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  1. #1
    Obscure Node
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    My 11year old daughters first game review..was quite impressed.

    Here it is...

    "
    Castle Crashers review:
    This game honestly has me confused, not over the story, the characters or what the hell I just played. Itís that I have no idea whether I like it or not. It has some good things and bad things all are powerful and opinion swapping, Itís also got me particularly confused because I am a very opinionated person and not having an opinion on something is very rare and strange for me.
    The first thing that I love about Castle Crashers is the graphics; they can be so cute and disturbing, that it honestly makes me want to live there. They also have a huge downfall and that is that (mostly if you have the fire knight/poison knight as your team-mate) threes so much going on that you seem to lose your mind and have no idea what to do. This happens to me lots of times to the point where I end up just dyeing on purpose and watch my friend own everyone and everything.
    There is also a problem with accuracy, mostly with your crossbow and spells since the up down side-scrolling movement and is way too accurate because when you try and hit enemies that your electric and ice spells are useless.
    Thereís also the whole levelling system where the more times you hit in an enemy the more XP you get, seems good right? Because the people who suck will have weak weapons will hit them more! Yes and no, because the good players will have eliminated all the enemies before the weaker can get a piece of the action. Rendering the levelling system useless. There is also the stat system; you get two points-after levelling up- to give to any stat but only one point to give after level 20 and onward. These starts are: Strength/attack, Magic, Defence/Health Points and Agility/Speed. There is nothing bad or good about these so letís move on.
    The story is extremely hard to follow sometimes and the random map directions are also. There are things you get that you don't know what they are for is really irritating (e.g, the telescope, wheel and compass are things you get and at that point you may or may not have any idea what they are for and confuse you further) there is no narrative or explaining of what you need to do next.
    Since the story isn't fleshed out enough you don't give two monkeys butt-cheeks about it at all. Of course, that doesn't mean there aren't any memorable moments, one of the main ones is the poo-powered dear that you find early on in the game and continues to appear throughout the game. This game relies on humour but most of it is the weird/creepy/disturbing looking enemies so if thatís not what you're after then the humour in this game isn't for you.
    The actual battling itself is pretty decent, apart from the visual problems I mentioned before; it has a wide range of different animations for the same attack and different attacks for different combos. You get these by levelling up and increasing that stats-magic also does this.
    The music in this game is absolutely the bees head shoulders (?) knees and toes, my favourites being the forest entrance theme and the necromancer theme.
    The worst part of the entire game is the controls on a keyboard; it always shows the tutorial combos in Xbox controller style and leaves you to experiment when in the middle of a fight. You see my fellow PC gamers; this is what we get for being so loyal to our desktops! Also the translations SWITCH yes, you read me, SWITCH for example, it shows the itís the X button on Xbox to pick up a weapon, the keyboard translation is d, okay, fair enough. Then you're fighting D is also X for light attack just like before, OH NO! Your enemy has sword clashed it tells you to press X on Xbox PRESS D PRESS D.Oh wait, noooo! Itís the space bar, how stupid! Aaaand you're dead, congratulations.
    I should also mention the two other modes, All You Can Quaff and Arena Mode. All You Can Quaff is a simple button mashing game that takes place in a food eating contest, first to finish all the food wins, yay! Arena Mode is what you'd expect; you fight for glory in the ring of honour, RAAAH!
    Anyways, that concludes my review of Castle Crashers and all its screw ups and giggles, hope you enjoyed it!"

  2. #2
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Skalpadda's Avatar
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    That was rather good and I see she's already a PC gaming supremacist. I particularly enjoyed the bit about the poo-powered dear!

  3. #3
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Jesus_Phish's Avatar
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    Better than anything on IGN.

    *EDIT*

    I'm not being funny, it actually is. Your daughter made a review about a game that's rather old at this stage very enjoyable. It's surpassed everything on IGN.
    Last edited by Jesus_Phish; 25-03-2013 at 08:33 PM.
    "Halo is designed to make the player think "I look like that, I am macho sitting in my undies with my xbox""

    Steam ID

  4. #4
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus DaftPunk's Avatar
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    Haha this is golden :D

  5. #5
    Lesser Hivemind Node TillEulenspiegel's Avatar
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    At 11, I think my best attempt at a review would have been "oh my god daggerfall is fucking amazing". It is, tho.

  6. #6
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Berzee's Avatar
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    "There is nothing bad or good about these so let's move on."

    :D
    Support for my all-pepperjack-cheese food bank charity drive has been lukewarm at best.

  7. #7
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Drake Sigar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jesus_Phish View Post
    Better than anything on IGN.
    Agreed. There's no rating at the end though. Future RPS writer?

  8. #8
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    Thats not bad, but you missed a beat, this should have been on kickstarter!

  9. #9
    Moderator Anthile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drake Sigar View Post
    Agreed. There's no rating at the end though. Future RPS writer?
    Quote Originally Posted by Kiril View Post
    Thats not bad, but you missed a beat, this should have been on kickstarter!
    Send her to the RPS camp!
    to wound the autumnal city.

  10. #10
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Nalano's Avatar
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    We should have a contest: "Can You Write Better Than an 11 Year Old?"

    Because girl set a pretty good standard.
    Nalano H. Wildmoon
    Director of the Friends of Nalano PAC
    Attorney at Lawl
    "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy." - Woody Allen

  11. #11
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Smashbox's Avatar
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    I don't know if it counts as a review coz wares the score?

    As for the review: 10/10

  12. #12
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Heliocentric's Avatar
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    Where is the score! Looks like a 7/10
    I'm failing to writing a blog, specifically about playing games the wrong way
    http://playingitwrong.wordpress.com/

  13. #13
    Lesser Hivemind Node
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    I would like to read more of this.

  14. #14
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus
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    You need to set her up her own site and let her review more games. I am 100% serious. This was fantastic. I love that she is already a proud member of the glorious PC master race. I have a 3 week old son, and I am already thinking about when to have the talk about the pitfalls and errors of console gaming. Drugs, too. I'll probably tell him to steer clear of drugs.
    "What were we talking about? Pegasuses, pegasii, that's horses with wings. This motherf*cker got a sword that talks to him. Motherf*cker live in places that don't exist, it comes with a map. My God."

  15. #15
    Obscure Node
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    I'd be very happy for her to have her own review page. I just don' have the money to set up a website etc etc. Being a disabled single parent means times are usually tough.

    Maybe one day she will get a little slot somewhere. Who knows, would be cool. She has read the comments and thanks everyone. She is quite excited about the response! Thanks from me aswell. Good to be a proud parent.

  16. #16
    Activated Node
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    No joke, better writing than some of what I've seen on some "professional" websites.

  17. #17
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Smashbox's Avatar
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    Could always set up a Blogger blog or use another free service.

  18. #18
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Malawi Frontier Guard's Avatar
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    This is actually a decent review, but it has too much RPS in it. It's bad influence.

  19. #19
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smashbox View Post
    Could always set up a Blogger blog or use another free service.
    Yup, or just keep copying and pasting them in here.
    "What were we talking about? Pegasuses, pegasii, that's horses with wings. This motherf*cker got a sword that talks to him. Motherf*cker live in places that don't exist, it comes with a map. My God."

  20. #20
    Lesser Hivemind Node Timofee's Avatar
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    This was excellent. I particularly like what appears to be a combination of the phrases "bees knees", "head and shoulders" [above] and the song "head shoulders knees and toes" into "bees head shoulders knees and toes"

    Like Smashbox says there's loads of free options out there - or hell, just keep posting them here.

    Edit: db beat me to it

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