Rock, Paper, Shotgun

I opened my nasally Pteranodon vocal passages and shrieked for more interesting stuff to do in Primal Carnage, and – as if by magic/coincidental timing/but I really hope it’s magic – Lukewarm Media answered. The first batch of DLC’s been officially dubbed “Get to the Chopper,” and it’s about, well, getting to a chopper. And also away from dinosaurs. Both of these goals seem fairly conducive to that oh-so-admirable goal of not being used as a chew toy by a slobbering T-Rex, so hooray. Better still – that is, if you value good deals over your own mortality – it’s free!

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When the game of the TV series of the book A Game of Thrones was released this summer, Alec vanished for a few days. When we next saw him, he had the look of a man who has seen terrible things, all haunted and hollow. Turns out it’s a very long game and full of nastiness, although mostly of the intentional scripted sort. He said this: “it’s a troubled roleplaying game but also a really interesting and strong one. Every misfire is met by a triumph of some sort, and the one thing it is not is a lazy, perfunctory cash-in.” Is the new DLC a cash-in though? I don’t know! Screens and details below.

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The next set of DLC for Skyrim has its first adver-trailer, although no PC date is confirmed. In fact, only the 360 date is listed and it’s a not-too-distant December 4th. Skyrim will soon incorporate the island of Solstheim, which doesn’t look like it’s completely covered in snow. There are some giant mushrooms and a house that looks like it might be carved out of a giant beetle carapace. It’s a tad Morrowindy. Story-wise, it’s all about the Dragonbeast, who is the first of the Dragonborn and an all round nasty piece of work. It also looks like dragons will be available as giant air-steeds. You’ll never go back to Easyjet again.

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As is the custom of most games that have been out longer than three seconds, Firaxis’ journo-murdering (and also wonderful) XCOM revival is about to receive its first* helping of DLC. Titled “Slingshot,” it takes the form of a three-mission Council campaign centered around “enigmatic Triad operative” Zhang. As ever, it doesn’t take long for combat to ensue – but this time, it takes place in both China and the sky. So, in short, you get a “special” new playable character, a few new missions, and… well, that’s pretty much it.

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Mass Effect 3‘s next batch of single-player DLC isn’t just any old carved up chunk of side story gristle. It is, according to BioWare, the biggest yet, which sends “Leviathan” – a synonym for the very concept of largeness (and perhaps also in-charge-ness) – tearfully packing to second place. Titled “Omega,” the new add-on comes bearing an elaborate tale in which you team up with ousted Omega ruler/master space-club-couch-lounger Aria T’loak in an effort to reclaim her old haunt. It also carries a price tag to match.

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I’ve barely begun to scratch the surface of Pandora and I’ll never actually shoot the handsome off Handsome Jack’s face. I like finding weird guns but actually shooting my way through the missions feels like sticking my head into a beehive. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZZZ, go the bees, and even if I manage to eat some honey while my face is being perforated, I’m still going to have a headache afterwards and there are a lot of dead bees piling up around my chin. I certainly don’t feel the need for more Borderlands 2, but for those who do there’s that Season Pass. Four episodes of new content for £19.99. And there will also be new characters and vehicles to buy. Those won’t be included with the pass.

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Really, if you think about it, the ocean is basically space, but more blue. I mean, both are sorely lacking in breathable air, give us the ability to defy basic physics while shouting “wheeeeee,” and are absolutely, positively, I-really-really-hope teeming with life. (What if fish aren’t real?! Wouldn’t that be a total bummer?) Also, Mass Effect 3‘s now claiming that both have Reapers, and I suppose it would know. So now the hunt for Leviathan is on, and you can watch a trailer of some strange bald man wearing Commander Shepard’s clothes take the fight to the ocean’s briniest depths in a trailer beneath the break’s, er, briniest depths.

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I’m just going to pretend that this is a full trailer for Battlefield 3′s Armo(u)red Kill, and not a video showing how you can buy into their crummy Premium service. So why don’t you, me, and that guy over there all agree that the first 38 seconds of the trailer’s 1.53 runtime is just white noise, or Joe Pasquale telling a joke – it doesn’t exist. It a glitch in the Matrix. To make this work we’ll just have to live the lie. Can you do that? For me? I don’t ask for much.
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I think we’ve all – at some point or another – turned on the television during a major sporting event and thought to ourselves “You know what? If I really put my nose to the grindstone and trained like a madman, I too could be an almighty elemental demigod wizard.” But that also sounds hard. And to that, I raise you videogames – specifically Magicka, whose WOOT Tournament DLC is mixing Arrowhead’s motley band of magicians with, well, pretty much the only thing left that they haven’t been mixed with: The Olympics.

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[Scene: a darkened alleyway. MAX PAYNE struggles to stand, clearly dazed and more-than-slightly drunk.] Ugh, what happened? How did it get his bad? One moment, I was riding high in Brazil and taking the nearest highway exit onto easy street. And the next…? My sales had gone south, and I’d swerved into the seedy gutter of an industry where three million shipped units is barely even good for a pack of cigarettes and a cheap bottle of booze. And now I’m practically bleeding DLC, digging my way out of one grave and right into another. Hah,  I guess the joke’s on me – like a seagull with two fully cooked turkeys for wings flying against the crashing waves of inevitability. You know what I mean?

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In the beginning, there was Quantum Conundrum, and it was… pretty decent, with occasional flashes of both brilliance and dimension-shattering frustration. However, in this era where games no longer come on tapes or frisbees, they are capable of producing new content from thin air – like a magician bending the fabric of reality to produce a bunny. And while Quantum Conundrum’s DLC won’t have any bunnies (that I know of), one of the two announced mini-expansions will center around Ike, who is somewhat bunny-like in stature. Meanwhile, the other pack, The Desmond Debacle, will be led by a drinking bird and feature “hours” of puzzle-solving. Beforehand, however, you’ll have to strain your brain to solve the diabolical Should-You-Buy-It Conundrum. Perhaps I can help you with that.

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