The Risen 3 Report, Day 3: Jack The Sack

By Alec Meer on August 14th, 2014 at 2:00 pm.

Once I noticed, I couldn’t stop noticing.

Maybe this needs a not entirely safe for work warning. Very much depends on your workplace, however.

Real name Venturo. Works for the Inquisition. Heavily Welsh-accented. Has a brave approach to coin storage.









Previous, less distressing instalments of the Risen 3 Report are here.

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52 Comments »

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    amateurviking says:

    Boak

  2. Christo4 says:

    Umm… Ok…

  3. RARARA says:

    What the…

  4. Keyrock says:

    So he’s got an old-timey fanny pack, what’s the big deal?

  5. Syt says:

    Let’s hope he doesn’t run into a cutpurse.

  6. Premium User Badge

    SuddenSight says:

    When seconds matter, it helps to keep all of your valuables in the same place.

  7. Niko says:

    Now that’s objective journalism, no “opinions” or any of that gobshite. Let screenshots speak for themselves, right?

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    distantlurker says:

    Poor guy, he must be skint. Or every time he stopped suddenly he’d get a ‘sack full of gold’.

  9. plugav says:

    Between this guy and the protagonist’s sister, I’m starting to think they were intentionally going for a porny feel.

  10. Sleepymatt says:

    It seems developers of unrealistic and inappropriate armour have reached new… (ahem) lows. This Leather BallBag of Scrotal Defence +1 quite clearly offers no protection to the right testis. Outrage!!!1!

  11. SRTie4k says:

    You sure that’s not his gun sack?

  12. Drake Sigar says:

    Safest place in the world. You think a bloke isn’t going to notice a pickpocket that close to his vitals?

  13. Gothnak says:

    So you spend the first report talking about the female Pirate’s treasure chest and the 3rd part talking about this chap’s special crotch purse… Does that mean the sexism has evened out? :)

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    blind_boy_grunt says:

    so did you google for that last image (and what did you search for) or did you have that lying around for when the need arises.

    • Alec Meer says:

      Little of column A, little of column B. You probably don’t want to type ‘testicle thong’ into google images though.

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        Morlock says:

        One thing that’s safe to google is Washington Crossing the Delaware. Today’s report reminds me of Washington’s crotchy “watch fob”.

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        melnificent says:

        I was reading a superman comic and came across a villain called Titanman who always wore a mask. Anyway long story short “Titanmen without mask” falls under the never google rules too.

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      AlwaysRight says:

      I believe it’s called a ‘sidekini’ … a friend told me.

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      Jackablade says:

      I get a link about those peculiar garments in the RPS “promoted stories” all the time. I’d assumed that the crew here were just big fans.

  15. Chris England says:

    I would hazard a guess that the garments those delightful young gentlemen are wearing are called “cockstraps” (because obviously).

    I’m too frightened to google it at work to check though.

  16. bstard says:

    What a lot of bollocks.

  17. mvar says:

    So what’s this article all ab… *scrolls down* OH LORD MY EYES

  18. Urthman says:

    So glad you were able to get the game running in HD on your hardcore PC in time for this important update.

  19. almostDead says:

    Not bad work, if you can get it.

  20. Premium User Badge

    JamesTheNumberless says:

    Some clothing is practical and is worn to do physical stuff in, other clothing is worn as a sign of status precisely because it’s impractical for doing physical work in. I think the guy in these screenshots is extremely confused.

  21. almostDead says:

    That model was obviously designed by a Woman, with no frame of reference for the impracticality of placing a coin purse where it could knock your nuts.

    Too many women making games.

  22. Premium User Badge

    phuzz says:

    0.o

    My eyes!

    • Sleepymatt says:

      I’m glad you clarified. I assumed those were your balls, after a day wearing a unilateral testiclebra.

  23. remon says:

    Fuck you RPS, I could have easily lived my life without seeing that picture.

  24. james___uk says:

    I was eating ice cream! Unlike my ice cream that was not cool!

  25. revan says:

    I knew it! It was a mistake switching from laptop to your gaming PC, Alec. There is such a thing as too much detail.

  26. NarcoSleepy says:

    Wait… What does the Nut Thong attach to in the back?!

    • PopeRatzo says:

      I’m just guessing here, but I think goes around one leg and is stretchy and held up by the hip. Probably not practical for skateboarding.

    • Barberetti says:

      The other end is tied in a knot.

      I think you can guess where the knot goes.

  27. PopeRatzo says:

    I work at a store that sells little purses made to look like scrotal sacks, so this is very much safe for work.

  28. yul says:

    Complaining about female characters and “funny” pictures. That’s what RPS has come down to these days. Good job Alec.

    • DXN says:

      I agree with this guy. Really enjoying retroactively reading through these, Alec!

  29. kament says:

    Never met the guy. And I’m already about ten hrs into the game. Best Risen experience so far (which is not saying too much, but still, one can manage to have fun with this one). In short: the first island I’ve been to is about the same size as the… what’s it called, the island from the first game? And from what I gather there’s four of them. They weren’t kidding: it could very well be the biggest Riranha bytes game to date.

    Still the same clunky Gothic feeling to it, though.

  30. Premium User Badge

    skalpadda says:

    So, er, in Swedish the word for coin purse and scrotum is the same (pung). Is the same true for German?

    • Niko says:

      In Russian those are related words as well.

    • Sleepymatt says:

      …perhaps explaining the etymology of the phrase: “the money shot”.

    • dE says:

      Somewhat but not as directly. “Sack” is a somewhat outdated lower class word for a bag and can refer to a multitude of things, usually further described with a prefix. “Drecksack” – Dirtbag. “Geldsack” – Moneybag. In Slang however, “Sack” can also refer to the balls. In this meaning, it’s usually used in sentences like “Du gehst mir auf den Sack”, indicating that someone is annoying, somewhat literally translated as “you’re treading on my balls” but more closely meaning you’re annoying me.

      • UncleLou says:

        Perfect explanation, let me just add that “Hodensack” is the medical, non-latin word for “scrotum”, so while the short form “sack ” is a slanfg word, it’s derived from the “official” term.

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        skalpadda says:

        Wow, thanks. We have sack as well as a general word for bag, though don’t use that in the “nutsack” sense (and spell it properly, with an “รค”). I thought it might have been a brilliant “We heard you like scrotums, so we put a scrotum on your scrotum” gag in there, but alas. :)

  31. racccoon says:

    He must be knackered every time he runs

  32. Megakoresh says:

    This game is like Ride to Hell: Retribution with a big budget. It’s got everything Ride to Hell does, but more of it. More shitty voice acting. More diabolical clunky and unresponsive combat. More plastic. More 2005-level graphics. More $ to pay. And more sales.

    What is the world coming to…

  33. holliday50 says:

    Well that thing really Totes meh Scrotes….