Author Archive

Free Loaders: The Undefinable Horror of Carrots

This week’s selection of excellent or otherwise interesting free games features rabid dogs, sharp knives, worms, slime moulds, procedurally generated poops with little smiling faces and, oh yes, a dictatorial owl with severe megalomania.


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Free Loaders: It’s Been Emojional

You awake to the gentle motion of rocking. The train carriage is empty. How did you get here? Behind you, a thump. You spin around but there is only a large trunk in the aisle – it must have fallen from the rack above. After a while staring at the box, your curiousity takes hold. You click open the first latch. Did the box just twitch? You click open the second. You peel open the trunk and — Oh god! Get it off! A free game has leapt from the luggage and is devouring your pectoral muscle like a lamprey eel and you tear at it in horror but more free games are slithering out of the trunk, they’re latching onto your ankles, your shins, your belly, oh god, you feel light-headed, oh god, how did it come to this. What maniac let these games on board!?

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Wot I Think: Rebel Galaxy

Rebel Galaxy [official site] came storming out of warp recently and has been threatening people with its giant starboard cannons, telling them to come and join the space cowboy adventure. We told Brendan to get on board, or else. Let’s see wot he thinks.

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The 10 Best Hacking, Coding, Computing Games

Three weeks ago the UK telecoms provider TalkTalk was hacked, allegedly by a band of teenagers, compromising some 157,000 users details. This week hacktivist group Anonymous released personal details of hundreds of members of the Ku Klux Klan. And now the UK government wants a record of all the websites you’ve visited to be stored for 12 months, to be accessed at the discretion of police and security services. Clearly, we already live in a constantly evolving cyberpunk dystopia. But if this Gibsonist world is just too REAL for you, we have put together the ten best videogames about hacking, programming and computing so you can escape into meta-dystopia. Which I’m sure is a much better place.

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Free Loaders: Score Pints To Win

'Pints! Pints! Wherever they may be...

I was at the swimming pool this week and an old lady asked me what I did for a living. I told her I write about free videogames on the internet. “Oh,” she said, “Like SpillTender, Trills, Monster Streaking, Morse and Maddening Relapse 2?”

I stared at her.

“You know, you should write about Birdland too.”

“Shut up,” I said. “You’re fictional. This whole damn pool is fictional. Shut up. Just shut up.”

Then I swam away (front crawl).

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Free Loaders: Spooky Halloween Special

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN. From showing your demons the middle finger to backflipping your way past pumpkins and vampire bats, we have lots of skin-crawling, Halloween-themed free games for you this week. But also some normal games so that you do not become too frightened. I know how sensitive you are.

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Free Loaders: MSN_lover Is Typing…

We all know the correct response here.

I told my brother I had to write a column about free games today and he said: “Free games like when you bundle a load of socks up and then get your mates to add their socks and it keeps growing until you have a football?”

No, I said. But I will mention that, thanks.

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Just Cause 3 Has Learned From The Modders


Here’s how it went: I tied three cars to the helicopter, took off and smashed them into a building like a trio of wrecking balls before firing infinite missiles at every car I saw in a long trail the whole way to the top of the island’s highest mountain, whereupon I leapt out and saw my chopper plummet to the ground just as I opened my wingsuit and glided the whole 8km back to the seaside where I opened my parachute, landed on a rusty old fishing boat, threw the captain overboard and piloted it calmly back to shore only to beach the old rust bucket and begin shooting all the billboards in port with a machine gun the size of my whole body. I did not complete any mission objectives in Just Cause 3 [official site] by doing any of this, but I did set the record for longest wingsuit flight, and also: who the hell cares?

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Wot I Think: else Heart.Break()

It was three o’clock in the afternoon when the drugs began to wear off. I was sitting on a bench waiting for the factory workers to leave the building behind me so I could sneak in and steal some important files. The drug in question was a nameless multicoloured square that speeds up time. I took it so I could break in sooner but I had accidentally clicked on the screen, interrupting the effects. I looked in my bag for more drugs. Nothing. But I did have a cigarette. What if…?

I got out the cigarette and hacked it. I typed ‘FastForward()’ into its code and then took a quick puff. It worked. Seagulls started flying around me in timelapse trails, rain came and went in seconds, the sun went down, and the workers scuttled out of the factory one by one. It was 7.30pm. Time to get to work.

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Hands On – Rainbow Six: Siege

Rainbow Six Siege [official site] is being held hostage in its last stages of development. We dispatched Brendan to breach and clear and also write about it.

The latest Rainbow Six game begins with Angela Bassett telling you that a new terrorist threat has made itself known. One with incomparable resources and intelligence. She’s getting the band back together, and giving you all the power you need to hunt these villains down.  “Borders and protocols,” she says, “are irrelevant”. Apart from being a shocking dismissal of international law, this sentence sums up the game pretty well. See that wall? Irrelevant. See that door? Immaterial. And why should we use the front door, like good neighbours, when we can just blow a hole in the goddamn ceiling?

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