Rock, Paper, Shotgun

You’d need a six dimensional tongue to describe Alexander Bruce’s Antichamber. It is a game and a psychological experiment. I’m not even sure if writing about it is a good idea, or if it’s somehow judging from it’s non-euclidean dimension. It exists in a potential form right now, but it’ll soon exist in exchange for money and a few frazzled braincells. Bruce has descended from the higher plane, where time is of no consequence and everyone has both completed Antichamber and yet never played it, to let us earthly types know it’s out on in the fifth quadrangle of hex space, just before the Platnar’s ascendance. That is a fixed point in time. I’m just running it through the un-gibbernator to let you know. Put on ze goggles.
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It’s obvious that RedLynx stopped loving us. We were there for them, day and night, attending to playing their games. But then oh look who should stride in with their long legs and big, muscley arms but Microsoft, flashing their wallets and giant cars. And Trials really became an Xbox thing, leaving us staring at the space where RedLynx used to be, sobbing.

Oh, but who’s this crawling back to us? Microsoft’s big money and tall hats weren’t everything you hoped for, eh? You think you can just waltz back in here, play with our hearts like they’re days old treacle pudding? Yes, quite correct, because Trials Evolution is bloody brilliant.

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Blocky multiplayer shooter that’s not at all Minecraft with guns, Ace of Spades, is coming out 12/12/12, which is the most terrifying date of all time. Think about it. It’s 6/6/6 times two! The number of the beast, doubled. And as John points out, it’s nine days before the apocalypse. What’s worse is that it will cost 9.99 in the currency of the beast (dollars). If you have a mirror strategically placed on your ceiling, close your eyes and say “Notch” three times. Now look up! It says 6.66! And it’s on the digital distribution platform of the beast, Steam. Why? What would happen if you spilled a drink on the Devil? What would come off Mister Hellpants? That’s right! Steam… what’s that noise? Get out of the house. Flee for your life! It’s coming.
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Which is your favourite foot-to-ball game? Mine is Semi-Professional Sunday Soccer V. What? Yours isn’t? YOU ARE STUPID AND WRONG! Let’s fight about this, while I chant some words to a popular 80s hit about how you are less masculine than I. Now let us consume liquid until we are ill or in prison.

It sickens me when people say RPS is out of touch. Also, PES 2013 has a release date. Is it in 2013? Don’t be silly. It’s the 21st of this very month.

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Lots of news on that remake of Baldur’s Gate. First of all, a release date – the 18th September. Second, a price – a surprisingly high $20 when it’s released, and a teeny pre-order reduction at $18. There are new adventures, characters, and improvements. Details below.

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World Of Warcraft’s surelyitreallycan’tbereal update, Mists Of Pandaria – the April Fool’s joke writ large – has a release date at long last. It’ll be in the shops (shops?) on the 25th September. It’s going to cost a bloody enormous £30 in a box, but of course the digital version, not requiring a significant cut go to the store, price of packaging, shipping, etc, will be… wait, £30. Er. There is of course a Collector’s Edition at twice the price, and a Digital Deluxe containing the non-physical bonuses for £40. And you can now pre-order.

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My plan is to release a 7X game. eXplore, eXpand, eXploit, eXterminate, eXasperation, eXboyfriend, eXit ab urso actus. But until my great day reaches us, you’ll have to put up with just the four Xs, and as soon as the 4th July. That’s the date that’s just been put on Endless Space, Amplitude’s scifi strategy that’s looking rather good.

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We may not be getting BioShock: Infinite this October, but stepping in to fill the gap is what – in my brain at least – occupies a similar space: Dishonored. It’s set to be released on the 12th October this year. Unless you’re in America, when it’s the 9th. Or Australia, where it’s the 11th. Really?

Wait, hang on, I made a rule about this yesterday. No. It’s bound not to be coming out in October, because this is the first announced release date. Expect Dishonored some time in 2017.

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Having just watched the latest episode of Game Of Thrones, I’m fairly convinced that any role-playing game based on the books will just be a simulator for having sex with your brother/sister. But the latest trailer for Game Of Thrones: The Game (is that really what they’re sticking with?) appears to show that there’s also some chopping people up, too. It’s released to accompany the news that the game has a release date. Well, woolly release month portion, of “early June”.

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Playing the preview code of Botanicula made me so happy one of my legs fell off. So I’m delighted to report that everyone’s going to have a chance to squeeze off their limbs with excitement on the 19th April, when the full game comes out. To commemorate, a new trailer has appeared, which you can see below. You’ll likely lose a toe.

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In the RPS “When is BioShock Infinite Out?” sweepstakes, Jim Chose Oct 17th, John Oct 18th, Alec Oct 20th, Adam Oct 21st, and I swung in with September 19th 7019. It turns out none of us have particularly well-defined psychic powers, and I was WAY off: mark October 19th down on your calendar as “National BioShock Infinite release day”. That sweet trailer from December is below, to soothe your beating hearts.
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