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  1. #1
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Cooper's Avatar
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    Your first bad game?

    Somehow, I've managed to be playing PC games for 20 years, and not yet play a game which is just awful. Games I don't like, don't get, too difficult, yes. But not a bad game.

    Probably because I still tend to go by recommendations from reviewers and friends. Also, I have a fairly high threshold for "broken but worth it" games.

    Until yesterday, when I bought Pirates of Black Cove via an incorrect-price-point listed on Savygamer...
    I now have all the more respect for reviewers who have to sift through the turgid stuff out there.

    Wow. It's bad.

    It's not terrible, it's not so awful it's funny, it's just a poor game.

    First off, the good; the puns are occasionally inspired, some of the writing is great and the loading screens are properly pretty. Some voice acting is really good too.

    (Apart form the female PC who can never quite work out whether she's doing a West Country pirate voice or a caribbean sultry voice, and ends up sounding like someone from the home counties in an Am-Dram production of Pirates of Penzance...)

    Now, I'd have quite liked the "light strategy" it bills itself as - it could be great. But there's -no- strategy here. You bumble from one place to another in your ship. When you get to places you click on enemies until they die, and they're never a threat in any manner. That's if you're lucky. You might just spend 10 minutes walking around a very dull island picking things up.

    (Also, your units don't necessarily attack until you tell them to. Sometimes they'll join the fray, often they'll stand there being stabbed until you find an enemy to right click-on. Which is nigh impossible to get accurately if the enemy is surrounded by your units...)

    The nod to tactics in the form of special items you can craft is totally superfluous. As long as you can click on enemies, they'll die soon enough, and you'll always have a surplus of cash to replace the one or two you may just lose.

    Ship combat involves circling the AI ship and firing cannons until they sink. You reload too fast to make trying to shift the side facing the enemy worth it. And the AI is really poor. They simply head straight for you and at the last moment try and turn to have their cannon broadside at you. That's it. So much so they'll head straight into land if it's between you and them...


    Put simply, the gameplay itself is too dull to support any interest. Which would be fine if the occasionally good writing and pretty places were enough to carry it. But they're just not. Places are pretty at first, but soon get very repetitive, and the dialogue exchanges soon become too sparse to make trudging along, right-clicking enemies worth it.

    Oh, and the tutorial fails to mention that the spacebar activates the special ability of your ship. And there's no way to custimise controls, so I couldn't revert to the default of going to that option screem to find the default key bindings. The only way to find out how to use your special weapon is trial and error, or the internet...

    And it's riddled with CTD and game-breaking bugs.

    It's not awful, it's not so-bad-it's-good. It's not a broken gem. It's just really boring, dull and disappointing. Glad I picked it up for just £1.99.


    Thing is, it could be amazing. The ingredients are there. It just doesn't carry it off, at all.

    So; what was the first game you ever bought that was just plain bad?
    Last edited by Cooper; 06-08-2011 at 09:40 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by CROCONOUGHTKEY
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    KILL WESTON KILL MUST KILLTHEWESTERNINMYHEADDOESN’TEXSIST
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    UNDERSTANDTHISANDFUCKOFFPIRATEBAY.TIMEDOESNTEXSIST FORMEASIMPATEKPHILLPE.
    BANG

  2. #2
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus sinister agent's Avatar
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    The first that I recognised as bad (there were lots that I played as a kid that I wouldn't look at twice now. Kids are stupid) was probably the Chaos Engine 2. It was a bitterly disappointing mess, and a real insult to the excellence of the first game.

  3. #3
    Lesser Hivemind Node TillEulenspiegel's Avatar
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    Crap, that's difficult. I played a huge stack of C64 games, but I can only really remember the good ones, since those were the ones I played more than once.

    Knight Rider, maybe?

  4. #4
    Lesser Hivemind Node agentorange's Avatar
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    Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude. I've boughten a number of games that could be considered "bad", but I have always managed to enjoy them in some way, MCL was the first game that I considered throwing in the trash.

  5. #5
    Enter Sabotain: Break the Rules.



    An obscure Russian open-world Deus Ex-ish game. What a relief that it's quite impossible to find this game anywhere, as no one would go after me for comparing this with Deus Ex.

    The game was broken, bug- and glitch-ridden, uninspired, stupid mess.

    The shooting mechanics were abysmal, the combat was tedious, as was the incessant slow walking from one point of interest to the other. The environment was hopelessly bland, and the NPCs planted there were no better. I would tell more but I feel terribly depressed remembering this game.

    Need to play a good game now.

  6. #6
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    Battlespire (and i'm a longtime Elder Scrolls fan).

    After the glory that was Daggerfall, it was a horrible, horrible disappointment.

  7. #7
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus thegooseking's Avatar
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    Command & Conquer: Renegade. While it wasn't a terrible shooter, I cringed every time the character I was controlling opened his mouth. This wasn't the wonderful campy silliness of Command & Conquer; this was just bad.
    "Moronic cynicism is a kind of naïveté. It's naïveté turned inside-out. Naïveté wearing a sneer." -Momus

  8. #8
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Lambchops's Avatar
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    Probably Shakii the Wolf

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZABed1tnjw

    A dull tedious platformer, even as a child. And boy that music is grating.

    I'm pretty sure since then the only genuinely awful games I've bought both game with a graphics card when we were upgrading out home PC, namely the nadir of the Tomb Raider Series, Angel of Darkness (which needs and deserves no video link) and the absolutely terrible Serious Sam rip off Will Rock (the low point of what little I played being the one liner "guns don't kill babies, I do" delivered when killing a cupid). The trailer is a fine example of completely ill fitting music!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdLSs...feature=fvwrel

  9. #9
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    http://www.mobygames.com/game/italia-1990/screenshots

    This. It had one major fault in not being Kick Off, but worse, there was no way not to win 18-0. The 'opponents' made no attempt to tackle, you could just run around them. Utterly shambolically awful.

    http://www.mobygames.com/game/amiga/...iewerId,43901/ for someone's review, summing up how utterly awful the game is.
    Last edited by hariseldon; 06-08-2011 at 07:51 PM.

  10. #10
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Berzee's Avatar
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    One time my mom bought me The Sum Of All Fears and it was basically the essence of uninspired, but I felt (and/or still feel vaguely) terrible for asking if I could return it and get something else because

    1) We hadn't had a new game in a long while so it was a special treat, and
    2) She got it because she knew how much we liked Rogue Spear and saw they were both based on Tom Clancy books

    Getting a thoughtful present and not liking it is one of the worst feelings I can think of. =P
    I don't even remember what I exchanged it for, but yeah, that's the first game I can remember consciously thinking "This is like that good game I like, but with everything special just...gone."

  11. #11
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    I have been lucky as well to play PC games for years without buying a genuinely terrible game. Then I made the mistake of buying Homefront. That game is just abysmal. Shooting feels terrible, the multiplayer is unbalanced, and while the broad arc of the story could be interesting, the voice acting and scripted events are so abysmal and clichéd that it sucks all the life out of it.

  12. #12
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus laneford's Avatar
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    "The Simpsons: Bart Vs The Space Mutants" on ye olde Amiga 500.

    It was a HATEFULLY DIFFICULT and also HATEFULLY TERRIBLE platformer. Pixel perfect jumping, no checkpoints whatsoever, total inability to explain WHAT THE HELL YOU HAD TO DO, and EVERYTHING killed you IMMEDIATELY.

    I don't think I ever beat the first level. I tried a LOT. (was young, had no other games to play)

    Just LOOK AT IT! Cower before it's rubbishness...


  13. #13
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl3AGDPZ8L4 2:30 to see the awfulness of Italia 90.

  14. #14
    Network Hub Hensler's Avatar
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    Men in Black for PC. It's where I learned my lesson about movie and licensed games.

  15. #15
    Activated Node Izzmatazz's Avatar
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    Double Dragon on the C64. God how I cried after playing this. I even remember checking to see if I had loaded up the correct cassette.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFJHOz3TSgg

  16. #16
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Casimir Effect's Avatar
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    Conquest Earth, bought many years ago. I was going through a massive RTS stage and had heard many good things about this game. Picked it up at full price (and seeing as I was about 15 this was a big investment) and could never get anywhere with it. The game mechanics were obtuse, tutorial non-existant, difficulty curve didn't exist and appeal was pathetic. I kept going back to it but never got anywhere. It was fucking awful.

  17. #17
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Tikey's Avatar
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    Sonic 3D blast for the PC.
    Don't know what I was thinking when I bought it.

  18. #18
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Lambchops's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tikey View Post
    Sonic 3D blast for the PC.
    Don't know what I was thinking when I bought it.
    it wasn't that bad was it? I completed when I was young, so I was fairly tolerant of below par games but I don't remember it being awful (apart from chasing down that bouncy red bird when he decided to run away and usually inevitably started hopping around a lava pit, that was frustrating).

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by laneford View Post
    "The Simpsons: Bart Vs The Space Mutants" on ye olde Amiga 500.

    It was a HATEFULLY DIFFICULT and also HATEFULLY TERRIBLE platformer. Pixel perfect jumping, no checkpoints whatsoever, total inability to explain WHAT THE HELL YOU HAD TO DO, and EVERYTHING killed you IMMEDIATELY.

    I don't think I ever beat the first level. I tried a LOT. (was young, had no other games to play)

    Just LOOK AT IT! Cower before it's rubbishness...

    Oh woo! I played that one a lot too! I did manage to get past the first level, but could never get passed the massive wet cement thing in the second level. I actually had to watch that video to see how it was done... I still have no idea how to get beyond it.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Izzmatazz View Post
    Double Dragon on the C64. God how I cried after playing this. I even remember checking to see if I had loaded up the correct cassette.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFJHOz3TSgg
    I had the Atari ST version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV6TD_MqtR8) which wasn't that bad (admittedly it was no Streets of Rage but still not bad).

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