Rock, Paper, Shotgun

“… and over to Craig, who you might say is at the ‘heart of the launch’. Ahahah! Craig?”

“Thanks, Cara. I’m reporting live from the StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm launch. You might say I’m at the ‘heart of the launch’.”

“I just said that, Craig.”

“I know you did. I was just, er, vamping. You know? Okay. Look, I’ll admit. I wasn’t paying attention. Someone just told me Heart of the Swarm had been released. I was asleep 10 minutes ago, dreaming about helping Vince McMahon’s daughter choose survival clothes. It wasn’t even Stephanie. So, yes: Heart of the Swarm, the second game of the second StarCraft, went live just over eleven hours ago, and the always-on-the-ball RPS have a barely awake Scotsman telling you all about it.”

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Yes, I’m aware that “power overwhelming” is a Protoss line – not Zerg. But that’s really the only way to adequately describe what’s being depicted in StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm‘s ultra-lavish CG opening. Well, that or “ooky, pukey Overlord Leviathan insides,” but a) those don’t show up for too terribly long and b) I wanted to forget that they showed up at all. So mainly, Blizzard continues in its rich – if all-too-predictable – tradition of titanic armies clashing and beating each other over the head with kitchen sinks the size of Death Stars. Oh, but this time, there’s also A Twist. I wish I could tell you that I mean The Twist – implying that everyone sets aside their differences for a scintillatingly choreographed dance number – but sadly, you’ll just have to settle for a surprise reveal at the end.

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The Big Lizard send word that they’ve opened Heart Of The Swarm’s beta to people who pre-ordered before December 18th. People who pre-order from now on will be placed in a kind of vat and liquidised. No wait, I read that wrong, they will be added to the beta in subsequent waves. That’s right. There’s a download link for the client through the link, but unless you’ve got beta access it won’t work, no way, no how. Unless you’re a magician. Or a magic hacker. Or a time-traveller. Any of those is fine.

The game itself is all set for a March 2013 launch. I’ve posted a trailer below, in case you’ve forgotten what a Starcraft 2 is, for some reason.
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Oh, that was such a dick move of me, wasn’t it? To do a … and everything to make you read the story? It’s not even because I’m chasing hits. Hits, shmits – it’s just that I’ve got a tiresome headcold and am feeling highly belligerent as a result.

I’ll make up for this awful wasting of your time by definitely not posting the StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm release date underneath the ‘Read the rest of this entry’ jump.
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Today, Blizzard got on a phone and opened its collective mouth, and as so often tends to happen when these factors combine, words came out. Instead of glorious operatic ovations or beat poetry, however, the words somewhat surprisingly took the form of videogame announcements. And the games in question? Warcraft, StarCraft, and Diablo. Madness, right? What a world we live in! What a world. Ride the break down into the frightful depths of uncertainty for the full blow-by-blow.

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Sometimes, I view my mundane day-to-day tasks as a series of experience-endowing quests. Go the grocery store. 300 XP! Obtain vegetables (x10). 400 XP! Defeat the checkout line – which is, in fact, a hideously undulating centipede monster – and escape the store as it collapses into an all-consuming void of infinite nothingness. 7 XP! Is it any wonder that I see things that way, though? I mean, everything has a leveling system these days. Even when they don’t really make a whole lot of sense. Case in point: StarCraft II.

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It’s been quite the day for long-awaited project launches. First Natural Selection 2 got a release month, and now StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm‘s beta has all its Overlords in a nice, neatly organized row. Also, I guess Farmville 2′s taken to Facebook’s oh-so-fertile pastures. So that’s… yep. Anyway, StarCraft! The beta’s officially up and running, and you could very well be in it. But probably not – because the initial round of invites went out to “a select group of pro-gamers, members of the press, Arcade contest winners, and shoutcasters.” Soon, though. Sooooooooon.

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I like to imagine that creating an expansion for StarCraft is like disarming a multi-megaton bomb using live lobsters instead of wirecutters. One wrong move, and the whole thing will go sky-high. Also, you are constantly being attacked. By lobsters. Who, I guess, are the fans in this metaphor. I’m not really sure anymore. At any rate, StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm is just about to start making its final zerg rush toward the finish line, and it needs your help.

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