Rock, Paper, Shotgun

There’s just something about goodbyes. Like, growing up, I had a pet parrot. She filled my youth with eardrum-skewering screams and will probably be able to take most of the credit for my first heart attack, which will come at age 29. Also, she’s going to outlive me. But, if she doesn’t, I’ll be a complete wreck when she finally closes her infernal, saliva-less beak, er, forever. Which is my way of saying the Mass Effect trilogy is kind of like an obnoxious cockatoo. Sure, it didn’t always do me right, but we grew together, and we had some magnificent times over the years. According to BioWare, Citadel is Shepard and co’s swan song. But hey, at least everyone (and apparently, BioWare really does mean everyone) is coming back for one last reunion tour.

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Bioware have so far seemed determined to end their first Mass Effect trilogy with a whimper rather than a space-Jesus bang, with the DLC to date having been distinctly underwhelming. Is it just using up old stuff to earn a few more pennies, is it a sign that the devs are fairly disheartened with the game after EndingGate, is it that all the good staff are too busy working on Mass Effect 4: Shepard Bought A Zoo, or is it that the mysterious and sinister Satisfaction Thieves came and stole all the good bits during the night? We shall never know.

What we can do instead is hope, pray and passive-aggressively demand that the next and final Mass Effect 3 DLC will be more Citadel than Shitadel. Several major cast members, including Seth ‘him out of Buffy’ Green as Joker, have recorded new lines, there are eight writers working on the thing and there are Krogan in it.
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I’m not the sort of person who usually watches the deleted/extended scenes of movie special editions. I mean, I’m sure they’re fascinating – and I’ll definitely go for a swim in the deep end if I’m really, really into something – but odds are, I’ve already gotten the point. I’ve seen the credits roll on the vanilla version. I’ve taken the journey, and – unless it’s been a while – I’m not super interested in trying the scenic route. That’s pretty much my dilemma with Mass Effect 3‘s DLC as well. Omega, for instance, looks like a bombastic jaunt off the beaten space-path, but I already know where it ultimately leads. Still though, a new trailer makes a compelling argument for me to play it sooner rather than later – if only because it looks like a fairly robust self-contained tale. Also, Aria’s finally doing things. Explode-y things. I bet her faithful couch is terribly lonely.

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Whaaaaaat! How is it possible for there to be another Mass Effect game? Surely everything was tied up and the game universe so profoundly changed by the conclusion(s) of ME3 that there’s simply no room for more? Unless there was somehow some way to tweak and retcon a story that’s already built around ad-hoc pseduo-mythology, resurrections and space magic…. No, surely no such thing is possible. While we wait to see how Bioware take ME’s prophecy-blighted space opera to new places (I’m going to bet you play as a new character who encounters/searches for a long-lost Shepherd), what we do now know is that it’ll be departing its mucky-textured Unreal-based engine of yesteryear and moving to DICE’s impressive (and, thus far, very PC-sympathetic) Frostbite engine for the next instalment.
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Mass Effect 3‘s next batch of single-player DLC isn’t just any old carved up chunk of side story gristle. It is, according to BioWare, the biggest yet, which sends “Leviathan” – a synonym for the very concept of largeness (and perhaps also in-charge-ness) – tearfully packing to second place. Titled “Omega,” the new add-on comes bearing an elaborate tale in which you team up with ousted Omega ruler/master space-club-couch-lounger Aria T’loak in an effort to reclaim her old haunt. It also carries a price tag to match.

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I tend to lose my sense of connection to science fictional narratives once they get into the realm of prophecies and pseudo-deities, so the idea of a return to the Mass Effect universe that’s only about the neat spaceshippy stuff and none of the Circle Of Destiny soapboxing appeals enormously. Frinstance, this unofficial mod for the TIGHT space strategy game Sins of a Solar Empire which plans to recreate the Normandy and its multi-species chums’ war against the Geth, Collectors and Reapers.
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Oh those crazy Collectors. What won’t they take? Entire colonies, the last pudding cup in the cafeteria, lives, your favorite parking spot, that coat you’d been waiting to nab on sale, etc, etc, etc. They’ll just never stop. Well, unless you force them to. That’s the idea behind Mass Effect 3‘s upcoming and still rather miraculously free “Retaliation” multiplayer DLC. The Collectors have invaded, and it’s up to you to put them in their place. Which is not your place. Which is where they are anyway. The jerks. Happily, Retaliation also brings with it a suite of other goodies, including new weapons, new characters, “hazard” maps, and a challenge point system. Gaze upon it with your feeble human eyes after the break. Unless the Collectors took those too.

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After hearing the news that both members of BioWare’s doctoral duo are headed for greener (or beerer) pastures, you might have worried that the studio would lose its flair for role-playing epics and start churning out farming sims, 1990s FMV adventures, or tasteful ballroom gowns. In a shocking twist, however, it’s instead going to make more Dragon Age and Mass Effect. On top of that, though, Mass Effect lead Casey Hudson and some members of his team are putting together “an all new game set in a fictional universe.” Which could mean just about anything, but anything is better than nothing. Or something. Words!

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Really, if you think about it, the ocean is basically space, but more blue. I mean, both are sorely lacking in breathable air, give us the ability to defy basic physics while shouting “wheeeeee,” and are absolutely, positively, I-really-really-hope teeming with life. (What if fish aren’t real?! Wouldn’t that be a total bummer?) Also, Mass Effect 3‘s now claiming that both have Reapers, and I suppose it would know. So now the hunt for Leviathan is on, and you can watch a trailer of some strange bald man wearing Commander Shepard’s clothes take the fight to the ocean’s briniest depths in a trailer beneath the break’s, er, briniest depths.

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We live in a terrifying world of constant change. You might, for instance, neatly tuck each of your games into bed a night and gingerly kiss them on the cheek, safe in the knowledge that – when you awake – they’ll be there waiting, same as always. But honestly, who knows? They could just suddenly update and transform into strange, multi-tendriled monstrosities. You could awake from your dreams right into a living nightmare. Or, you know, you could just get some Earth-bound levels in Mass Effect and – oh gosh – Aquaman in DC Universe Online. OK, yeah, I’m sticking with the nightmare thing.

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Hurrah! It’s the first proper trailer for the upcoming anime prequel Mass Effect: Paragon Lost in all its glory. And by glory, I mean of course… oh good lord, you have to be kidding. It may have Production IG involved, but we’re not exactly talking Ghost In The Shell here. The fun series, I mean. Not the boring, over-rated movie and its even more tedious sequel.

Mass Effect fans, put down your plussedness. You shall need non of it today.

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