Rock, Paper, Shotgun

This year as with every year, there is a brand new edition of Sports Interactive’s management goliath Foot-to-Ball Commander. The 2013 version is out next week, in fact. New features this year include over 17 new types of decomposing tobacco breath odorants to add to your manager’s Unhinged Bellow attack, the option to hurl the most racist members of your premiership team into the heart of the sun and the exclusive Gary Lineker’s Leaving Your Wife Of 20 To Shack Up With An Underwear Model Time Attack mode.

Also there’s a demo, out now on Steam.
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When I was still capable of leaving the house without needing to have a nice sit down on the first bench I saw, I couldn’t make it to any sort of social gathering without bearing unwilling witness to some manner of tedious debate about how and why Pro Evolution Soccer was much better than FIFA. There were gesticulations, there were phrases like ‘ball control’ and there were near-orgasmic facial expressions. It was Quake III vs Unreal Tournament, but for bores. As far as I can tell – by which I mean by maintaining a safe distance from anyone who might ever mention it, but somehow wandering into stray comments nonetheless – FIFA now has the foot-to-ball fan’s favour once again, with Konami’s former king now on something of a back foot. I could well be wrong that, though. Listen, I’m just trying to fill space before inserting a link to the demo. Have I made it far enough yet?
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In one minute I’ll be announcing the announcement that the new demo of FIFA 12 will be being announced in a few minutes. That’s a new demo for FIFA 12 that I will tell you has been released just as soon as I’ve announced that I’m announcing its imminent announcement. There’s a FIFA 12 demo out! Wait, damn, that was too soon.

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You foot-to-ball chaps sure don’t get bored easily. I’d get fed up of any game after 2012 years – why, I’d even be willing to bet my ardour for X-COM would have cooled by just the 819th sequel. There’s no stopping plucky Brit studio Sports Interactive though: they’ve just announced Foot-to-Ball Manager 2012, which as is the custom contains a raft of new features, improved graphicsability, a whole lot more foot, and much more ball.

In the years to come, 50% of men will only buy one game each year – whatever the new Call of Duty is. The other 50% will only buy Football Manager. By 2018, the two will combine into Weapon Unlock Manager, and no other game will ever be required.
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As Britain’s leading expert on foot-to-ball, I find the irreverence of games like New Star Soccer 5 to be deeply offensive toward “the lovely game”. How can someone watch something as astounding, as gorgeous, as sexually profound, as last week’s round of foot-to-balling between the United Rovers and West Byfleet Consolidated not be moved to tears? New Star Games’ new trailer for their latest simulation contains slight hints of not taking this most important of matters nearly seriously enough.

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FIFA Manager 11 really should be a game about managing FIFA. [At this point please insert some jokes about how ineptly FIFA may well be run, and how one would manage it better, because I haven't the faintest clue. Maybe something about refusing cameras that can see if goals are scored? Is that FIFA? Or is that UEFA? Or is that a town in Mexico?] There’s a demo of this latest incarnation of the not-as-good-as-Football-Manager series, in which you can (not) find out. It gives you six months of play (game time, dummy) but allows you to carry over a save file into the full game should you be too bereft to start the whole insane process over again. In conclusion, baseball.

Games psychotherapist, Stephen Bishop, has told the Daily Rag that games players are showing an increasingly worrying addiction to football. Players of Modern Warfare 2, Grand Theft Auto IV, and Peggle are apparently spending up to one and a half hours playing the sport without food, rest, or any form of videogaming.

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Rock, Paper, Shotgun’s favourite rent-a-quote anti-gamer Steve Pope has reappeared in the news, this time to announce that professional football players are dangerously addicted to videogames. The “sports psychotherapist”, so far unwilling to provide any evidence for his previous claims, informs the Daily Star (famously accurate on gaming related matters) that players from Manchester United, Chelsea, Spurs and Arsenal are all in trouble.

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New Star Games – who foot-to-ball fans will know from New Star Soccer – are releasing their new foot-to-ball game today. It’s not out at the time of writing. Will it be out by the time of posting? Only clicking will tell. It’s basically a world-cup-themed 2D game, aiming to be between Sensible Soccer and their original Sensational Soccer. He explains more on his blog, though fails to give us a video. VIDEO! WE NEED VIDEO! Anyway – the only way you’re going to find out whether it clicks or not is playing the bally thing. Luckily, there’s a demo available to allow such things. Go get the PC one here. Alternatively, get Macintosh-PC demo here. Oh – you can also get the full version of the original Sensational Soccer if you sign up to the New Star Games mailing list. This must be what they call a Free Kick (Fired – Ed).

Sitting in a darkened room in a distant country, in a place which seems to have taken pleasure in ignoring my need for tea, the news that there’s a demo out for the latest version of that most British of games, Football Manager, pleases me. Specifically, Football Manager 2009. It allows you to play a half season of the game to get a handle on the new features – including for the first time actual 3D in-game highlights. Which means we have to retire the old PC Gamer “Revolutionary 2D Match Engine” gag. Man! Anyway – the trailer and some gameplay videos are beneath the cut. Hurrahs and similar.
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