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  1. #1381
    Lesser Hivemind Node madmoxxi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BowlSoldier View Post
    Finally got my exam results today, and it turns out I earned 575 points in my Leaving Cert! I'm currently ridiculously happy, as that means I'm almost definitely going to get the college course I want.

    In a few weeks I'm going to start my science course and enter a world of labcoats, dry theory and dull repetition, and I cannot wait.
    WOW GRATZ!
    I needs my results... I want to be a nurse. NOW.
    Even my boss, she gave me my new schedule and said, "after this period I dont' want to see you here again" and walked away...
    Well, I felt the pressure! ALOT...
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  2. #1382
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus WallyTrooper's Avatar
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    Some jokes about science (mostly), what's not to like:

    1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
    2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
    3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
    4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
    5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
    6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
    7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
    8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
    9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
    10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
    11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
    12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
    13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
    14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
    15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
    16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
    17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
    18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
    19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
    20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
    21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
    22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
    23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
    24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
    25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

    21 is definitely my favourite though 25 gets an honourable mention.
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  3. #1383
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus EsotericReverie's Avatar
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    Hehe, good catch!

  4. #1384
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus jaguar skills's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by madmoxxi View Post
    WOW GRATZ!
    I needs my results... I want to be a nurse. NOW....
    On a scale of one to immortal technique, how annoying is it that people like this are already qualified?

    http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-23693729
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.



  5. #1385
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Cephas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jaguar skills View Post
    On a scale of one to immortal technique, how annoying is it that people like this are already qualified?

    http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-23693729
    Wow... that's bad... Sometimes I think if we put more incompetent people on the dole and only hired competent people we'd be in a much better state!

  6. #1386
    Lesser Hivemind Node madmoxxi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jaguar skills View Post
    On a scale of one to immortal technique, how annoying is it that people like this are already qualified?

    http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-23693729
    "A nurse who mistook blood around a patient's mouth for jam..."

    WHAT THE F*CK!? you are seriously incompetent if you don't see the diff. between jam and blood!!! and even if it is PINK it could be a pulmonary edema!! and that is because of left-side heart failure! SUPER SERIOUS!!!
    *angry*
    She's got lots of layers, like an onion made of boobs.
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  7. #1387
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Boris's Avatar
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    I don't get 4.

  8. #1388
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus WallyTrooper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boris View Post
    I don't get 4.
    That's reassuring, neither did I. Since googling it I think it's because TCP/IP has error checking in it but I'm still not sure if that's the reason it's supposed to be funny.
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  9. #1389
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus
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    Quote Originally Posted by madmoxxi View Post
    "A nurse who mistook blood around a patient's mouth for jam..."
    I read it as 'mistook jam around a patient's mouth for blood'. Much funnier.

    Those jokes are pretty good actually. 21 is indeed good. I strangely like the Heisenberg, Godel, Chomsky one, not because it's funny, perhaps just cos I understand it? Heard 11 before, but featuring Buddha (and told to me by one of those unintentionally hilarious people who can make anything sound funny).
    Last edited by Rizlar; 14-08-2013 at 04:24 PM.

  10. #1390
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Cephas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WallyTrooper View Post
    That's reassuring, neither did I. Since googling it I think it's because TCP/IP has error checking in it but I'm still not sure if that's the reason it's supposed to be funny.
    I think it's regarding TCP/IP Handshake that happens at the start of a conversation.
    It essentially goes:
    X sends Y a SYN
    Y sends X a SYN-ACK
    X sends Y an ACK
    where SYN is a synchronise packet and ACK is an acknowledgement packet.

    So it's more trying to put that into a funny context.
    In the SSL context the messages are "ClientHello" and "ServerHello"

  11. #1391
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Boris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cephas View Post
    I think it's regarding TCP/IP Handshake that happens at the start of a conversation.
    It essentially goes:
    X sends Y a SYN
    Y sends X a SYN-ACK
    X sends Y an ACK
    where SYN is a synchronise packet and ACK is an acknowledgement packet.

    So it's more trying to put that into a funny context.
    In the SSL context the messages are "ClientHello" and "ServerHello"
    That's what I thought. But I fail to see the humor in that.

  12. #1392
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Cephas's Avatar
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    Yeah it's not at all funny - but I get what it was aiming for.

  13. #1393
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus jaguar skills's Avatar
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    You guys should read xkcd sometime if you didnt like that one.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.



  14. #1394
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Boris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jaguar skills View Post
    You guys should read xkcd sometime if you didnt like that one.
    I read xkcd and what is this?

  15. #1395
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus jaguar skills's Avatar
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    In general it's perfectly fine but every now and again the wank hat gets put firmly in place. I'm sure I don't need to mention the Time series.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.



  16. #1396
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus jaguar skills's Avatar
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    Here's one that's at least as bad as the tcp joke;

    http://xkcd.com/12/
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.



  17. #1397
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus jaguar skills's Avatar
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    Until I saw this video I hated the song that was attached to it, almost blindly. And while I still don't like it, I feel that I at least understand what it's about now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kanye West
    I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.



  18. #1398
    Secondary Hivemind Nexus Boris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jaguar skills View Post
    Here's one that's at least as bad as the tcp joke;

    http://xkcd.com/12/
    Oh you meant to find more badness. Ah.

    This one is worse though. It's a joke the 12 year old me would make -- and get laughed at for.
    http://xkcd.com/18/

  19. #1399
    Lesser Hivemind Node madmoxxi's Avatar
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    never ever experienced it. but is looks funny xD
    the best would be if "she" killed them all. sneaky bitch!
    She's got lots of layers, like an onion made of boobs.
    - Lilith about Moxxi
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  20. #1400
    Moderator QuantaCat's Avatar
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    thats because you play with people that dont give a shit whats between your legs. And if you ever do, lets nuke em from orbit.
    - Tom De Roeck.

    verse publications & The Shopkeeper, an interactive short.

    "Quantacat's name is still recognised even if he watches on with detached eyes like Peter Molyneux over a cube in 3D space, staring at it with tears in his eyes, softly whispering... Someday they'll get it."

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