Rock, Paper, Shotgun

In the beginning, there was Quantum Conundrum, and it was… pretty decent, with occasional flashes of both brilliance and dimension-shattering frustration. However, in this era where games no longer come on tapes or frisbees, they are capable of producing new content from thin air – like a magician bending the fabric of reality to produce a bunny. And while Quantum Conundrum’s DLC won’t have any bunnies (that I know of), one of the two announced mini-expansions will center around Ike, who is somewhat bunny-like in stature. Meanwhile, the other pack, The Desmond Debacle, will be led by a drinking bird and feature “hours” of puzzle-solving. Beforehand, however, you’ll have to strain your brain to solve the diabolical Should-You-Buy-It Conundrum. Perhaps I can help you with that.

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‘Twas more than a year ago that Left 4 Dead 2′s Cold Stream DLC first stirred beneath the grave of Valve’s nearly immortal undead sequel, and then – as though cast in the world’s most anticlimatic horror movie – it just kind of sat there. “I’ll rise and kick off the end of all human civilization tomorrow,” it thought to itself. But tomorrow never came. Until now! After gobs of testing and fine-tuning, Valve’s finally deemed Cold Stream fit for public consumption.

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The increasingly incongrously-named Penny Arcade are to continue their Zeboyd-developed series of roleplaying adventures, both with a fourth game and a pair of free expansions for the well-received third. The second DLC for On The Rain-Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode 3 will apparently detail the fate of the character you/we/I/he/she/they/it/your mum played as in the first two episodes of the abandoned Hothouse-developed trilogy. Closure of a sort, then.
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After a long, bone-density-ruining day in space doing space things, it’s only natural that you’d want to come back to Earth, kick back, and put your feet up on something familiar – say, a footrest, Big Ben, or the city of Vancouver. But, in Mass Effect 3′s Earth DLC, you’ll return home to find the place ransacked, with Reaper forces making a mess of everything and totally wrecking your perfectly organized Mt Rushmore collection. So it’s time to fight back – with a handful of new classes, guns, modifications, and whatnot, of course. Such is the way of these things.

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Hello there, Sam. Long time, no DLC. One of the nice things about putting words in your mouth and then regurgitating them for all the world to hear is that you can’t verbally eviscerate me for that awful pun. Oh Sam, you’re the greatest. So anyway, you say you’ve finally got some new content on the way for Serious Sam 3: BFE, huh? And it’s a campaign-extending to-do called “Jewel of the Nile”? And you think I have really awesome hair? Oh, do go on.

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I went back to Dungeons Of Dredmor recently, having realised it had expanded twice since I’d last played. The good news is it’s still as brilliant as ever. The bad news is, I’m still just as terrible at it. The brilliant news is, Kieron’s still just as cross that we’re all playing Rogue-likes now, after having ignored him about them for years. And the news news is, there’s to be another update “hastily named” Conquest Of The Wizardlands, due out soon. It’ll be adding not only new realms, but sneakiness and at last some weapon and armour augmentation crafting.

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When Skyrim’s Dawnguard DLC was announced, we were worried it might end up just being a pair of equippable contact lenses. A new prE3 trailer shows that it’s actually some manner of major expansion with attempts to blot out the sun being made and all sorts. What seems clear is that players will be faced with a choice; do you wish to live in a graveyard and eat people, all supernatural-like, or would you rather have a pair of equippable contact lenses? See for yourself.

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June 2012 will bring the Sword of Islam expansion to Crusader Kings II, allowing players to select any Muslim dynasty at the beginning of the game and “delivering a wealth of specific new mechanics distinctive to these rulers, creating a whole new gameplay experience. Laws, marriage, holding, traits, titles and more will work completely differently.” Equally exciting is the news that a major patch will be arriving at the same time as the DLC, expanding the map into Mali-Songhay, and adding more complexity to claims, a new plot and expanded combat. The actual DLC will set you back $9.99 or an equivalent of your local coinage. A trailer of maps below.

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The indie darlings of yesteryear are back with a vengeance. I mean, with titles like Wrath of the Lamb and Red, what else could they possibly be out for? A pleasant stroll? A picnic? No, this is a declaration of war – or at least “Hey, we still exist. Notice us.” And I have! So everything worked out. Thank goodness. And wow, Frozen Synapse: Red, I must note in my trademark eloquent and considered fashion, contains a lot of stuff. Foremost, the entire single-player campaign’s been retrofitted to include co-op, and there’s now another 15-mission campaign to top it off. You’re also looking at challenge missions, mutators, deployable cover, riot shields, and a new multiplayer mode. But most importantly, levels can be red now. Yes, that’s right: Mode 7 has included a new color. Take that, Unreal Engine 4.

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This is quite bad for me personally. Binding of Isaac, you see, unhinged one of its many grotesque orifices and devoured my life last year. The number of hours I sank into Edmund McMillen’s blood-sweat-tear-and-excrement-based roguelike could be described as substantial. Conversely, activities that failed to receive that designation during a similar timeframe include eating, sleeping, and not being presumed dead by most of my friends and family members. So, while you say hello to Binding of Isaac’s Wrath of the Lamb downloadable expansion, I say goodbye. Probably forever.

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