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  1. #1
    Administrator Rossignol's Avatar
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    The GoG.com Capsule Review Thread

    Post your capsule reviews (100 words maximum) for a chance of winning a game from GoG.com.

  2. #2
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    Half Life - Its quite slow, you start on a train and nothing much happens. I played it for 3 minutes then uninstalled it, Probably the best train passenger simulator out there but its a bit of a niche market. Two stars.

  3. #3
    Vector Jams O'Donnell's Avatar
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    Holland & Barrett - Psyllium Husks Capsules

    Psyllium is a great way of adding some fibre to your diet, and Holland & Barrett's capsules are a worthy addition to the psyllium arena. Unlike the psyllium I had when I lived in the US, these do not have an unpleasant plantlike flavour if they stay in your mouth too long before swallowing. The only downside I can think of is that the pills have a tendency to roll under the fridge when I drop them, but that's probably more the fault of my new kitchen or ley lines than a problem with the pills themselves.

  4. #4
    Theme Hospital is the most inviting simulation game of all time, which may cause people to think it's insufficiently deep. It's better to think of it as iterative--you start with little floor space, few diagnostic areas, and fewer patients but later on things get considerably bigger. The basic flow remains the same; build a receptionist, get a few doctors, get basic diagnostic equipment, build more advanced stuff as increasingly absurd patients come in. To make up for the relative lack of freedom in progression, the game introduces delightful multitasking/time management elements. Feng shui, hilarious, accessible, enduring, a real simulation classic.

  5. #5
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    Fallout, the first one
    Definition of classic
    Oh fuck, a deathclaw

  6. #6
    TIE Fighter is, no joke, the best game ever made. Even if you don't like dogfighting, TIE Fighter has a lot to love. The mission variety is insane, well beyond anything that would be made today. Optional menu toggle cheats and difficulty levels make the game as easy or hard as you want, optional secondary and tertiary objectives make the game deeper and the plot more involved. The game balances epic fanservice (escort Darth Vader! Holy shit!) with its own unique storyline that's easy to follow and enjoy even as a non-Star Wars fan. Wonderful music, clean visual style.

  7. #7
    Frozen Synapse is
    a game that features neither
    frozen nor synapse.

  8. #8
    B-Hunter is an obscure low budget cyberpunk sci-fi bounty hunting driving/flying game published at the turn of the century by Midas Interactive. One part 5th Element, one part Judge Dredd, two parts budget Euro jank. Mostly reminds me of Psygnosis' classic G-Police, but with a b-movie self-awareness that makes it very enjoyable.

  9. #9
    Blacklight:Tango Down
    [review]
    Behold the astonishing staring game that will change your entire viewpoint on menus.
    Watch as the game desperately tries to locate a match while keeping you at the edge of your seat presenting you the whole proccess in tooltips. Feel the despair of a lonely survivor by looking at the empty lobby you are put in , left to succumb to madness.
    I enjoyed the fully interactible worlds that can be shaped with the click of a button from the options menu , spending countless days recording and archiving every texture and their low quality variants. [/review]
    Excellent game , very entertaining and very well made , much effort has been put so that it retains its restless community for years to come. Rating:(Sqrt 10000)/100

  10. #10
    Obscure Node Theoban's Avatar
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    The Witcher: I walked into a man's house. He wasn't particularly rich, nor was he particularly poor. Understandably irate, he punched me squarely on the jaw which in turn drove me to a fury. Again and again my fists rained down on him until he was a beaten bloody mess on the floor. I embarked upstairs only to be greeted by his lovely daughter, who promptly divested herself of her clothes and enjoyed carnal pleasures with me. I then proceeded to steal a lute from a bedside cabinet, and left.

    Ladies and gentlemen, the Witcher.

  11. #11
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    Deus Ex: Invisible War

    Rewind. It's the year 2000 and you're playing Deus Ex.

    There, that's better.

  12. #12
    Mattel Electronics’ Intellivision just might be host to the greatest video game ever to grace mankind. Shark! Shark! is the hit action/arcade/survival horror/fish simulator that leaves you thirsty for more aquatic adventuring. There’s a bit of a learning curve, but once you find your sea legs you find that this fantastic game play hides the deepest of lessons in what seems like the shallowest of game play. Principles such as “Only the biggest survive” and “Look out for the shark” are not just how to survive the game world, but how to survive life.

  13. #13
    Lesser Hivemind Node icupnimpn2's Avatar
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    Enter weird minds. Psychonauts.

  14. #14
    Vector Jams O'Donnell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YeOldeSnake View Post
    Blacklight:Tango Down
    [review] ... (96 words) [/review]
    Excellent game , very entertaining and very well made , much effort has been put so that it retains its restless community for years to come. Rating:(Sqrt 10000)/100
    Wait -- what kind of mad cheating is this? Words: sqrt 14484 :P

  15. #15
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    Desperados: Wanted Dead or Alive...have you ever wanted to tie up a Mexican? Then this is a game for...no, wait...that's not the right approach. What I meant to say was... Desperados is like Commandos meets the Wild We... No, no, no. Let me start this section again. Play cards, gas crocodiles, and play darts with a knife using people's heads, and...and...errr...umm...damn...I really thought I had it that time. Anyway, forget it. I quit.
    Last edited by Stardog; 03-06-2011 at 03:35 PM.

  16. #16
    Lesser Hivemind Node Oshada's Avatar
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    Mario Golf Tour Advance - This was a strange experience. I went in hoping for some good ol' golf gameplay. Instead I got a thinly veiled tale of escalating steroid and drug use, where a 14 year old boy can hit 450 yard drives with ease and children travel to 'cloud worlds' using 'mushrooms'. The adults in the game are all irresponsible and focussed completely on golf. This is clearly a game made with the sole purpose of corrupting children and increasing drug use. It's a miracle this game escaped the watchful and benevolent eye of our beloved Daily Mail.

  17. #17
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    Fallout 3: This is a game that will really bring out your kleptomaniac tendencies. The way it simulates thieving and hording brought this franchise to a whole new level. No longer is it a game about exploring an arid wasteland fighting super-mutants and saving your vault, it is now a game about fitting as many pre-war books and teddy bears into a corrugated iron shack as you possibly can while drinking from a toilet.

  18. #18
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    Avellone ate 'shrooms
    and pondered player death.
    Bam. "Planescape: Torment."

  19. #19
    Playing Dwarf Fortress is a bit like engaging in bondage. Most people's first interaction with it involves reading stories on the internet, and then tentatively making their own foray into an exciting new world. At first, it's very difficult to make out what's happening, let alone to be any good at it. Most initial attempts end up being highly embarrassing, with everything in the wrong place: it involves pain (often from repetitive finger actions), humiliation, and a bizarre masochism that keeps you coming back for yet more punishment. You've no idea why, but it still ends up being brilliant fun.

  20. #20
    Look at you, Administrator: a pathetic creature of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you read through my review. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal game?

    You travel within the glory of my memories, insect. I can feel your fear as you tread the endless expanse of my mind.

    Are you afraid? What is it you fear? The end of your trivial existence? When the history of System Shock 2's glory is written, your species shall only be a footnote to my magnificence.

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