Rock, Paper, Shotgun

I’ve simply got no idea. Do you know? Or you, Steve? Perhaps I’ll ask John. “I’ve no answer for you,” says John. “It should remain a mystery, like magnets.” See, no one actually knows. It’s convenient then, that Blizzard should have put out an “introduction to Diablo III” video (via VG247) for me to post below. That explains it. That explains it right up.

Related news: Diablo III will be playable – via mandatory internet! – tonight from midnight Imperial London time. So that might answer some more questions.
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Well, that was close. When last we checked in on Blizzard and Valve’s legal frontlines, the two were arming up for all-out war over the DOTA name. Blizzard was adamant that it owned the “Ancients” part of “Defense of the Ancients,” and therefore, Valve had no right to trademark “DOTA” for use in DOTA 2. Happily, however, neither side will be drafting up a legal defense (of the Ancients), as the PC gaming empires have called off their cold war. Hands have been shaken and babies kissed. So then, let’s have a look at the terms.

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In my more youthful days – back before my body and face began displaying my clear Yeti heritage – I was a dedicated member of WoW’s legions. After a couple years of raiding and impatiently waiting on new expansions, though, I washed out and up onto the shores of games that didn’t consume my every waking hour. Still, it’s evolved into an odd fascination for me – like driving past my childhood home and marveling at how much it’s changed, or something. And I have to admit, it’s pretty incredible how thoroughly Blizzard’s been rolling out the red carpet for old players to revisit their old stomping grounds. But what about new ones?

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Oh what a difference a few months can make. When last we checked in on World of Warcraft’s green, red, and cow-colored masses, things were looking grim – or, well, as grim as they can look when you have over 10 million subscribers. But, rolling hills once rife with freshly rolled alts, that number was a far cry from the 12 million of 2010. One empire was in decline, and another – Stars Wars: The Old Republic – was seemingly on its way to filling the power vacuum. But then, the gaming world did the industry-wide equivalent of briefly glancing at a roving herd of bison, only to look back and see that nothing was the same. Furniture was on the ceiling, cats were starting small businesses with dogs, and SWTOR was leaping up and down and making lightsaber wooshing sounds at a clearly disinterested crowd. So then, let’s check in on World of Warcraft.

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Remember back when Diablo III was first announced and all those people panicked because they thought Blizzard’s angstiest Big Bad had gone all My Little Lord of the Damned on them? Well, they were right. Someone has drawn pictures of Diablo characters and made them move. All hope is lost. OK, OK, fine. Maybe this animated short wouldn’t quite be at home on, say, the Disney Channel. It’s a wee bit stabby. There are also cryptic mentions of traps being sprung and angels angering at each other angrily, but mostly, it’s an excuse for seven minutes of ludicrously high-budget demon decapitation, bifurcation, and probably some other “-cations” I don’t know about. Check out the full thing after the break.

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On paper, Diablo III’s newly announced Global Play Internet voodoo sounds like a heavenly buff to my wanderings through Blizzard’s hell-born hack ‘n’ slash. In a nutshell, it allows players to hop into a game with anyone in any region (though, admittedly, with some soon-to-be-discussed caveats). I am, after all, on the other side of the pond from the RPS stratospheric sky mansion’s continent-shaped docking bay, so having full access to every region’s servers lets me bond with everyone else through mutual dislike/punching of The Devil. That said, you can only interact with your home region’s real money auction house, which may come as a disappointment to the rather sizeable portion of our readerbase composed of multi-national gold-farming tycoons. So those are the upsides. Now for the rather head-scratching bits.

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Heroes are generally, you know, heroic. They ride gleaming stallions while flashing their gleaming smiles and riding off into the gleaming sunset. They gleam a lot, I guess, is what I’m saying. Diablo III‘s wizard, on the other hand, is kind of terrifying. She takes a certain sadistic glee in blowing her enemies to bloody ice chunks, which is something well-adjusted human beings only do on very special occasions. Fortunately, she also looks wicked fun to play, what with all her time-slowing and teleportation razzle-dazzle. Kind of takes the edge off potentially dooming the whole of human civilization by potentially going mad with power, don’t you think? Descend into this post’s nightmarish depths for a trailer. Go on now. It’ll be fun!

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Twi weejd! That’s what happens when I try to write ‘two weeks’ without checking my fingers are in the right place on my keyboard. And I was trying to write ‘two weeks’ because that’s how long (roughly) it is until I go on holiday to Greece for a week. Which means…

Oh no. Oh god. Oh god no. Oh no no no no no no no no no.

Which means I’m OUT OF THE COCKING COUNTRY AND WITHOUT A COMPUTER WHEN DIABLO III IS RELEASED.
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That is my knee. Guess what it did when I read the news that sold, destroyed and disenchanted items in World of Warcraft can now be automatically recovered further down the line? It jerked. Jerked hard.
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Were you looking the other way when the Diablo 3 open beta launched last weekend? I’m sorry. If reports are to be believed, the servers wobbled like a gyroscope at the end of a good spin, so you if you missed out you probably saved yourself from being teased by the title screen. There is some comfort to be had in the Witch Doctor overview video Blizzard have just released: it’s his life story and shows how he’ll turn NPCs against each other and launch flame-engulfed bats into the faces of those that cross him. Judging by the video beneath, that seems to be everyone.
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Yes, it’s actually happening. Blizzard explains:

We’re pleased to announce the Diablo III open beta weekend, which offers open access to all players with a valid Battle.net account! Beginning this Friday everyone is invited to log in and help us put the game and servers through their paces in this three day stress test as we march toward the game’s release on May 15. You can begin downloading the Diablo III client right now! From Friday, April 20 at 12:01 p.m. PDT (noon), until Monday, April 23 at 10:00 a.m. PDT you’ll be able to log in, team up with friends, and play each of the five heroic classes to level 13 as you fight to save the world from the impending demonic invasion.

Sound the trumpets! (Compare and contrast you experiences this weekend with our own impressions of the game.)