Posts Tagged ‘Privates’

Whatever Happened To The Swindle?

By Alec Meer on September 28th, 2012.

The Swindle was the much-anticipated next game from Time Gentlemen, Please and Privates dev Size Five Games. Then things went quiet. Very, very quiet. But why? Wha’happened? Will we ever get to play this cyberpunk crime caper? Here, Size Five’s Dan Marshall reveals for the first time why the game went dark – a sad tale of Windows 8-based potential doom, leading to a Summer of fear and the difficult decision to start the game over from scratch. But, thank heavens, it’s a sad tale with a happy ending. Also, you can get your first glimpse at the game’s totes snazzy new look in its brand new engine in the top three (pre-alpha) screenshots in this post.
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BAFTA Publicly Praises Size Five’s Privates

By Adam Smith on November 28th, 2011.

"Thank you for honouring my game about diseased genitals"

If your only exposure to Size Five’s size five Privates is through this esteemed periodical, you may believe that it is little more more than a flimsy excuse for us to make jokes about willies. Not true. Last night, at the British Academy Children’s Awards, Privates won in the ‘Learning – Secondary’ category. This involved beating off competition from the likes of erstwhile Naked Chef and Turkey Twizzler basher Jamie Oliver. You can see footage of Dan Marshall’s acceptance speech and a brief interview by selecting the category on the right here.

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Zombie Cow Is Dead: It’s Size Five Games

By John Walker on May 20th, 2011.

Much more mature.

In a rather peculiar move, Zombie Cow – the indie developers behind the brilliant Ben There, Dan That, and Time Gentlemen, Please – have changed their name. No longer are they post-bovine, and have now become Size Five Games. Why? I’m not sure even they know why. Something about “Zombie Cow” being embarrassing to say in business situations. Well, I recommend trying to be “Rock, Paper, Shotgun” in a meeting with accountants. But Dan Marshall, the main man behind the name, has always hated it. And now he has the far more official sounding title, would everyone mind awfully rewriting their memories such that it was always the case? I think he’d prefer that. It also seems they’re quite close to announcing a new game, which is rather spiffy news.

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Interview: Channel 4’s Alice Taylor & Jo Twist

By Keza MacDonald on November 10th, 2010.

This looks familiar.

As you’ll see if scroll down a bit and your eyes still work, Channel 4 Education revealed ten new webgames from British studios this morning. We sent roving reporter Keza MacDonald to speak to the Commissioning Editors for Education, Alice Taylor and Jo Twist, over three cups of coffee and a ridiculous over-abundance of pastry treats. Wish to read comforting things about how lovely the British indie scene is, why PC webgames are the most effective way of peddling subtle education messages, and how susceptible teenagers are to evil videogames? It’s all just down there.

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Privates: Satisfy longer!!Longer-lasting action!

By Alec Meer on October 29th, 2010.

I could come up with my own penis extension gags to celebrate the announcement of free DLC for Zombie Cow’s splendid free shoot/giggle/educate game Privates, but they’ve done such a good job themselves that I really don’t need to bother. Like so:

Zombie Cow Studios and Channel 4 to offer PENIS ENLARGEMENT.
=~~ DO YOUR MANHOOD NEED MORE? практические методы разработк
Satisfy longer!!Longer-lasting action!text-decoration: underline;”>

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Privates Not As Public As Hoped

By Alec Meer on September 17th, 2010.

That Zombie Cow’s naughty-but-nice sex-ed shooter Privates won’t be making an appearance on Xbox 360 thanks to Microsoft deeming its sexual content too sexy (even though it’s educational and even though there’s no actual sex and even though they’ll happily show any amount of extreme violence) isn’t RPSy news. I know this. I accept this.

However, it does reminds me, as I’m sure was the partial intention of ZC’s statement on the 360 cancellation today, that the free PC version’s had a whole heap of fixes and patches since launch day.

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Get Your Privates Patched

By John Walker on August 11th, 2010.

Penis penis penis vagina.

Zombie Cow have released a big old update to Privates. What I’m trying to say is, they looked at their Privates, and they realised they weren’t good enough. The primary problems with their Privates were their being covered in bugs, often finishing long before the person playing with them was ready, and not being able to perform with many potential partners.

What I’m doing here is I’m conflating “Privates”, the game about battling STIs in the human body, with “privates”, a colloquialism for human genitals. In doing so, I’ve given the impression that the game having bugs, crashing, and not being compatible with some systems, are in fact problems with the penises of those working at Zombie Cow. I did this with the intention of humour. It’s my way of letting you know the game’s been patched.

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Privates Out, Flapping About In The Breeze

By John Walker on August 6th, 2010.

If there's a pun, they thought of it.

Zombie Cow have finally unzipped their trousers, pulled them down to their ankles, then in a fit of pique ripped their underpants clean away from their waists to reveal their privates. And at the same time their game, Privates, is available to play, for free.

Privates, you see, is a sort of pun. Puns are when a word can be confused for another word. So “privates” can be associated with people in the army. An army is a collection of cross men and women who shout and fire guns at other collections of cross men and women. And of course “privates” can refer to a penis (like a sausage, but leakier) or a vagina (no idea). Imagine a game that conflates the two! It’s time to go shoot some STDs. (Sexily Transmitted Dirtiness.)

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Oh Look, A Massive… Privates Trailer

By Alec Meer on June 24th, 2010.

Wahey! But ‘wahey’ in a measured, ‘this will hopefully be helpful for young person’s sex education’ sort of way. Zombie Cow’s Cannon Fodder-meets-venereal disease-meets Ghostbusters condomania title finally gets in-game footage, and it looks like this. Well, like the ‘this’ that is below this. Um. Beneath the cut, then. Yes.

There are some naughty words. There are some gags that may offend people who tend to get offended. You should watch it anyway. It’s very funny.
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Exclusive: Getting Intimate With Privates

By John Walker on May 17th, 2010.

See, he thought he was hurting me, but he was helping me!

Upon hearing the news of Zombie Cow’s pee-pee and hoo-hah themed game, Privates, we clearly wanted to know more. What are these “vaginas” and “penises” they’re talking about? So we got ourselves a chat with project lead Dan Marshall to find out the details on their STI-busting project. We exclusively reveal what the game’s about, how it will play, and what disgusting items lie in Zombie Cow’s search history.

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Front Bottoms: Zombie Cow’s Privates

By John Walker on May 11th, 2010.

Sperm!

Would you like to see Zombie Cow’s Privates? We sure would. We’d not only like to see them, but we’d like to play with them once we have. But no! We’re not talking about their penises! We’re talking about their new winky-themed game, Privates! (NB. We’re talking about their penises.)

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