Rock, Paper, Shotgun

The day foretold (repeatedly) in the Prophecy has finally arrived. Diablo III‘s real money auction house is here and – connection requirements aside – completely optional, so you can peruse its user-supplied wares right this second if you’re a resident of the giant bald eagle and failing business reservation that is my country of origin. Europe and other territories, meanwhile, will gain access in “the near future,” as Blizzard’s trying not to send any server farms into geosynchronous orbit this time around.

Oh, and if you’re in the correct region, you’ll still need an Authenticator – though, fair warning, I still have my reservations about that allegedly hacker-proof solution.

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If Diablo III‘s real money auction house wasn’t in direct opposition to the spirit of its own game and also an incredibly prominent representation of modern PC gaming’s most deadly sins, I’d find this whole thing kind of inspirational. I mean, Blizzard’s stared down the demons that are abysmal server stability and account hack outbreaks, yet its progress has only been delayed – not deterred. And now, the heavyweight champion of all things hack ‘n’ slash is gearing up for a high-stakes rematch against the hacking menace. Its secret weapon? Very small pieces of plastic.

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Edit: Reports are that people are now managing to get back in. John just got an orange drop, for instance.

Have you ever built a house of cards? It takes ages, and then all you can do is pray that the cruel forces of nature don’t send a gentle puff of wind or prancing baby deer in its direction. If anyone so much as enters the same room as it, you reflexively scream “DON’T TOUCH IT.” 6.3 million people touched Blizzard’s latest house of cards. It exploded. So then Blizzard touched it and, well, it double-exploded. In the wake of patch 1.0.2 going live (which, itself, necessitated many hours of downtime to apply), EU players reported prolonged server outages. Amongst all the rioting in the streets, people on fire, and not-looting, some claim to have seen Errors 37 and 73 creeping through the wreckage, wringing their cold hands maniacally. Now a more than 80-page forum thread is finally seeing claims of successful logins – but with swift disconnects shortly after.

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For a game whose primary function is to be played, there has been (for obvious reasons) a comparatively small amount of discussion about, you know, playing Diablo III - especially on Blizzard’s end. The master of click-click-click, however, has finally gotten around to type-type-typing up a roadmap for its hack ‘n’ slash opus’ immediate future. So then, what’s on the diabolical docket, which I imagine the hulking red embodiment of all sorrow and suffering carefully looking over while adjusting a pair of tiny glasses that implausibly sticks to his face thanks to hell magic? Well, among other things, Inferno difficulty’s in for some fairly major changes – though honestly, the more telling information may arise from the “unbalanced” bits Blizzard’s opting to leave largely untouched.

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Things haven’t been going so hot for the Lord of the Damned lately. At this point, his rocky start‘s probably better documented than, er, Rocky’s rocky starts, and then that whole hacking thing happened. Granted, somewhere in there, Diablo III also sort of became the fastest-selling PC game of all time, but honestly, millions and millions of dollars can only wipe away so many tears. At any rate, the fallout continues – this time with a second delay for the hellish hack ‘n’ slash’s controversial real money auction house.

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Blizzard send word that Diablo III sold 3.5 million copies in the first 24 hours on sale. They also point out: “That number does not include the more than 1.2 million players who received Diablo III as part of signing up for the World of Warcraft Annual Pass promotion.” The upshot of that was 4.7 million people had the game on day one, and after a week that as grown to 6.3 million. That is a lot of copies of a videogame.

And this just in: I am the slowest-levelling barbarian ever. Still only level 16! Rubbish. I have got some excellent scythe-hammer things though, so all is well.

Because the universe loves comedic irony, Diablo III’s online infrastructure specifically put in place to keep out cheaters and hackers is currently being besieged by cheaters and hackers. Yesterday, Blizzard acknowledged the issue, and today, the damage control process has officially begun. From where I’m standing, though, it leaves out one very important step: the part where it, you know, actually solves the problem in the long run. Perplexingly, the multiplayer-loving megalith has opted to calm players by pointing out that account compromises skyrocket with new game releases, ala WoW expansions. Fair enough. But why, again, is it supposed to be reassuring if it keeps happening?

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