Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Disclaimer: I am rubbish at this. Terrible. Watching me attempt to get my head around Involuntary Runner is like watching a monkey build an atom bomb. I’m honestly surprised I haven’t accidentally set myself on fire as I clumsily attempt to coax my runner into action. The goal is simple: you have a runner, a man who you have to help run as far as he can. I’ll bet you’re waiting for a twist to come, yeah? Well here it is: you don’t directly control the runner, but you do have to keep his organs in good health. That means maintaining a steady rate of breathing, heart beat, while making sure he eats his food and controls his emissions. Yes, that last word means exactly what you think it means. Farts!
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Here is an intensely silly thing. I imagine you’re aware of QWOP, the purposefully-impossible-to-control runner with its eyes on the prize and/or ground. Meanwhile, I’m relatively certain – given that you are presumably a resident of planet earth – that you know of the Olympics, that big throwy, runny, leapy, swimmy thing we humans do every couple years in an attempt to stave off the ever-looming threat of Zeus’ wrath. Well, Enviro-Bear developer Justin Smith has more or less combined them to form Realistic Summer Sports Simulator. It’s not a particularly “good” game in the traditional sense, but it tickled funny bones I never even knew I had.

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In real life, equestrianising is probably harder than running since controlling one’s own flesh-stilts should be a lot easier than controlling a large animal clenched between the thighs. That said, CLOP, QWOP’s brand new four-legged variant, isn’t as tough as its jelly-limbed ancestor. Maybe that’s because no one is riding the unicorn that’s clopping its way across the countryside, maybe that’s because of the grace of the mythical beast. I haven’t made it over the hill and, sadly, CLOP doesn’t tell me how far I did get. About a third of the way, going off the yellow arrow at the bottom. Find your rhythm and run like the wind.

I remember where I was when I first heard about QWOP, because I was in the offices of a certain other PC gaming publication, working for The Man. Now I work for A Man, that man being me. Stop looking at me like that! I am so. Anyway, QWOP popped up on someone’s screen and we all gathered around watching as something as simple as “run 100 metres” had been made needlessly complex. It gives direct control over the leg muscle groups of a sprinter: it’s like watching a drunken Riverdance on a sinking ship. We all returned to our keyboards and attempted to jerk our way to the gold medal, sadly aware that hilarious, flaily defeat would be a solo experience. Years later that particular sadness has been rectified in 2QWOP: in typically awkward, QWOPPY fashion it forces both players to use the same keyboard.
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Poleriders is from Bennet Foddy, the delightful academic who has you thrashing your limbs to run 100m in QWOP. It’s an interesting take on the traditional and noble art of the pole vault, adding a ball and an opponent. I personally think “Pole-Lolting” is a more accurate title, because it’s one of the funniest things I’ve played in a while.
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Suddenly everywhere today: this brilliant but monstrous physics game about rock-climbing, drowning and muscle-flexing. Indie browser game/punishment GIRP is vaguely akin to sleepy mobile puzzle title Ancient Frog (itself now on PC too), but driven by desperation, confusion, horror and something that feels like genuine physical exhaustion. Clever. Tight. Panic-inducing. Sportsmanlike nonetheless.
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We haven’t posted about QWOP yet, have we? It’s the webgame that’s turned up in most of my game related conversations for the last few week or so, so it’s probably best we give it at least a nod. Its a running game, with direct control of thighs and calves, and is the most ill-conceived attempt to directly simulate human experience since Trespasser’s sinister floating limb. Brrr. In a real way, it’s this year’s Sumotori Dreams. And a couple of videos beneath the cut…
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