The Risen 3 Report, Day 5: The World’s Longest Arm Wrestle

By Alec Meer on August 27th, 2014 at 5:00 pm.

The story so far. Now: arm-wrestling.

Four minutes. Four long, boring, exhausting minutes. Am I trolling this guy, or do I just not know how to arm wrestle?

Little of column A, little of column B. I have heard the mystics tell of ‘quick time events’, an ancient scourge from a far-off land, but as accomplished an arm-wrestler as I might be, it took me a little while before I could adjust to the additional complications of this otherworldly evil.

You win a special prize if you manage to sit through all of this:

The special prize is that you will continue to believe you can hear that creaking noise for the rest of the day.

Creak, creak, creak. Motionless faces. Silent mouths. Creak, creak, creak. Arm wrestling is VERY SERIOUS. So serious that, even on this island full of demonic terrors, conversational ghosts and far, far too many giant spiders, we successfully proved that one man has a slightly stronger limb than another man. Good job, men.

I’m arm-wrestling this guy because of a woman. To clarify, I am not at all interested in this woman, but the other guy very much is. Despite the fact that his best mate is too. Despite the fact that she’s privately agreed to marry both of them. Despite the fact that they seem to have been stood right next to each other while she arranged this deception. Despite the fact that her skin has this funny spectral sheen to it.

I mean, come on, she might as well be wearing a hat which reads “Hello I’m a demonic hellbeast in disguise and rather than just attacking everyone on this island with my massive bone-claws I’m for some reason going to trick two of them into falling in love/lust with me then wait for a wannabe-heroic passer-by to come along and kill them for me, and also isn’t this an impressively wide hat?”

Yes, she’s just asked me to murder both her suitors, with the promise of Special Cuddles if I do so. Clearly, she’s another hellbeast in disguise, much like that accursed duck-turkey. I should probably try and kill her, because saving the world and all that jazz, but the thing is, those two guys have been saying awful things about women. Awful, awful things that I’m not going to repeat. They’re a pair of one-track-minded arseholes with zero respect for anything except their pork swords, they really are, and they’re going to end up in a well-known series of online videos about how women are depicted in videogames if they’re not careful. So I’m not altogether disinclined to attack them instead of her.

Really though, there are no heroes here. I don’t want to be the one to stab first (or fire first. I’ve got a crossbow now, which pleases me enormously). Fortunately – in a horrible sort of way – I manage to talk someone into attacking me first. I do this by swearing at them.

Unfortunately it’s Shimmery-Skinned Blatantly Demonic Lady who throws the first punch, having taken umbrage either at my potty mouth or the fact that I’ve somehow rumbled her cunning and not at all completely obvious deception. She turns into a hellbeast, and its fight, fighty, fight.

What’s really sad about this whole affair is that the guy is too broken-up to want to arm wrestle anymore. Aww. It was oddly relaxing.

Elsewhere on Fog Island, I:

  • Convinced a man to not eat a funny-looking fish, because that’s clearly what happened to his missing best friend. Unsurprisingly, another hellbeast was behind it. What, exactly, is their masterplan? What’s the endgame for turning people into fish or disguising themselves as wildfowl and clearly mendacious shiny women? Presumably it didn’t involve me stabbing them all to death.
  • Got taught how to pull teeth out of animals’ corpses. This sounds minor, but I was rather perturbed by previously being unable to do anything with the corpses of my enemies. You gotta have a trophy, right?
  • Found the corpse of a ghost’s long-lost daughter but he wouldn’t tell me what to do next so I abandoned that quest.
  • Became increasingly annoyed that the locks on all the chests around here were too complicated for me to pick.
  • Won a fight against a Ghoul despite getting my foot stuck on a bit of rock and being left unable to move for the duration.
  • Listened to Bones tell me a story about his itchy leg. I’ve actually got another crew member who’s probably far better at fighting than my scenery-chewing voodoo chum, but honestly, there’s just no way I could leave Bones behind.

All in all, it’s been a pleasant diversion, but I suppose I’d better get on with the business of rescuing my soul from the underworld now. Let’s go and find a wizard or something.

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24 Comments »

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  1. FurryLippedSquid says:

    Am I imagining there used to be a game on the 8 bits based on the Stallone film about arm wrestling? That really memorable one that I can’t recall…

    • HothMonster says:

      There was an arm wresting game but it was, unfortunately, not based on Over the Top.

      • tanith says:

        That vide… I find it very disturbing mainly because I don’t understand the sounds at all. It doesn’t sound like anything a human being, or something remotely human, could produce.

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      Jackablade says:

      There was an old arm wrestling game in the arcade where I am. I think they finally removed it after the big hydraulic fibreglass arm neatly popped someones shoulder out of its socket..

    • Javier-de-Ass says:

      Yep, it’s the arm wrestling mini game in Track & Field 2. Based on/inspired by/homage to Over the Top.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txUIq2O3wPE

  2. kament says:

    Been waiting for this, thanks!

  3. waltC says:

    The guy in the foreground is cheating. That’s not a salt shaker in his left hand; it’s a wooden peg attached to the table.

    • K_Sezegedin says:

      They both have salt shaker pegs, both are cheating equally.

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    padger says:

    Well that sold me this game. All I’ve ever wanted is an arm-wrestling subgame… wait a minute – isn’t this in The Witcher 2?

    • crowleyhammer says:

      And Final Fantasy VII

    • HothMonster says:

      It was a mouse slidey keep the thingy in the other thingy mini-game though, not a button pushy one.

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      Anthile says:

      There was also arm wrestling in Fallout 2. It’s pretty much only winnable with the help of drugs and if you lose your player character kind of gets raped.

      • Drayk says:

        I remember this. But you’re armwrestling a Super mutant, so it’s not wonder you have to cheat.

  5. Renevent says:

    I went a different route…considering the promise of a bedroom romp coupled with the fact the two guys were jerks anyways, I decided to just outright kill them both. After what sounded like an amazing night for both parties, the hell beast woman attacked and we proceeded to have a fight to the death. I am completely satisfied with this outcome; best quest in the game!

  6. Dale Winton says:

    I’ve played this for 40 hours now and I am just on chapter four

    It’s basically a really , really long version of Risen 2 (which I completed in 22 hours)

  7. phelix says:

    Wow, those wooden voices. And I thought Skyrim had bad VA…

  8. AyeBraine says:

    I suspect that the player is supposed to mash the button when the prompt starts flashing. It sort of looks like the game resets time and again after the flashing prompt.

    • UncleLou says:

      That’s basically what it does, but you’re supposed to hit a different button at this point.

  9. Tei says:

    I am playing this game has a vodoo pirate. My first and only arm wrestle match lasted like 15 min, I was unable to win, but I did not wanted to lose. Did not knew what the game wanted me to do to end it.

    My companion (I don’t remember the name) has a rifle, so both of us fire at range, so we can kill many things withouth getting in melee distance. I shot green balls of bees, and he shot with the rifle. He is also good with melee.

    Locks: they have invented a new minigame, that don’t have any of game of it. I think I am going to end the game withouth undertanding what was the point of that.

    Quest: I am playing this like Skyrim or New Vegas, and talk to everyone, kill all hostiles, steal everything, talk to everyone until all talk options are visited. The game don’t seems 100% suited for that, It feels the game expect the player to play more lineary, but don’t stop me from ignoring that… and thats nice.

  10. jpm224 says:

    I miss Evil Pirate Porn Star Sister Patty :(

  11. Brosecutor says:

    Yeah, Piranha Bytes’ policy about women in their games can be summarized with “we are fucking cavemen, and we’re proud of it, and what you’re gonna do about it, buddy?”.

    That said: Get off the damn DLC island and to the main islands. It’s where the game really picks up. And keep reporting, it’s glorious.

  12. Ravenine says:

    Fail on the arm-wrestling. Just spam the last button when it flashes, beat that same guy in 15 seconds, tops.

  13. bumblingnorwegian says:

    Will there be a wot? How’s it coming along?