dogs and CoD needs an antidote.

    • EvaUnit02 says:

      Watch Dogs has a number of Saints Row-esque batshit insane mini-games. Eg spider tank destruction rampages. They take place in VR naturally as else they would totally clash with the tone of the main game world.

    • cylentstorm says:

      Gonzo gaming? Yes, please. I have arrived at the point where I would much rather work in the “real” world at a shitty occupation (office/labor,) or at least do something rather than take on the second (or third/fourth/ etc.) job that most modern games have become… Can you believe that we actually pay THEM for that?

  14. steviebops says:

    Is that Turk and J.D. on the cover image?

  15. cylentstorm says:

    Damn–looks like I missed the usual verbal slap-fight yet again. You know: Random statement. Reply. Opinion about statement, ignore reply. Statement about reply, ignore statement. Direct comment, possibly even about the article. Trolling. Troll-bashing. Troll-bashing-hating. Anti-troll-bashing-hating. Formation of impromptu support group for butt-hurt people. Rinse, repeat.

    Seriously, though–Goat Simulator is the best bad “game” that I have played in seemingly forever. As has been previously stated, it is pure, unadulterated buggy joy…with goat physics and a distinct lack of pretense.