Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Roooooooooome! Two. The ancient Empire is set to rise again next year. And again. And again, as millions of us click our way to dominance of the old world theater of empire-building. I’m planning on building an Empire of druids, too. (As it should have been.) Regarding the trailer, SEGA explain: “The year is 146BC, brilliant tactician Scipio Aemilianus is dispatched by Rome to break the three-year-long siege of Carthage, an unforgivable blight on the glory of the growing Empire. Ruthless determination and an almost suicidal amphibious assault is required, but the young consul is uncomfortably aware that the price of victory may be much higher than the senate realises.” The trailer apparently shows off the kind of detail you can expect from the game’s battles.
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“The world is so crazy that it is considered ‘controversial’ to call for an end to people killing each other, but not to make money from selling video games about Total War.” This is why former TV sports pundit and nemesis of the giant lizards that secretly control society, David Icke, is very cross that he’s not been allowed to use a piece of music from Total War in his stage shows. While the notorious Icke might have become a lecturer on all manner of conspiracy theory-based socio-political topics since his, uh, awakening, he’s unlikely to ever escape the lizard-shaped albatross that he hung around his own neck back in 1999. Or the thing about being the son of God. Or the thing about how we’re all being remote-controlled by the moon. Or the thing about how Bush, Blair, the Queen and chums are holograms.

Or… well, anyway, SEGA/CA own the rights to ‘anti-war song’ We Are All One by Angela & Jeff van Dyck (as used in Medieval: Total War II), which Icke had hoped to use in his upcoming talk/show at Wembley, ‘Remember Who You Are.’ They’ve since blocked this from happening.
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Here’s what I know about Total War: Rome 2. It’s this strategy game, where you play as… the Romans? And they’re really angry about something – I bet Caecilius cheated on Metella again, in the horto. So rather than just a regular war, that they have all the time, this time it’s a TOTAL WAR. But for the second time, because the last one didn’t quite take. The game features Romans, horses, and probably statistics. And armies! You can see four new screenshots of such matters below.

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That’s as in “A Row With Saints”, of course. You won’t see Johnny Gat downing a beer with Musashi in the new Total War: Shogun 2: Saints and Heroes Elite Unit Pack, as much as that would shake things up. Nor are there any latex nuns, unless they’re just hiding.

With this DLC pack, you will however get the likes of Tadakatsu’s Tetsubo Warriors (“As strong as Oni”), Hanzo’s Shadows (“Can climb walls very fast”), Gozen’s Hime Heroines (“Excellent morale”) and The Spears of Shizugatake (“Vulnerable to Yari and Naginata”) fighting for you on the battlefield. There may even be a trailer to show off what this looks like…

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In-game footage of Total War: Rome II is being cruelly withheld until time indeterminate, but the important thing is that I’ve seen it and you haven’t, ner ner ner ner ner ner ner. Ner. I’ve even spoken to the devs about it. Ner! I suppose you deserve to see something for yourself though, even if you are a horrible person who’s going staight to hell because you were rude to that cat once.

So, here is a live-action, mood-setting, betrayal-including trailer for the Creative Assembly’s latest strategy titan, showing off the glory, folly and cruelty of the Roman empire. Warning: includes bare-naked nipples.

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It’s apparently DIY Day in the gaming industry. First, ShootMania came down with a case of BetaMania and indulged in TrailerMania to celebrate. And now, Creative Assembly’s seen fit to lunch Total War: Shogun 2‘s long-awaited map editor. (Yes, two semi-related events apparently qualifies them for “day” status. It actually makes perfect sense because… shut up.) Simply titled The Editor – which has somewhat amazingly been designated “Ted” for short by Creative Assembly – it’s described as “a powerful tool that enables users to alter terrain type and height, and comprises libraries boasting hundreds of unique battlefield props, such as trees, buildings, railway lines and coastal batteries.” The Editor is also, of course, free, so simply venture over to Steam’s tools section and chant a few incantations to summon the fearsome Might of Ted. Alternatively, if you’d like to hear a bit more about Creative Assembly’s future plans for mapmaking and ease-of-use, head past the break. But beware, you may incur the Wrath of Ted by doing so.

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I did a double-take on seeing there was ‘reveal’ footage of Total War Shogun 2: Fall of the Samurai, because my brain had told me that Sega’s standalone expansion of their awesome historical war game was already out. I had a check and there are other lies in there, too. Lie #1: Corey Feldman is dead. Lie #2: Squid are not alive. Lie #3: Donkeys are extinct. Lie #4: Egyptians came before dinosaurs. Lie #5: Twin towns are exact copies of each other. While you tell us in the comments about the lies your brain has told you, readers, why not buffer this five minutes developer lead chit-chat about Fall Of The Samurai?
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