Rock, Paper, Shotgun

I miss demos. I miss them so much. I wouldn’t be here, writing these words, if it weren’t for demos: how else could a sport-fearing, skinny young misery with only the slightest pittance for pocketmoney have found his way into playing video games? Once, my bedroom was littered with floppy discs, each and every one of which had at some point led to me standing outside a game shop, counting pennies with a quivering hand, praying I had enough.

Granted, magazines were the gateway drug back then, when there was no way to watch a trailer or scour Facebook for new screenshots, but later in life the web too seemed an infinite fount of sampled digital delights, and led to any number of purchases of those games that seemed the most absorbing – or simply because the demo ended, apparently expertly, at a point which left me urgently hungry for more. Those days are gone.
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Yes, you’re asleep. Yes, this is a dream. There can’t be any other explanation for this: the game that shouldn’t be, couldn’t be, is. After over a decade in development, multiple project reboots, all the crazy promises in the world, the closure of its original developer, a shock resurrection at the hands of the Borderlands/Brothers In Arms devs and another, final delay for luck, Duke Nukem Forever is finished. Yes indeed, Gearbox Software have announced that the infamous shooter has gone gold today. It’s actually gone gold. It’s coming to a PC near you next month.

Or at least it would be, were this not a dream. (It’s not a dream). (Or is it?) (It isn’t). (Or is it?)

The “Shrinkage” trailer, embedded below, made me laugh. But it made me laugh in that way where the end of the laugh ends up being a sigh. And maybe I wasn’t really smiling at all.
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Ten new screenshots have just appeared for Duke Nukem Forever. (As someone who’s been doing this job for twelve years, I’m still unable to shake the feeling of absurdity that comes with believing that the game is genuinely coming out this year. Just typing those words feels like folly.) You’ll probably want to look at them. Will they be insanely sexist? Maybe they’ll feature animals being tortured? Well, almost disappointingly, no. But one of them has the word “cock”? You can see them all below, and if you’d only bloody well click on them they’d get all big.

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Ever get the feeling you’re being played? The latest crudity salvo from the Duke Nukem Forever marketing cannon is this ‘babes’ trailer. If anyone was expecting a chauvinism climb-down following the controversy around the optional bottom-slapping in the ‘capture the babe’ multiplayer mode, they’re certainly not getting it. The following video is just about safe for work, but it is entirely, consciously puerile.
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One more delay for the road, huh? Yes, Duke Nukem Forever will not make its promised release date of May 3. Old habits die hard, clearly.

So when, if ever, will this near-mythical manshooter be released instead? I’ll let Randy ‘not Pitchfork’ Pitchford explain all…
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The exciting North American variant of Official Xbox Magazine has revealed that Duke’s multiplayer will feature a “Capture The Babe” multiplayer mode, in which teams battle over women who are being carted off to be impregnated by the alien invaders. Ah, that sounds hi-liarious, doesn’t it, readers? But there’s to be controversy, thanks to the unbelievable admission that the babe might “freak out”, requiring you to “gently give her a reassuring slap.” OXM insist that this slap on the arse is “more goofy than offensive”.

So… yeah.

A bit rude, but not very rude, almost as if the trailer was carefully edited to imply rudeness while being shown at a trade show where there are minors around. The end result is something a bit like the daydream of a tiny boy who knows that boobs are awesome, but the specifcs elude him. Take a look and see what I mean.
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UPDATE: Confirmed as real, though it’ll be available in America only and just here from Amazon.com.

The above image was posted on the French Duke Nukem Forever forums last night. I’m still running it through the RPS Bullshit-O-Tron, but figure even if it’s fake it’s an entertaining fake. And I keep thinking back to that IL-2 Sturmovik: Cliffs of Dover Collector’s Edition image that leaked and turned out to be real. HMM. I’ve run through what look to be the contents after the jump, or you can click on the picture for a slightly bigger one of it. Or both! Do both.
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UPDATE: Launch trailer added below! Watch it. [Eh, watching Duke Nukem trailers, that's a weird one, isn't it? -Jim]

See, even though this is real, I still don’t believe it. Your partner can’t cheat on you, lie to you, never be there for you for so many years, and then just turn over a new leaf. Who cares what’s changed? I just refuse to accept that it will happen. I can’t allow myself to be hurt again. Eurogamer report the date for a Duke Nukem Forever release date, quoting a site I daren’t link to any longer (and more because it’s bloody well playing music at me when I open it, with no obvious off switch.) It’s going to be the 3rd May for the USA, and the 6th for the rest of the world. Yeah, right, whatever.
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One Duke Nukem game not enough? Well, you’re getting two. A planned mod built in Unreal Engine 3 has been guaranteed not to get booted in the ribs by current Duke dukes Gearbox.
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