Posts Tagged ‘1873’

Come Back To The Future Now (And For Free)

By Alec Meer on April 1st, 2011.

Thank you, Youtube 1911

Lord Jimothy! Johncharlesfrederickathon! Kierovington IV! Quintin! It is I, Alexander Granville Cuthbert Meershire, Earl of Rotheringhampton-under-Thames. Quickly, come hither to me. Something most odd has occured. Some manner of iron box, mounted somehow upon four wheels and adorned with walls of glass, has arrived outside the stables. It is a fearsome thing, bellowing smoke and malodour. As I approach, its side lifted upwards, like the wing of a gull. All manner of unearthly lights are visible within, behind which is a chair of comfort such as I have never even dreamed. Should I… should I enter this machine, if machine it indeed be? There are switches, levers, pedals. As an inquiring mind of Her Majesty’s Elite Journalism Corps, I feel I must explore further. I shall just press this and….
88MPH! >>

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Chess Receives v1.01 Patch

By Quintin Smith on April 1st, 2011.

They were clean-shaven when they started playing

The inventor of Chess, Mr. Wilbert Chess, today announced to a room full of chess enthusiasts that the classic game has received its very first patch. The changelog is as follows:

* Pawns may now move diagonally backwards in order to capture pieces

Rumours abound that Mr. Chess implemented the patch mid-game, and in doing so was able to unexpectedly capture the queen of Russian chess master Sergey Urusov. Despite taking his opponent by surprise (spectators report that the move caused Urusov to stare silently at Mr. Chess for a full forty-two minutes), it is said that Mr. Chess yet went on to lose the game anyway. More on this controversial turn of events as we hear it.

It’s been a slow week for video games.

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Opinion: Is Fighting Being Dumbed Down?

By Quintin Smith on April 1st, 2011.

It would be most ungentlemanly to comment on the ass of the guy on the far right

I got into a fight last night. Alas, not the hand-to-hand combat kind, though that was my intention. Smear some young Turk’s blood across my knuckles, drink his fear like some ethereal digestif, all that. After an excellent evening with the Royal Dragoon Guards we cleared away the tables to engage in some after-dinner boxing. Now, imagine the look on my face when I was handed an absurd pair of gloves with the thickness of a winter coat! Naturally I informed my hosts that these wouldn’t be necessary. Apparently, this was not an option.

Gentlemen, allow me to inform you of the Marquess of Queensberry Rules for boxing.
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A Vision Of Tomorrow: ‘The Rim Of The Sky’

By Alec Meer on April 1st, 2011.

It is purely a painting. Such a thing could never move

The Rock, The Paper & The Shotgun occasionally calls into its employ a local vagabond, a wretched oik whose perpetual presence on the filthy streets of Bognor somehow enables him to catch wind of vital information one would otherwise not hear of. It was thanks to his disgusting contacts that we were able to bring you the first news of the Snakes & Ladders expansion set, Frogs & High-Chairs. It was he who advised us that the Colonies had devised a means of controlling a ball on a stick’s movement with the keys on a typewriter.

This week, however, has been a very quiet week for video games. Even our vagabond has failed to bring us news. Yet we needed something. Hence, we dragged the disgusting creature into our handsome office by his horrible ear, and forced him to smoke enough lithium that he began to hallucinate. We knew his rotten little mind would give us something. It did indeed: a vision of the far-future’s miraculous entertainments.
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Russian Novel “Unfinished”

By Kieron Gillen on April 1st, 2011.

The oddest thing about writing this story was googling for a picture of Gogol and discovering he's a total spitting image of Him From Gogol Bordello. How curious.

Boo! Boo! And thrice-boo! Why must we gentlemen be fobbed off with literature that emerges from the land of the Tsar in a state that can only be described as unfinished? Clearly, this is a problem here at the heart of Her Majesty’s empire too – no, Mr Dickens. It’s not episodic! you’ve just not finished writing the bally thing yet! - but it’s all the more onerous in the Russian texts, where we deal with shoddy translations and… oh, let’s not avoid the main issue any longer. We all know the prime offender. One is talking Gogol. One is talking Dead Souls. One is getting so furious that the most extensive application of brandy can’t steady my nerves.
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Opinion: Ladies Of Leisure

By John Walker on April 1st, 2011.

I wonder what they're thinking?

Recent reports have shown that an ever increasing number of young ladies are partaking in the activity of gameing. We took it upon ourselves to investigate this unlikely phenomenon.

Pray, imagine the scenario. Whilst walking down the street you see a young child gaily rolling a hoop, tapping away with his stick, and merrily laughing. But what is this? His laughter seems of a higher pitch than you might otherwise expect. Can it be? Those are not trousers, but a skirt! This street rascal is a young lady, and she’s playing a game.
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Hoop & Stick II Demo Released Today

By John Walker on April 1st, 2011.

Hoop not compatible with Stick I.

The much awaited Hoop & Stick II isn’t due out until next Friday, but manufacturers Softly & Macro have released a demo today. Coming with just a stick, those who pick it up will be able to practice the appropriate swooshing motions, as well as prepare themselves for the new Grapheme Movements techniques. Softly & Macro describe the GM tech as being the next step forward for game control mechanisms, which they say will revolutionise hoop movement. Sticks picked up today will be automatically compatible with the Hoop II when it’s released in seven days. However, to some controversy, sticks used with an original hoop will not be supported. Our full review will be up next week.

It has been a quiet week for video games.

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What One Thinks: The Mansion Of Happiness

By Quintin Smith on April 1st, 2011.

Pea green is the new black!

It’s been a slow week for video games (almost as slow as last week, in fact), so I’ve taken it upon myself to review the Parker Brothers’ new entertainment, The Mansion of Happiness: An Instructive Moral and Entertaining Amusement. Designed by a clergyman’s daughter, Miss. Anne Abbott, this game seeks to amuse and teach Puritan virtues at once! Yes, Puritan. Marvellous…
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Introducing ‘UbiMan’ Copy Protection

By Alec Meer on April 1st, 2011.

Skilled in thirty-eight different forms of combat from the Orient

Gaming fans are to be subject to yet more unnecessary restrictions on the use of products they have legitimately purchased, with a harsh new system designed to prevent games from being copied or shared with other players.
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Is It Too Soon For Mary Celeste Horror Game?

By John Walker on April 1st, 2011.

Hello?

Twas only December last that the Mary Celeste was discovered, bereft of passengers or crew. But already we are hearing word of a playground game becoming popular on this theme, spreading betwixt the school yards. The game, a variant on hide and seek, involves one person trying to identify the location of his missing friends, but never being able to find them. However, some are saying that the memory of the phenomenon is too fresh in the people’s minds.

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